Mothering Forum banner

1 - 9 of 9 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
735 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Okay so I have to get advice from the mommies. I have a confession to make about my M-I-L, I dont want her around my baby. I have to explane the situation or more likely explaine her. First of all she has MS and a new diganosis of Congestive Heart Failure, but please dont let that make you feel too much pitty for her or give her any leeway, I did and it bit me in the butt. She is the most self centered, selfish, non compliant, lazy, ungreatful and obnoxious woman. I though, when I first was told about her by my honey, "ooh MS how sad what can I do to help" I regret those words. I feel horrible about it because I love my honey, but we are stuck with this woman, he has been taking care of her since he was a teenager, she has been living with him since he was 21 hes 28 now, not a single bit of gratitude has been afforded to him for all the sacrifice he has made for her. He even feels that he should give some of his tax return to her because he can claim her as a dependant, but she has sucked more than that tax return of money outta him. We moved her out six months ago, shortly after finding out that I was PG, it was a huge relief. But she calls at the most inconvient times to have us pick her up so she can get cigerettes (and sneak into the package store for a 5th of Jack). She will throw a temper tantrum if we tell her that we cant do it and has on many occasions written us off until the next day when she pretends nothing has happened. Everything that happens, no matter what, she is the victim always. She constentlly says she wants to die, hopes she will die, please shoot her, give her a gun ect. Sometimes I feel like just telling her to take all her meds at once and get it over with I get so frustrated with it all. She knows that she isnt supposed to be smoking around me yet lights up when I am in her apt or smokes just before I get there so that the stench is so strong I gag. I am allergic to cigs and I have told her this on several occasions, she dosent care. She dosent care about anything, I asked her not to publically announce that I was PG to every person that passed by, I dont think there is a person in town that dosent know by now she took that away from me (this is my first). She always ask how her granddaughter is (we havent found out the sex she is just insistant) she never ask how I am feeling I am just the vessel. If I try to talk to her about birth or my excitement the tables get turned into a story about her and her 2 week labor (eye roll). SHe actually asked to be at the homebirth we are planning only to critize that I should be in a hospital, I was a midwife apprentice for crying out loud, how are you going to tell me to go to the hospital. I dont want her and her sonic bomming voice near me during labor. I dont want her near me afterwards for some time. And if she never came over I wouldnt complaine. I know she is going to want to kiss and slobber all over the baby and that just makes my skin crawl, she will get ticked when we tell her to sit down to hold baby because she can hardly hold anything heavier than a cigerette without dropping it, she will trow a fit if I take baby away from her to feed and want to give a bottle, or if I dont let her hold baby for one reason or another, she likes to wake babies from their naps to hold them and play with them, and then I know the advice will start flowing like "Dont eat Tai food its bad for the baby" this one was good...it was because she didnt want to go to a Tai restraunt for dinner so she made this crap up. Ugh what am I to do. I love my honey more that anything and i would really like to have a good relationship with my M-I-L but I have tried on many occasions to get this done and it fails everytime. I honestly can look at myself and know what I am doing to cause the situations but this woman is a solo flyer in all this.<br><br>
Help me!<br><br>
Riki--due in June<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,962 Posts
UGH! Mama, I am so sorry that you are in this situation. The only advice/ wisdom I have is that your hubby (?) has to be on the same opage as you and he has to tell HIS mother what your wishes are. Cause he has to stick up for you and the baby! I know because I haev been there! My ILs are coming to visit in August, and there is no way in HELL that I will let my 2.5 y/o, let alone my brand new baby alone with them come August. When they visited us when ds1 was like 3 mos, they offerred to babysit for a few hours and we politely, yet gratefully said no. That ds was too little/ needed to bf/ enter excuse here! And they did not ask again. Just stand your ground, nod and say yes when appropriate and be the big mama bear when you need to be <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
It's tough...I know. Believe, this is but one of many tough situations that being a parent puts you in <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
HUGS!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
99 Posts
I am so there with you mama!<br><br>
I live with my MIL. She has had many strokes, lost her husband last year and can't really be all by herself, although she is somewhat sufficient. I do not alow my daughter around her unless myself or husband is in the room, and he agrees with me. She was a horrible mother to her son, still is a horrible person, and also smokes those nasty cigarettes. She also does not want to live anymore and there are a lot of us around her who share her view ( I know it sounds awful but she is a mean, self-centered, verbally abusive person even after 4 strokes).<br><br>
So I just wanted to say hang in there, you are the mother and you can decide who and when can be around your baby. Big hugs to you I completely understand what you are going through.<br><br>
