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<p>bg: my(anti-social/violent/suicidal/druggie/runaway) brother passed away a couple of months ago from drug overdose(thread in grief and loss if you are interested). i'm my parents' only living child. I consider it over and done with. My family has a history of hanging on to lost loved ones. (i.e. my grandmother passed away maybe 7 years ago, and my grandfather still tries to make every opportunity a memorial for her. My paternal grandmother passed away, and my paternal grandfather actually died from grief.) Me and my parents are not close, but I've seen them almost every week since my brother's passing(because they are extremely needy, and call me to ask when I am bringing DS over) DH has been good about it, in the beginning, when we first got married, my parents were very upset, and they were very rude to DH, which caused DH to not want to go around there.(theres a thread about my parents reaction to our marriage and their toxicity as well, somewhere here) My mom thinks she knows what we need to do to practice our religion(which she learned from online blogs of people who are not as religious as we are). She tells us what we can and cannot do, regarding religion(and even other things, they just found out about our plans to visit DH's family in pakistan(none of them have even seen DS yet, and none of his family lives in the US). They are trying to convince us to cancel our plans because its too dangerous, and they even went on to say to DH(who has been spending time bonding with my dad lately) that its ok if we go, because we are adults and can make that decision for ourselves, but WE HAVE NO RIGHT to make that decision for DS. /bg wow is right. </p>
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<p>So, my parents found this ceremony tree lighting candle light vigil where they will list off the names of all the kids and put an ornament on a tree for each of them, i think. They plan to go. They're probably planning on registering his name to be remembered too. I have personal problems with that, because I feel like its not fair to the other families, my brother was old. But even beyond that, I think I'm having theological issues with it. I believe that God ordains when a person will die, and that death can come at any time. I would never use the phrase "untimely death" because to me, it is an oxymoron. death is something that comes unexpectedly, and something that I think a lot about(i don't quite dwell on it, but remembering that we can die any time is a good reminder for me to make sure that I am acting the way I should be in God's eyes. </p>
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<p>SO, my point is, if they want to go, thats their deal. I don't think its healthy to dwell on, although I understand that a parent isn't going to just forget their child. but they think about things that they cannot change, to the point that my dad is taking antidepressants(no he does not have depression, he's just sad)(to add to that, I know he is probably seeing a psychiatrist that loves to give meds to everyone, me and my brother both went to see this person, and she was ready to give both of us drugs(my brother wanted them, I did not(so i didn't get any), both were for ADHD, which I am sure neither of us had.(how do I know that? because I have studied adhd and depression extensively).</p>
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<p>BUT, I do not want to go(I feel like it is ridiculous), and DH cannot go(it will be the day before the school semester ends, and hes still got a ton of work to finish). </p>
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<p>I'm not doing anything else that day, and I don't want to lie to them and say i am doing something, and I DO want to tell them my feelings about it. BUT, i don't know how to say it with tact. Is it a bad idea to tell them why i don't want to go? we are planning on going to the family christmas party(we don't celebrate christmas) and I'm sure its going to be full of grief too. </p>
 

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<p>Don't go or participate if you don't want to.  But geeze, cut your parents some slack.  Their son died, and you have absolutely no right to tell them how to grieve for him (or any other family member, for that matter).  </p>
 

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<p>Just tell them you aren't going.  I would leave your feelings out of it, it's for their benefit and if it helps them, that's great.</p>
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<p>People grieve differently and no way is right or wrong.  Whether your brother was old or not is irrelevant, he's their child.</p>
 

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My original comment wasn't helpful, I apologize. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for our loved ones and do things we aren't necessarily comfortable doing. I lose sight of this a lot with my own family and I have hurt them because of it. In this situation I would consider whether it is better to state your feelings or put them aside and take one for the team. I imagine that it would be very hard to lose an adult child, especially under those circumstances. I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you and your family find closure.
 

