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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Just got this email via my dh, from his mother:<br><br>
am enrolling in a workshop at ... - 6 - 12 July - so even if I fly out to see you for a day or two in June - I will come again in July - and will arrange to see you then as well - I think we have the Wednesday of that week off - so.....one way or another.<br><br><br>
Note that nothing in this email ASKS if it is ok to fly out and see us in June. I don't like my mother-in-law, she is emotionally stunted and has a very unhealthy attachment to her sons, so much so that they serve as pseudo-husbands to her (my dh much less so, but it has taken 13 years with me for that to untangle). The last thing I want as my due date approaches is for her to pop in and see us. She lacks any degree of empathy and if I were to ask her not to come because I was gearing up for labor, she would tell me I was being difficult. I feel like as the pregnant woman, I have the RIGHT to be difficult.<br><br>
What to do you think? Should I contact her and ask her not to come, or have DH do it???? This is way too much added stress for me to deal with, I am practically hyperventilating just thinkign about having to put my happy face on around this b%%ch.<br><br>
Argh...thanks for listening!<br><br>
Jacqueline
 

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you're not being unreasonable at all.....but I'd leave the dirty work of telling her not to come up to your DH....unless of course he won't do it.<br><br>
Let me tell you my dirty little secret....I told my family that I am due June 28...I'm really due June 8. I did it to avoid these types of issues with my own family.<br><br>
Good Luck!
 

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Yep, I agree with Oonah. You're not being difficult. You're protecting yourself from the known stress factors in your life, which you should. And yeah, I'd make your DH tell her. He can make something up if he likes (i.e. you're busy with some activity and you won't be there to receive her) or he can tell her the cold, hard truth: you'd prefer not having anyone (meaning her) over during this time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
My dh is pretty adamant that it is MY issue and therefore my issue to deal with.<br><br>
I will say this here, because I can...it is moments like this that as much as I love my dh, I sometimes wish we had never had children together. I feel so trapped by his overbearing mother and it makes me wish I wasn't stuck with her until she dies. I know that sounds awful, but I am upset and that is honestly how I feel right now.<br><br>
ugh
 

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Oh no.....well then definately tell her...and soon....I'm a wimp and would do it by email. No big long explanation, just say that doesn't work for you...how about sometime in August or 2019 <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mamatosaskia</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10767178"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My dh is pretty adamant that it is MY issue and therefore my issue to deal with.<br></div>
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His DNA = His Issue. Period.<br><br>
IMO, he has an obligation to protect you and your birthing space from anyone and anything that threatens your peace of mind/body/soul. I think you are being totally reasonable. FTR, I don't believe that as birthing women that we have to justify who we want to have around us in the time leading up to giving birth. Instincts and intuitions matter and have validity. This woman isn't coming to your home to support you. She has no business there during this time unless YOU want her there.<br><br>
My hormonal .02... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> mama!
 

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You are not being unreasonable at all tell her no.
 

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I totally agree with it being his responsibility to handle. His family is for him to handle. Your family is for you.<br><br>
And I agree with you that she is being nervy in *stating* when she will come, instead of asking. That would definitely rub me wrong. And I don't think you should feel badly for saying it to her if she presses.<br><br>
If your dh isn't going to do it, I'd email her back "Sorry, that won't work for me." If she says you're being difficult, so what? Just be all like, "Yeah, I get like that after having a baby!" with a laugh. Don't let her press your buttons.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Oonah</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10767209"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Oh no.....well then definately tell her...and soon....I'm a wimp and would do it by email. No big long explanation, just say that doesn't work for you...how about sometime in August or 2019 <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"></div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">: I also think that as she's your DH's mother HE should handle it but obviously he doesn't agree. But I think a brief email that says something like "I'm not interested in having any visitors in June since we'll be very busy with the baby but if you'd like to come afterwards in July or August (or never) then we'd be happy to see you."<br><br>
Of course, I'd also ask her which hotel I should make reservations at, but I can be a little... um... abrupt, I guess.
 