Wife to Jason, mother to Alexis 8/1/03 and expecting a boy 6/22/06
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,313 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
I'm sorry you have to go through that. The only thing I can suggest is to avoid her. When you can't, treat her like a capable adult... Nothing makes a whiner shut up like a logical "well, what are <b>you</b> going to do about this?"<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br><br>
The worst situation like that that I've ever had, a friend started going on about how he wasn't worth anything and how could we stand to be friends with him, blah, blah.<br>
I stood up and told him that if he was going to insult me and my standards then I was going to leave. That shut him up quick.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
498 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> oh, mama, what a difficult situation ... you've got my sympathy, for sure.<br><br>
I love what wolfcat said about asking her, "well, what are YOU going to do about this?" when she starts whining and complaining. It sounds like it is going to be a big adjustment for her, who is used to being the center of attention and care, once the baby comes (like a child, I'd imagine) and I think you are right to feel like you need some defensive strategies in place before the baby gets here so you are prepared to deal with things, worst case scenario (and let us all hope that "worst case" doesn't happen!)<br><br>
I agree also that your Dh has to be on the same page as you and be willing to be the one who handles his mother. You are going to have a new baby to take care of. I guess I look at it like it is your primary job to take care of the baby first, and your partner's primary job to take care of you, the mama first.<br><br>
I know you want to be polite and sensitive, but honestly, there are some issues (the smoking around you for one!) where politeness can go out the window <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: Well, okay, ask nicely once and if you don't get compliance, well some things like not smoking around a pregnant woman are just not negotiable. There are valid reasons behind your request and she will have to comply or else not spend time around you and later on the baby ... whom she certainly should not be smoking around. You have every right to be, and should be, assertive when it comes to issues of safety and health. Let the mama lion in you come out and hopefully the papa lion will come out in your partner, too <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
That said, as much as I wish it were different for you, there probably are some things you'll have to deal with for the sake of peace. It sounds like she is pretty set in her ways and isn't going to just stop complaining or giving out free advice ... I wish I knew something to tell you to deal with that other than to write it off and ignore it, but I don't ... (maybe someone else will?) I know it must really try your patience, though <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> It is your partner's mother but there's no set in stone rule that says you or you child have to be around her, especially if she can't treat you with respect. You can't make someone be kind, but she should at least be able to be respectful toward you for her son's sake and her grandchild, if nothing else, you know?<br><br>
It can be really hard to think of standing up for ourselves (thinking of the smoking around you thing again) at least it is for me, but I think you'll be surprised just how easy it will be for you to stand up on behalf of your child. The best thing for a baby is a healthy, happy mama. That includes mental health, too. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
best wishes! I hope that things will work out ... and if they can't, I hope your partner will be fully supportive of you. It isn't an easy position to be in, I'm sure.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,709 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm so sorry to hear this. I've been in similar situations, though not quite so severe. My heart really goes out to you and your family.<br>
I agree with pp who said that your dh needs to be the one to be upfront with her. She needs to know that if her inconsiderate behavior persists, she will not be seeing you, him, or the baby. She also needs to know that she is not to hold the baby for safety's sake. I had a hard time letting my mom hold my baby when she was born just because she always smelled like cigarettes, even though she didn't smoke around the baby. Sometimes doing what's best for our children requires offending people, and it is so hard, but it has to be done. She needs to know the limits. And, I hate to say it because she is an adult, but if she's going to act like a rebellious child she needs to be treated like one. There should be rules set and consequences if they are broken. If she makes a demand, as opposed to politely asking, you won't answer her calls for several days. If she smokes before you come over or while you're there, neither of you will come over to help her out the next time she needs something. I know it sounds harsh, but she's learned that she controlls these situations. That shouldn't be the case. You guys are doing so much for her, the least she can do is be polite. If she won't be, don't help her. I don't mean to preach. I just know how upsetting these things are and it really gets me going! I'm not much of a tough love kind of person, but I really think in this situation nothing will change unless the two of you really toughen up.<br>
Hope things will ease up for you (I read another post of yours and I know there are other issues in your life right now too, like your inconsiderate roomate... personally, I'd start putting his dirty dishes on his bed... but I'm evil like that <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> ). I'll keep you guys in my prayers. Take care of yourself and your precious baby, and have the best birth ever (without that crazy woman there, I can't even believe she asked!).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