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<p>It isn't about me. I know that. I know that I have no right to tell them how to grieve, so I refrain from it. I, however, do have a right to my own feelings. My parents are just so incredibly difficult to deal with, I thought I would come here for advice. I'm just gonna go ahead an ignore any rude comments. Thanks.</p>
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<p>The feeling I get from my parents is that I SHOULD want to go, and its unhealthy for me to not want to go. I don't like their neediness, and while I understand it (I do, really), I do not want them to feel like it is an acceptable way for them to treat me(i.e. they can just call me, and ask me to bring DS over there to make them happy, and then insult my family, and my beliefs, or use guilt to get me to change for their benefit. I am just anticipating the negative reaction I will receive when I tell them I do not want to go, and inquiring as to the best way to turn them down would be. This is not the first time they have asked me to attend some sort of grief-related event(not counting funerals, thats a little different ;) ), and I would like to let them know that I am not interested in this type of event.</p>
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<p>Maybe thats it, I should just say "No, I am not interested in grief memorial type events?" then they will ask why not? (because they always do) and I will say "I'm just not"</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Alyantavid</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1284114/mostly-a-vent-christmas-tree-lighting-candlelight-vigil-in-memory-of-the-children-who-aren-t-with-us-this-year#post_16099853"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Just tell them you aren't going.  I would leave your feelings out of it, it's for their benefit and if it helps them, that's great.</p>
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<p>People grieve differently and no way is right or wrong.  Whether your brother was old or not is irrelevant, he's their child.</p>
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<br><br><p>This.</p>
 

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I hope you can find peace with your grief and allow your parents the right to do the same for their son.
 

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<p>Perhaps you can just say that you are choosing to grieve in a different way & don't feel personal benefit from these events but are happy for them that they are getting something out of it. Obviously their experience of your brother's passing is immensely different. I certainly don't think you should go but I also don't think there is any reason to elaborate on why you won't be going.</p>
 

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<p>First, I'm very sorry for you and your family's loss.</p>
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<p>If you don't want to go then don't.  I think that being very tactful when you tell your parents will be best.  Maybe something like, "I'm not ready to do that right now."  Or even, "I need to grieve for him on my own."</p>
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<p>Everyone does deal with grief differently.  This is something they want to do and that is their choice.  But you don't have to go and I think something like, "I'm not ready to talk about that yet" can work to stop the comments or discussions you don't want to be a part of.</p>
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<p>I'm sure that the Christmas gathering will be very emotional - I think you and your DH need to decide when and on what terms you attend and leave.  If it gets to be too much, just bow out - but a simple goodbye is enough, please don't let them know your thoughts on their grieving. </p>
 

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<p>I would probably say something like, "I'm glad this event will help you in your grief, but I need to grieve in my own way." </p>
 

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<p>i like the idea of just saying you are grieving in your own way and do not wish to attend that event. i am not sure if your parents will push it or not, but if they do just say no thank you. it can be hard to do when people push and push their beliefs and/or desires on you especially when it comes to something like grief. they may think your way of grieving isn't sad enough. while your idea is that they are to overally emotional. no way is wrong, but if you lean towards not as weepy/overly sad it can seem to others that your are closed off and NEED to grieve more openly and more dramatically. like to prove you are sad ENOUGH. </p>
<p>dh's dad passed last year and his family dealt with it a certain way. the guy wasn't very nice, didn't have many friends and was pretty much a selfish person. my folks went to the dinner in his honor and my mom was SOOO upset that there wasn't a bunch of people weeping and talking about all the wonderful stuff that was this man... because honestly there wasn't much. a year later it still upsets my mom. she feels they didn't grieve enough. i think my mom is grieving too much for a man she didn't know and didn't even like much and who didn't like her. but what can i say? she is dealing with it her way, as weird as it is to me.</p>
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<p>h</p>
 

