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Discussion Starter #1
UGH!<br><br>
I am SO ticked off right now! My family typically goes to my cousin's house to celebrate Mother's Day AND my Grandmother's birthday. Well this year I sort of kind of figured out about 2 weeks ago by over hearing conversation at a birthday party that my cousin (as well as her mother who is my aunt) were going on vacation and so we weren't doing Mother's Day at my cousins.<br><br>
FINE with me... I can't say I truly enjoy this event. I'm due with my 3rd baby in the next week or so. Staying home sounded heavenly.<br><br>
HOWEVER, it is my grandmother's 70th birthday this year. So I started asking my mom what the deal is? Had she talked to my aunt (her sister)? What were they planning? My mother didn't know and didn't seem to care. Fine, I'll get my grandmother my own gift and have her over for a birthday dinner.<br><br>
Well then my mother started talking going out to brunch. And she wanted me to plan it. I looked into different places and it was going to cost our family of four (after we chipped in for Grandma and Grandpa and my MIL who'd we have to invite too) $100-$150. Umm... no. I'm not spending that.<br><br>
SO I felt backed into a corner and RELUCTANTLY agreed to have it here. UGH! So much for MY peaceful day!<br><br>
At 7:30 this morning my aunt emails my mother asking her what is going on for mother's day/my grandmother's birthday? Why haven't you guys said anything? (Yes, you guys... as in ME). Do we want to go out to a big dinner out or a picnic on Memorial day? My mother forwards me this without a word from her.<br><br>
SO then 45 minutes later my mother calls me. Laughing, did you get the email? I told her yes, I did and I wanted to strangle the two of them (my mother and my aunt) because they should have just talked this out WEEKS ago! My mother goes off saying my aunt and my cousin are just playing games and they knew what they were doing when they planned their trip and why did they wait until the day before mother's day to bring this up and it is all their fault... blah blah blah blah.<br><br>
NO! It is BOTH of their faults. I'm the one paying for it! Now not only am I having a picnic here and I do NOT WANT TO AT ALL! But it looks like they are expecting me to drag a newborn out to a restaurant or a picnic. Did I mention this will be a c-section? It is scheduled for the 18th unless baby decides to come sooner - which I doubt. I have NO DESIRE ON THIS PLANET TO DRAG MY CUT UP BODY, MY BABY, AND MY TWO BOYS TO ANYTHING!<br><br>
I'm SO SO SO aggravated. And my mother wants me to decide what to tell them.<br><br>
Oh, and my aunt and cousins are gong to be PO'd at ME for not inviting them here tomorrow. MY mom told me they were all going to be GONE until after Mother's Day. Well, apparently they are coming home today or tonight.<br><br>
ARGH!<br><br>
Ok, I vented! Any advice?
 

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You have the power to say NO. You can visit yout Grandmother briefly, one on one after the event. You have no idea how your recovery will be so you really cannot commit to going at this time, right?
 

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Discussion Starter #3
That is what I told my mother. I can't commit. We'll see how I'm feeling that day. She pretty much hung up on me.
 

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Yup- you CAN say "no". Yes there will be fall-out but you don't need to feel guilty, and you don't need to spend all this emotional energy on your family's dysfunction. Remove yourself. Put up some boundaries and watch the shit fly because there will be a lot of anger directed at you. There always is when healthy boundaries replace sick co-dependency.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
I'd tell everyone except the birthday girl <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> to go kick rocks this year.<br><br>
That's pretty low all the way around... sounds like your mom blew it this year. Don't engage her about this at all. Explain to the cousins that your mom got her wires crossed (?) and you are sorry things turned out as they did, then STEP AWAY. You did nothing wrong, but from the dynamic I'm reading, someone is going to be mad <i>at you</i>. You did nothing wrong, and their anger (or whatever) is <i>their problem, not yours</i>.<br><br>
You do not have to do anything you don't want to. Least of all a big party right before or after giving birth.<br><br>
I'd spend mother's day how I wanted to... nice, peaceful, drama-free (and deal with the fall-out sometime next year-- you'll be much too busy til then <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">)
 

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I agree with the pps. DOn't engage any of them. Walk away. You have enough on your plate right now. I would cancel the "brunch" for tomorrow, visit your grandma, wish her a happy birthday and tell the rest of them to do whatever they want, that you're on your babymoon and won't be participating.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I can't recommend this book enough. Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It's Christian based, but even if you are not a Christian, there is so much good advice in it, it would be worth reading.<br><br>
I agree. Say no and step back. You do not have to attend. You do not have to participate in the confusion and drama.<br><br>
Why in the world isn't your mom planning all this? Why does she expect you to do it all and why is she making it harder for you?<br><br>
I agree there will be "stuff" said, people mad when you set boundaries, but it is so worth it.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Well my mother came over here today to help me clean for the picnic tomorrow. I thought for sure we'd get into it over the whole situation but for once she was pretty good. She sent my aunt an email and dealt with it. I guess they are doing Memorial Day and she told me if I wasn't up to attended she'd come get my boys and take them so they could have a good time and I could rest.<br><br>
I was pretty stunned. She's not been this way in the past.<br><br>
So my house is spotless. We worked on that together. I'm glad not only for the picnic but also because it sssoooo needed to be done before baby. She's coming back early tomorrow to do all the cooking. I don't actually have to do much of anything.<br><br>
In the end, she turned it around and is handling far better than she was. Not a harsh word today and we actually had a great day together.<br><br>
Go figure! Not like her at all! But I'll take it!
 

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Lose it. Seriously freak out. Tear them a new one about being inconsiderate, uncommunicative, taking advantage of a pregnant woman. Unleash your frustration and hormones until they know perfectly well that it's a stupid idea to dump things on a mama 10 days before surgery and a new baby.<br><br>
ETA: Ah, I see from the update that your mom decided to back her child over her sister. Woo!!
 

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I would just say," Hey mums being pregnant I am just not up to planning or doing anything.You and your sister should take care of this,because I just want to stay home and relax on MY mothers day."<br><br>
Get and give grams a gift and let the rest go.
 
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