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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've posted before about the negative comments from DH, and they went away! We were doing so good, but now they are starting to come back....<br><br>
And I think it's because of money money money. His own buisness is doing fantastically and as he makes more we are able to get ahead/pay off all our debt and live more comfortably and I love that. When we first agreed to get pregnant with DD he told me to follow my writing and creative stuff and he'd support me.<br><br>
Now, it seems like a burden. I do so much for DD - I homeschool her, think of crafts, schedule play dates, make sure she goes outside, read the same book over and over...all the mom stuff. And I cook dinner at least 5x a week and I try to maintain the house.<br><br>
I'm pregnant again, and if I ask to take a nap DH goes "you don't do anything for me, sometimes life is hard just go to bed early.." I mean he literally to sum it up says that. I hired a mothers helper mornings a week so I could write, and DH expects me to fit everything into those 10 hrs a week, napping my own creative time etc. He doesn't even care about my personal writing and just says "when you going to make some more money.."<br><br>
And everything he says is mean. He literally wakes up and says stuff like "this is what we are having for breakfast, I see you didn't pick up this from last night, do you plan on cooking tonight, is this going to get done" and he rarely says NICE things.<br><br>
It's just driving me insane, and I'm already emotional.<br><br>
The funny thing is if you ask him if he even loves us he will gush about it how he does, and how much he wants this baby..he just generally doesn't know how to be nice!
 

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Does he treat his friends, extended family, clients the same or is he nice to them? Because I'm almost positive he <i>knows</i> how to be nice. I certainly wouldn't excuse his behavior at all.<br><br>
Abusers (not saying he is but what you wrote I'd consider verbal abuse) tend to escalate their abuse when their partner is pregnant. His behavior is absolutely unacceptable.
 