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<p>I have to gently say that I agree with the other posters. Forgive me if I am projecting and mistaken on this, but it sounds like you were hurt by your brother's actions before his death, and that hurt is coloring the grieving process for you. That's totally understandable, but it is also understandable that your parents, no matter how imperfect/toxic they might be, are grieving the loss of their child and all the hopes and dreams they must have had for him. Let them grieve in their own way, and politely decline so you can grieve in yours. FWIW - I do not find their participation in the ceremony to be disrespectful, even if he wasn't technically a child anymore. Losing a child is hard, no matter what their age. My grandmother was still buying rememberance masses for my aunt, who passed away in the late 1950's, until she herself passed away a few years ago. She didn't let grief get in her way of living a wonderful life, but she was determined not to let time wash away her daughter's memory, either.</p>
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<p>As for the trip to Pakistan - I hope you have a wonderful trip! My husband is also from the Middle East, and we've taken the kids twice to see the family there - great experience! I am sure my parents' hearts are in their throat every time we go, though. The first time we went (ages ago - with paper tickets), it was almost comical - my dad took us to the airport, and for some reason the person checking us in pointed out that we should fill out the emergency contact info on the back of the ticket - I've never had anyone point that out before or since!). Anyway, my dad sat there with us and gave every possible way to contact him - his home phone, his cell phone, his work phone, all of his email addresses. And all the while he was white as a sheet, the poor guy! At one point, he left to go home, and came back to add yet another way to contact him. I couldn't believe it. And this is the man who let me go to the Soviet Union in high school, and didn't freak out when I couln't call for days after I arrived because I had no access to an international phone line. He is not a nervous man generally. He almost scared me - I thought maybe he knew something about the flight I didn't! ;) Luckily, my parents are much calmer when we go now. I hope in time you'll be able to find the humor and the love in the story of dad's fear about the trip, too - until then, I wish you great strength for reassuring your parents about your family's trip. :)</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Owen'nZoe</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1284114/mostly-a-vent-christmas-tree-lighting-candlelight-vigil-in-memory-of-the-children-who-aren-t-with-us-this-year#post_16100334"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>FWIW - I do not find their participation in the ceremony to be disrespectful, even if he wasn't technically a child anymore.</p>
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<br><br><p>I actually meant to say the same. I'm invited to this remembrance (the Christmas tree/candlelight vigil) at our local hospital every year since Aaron was stillborn. I don't go, because that particular kind of ceremony isn't particularly meaningful to me, and because I prefer to grieve privately, for the most part. However, if I were there and people showed up in memory of their adult child, I wouldn't feel at all disrespected. Losing a child is <em>hard</em>, no matter what the circumstances.</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>mamaofthree</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1284114/mostly-a-vent-christmas-tree-lighting-candlelight-vigil-in-memory-of-the-children-who-aren-t-with-us-this-year#post_16100210"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>i like the idea of just saying you are grieving in your own way and do not wish to attend that event. i am not sure if your parents will push it or not, but if they do just say no thank you. it can be hard to do when people push and push their beliefs and/or desires on you especially when it comes to something like grief. they may think your way of grieving isn't sad enough. while your idea is that they are to overally emotional. no way is wrong, but if you lean towards not as weepy/overly sad it can seem to others that your are closed off and NEED to grieve more openly and more dramatically. like to prove you are sad ENOUGH. </p>
<p>dh's dad passed last year and his family dealt with it a certain way. the guy wasn't very nice, didn't have many friends and was pretty much a selfish person. my folks went to the dinner in his honor and my mom was SOOO upset that there wasn't a bunch of people weeping and talking about all the wonderful stuff that was this man... because honestly there wasn't much. a year later it still upsets my mom. she feels they didn't grieve enough. i think my mom is grieving too much for a man she didn't know and didn't even like much and who didn't like her. but what can i say? she is dealing with it her way, as weird as it is to me.</p>
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<p>h</p>
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thanks, mamaofthree. I think thats exactly it. I remember feeling like people(mom, dad, cousins, etc) didn't think I was sad enough, both at the hospital, at his funeral, and at various points afterwards. It's really annoying when people try to tell you how sad you probably are, especially when you are already done grieving. </p>
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<p>I called my dad back(he called early in the morning) and told him that I didn't want to go. And that those types of things don't help me. He thinks I should go, and that it will help me. I tell him, no, its not for me, and after a very awkward few minutes of him asking "why not?" in various ways, and me awkwardly responding that I don't wish to attend in various ways, it sounded like he was crying, and I changed the subject to oh, i'm just cleaning up the house, my back hurts a lot right now from standing up, I think I might go see a chiro, he goes "oh, maybe you should come around your family more often, maybe that will help." so yeah, exactly what I was expecting <img alt="eyesroll.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/eyesroll.gif"></p>
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<p>i guess it's not that they're grieving, its that I already shouldn't be spending too much time around them because of how they treat me and my husband, that they have no respect for our parenting(or religious) values(they act like they are always right, and that conflicting things are wrong) Once you add in the variables of "you should be sad too" and "we are sad, you should be with us more so we feel better" I'm just really tired of being told what to do, and how to feel.</p>
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<p>i'm rushing to write this with a toddler climbing all over me.</p>
 

