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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Anyone here bi identified and later shift to lesbian identified?<br><br>
I've considered myself bisexual since I was about 15 (when I realized it was an option :LOL ) Now I'm about to turn thirty and I'm starting to realize that men just don't give me that tingly feeling anymore.<br><br>
Mind you my sexuality is theoretical at best...I'll be marking my fifth year of celibacy later this year. Because of that I'm grappling with my shifting self perception and sexual identity, and at the same time asking myself why it matters...not like I'm acting on these changes...KWIM?<br><br>
I'm vacillating between feeling like this is really important self exploration...and wondering why I'm even bothering <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/confused.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Confused">:
 

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I know for me, over the years I've gone from at being maybe 50/50 interest level in adolesence To 75 (toward women)/ 25 in my teens to now 100% women. Men just don't interest me AT ALL anymore.
 

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You are not alone Medusa and I couldn't have put it better myself.<br><br>
My 2nd year of celibacy is coming up and for some reason, I don't see a man in my future. As well, I developed crushes of various intensities over the past six months on three different women. None on men.<br><br>
About three weeks ago I began to panic. Am I gay? I've had plenty of crushes on men and good sex too, but something about men just isn't sitting well with me as of late.<br><br>
There are a number of reasons why I would consider turning my back on men for good and ending up with a woman as a partner.<br><br>
A) I am 31. What man is honestly interested in sleeping with a 31-yr old, esp. one who's had a baby. Women are far less judgemental of their female lovers, usually.<br><br>
B) Step-dads can be bad news for so many reasons. Step-moms can be bad too, but far it's less likely.<br><br>
C) Most men seem to think they are irresistible. That or they tell you straight off that they are married, like you are some predator or that you had contemplated sleeping with them. (Ick.) I just get so tired of it. Sometimes I feel like saying "Why the hell are you dropping your wife into this? This is a professional discussion..." F*ckheads.<br><br>
I got together with a lesbian couple I know to bounce my feelings off of them. They offered to introduce me to some friends, and I would like to go to the local gay club, but I haven't screwed up the courage yet.<br><br>
How do you think you'll be approaching this? I'm on the fence: celibacy or a gf, but no man. ever. again.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Medusa</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I've considered myself bisexual since I was about 15 (when I realized it was an option :LOL ) Now I'm about to turn thirty and I'm starting to realize that men just don't give me that tingly feeling anymore.<br>
...I'm vacillating between feeling like this is really important self exploration...and wondering why I'm even bothering <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/confused.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Confused">:</div>
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I could have written that myself! Especially the part about important exploration vs why do labels matter...
 

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I have this sneaking suspicion that within the next ten years or so I'll be all done with men.<br><br>
Hard to tell though, with a young child and all, sexuality is pretty minimally explored. I do get crushes tho, mainly on women.<br><br>
My dp once told my auntie that he fully expected that I would come out as a lesbian someday. So if/when it happens, at least I won't have to fight with him about it <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> and ideally still co-parent...
 