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Do we have the same mother in law? Actually my mil only has one son and yes the reign can be very tight and suffocating. And I have a similar June situation that is stressing me out. The in laws are planning a family reunion at the end of June and are putting the pressure on that we need to come (7 hour drive or 3 hours because they are making plans to stay at a cabin half way). They are frustrated because we won't set a date for the reunion with them! UGH! Luckily dh has told them they need to back off (although not as strongly as I would like him to).<br><br>
I would definitely ask dh to please talk to his mother and explain that you are feeling sensitive about the birthing time and will need some time before visitors come.<br><br>
By the way I really like the idea of "pushing" my due date back a bit. I think at my next doc appointment "they" are going to "realize" that I'm not as far along as they thought. Hee hee
 

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My mil likes to let me exactly how I'm not good enough and I'm fat and I'm going to kill her son, and I don't do the dishes right, and it's a shame I'm not colombian, and........ I hate ****. If she comes near my home when I have this baby, I'll be sitting at the door, in a rocking chair with an f-ing shot gun!!!!!!<br>
Thankfully for me though, she lives in Florida and I'm in Oregon. So she can't just pop in.<br>
I, personally, would approach her directly. It's obvious that she will try to manipulate her son and this thing will drag out until she has told him some many things about why YOU are so unreasonable that, blah, blah, blah......<br>
SO, go straight for the jugular!!!!!!<br><br>
Say- I'm sorry, **** face, I'm mean mil,...... We will be having, blah, blah blah....... insert, blah, blah..... And you are welcome to call as much as you like, honestly (remember to screen calls). I'll mark on the calender in July to give you a call to set up a visit!(actually write silly faces on calender and forget why later).<br><br>
And then go into the goriest conversation/horrors story/texas chain saw flick descriptioon of your last birth!!!!!<br><br>
In one month, send her a birth video. Make sure it's a bad one!<br><br>
She's going to blame you regardless. Be nice and be firm and if you have, to play stupid. But, your going to win it. And if it's your hubs doing it, she will continue to have what power she does. If you squash the ***** now, she will have to learn very quickly that all things go through you. End of subject!<br><br>
But, maybe I'm being to harsh.
 

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This is his baby too in your womb. It is his role to protect you as you feel the needs and what that is. Setting up space boundries right before birth is a concern that needs to revolve around the one giving birth-his role, his mother, his contact to say as the protector we would love to see her AFTER the baby is born and we (as a family) will set up the time that works best for us. Just tell him you need him more then ever and this is how you need him to be. Good luck mama<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mandalin24kd</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10773613"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My mil likes to let me exactly how I'm not good enough and I'm fat and I'm going to kill her son, and I don't do the dishes right, and it's a shame I'm not colombian, and........ I hate ****. If she comes near my home when I have this baby, I'll be sitting at the door, in a rocking chair with an f-ing shot gun!!!!!!<br>
Thankfully for me though, she lives in Florida and I'm in Oregon. So she can't just pop in.<br>
I, personally, would approach her directly. It's obvious that she will try to manipulate her son and this thing will drag out until she has told him some many things about why YOU are so unreasonable that, blah, blah, blah......<br>
SO, go straight for the jugular!!!!!!<br><br>
Say- I'm sorry, **** face, I'm mean mil,...... We will be having, blah, blah blah....... insert, blah, blah..... And you are welcome to call as much as you like, honestly (remember to screen calls). I'll mark on the calender in July to give you a call to set up a visit!(actually write silly faces on calender and forget why later).<br><br>
And then go into the goriest conversation/horrors story/texas chain saw flick descriptioon of your last birth!!!!!<br><br>
In one month, send her a birth video. Make sure it's a bad one!<br><br>
She's going to blame you regardless. Be nice and be firm and if you have, to play stupid. But, your going to win it. And if it's your hubs doing it, she will continue to have what power she does. If you squash the ***** now, she will have to learn very quickly that all things go through you. End of subject!<br><br>
But, maybe I'm being to harsh.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/ROTFLMAO.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rotflmao"> MIL,you gotta luv'em,NOT!!!<br><br>
When we were looking for a home,DH decided he wanted his mom to live with us. I was dead set against it,but he's hardheaded. So,I was talking to my SIL and told her I didn't think it was a good idea. SIL,being the gem she is,didn't want me or MIL in an aweful situation AGAIN(we'd lived together before). So,she spoke to MIL and told her I was having reservations and perhaps I was right(I didn't know SIL would do this). MIL was offended and decided that if I didn't want her to move with us, she wasn't going where she was unwanted.<br><br>
So, may I suggest you put the word out to a big mouth in the family(BTW,I don't consider SIL a big mouth)
 