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He's acting like he's your boss, and a verbally abusive one at that <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"><br><br>
I'm sorry mama, that sounds really painful <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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How much time do you two have *together*?<br><br>
Perhaps if he is investing so much time in his business and you are heavily invested in "mom stuff", you don't have too much connection, so you're getting on each other's nerves.<br><br>
Obviously, you are annoying him as well.<br><br>
So maybe it's time for BOTH of you to sit down, without DD, and have some loving honesty. If you can manage (the both of you) to keep snark out of it, a list of 3 SPECIFIC things that your partner could do to help reduce the annoyance factor and up the connection factor might work wonders. I know it certainly did for us.<br><br>
And they have to be SPECIFIC, NON-snarky, and non-whiny.<br><br>
So he can't say, "zOMG stop being such a slob", but he could say "I'd appreciate it if you could run the dishwasher each night before bed/before you sit down to write."<br><br>
Or you could ask him to please facilitate you having one non-mother's helper writing session during the week.<br><br>
Ect. Then the each of you picks ONE thing off of the other's list to make a priority for the next month, and one thing that you think of on your own that you can do as a gift to your partner. Nothing big or lifechanging or ambitious. It could be anything from at least one 10 second tight hug each day, leaving a post it note with an I love you somewhere where they'll find it each day, that kind of thing.<br><br>
I would also say gently that you probably really aren't going to get as much time to write as you wish, mother's helper or not. When you've got more than one young child at home, sometimes you do have to cut back. It's not going to last forever, and it can be very very difficult to deal with (I know it pretty much made me extremely bitchy for 6 years until I had some time to not only write, but also think and dream, ect--but most of that was my own fault for not trying to carve up little chunks of time right from the start, so I applaud you.) I also think that it can be very hard for people who are not artistic to "get" that there is more than just the actual act of creation for many people, and that takes time.<br><br>
I will have to disagree with others who are claiming he's abusive. It really doesn't sound like that to me. It kind of sounds like both of you are getting on each other's nerves. IME that is a NORMAL part of a long term relationship, you will go through those cycles. If you can catch yourselves in it, though, you can correct it before it escalates too much.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks for your comments<br><br>
Tiger:<br><br>
We have tons of time together. He works from home and my MIL takes DD at least once a week so we can have some alone time. He's the exact same; our alone time is still him being critical and complaining.<br><br>
I've really tried to explain to him how I feel, and how he makes me feel. I've even tried to make an effort to do "nice" things, but really I don't see anything wrong with balancing work and parenting. I do make a little income off my writing, and motherhood is a 24 hour job. I don't ever ask to sleep in [he does] he doesn't cook [I do] and I really don't think cleaning is part of being a wife. Am I messy? Yes but I've been messy the entire time we've been together and I've worked on it, it's only now that he's Mr high and mighty with his fancy job bull that I'm too messy and should be a top notch housewife<br><br>
Does that make sense? I'm rambling..<br><br>
And trust me, he's an artist. He spends time talking about how his artsy fartsy introverted self needs TIME, but when it comes to anyone else it doesn't matter.<br><br>
Mostly, I guess I miss the days when he cared. When we worked together, parented together, and were just getting by.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Tigerchild</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14718952"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">How much time do you two have *together*?<br><br>
Perhaps if he is investing so much time in his business and you are heavily invested in "mom stuff", you don't have too much connection, so you're getting on each other's nerves.<br><br>
Obviously, you are annoying him as well.<br><br>
So maybe it's time for BOTH of you to sit down, without DD, and have some loving honesty. If you can manage (the both of you) to keep snark out of it, a list of 3 SPECIFIC things that your partner could do to help reduce the annoyance factor and up the connection factor might work wonders. I know it certainly did for us.<br><br>
And they have to be SPECIFIC, NON-snarky, and non-whiny.<br><br>
So he can't say, "zOMG stop being such a slob", but he could say "I'd appreciate it if you could run the dishwasher each night before bed/before you sit down to write."<br><br>
Or you could ask him to please facilitate you having one non-mother's helper writing session during the week.<br><br>
Ect. Then the each of you picks ONE thing off of the other's list to make a priority for the next month, and one thing that you think of on your own that you can do as a gift to your partner. Nothing big or lifechanging or ambitious. It could be anything from at least one 10 second tight hug each day, leaving a post it note with an I love you somewhere where they'll find it each day, that kind of thing.<br><br>
I would also say gently that you probably really aren't going to get as much time to write as you wish, mother's helper or not. When you've got more than one young child at home, sometimes you do have to cut back. It's not going to last forever, and it can be very very difficult to deal with (I know it pretty much made me extremely bitchy for 6 years until I had some time to not only write, but also think and dream, ect--but most of that was my own fault for not trying to carve up little chunks of time right from the start, so I applaud you.) I also think that it can be very hard for people who are not artistic to "get" that there is more than just the actual act of creation for many people, and that takes time.<br><br>
I will have to disagree with others who are claiming he's abusive. It really doesn't sound like that to me. It kind of sounds like both of you are getting on each other's nerves. IME that is a NORMAL part of a long term relationship, you will go through those cycles. If you can catch yourselves in it, though, you can correct it before it escalates too much.</div>
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I think TC has some great advice.<br><br>
I also think you all could do with some counseling. It sounds like there's a lot of built up frustration on both sides. That doesn't go away easily. You may not feel like you have the time but, trust me, a little time and money spent now saves a lot of time and money spent on a divorce later!<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I agree that there seems to be an awful lot of resentment built up. And I'm guessing he's got just as much resentment, from your description of his behavior.<br><br>
Since you've got access to a sitter and DH is a WAH (hopefully that means flexible schedule, it doesn't always though), then I think you guys really should make counselling a top priority, if trying to work it out on your own isn't working.<br><br>
Probably not the answer you want to hear or deal with, but I think the situation will only get worse, especially once the new baby is born and you have that much more sleep deprivation and emotional aspects to deal with.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mommariffic</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14716613"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I've posted before about the negative comments from DH, and they went away! We were doing so good, but now they are starting to come back....<br><br>
And I think it's because of money money money. His own buisness is doing fantastically and as he makes more we are able to get ahead/pay off all our debt and live more comfortably and I love that. When we first agreed to get pregnant with DD he told me to follow my writing and creative stuff and he'd support me.<br><br>
Now, it seems like a burden. I do so much for DD - I homeschool her, think of crafts, schedule play dates, make sure she goes outside, read the same book over and over...all the mom stuff. And I cook dinner at least 5x a week and I try to maintain the house.<br><br>
I'm pregnant again, and if I ask to take a nap DH goes "you don't do anything for me, sometimes life is hard just go to bed early.." I mean he literally to sum it up says that. I hired a mothers helper mornings a week so I could write, and DH expects me to fit everything into those 10 hrs a week, napping my own creative time etc. He doesn't even care about my personal writing and just says "when you going to make some more money.."<br><br>
And everything he says is mean. He literally wakes up and says stuff like "this is what we are having for breakfast, I see you didn't pick up this from last night, do you plan on cooking tonight, is this going to get done" and he rarely says NICE things.<br><br>
It's just driving me insane, and I'm already emotional.<br><br>
The funny thing is if you ask him if he even loves us he will gush about it how he does, and how much he wants this baby..he just generally doesn't know how to be nice!</div>
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He seems pretty passive-aggressive. He originally said he would support you with your writing & creative stuff, and now that you're doing that, he turns around and throws it in your face. I understand that people change their minds, but if that's the case then he needs to discuss it with you respectfully, not take it on you with verbal abuse.<br><br>
What about saying something like: "I sense that you're frustrated, but the way you've been talking to me isn't helping to resolve anything. It also makes me feel like utter crap. If there's an issue then I'd be more than willing to discuss it with you when we can both be calm and respectful."<br><br>
I know that feeling of being talked to like something that's been scraped off a shoe, and it's not nice. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Tigerchild</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14718952"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
I will have to disagree with others who are claiming he's abusive. It really doesn't sound like that to me. It kind of sounds like both of you are getting on each other's nerves. IME that is a NORMAL part of a long term relationship, you will go through those cycles. If you can catch yourselves in it, though, you can correct it before it escalates too much.</div>
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Based on other threads by the OP there has been abuse from her husband, even if it's not as evident in this thread. So even though some of your ideas might help somewhat, the OP and her husband aren't really on a level playing field.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Needle in the Hay</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14724587"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Based on other threads by the OP there has been abuse from her husband, even if it's not as evident in this thread. So even though some of your ideas might help somewhat, the OP and her husband aren't really on a level playing field.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
And following said advice opens her up for more abuse imo.
 
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