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<p>I imagine they are going through a whole bunch of emotions and given your Dad's response, he probably thought you would want to go and be there with him. Sometimes my Mom does this, she just needs me to be there for HER and even when it isn't my thing, sometimes I go.</p>
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<p>I don't think you should have to go...you have to do what you feel is right for you.</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Owen'nZoe</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1284114/mostly-a-vent-christmas-tree-lighting-candlelight-vigil-in-memory-of-the-children-who-aren-t-with-us-this-year#post_16100334"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>FWIW - I do not find their participation in the ceremony to be disrespectful, even if he wasn't technically a child anymore. </p>
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Ok, I wasn't quite sure what these things were like, I guess? To me it seems like it might be disrespectful, but perhaps what i'm really feeling about it is that because i'm a more private person, it feels like it's unnecessary(or that the whole event is in some way disrespectful to the dead?)? I'm not sure, I guess.</p>
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<div style="margin-top:0px;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:0px;margin-left:0px;padding-top:5px;padding-right:5px;padding-bottom:5px;padding-left:5px;font:normal normal normal 13px/1.231 arial, helvetica, clean, sans-serif;background-color:rgb(255,255,255);color:rgb(0,0,0);text-align:left;font-family:Times;line-height:normal;font-size:medium;"><br><br><div class="quote-container" style="margin-top:5px;margin-right:20px;margin-bottom:5px;margin-left:20px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block" style="margin-top:0px;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:0px;margin-left:0px;padding-top:3px;padding-right:3px;padding-bottom:3px;padding-left:3px;border-top-width:1px;border-right-width:1px;border-bottom-width:1px;border-left-width:1px;border-top-style:solid;border-right-style:solid;border-bottom-style:solid;border-left-style:solid;border-top-color:rgb(217,218,216);border-right-color:rgb(217,218,216);border-bottom-color:rgb(217,218,216);border-left-color:rgb(217,218,216);background-color:rgb(234,235,233);">Originally Posted by <strong style="font-style:normal;font-weight:bold;">Owen'nZoe</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1284114/mostly-a-vent-christmas-tree-lighting-candlelight-vigil-in-memory-of-the-children-who-aren-t-with-us-this-year#post_16100334" style="color:rgb(96,73,154);"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-top-width:0px;border-right-width:0px;border-bottom-width:0px;border-left-width:0px;border-top-style:solid;border-right-style:solid;border-bottom-style:solid;border-left-style:solid;"></a><br><br><p style="margin-top:0px;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:0px;margin-left:0px;padding-top:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;">I have to gently say that I agree with the other posters. Forgive me if I am projecting and mistaken on this, but it sounds like you were hurt by your brother's actions before his death, and that hurt is coloring the grieving process for you. That's totally understandable, but it is also understandable that your parents, no matter how imperfect/toxic they might be, are grieving the loss of their child and all the hopes and dreams they must have had for him. Let them grieve in their own way, and politely decline so you can grieve in yours. FWIW - I do not find their participation in the ceremony to be disrespectful, even if he wasn't technically a child anymore. Losing a child is hard, no matter what their age. My grandmother was still buying rememberance masses for my aunt, who passed away in the late 1950's, until she herself passed away a few years ago. She didn't let grief get in her way of living a wonderful life, but she was determined not to let time wash away her daughter's memory, either.</p>
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Thanks, I'm thinking it's not so much about their grieving, but about the way they treat us. I want to address the issue of how they treat us, but it makes it even more difficult because their grief, and their behavior of actively trying to pull us into their grieving makes it harder for us to say "no" to them.  I suppose an explanation of "different people grieve in different ways, theres no right or wrong way" might be in order next time they bring it up.</div>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Amatullah0</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1284114/mostly-a-vent-christmas-tree-lighting-candlelight-vigil-in-memory-of-the-children-who-aren-t-with-us-this-year#post_16100478"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><div style="margin-top:0px;margin-right:0px;margin-bottom:0px;margin-left:0px;padding-top:5px;padding-right:5px;padding-bottom:5px;padding-left:5px;font:normal normal normal 13px/1.231 arial, helvetica, clean, sans-serif;background-color:rgb(255,255,255);color:rgb(0,0,0);text-align:left;font-family:Times;line-height:normal;font-size:medium;">Thanks, I'm thinking it's not so much about their grieving, but about the way they treat us. I want to address the issue of how they treat us, but it makes it even more difficult because their grief, and their behavior of actively trying to pull us into their grieving makes it harder for us to say "no" to them.  I suppose an explanation of "different people grieve in different ways, theres no right or wrong way" might be in order next time they bring it up.</div>
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That does make it hard -- it's hard enough to have a frank talk with your parents about their disrespect regarding such personal subjects, but it's especially hard for you because you don't want to be perceived as criticizing grieving people. Maybe once you feel they're a little stronger emotionally (maybe after the holidays?), you could say something like, "I can tell that it's hard for you to see me making such different choices than you would make. I love you and want a close relationship, but it's hard to do that when I often feel like I'm being persuaded to change things that I've actually put a lot of thought into and am happy with. I hope that going forward we can love and support each other, even in our differences." </p>
 