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I just went through this w/ my own family. We had a certain member who was trying to be sneaky by saying they'd stay at my sis's house at the "end of June" b/c that's when their holidays were, blah, blah, blah. this member did not ever once mention these plans to me, I was left to find out from sis that this was all in the works (she was fairly against it as well). Sis put pressure on said member to phone and ASK me if this was okay. Member decided to TELL me. They are coming from about 1000 miles away, so it's not like it'll be a short visit. I basically said that we were not having visitors this time around. This is baby#3, and I feel v. strongly about protecting "new family" space for my sons and myself and my DH, so this person would have to find another time to come. They had all kinds of reasons/excuses why it should be okay, but I was firm. I regret the number of people who came to stay each time after our two boys were born...it stressed me out, and adding a 3rd child just as school is ending and summer activities begin will be stress enough. I was sure to tell this member that we had invited certain people and the reasons for that, so that they couldn't come back later and harass me about it, but I said that I reserved the right to limit visitors. They basically couldn't argue, b/c I wasn't.<br><br>
That's a bit of a ramble, but I hope it helps. It's maddening when people presume that just b/c you're having a baby, visitors are welcome/mandatory/wanted, etc.
 

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My dh and I used to have major issues (she didn't want dh is marry me because she didn't want to live with me when she got old<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Dh and I read the book <span>Toxic Inlaws</span>. It was really good at setting boundries. And it was someone besides me telling dh that what was 'normal' for him was not healthy for our relationship.<br><br>
If I met my MIL today, I might actually like her. It's tough though forgetting the past.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>christinespurlock</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10778449"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My dh and I used to have major issues (she didn't want dh is marry me because she didn't want to live with me when she got old<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Dh and I read the book <span>Toxic Inlaws</span>. It was really good at setting boundries. And it was someone besides me telling dh that what was 'normal' for him was not healthy for our relationship.<br><br>
If I met my MIL today, I might actually like her. It's tough though forgetting the past.</div>
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Here's a link: <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FToxic-Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage%2Fdp%2FB00008MNVF%2Fref%3Dpd_bbs_1%3Fie%3DUTF8%26s%3Dbooks%26qid%3D1205687617%26sr%3D8-1" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Laws-Str...5687617&sr=8-1</a><br><br>
I've heard this book is highly recommended, although I haven't read it myself... thankfully, my inlaws are largely fabulous! My mom on the other hand..........................
 

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I ordered it also, thanks
 

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If DH doesn't want to deal with her then tell him you don't want to hear about it when she comes complaining to him about how you treat her (not that you will be mean but considering how she is no matter how you treat her she will complain). After setting those ground rules then respond to her.<br><br>
Keep it simple - just email her that DH had forwarded you her message. Tell her you won't be available in June (you do not have to give her a reason) so she should save her trip for when she is free in July. Tell her the Wednesday in July that she has off would be a perfect time for you all to meet for lunch and then tell her when and where.<br><br>
Set it up on your turf so you're comfortable with it.<br><br>
Then, tell DH that if she sends him any other emails trying to arrange a visit he needs to email her back and tell her to talk to you directly. If he won't respond back on your behalf tell him you don't want him being the go-between for her, either. She should have to contact you directly just like he wants you to contact her directly.
 
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