735 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
First of all thank you all bunches for the replies, I need to know that there are others out there that feel my pain and annoyance too, I dont feel so alone. I believe that something might have made a connection with my MIL about her health situation. She has been given a chance to move into a far better apt than she is in now, under one stipulation, she cant smoke. She swears that she will quit, even if she cuts down it would be great. She really needs this apt, the one she is in now is a hovel and I hate that she lives there its unsuitable for habitation for anyone. Anyhow maybe God has put this in our path for a reason. I will tell her to be prepared when the baby comes that I will be selfish about it. I wont let many people hold baby, or come over for the first few weeks. In fact I dont want anyone but my midwife and doula to come over to my house for about 2-3 weeks pp. I need that time with the baby and my dh alone. DH and I will talk about it and I am going to say that I dont want mom to come over for 3 days pp, she can then come over for about an hour then thats it I am done with company. I dont wnat her over right away, infact I am not going to tell anyone that I am in labor excpt my family who are all in CA (i am in AK). Things could be a'changing so we will see. As for the roomate...if I out dirty dishes on his bed he would just sleep with them and then we wouldnt have dishes to eat off of....if we didnt need the rent he would be so long gone. Its a good thing I dont see him much anyways.<br>
Thank you all for your support and prayers, you all are wonderful.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
105 Posts
Riki:<br><br>
OMG I think your MIL and my mom are the same person!<br><br>
I can totally relate to your problem, although from a different perspective...in my case it's my mom, and my dh was the one to feel sorry for her...at first.<br><br>
Over the years, she has become more "ripe". She was finally diagnosed about two years ago with Borderline Personality Disorder while she was hospitalized - she had surgery to remove a cancerous growth in her lung (yes, she chain-smokes, and still does, even after having half her lung removed), and while she was there, she kept asking me and my brother to get her gun for her and to please forgive her because she's going to kill herself. She's done this before, though, so I didn't put much credence to it. I grew up listening to this garbage - but, she likes herself far too much to actually pull the trigger. The nurse who was assigned to her had to tell the doc, though, as it's her license if she doesn't, and he called in a psych consult who immediately had her number.<br><br>
That was a turning point for me, as I had always been either the most wonderful daughter or a major disappointment when she didn't get what she wanted from me, which consisted of more than one daughter can give...more than any one person should be required to give to someone as ungrateful as she is. Sound familiar?<br><br>
Her first words to me when I told her I was pg with my first..."I don't know how I feel about this"...well doesn't that speak volumes! It's all about her, and it always has been.<br><br>
I had told myself for a long time that all mothers were like this, and that I was the problem...finally got that cleared up...normal, er, functional mothers aren't chain-smoking, pill-popping alcoholics. She knows about being diagnosed with the personality disorder - she asked for her chart because she wanted to sue the hospital for some stupid reason. She has vehemently denied that she has any sort of problem and refuses to get any treatment.<br><br>
So, I had to finally cut her off. I can't have her negativity in my life or my children's lives. My husband has been as supportive as he is able, thank goodness.<br><br>
That is the important thing - how does your dh feel about his mom? If he still feels like he has to care for her, then I don't know what to tell you...this could cause alot of problems for you down the road...if not, then he needs to speak up and take a stand for himself and for his family.<br><br>
My dh had a hard time understanding why I cut off my mom, and he is still struggling with it, even though he's seen her at her worst (she's called him a liar and a thief). He feels sorry for her. But he has been supportive of my decision.<br><br>
I also see a therapist who is helping me to change the bad habits I learned from her. That has helped tremendously.<br><br>
I wish you the best in this...I know it's hard...I'm so sorry you're having to deal with her while your pg for the first time...don't let her take away these precious moments. I did that for too long (38 years) and I am finally free to enjoy my life without her negativity ruining everything.<br><br>
keep us posted
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
49 Posts
Hi to all<br>
My thoughts go to all of you in this situation.<br>
My mother as with Juliwan has been the issue in my life for as long as I can remember.<br>
I am pregnant with number 7 and shelives on another continent but still had the ability to make me feel awful about being me!<br>
I cut ties with her and it has helped me to see the real person.<br>
I read a book by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka called Kids, Parents and Power Struggles, in it she does an exercise that gets you to think about positive and negative influence people in your life and how they made you feel about yourself. She concludes that people are either enhancers or destroyers.<br>
This gave me great power over my decision making and that helped hugely.<br>
Good luck.<br>
love<br>
kate
 
1 - 9 of 9 Posts
Top