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<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>limabean</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1284114/mostly-a-vent-christmas-tree-lighting-candlelight-vigil-in-memory-of-the-children-who-aren-t-with-us-this-year#post_16100723"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-right:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-bottom:0px solid;"></a><br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Amatullah0</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1284114/mostly-a-vent-christmas-tree-lighting-candlelight-vigil-in-memory-of-the-children-who-aren-t-with-us-this-year#post_16100478"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-right:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-bottom:0px solid;"></a><br><br><div style="padding-right:5px;padding-left:5px;padding-bottom:5px;margin:0px;font:medium times;color:rgb(0,0,0);padding-top:5px;background-color:rgb(255,255,255);text-align:left;">Thanks, I'm thinking it's not so much about their grieving, but about the way they treat us. I want to address the issue of how they treat us, but it makes it even more difficult because their grief, and their behavior of actively trying to pull us into their grieving makes it harder for us to say "no" to them.  I suppose an explanation of "different people grieve in different ways, theres no right or wrong way" might be in order next time they bring it up.</div>
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That does make it hard -- it's hard enough to have a frank talk with your parents about their disrespect regarding such personal subjects, but it's especially hard for you because you don't want to be perceived as criticizing grieving people. Maybe once you feel they're a little stronger emotionally (maybe after the holidays?), you could say something like, "I can tell that it's hard for you to see me making such different choices than you would make. I love you and want a close relationship, but it's hard to do that when I often feel like I'm being persuaded to change things that I've actually put a lot of thought into and am happy with. I hope that going forward we can love and support each other, even in our differences." </p>
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I love this.</p>
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<p>Best of luck to you, Amatullah. I hope the conversation with your parents goes well whenever and however it happens.<br>
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<p>I am sorry for your loss.</p>
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<p>I would let them know that you prefer to grieve privately and that memorial services are not your thing.  I would also ask them if they wanted you there for support for them  - and if they said yes, I would go.  They lost their son a few months ago and compassion and support is in order.  </p>
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<p>I hear you (really, I do!) that the constant memorial services for loved ones is not your way and that you have issues with how your family deals with grief in general - but a <em>few</em> months after your brothers death is <em>not</em> the time to assert your boundaries on not going.  Do it with a less close loved one a little longer after the death.  </p>
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<p>I also fear you have all sorts of issues mixed up in your head, and this may cause you to act in a way that is not compassionate towards them - and that is not something you can undo, yk?  If they make inappropriate comments on your DH, call them on it.  But do not mix in your responses to their grief with your general annoyance with them.</p>
 

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<p>I'm sorry about your brother OP.</p>
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<p>I hear you.  My family has a few members a bit as you describe, who grieve in ways which are nothing like how i grieve.  They are given to trying to draw one into it, and they focus on it in ways i feel are very unhealthy (and while i agree there are no "right" ways to grieve, really i find it totally inappropriate that someone other than me of their father would go to events or do things to remember MY lost babies).  It's hard to deal with things like that.  I think you should politely decline the invitation and if pressed say you prefer to work through your grief in private but you appreciate the invitation and hope their attendance will benefit them.  I only once got into a discussion with my family members about this sort of thing and it ended with me saying "well, we're just all different and this is how i do it" and it didn't end up a big fight or anything.  Good luck.</p>
 
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