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I did have a fleeting moment when I thought I was bi, but then a guy really, really did like me and he was a very sweet guy where I probably could have been happy with him... but it did NOTHING for me. I knew then that I really just liked women. I get the tinglies with women. Even women that I really wouldn't want a relationship with. I'm now seeing a girl that drives me insane, I've not ever felt that with men and I'm not sure how to deal with these feelings.<br><br>
I also don't think it is necessary to label oneself. I do say that I'm a lesbian for ease of discussion, but in reality, I am just me. I've been with men exclusively in the past and I realized later in life that I didn't have to do that. Was I a lesbian then and didn't know it? Who knows. But in the end, it just doesn't matter, because right now I'm seeing this really wonderful woman and it feels really, really good.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>eamama</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">You are not alone Medusa and I couldn't have put it better myself.<br><br>
My 2nd year of celibacy is coming up and for some reason, I don't see a man in my future. As well, I developed crushes of various intensities over the past six months on three different women. None on men.<br><br>
About three weeks ago I began to panic. Am I gay? I've had plenty of crushes on men and good sex too, but something about men just isn't sitting well with me as of late..</div>
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I find myself wondering if this period of celibacy is what's giving me the space to really explore and acknowledge my sexuality KWIM? I also have found myself a little paniced by the idea that I might be a lesbian...rather than bisexual...which blows my mind. I'm kinda radically liberal, and always had plenty of gay and lesbian friends, never been the least bit homophobic, and have been in relationships with women before. I was always really comfortable with the idea of being bisexual, but I'm scared of being a lesbian. So is it the "safety" of celibacy (i.e. on acting on my sexuality) the reason I'm finally exploring this? Or have I just dated mostly guys because...well their easy and plentiful.<br><br>
I guess there is a little bit of a saftey net to being bisexual...as a bisexual I <b>COULD</b> be in a socially excepted relationship with a man and kinda avoid a lot of the intolerance and danger.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">There are a number of reasons why I would consider turning my back on men for good and ending up with a woman as a partner.<br><br>
A) I am 31. What man is honestly interested in sleeping with a 31-yr old, esp. one who's had a baby. Women are far less judgemental of their female lovers, usually.<br><br>
B) Step-dads can be bad news for so many reasons. Step-moms can be bad too, but far it's less likely.<br><br>
C) Most men seem to think they are irresistible. That or they tell you straight off that they are married, like you are some predator or that you had contemplated sleeping with them. (Ick.) I just get so tired of it. Sometimes I feel like saying "Why the hell are you dropping your wife into this? This is a professional discussion..." F*ckheads.</td>
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I really haven't even considered it on a rational level like that...I'm really just looking at my physical reaction to people. Like yesterday I kept looking at the men and women and trying to gauge if I had a visceral physical attraction to them...I'm sure a couple of them were trying to figure out why I was starting at them :LOL<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I got together with a lesbian couple I know to bounce my feelings off of them. They offered to introduce me to some friends, and I would like to go to the local gay club, but I haven't screwed up the courage yet.<br><br>
How do you think you'll be approaching this? I'm on the fence: celibacy or a gf, but no man. ever. again</td>
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I guess I just don't know at this point. I'm pretty content with my celibacy, so I'll sticking with that for the time being...what happens in the future will just happen I guess. Right now I'm just trying to explore my assumtions about my own sexuality, and trying to get a grip on what all this means.<br><br>
The questions I'm asking myself are: Why haven't I explored this before? Is my self image based on unfounded or false assumptions? Am I just reacting to the pain I've gotten from the last couple of men I had in my life? If I am a lesbian is my celibacy coming from a place of fear? What am I afraid of?<br>
it's just an endless stream of questions.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
And thank you to eveyone that's replying! I'm really glad to know I'm not alone in this...it's nice to have people to bouce this off of...before it just felt like this incredible pressure building inside of me.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Medusa</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I find myself wondering if this period of celibacy is what's giving me the space to really explore and acknowledge my sexuality KWIM? I also have found myself a little paniced by the idea that I might be a lesbian...rather than bisexual...So is it the "safety" of celibacy (i.e. on acting on my sexuality) the reason I'm finally exploring this? Or have I just dated mostly guys because...well their easy and plentiful.</div>
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Same. I thought I was going to sink into a deep depression. Part of me was saying "yes, I am still sexually attracted to men, but the pickings are so few, so why not just be gay?" And I know what you mean about men being easy and plentiful. I suppose I could date a man again, but I'm not sure I'd enjoy it or feel as wanted as I would with a woman. It's not good to be so categorical, but I feel far less judged on a physical level by women (gay or bi ones anyway.) I felt I was making a choice out of insecurity and it had to be one sex or the other, but not both.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Medusa</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Like yesterday I kept looking at the men and women and trying to gauge if I had a visceral physical attraction to them...I'm sure a couple of them were trying to figure out why I was starting at them :LOL</div>
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I've found myself doing the same thing over the past 15 or so years. Not sure it got me anywhere. I basically admire men and women, and my reactions change according to my time of the month and what I'm craving <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> Still bi I guess.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Medusa</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I guess I just don't know at this point. I'm pretty content with my celibacy, so I'll sticking with that for the time being...what happens in the future will just happen I guess. Right now I'm just trying to explore my assumtions about my own sexuality, and trying to get a grip on what all this means.</div>
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Yup, I'm with you there.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Medusa</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">The questions I'm asking myself are: Why haven't I explored this before? Is my self image based on unfounded or false assumptions? Am I just reacting to the pain I've gotten from the last couple of men I had in my life? If I am a lesbian is my celibacy coming from a place of fear? What am I afraid of? it's just an endless stream of questions.</div>
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Oh gawd yes. I thought I had borderline personality disorder or something, like I didn't know myself at all and that I was just looking for something to latch onto...that wasn't a man! My celibacy is definitely coming from a place of fear. If only I could break out of it, but it'd be very difficult. It's being sublimated positively into mommy-love for my son. (Sometimes I wonder if the two are mutually exclusive - sex stuff with hubby or bf, and cuddles and nursing a little one - though I don't have the hubby/bf to worry about.)
 

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WOW...been there done that ladies...I guess I more ID as lesbian now...my GF doesn't really care as long as I'm committed to her. I'd love to believe I COULD fall in love with a man again (after 10 years of marriage) but I just don't see it happening. In the 30 years I've dated, a man has just never done it for me in the way my current GF does. Sex is more fulfilling, I'm a complete person emotionally, physically and spiritually. I don't care about labels, I just follow my heart...but my heart leads me to women...((SHRUG)) no big deal what you want to call me, YK??!!<br><br>
But I did struggle for a LONG time with the label...I've reread my diary from that time and it was a CONSTANT battle to figure out who I was and what I wanted. Bi...Lesbian...Bi...Lesbian...was I a bisexual more attracted to women, or was I a lesbian who just happened to be married??? Obviously the label had implications for whether or not I stayed married so I had a lot of things working on me. Medusa...don't worry about the label...bi or lesbian it doesn't really matter if you follow your heart and soul, YK?? I found my therapist helped me deal with the label issue...knew that I was more lesbian than bi, but let me come to that conclusion all on my own. I was VERY VERY fearful for whatever reason of "letting go" of being bisexual but I realized in my heart that I just never really connect with men in "that way." Truth be told I've done a lot of reading on this and sexual orientation is much more fluid with women...it ebbs and flows...I have good friends who were out lesbians in their younger days and now ID as bi...and I have good friends who ID'd as bi and now are out lesbians... Some of the stuff I've read says that women don't necessarily have a solid orientation but have the potential to love either a man or a woman...which is very different than men who tend to go one way or the other and remain that way... Dunno if I buy into it as a generalizable conclusion, but it feels right for me, personally for what its worth...<br><br>
You are not alone!!!
 

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OH...and adding...I kicked myself forever too, wondering why at 38 I was finally dealing with it as an issue...was I really THAT out of touch I didn't realize this about myself. A dear friend comforted me and said, "Robyn, you dealt with it when you were ready to deal with it...you are in a healthier place now and are able to make good decisions. THIS was the right time..." All things happen for a reason...<br><br>
FYI...If you have not read Lesbian Epiphanies, it may help answer some of your questions...!
 
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