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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My oldest DD just informed me she and her boyfriend want to be parents(he is 21)<br><br><br>
Why am I so upset about this? Why do I want to say" wait... there are so many things out there you have yet to do ." They have been talking about marriage for about 6 months...yet to set a date!! Hell, my dh and I just took the legal plunge 2 & 1/2 years ago....I should expect her to be so far, far left from mainstream. So free thinking, non conforming...then why I am I so thrown back by this.................<br><br><br>
She is mature, loving, devoted..................She will be, is , an AP mama to every child she comes in contact with... He is loving, creative (amazing artist) tender...loves my daughter, works full time, tryng to buy his own house.<br><br><br>
Any advice... I have been supportive by saying " I love you and trust you to make your own decisions... a child is the hardest, greatest most glorious thing a person can ever do,,, but please think this through... be sure"<br><br>
Should I say more? How do I stop this panic feeling I am having..why am I having it......<br><br>
Come on mamas... any advice...scold me from feeling this way....<br>
I have spent the last 18 years of her life teaching her to think and feel for herself.......<br><br>
Peace
 

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Oh my, that's....uh...scary. I can totally understand why youre in panic mode, i would be as well. I'm not sure that I have any advice, but i know for myself if my mother had the same response you had..."i love you and i trust you"....it wouldnt have been near as fun to me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> But that's just me, i always loved getting a good rise outta my mom just to watch her get all crazy.<br>
Definitely..Good luck!
 

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Your DD is older than her years GM. But she is alos <i>your</i> baby. That is hard to wrap your head around I would guess. You are reacting that way because you are still her mother, no matter the age. You know how children change your life and perhaps you are able to peek into the future a bit because you are a little knowing and intuitive and see where she may struggle should she go through with this. It is only natural to be scared and worried. A baby is a very big deal as we all know.<br><br>
But too, some of us were born to be mother's and mother's we shall be, always.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
nice to see you again.
 

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My DH and I got married when we were 19. We knew we wanted to have a family, but decided that it was a good idea to wait. Sooooo glad we did. I would freak out if my 18 yo daughter came to me saying she wanted to be a mother too, so I think it's totally reasonable.<br><br>
I would just be honest with her. If she wants to be an adult then treat her like an adult - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Tell her that it freaks you out, honestly. Tell her that you want to trust her to make her own decisions, and that you do and whatever she decides, you will support that, but that having a child is tremendously challengin and it might be best to try to get things in order before taking the plunge and waiting a little bit. Encourage her to try charting her cycles a bit and making a plan if she's serious about this. Tell her you'd prefer if they could support themselves and maybe tried it out a bit before assuming that it would all work out. Does she want to go to college? It might be a good idea to try it out first before deciding absolutely not, or just having an idea of what she wants to do in the future. This is a huge decision and she shouldn't take it lightly, I don't think. That said, I got pregnant accidentally, but at a very good time in my life, so it all worked out. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"><br><br>
Good luck to you!
 

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Ok I am going to be the differing voice here........I had my first child when I was 18. I was and still am an AP mom, I love my kids more than anything in the world. I was ready mentally at 18 to become a mom(although it wasn't planned). Becoming a mother was the best thing that ever happened to me. It was just the kick in the pants I needed to bring me onto the right track in life. So being a young mom isn't always a bad idea.<br><br>
People are ready for children at different times in their life. Some people aren't ready until their 35, and some are ready at 18. It all depends on the individual. Age isn't really a factor, maturity, the ability to care for a child both emotionally and financially, now that's what matters. But it is possible for young couples to stick it out, love their babes, and have happy and healthy relationships. I am now 23 and in a stable, loving relationship with a 21 year old man, whom my kids affectionatley call dad. Their bio dad isn't in their lives due to severe problems on his part; but that's another story. Bottom line is I haven't suffered and my kids haven't suffered because I had them when I was young, and it's because I was ready. If your daughter is ready, she will make a wonderful mother.
 

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I got married at 19 1/2, but we waited 3 years for kids.All I can say is I am so glad we did........<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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It so much depends on the individual. Parker was an "oops" baby...and I'm so so glad that she came when she did- when we were young (21)! Now when I think of my 20 yo SIL doing the same... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/yikes2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yikes">:
 

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I've been writing this then deleting and coming back to write it again...then deleting because I'm not real sure what to say but want to say something.<br><br>
I got married at 19 and DH and I started trying for a family right away. after the 6th ept came back negative I called my Mom crying and she said "Well I'm glad you're not pregnant, you don't need a baby in your life right now" I know now that that was her...not so tactful way of saying I'm afraid for you please think this through before you keep trying...but it was one of the most hurtful things she could have said to me. DH and I were ready to have a family then, no one else knew our hearts, or our plans but us. It hurt us when our families were'nt real supportive. I would have loved to hear my Mom say "I love you and I support you in your life"<br><br>
Trust your DD Mamma.
 

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i had my first at 18 ~ an unplanned but NOT unwanted baby ~ and i am glad to have had him while i was 1) still young enough to relate to him, and 2) young enough to have enough energy to chase him around! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>angelpie545</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Ok I am going to be the differing voice here........I had my first child when I was 18. I was and still am an AP mom, I love my kids more than anything in the world. I was ready mentally at 18 to become a mom(although it wasn't planned). Becoming a mother was the best thing that ever happened to me. It was just the kick in the pants I needed to bring me onto the right track in life. So being a young mom isn't always a bad idea.<br><br>
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Me too....preg. at 18, unplanned. Difference was dh and i had only been dating a month <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> but we'd been really good friends for a while. Having a baby (not that it wasnt freaking crazy hard) was my saving grace. I call him my angel because i know he litterally saved me from self destruction.<br>
BUT..there have been so many times over the last 8 yrs that i look back and think of the amazing things i couldve done and it makes me sad....not that i had him but just mourning a life I'll never see because i started a family so young.
 

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I was (am?) a young mama. I chose to become pregnant in my teens. I was completely ready to be a mom. One neat thing is that when my kids are old enough to be self-sufficient, I will have plenty of time to pursue my own interests, schooling or career. Of course there are concerns and money may be tight in the early years, but it is doable. Not to belittle your concerns, and I think you should be open in sharing them with your dd, but if she does become a young parent it can work just fine.
 

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I just want to say <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hola.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hola">: It's so great to see you and to keep following your life changes a bit.<br><br>
I can't judge or say anything useful about the situation, except that from what I've seen from you, your daughter is very well able to make her important decisions, and that your feelings of panic are rarely without good cause.<br>
Maybe you need to dig into yourself a bit, find out what causes it? It is a premonition about her and/or her dp, or do you have some unresolved mother/daughter issues yourself?<br><br>
Good luck and so <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> to see you
 

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I can understand why you are freaking out. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I remember having the STRONGEST baby urges around 18, and I can totally see how a person in a good relationship would give into those. Shoot, I was only 21 when I got pregnant with DS (done with college, tho). Of course it would be best to wait, but there's just no way to tell that to a woman with a strong baby urge. If I were in your shoes, I don't know what I would do, other than trying really hard to be gentle and kind with her. Finding a balance between reasonable and supportive would be hard for me. Best wishes to you, and I hope she decides to wait.<br><br>
This may be patronizing to her, but is there some way she can get a "baby fix" without actually having her own baby. Maybe offer AP childcare to a mama who has to return to work right after delivery or something? I know that the only thing that "held me over" until I finished school was the job I got at our church working in the baby nursery 3 times a week. It really did help me deal with the nurturing urge. I even worked rehab at a local animal rehab place. I was the resident "baby animal" person, and I got really good at it. Of course, I was a biology major, so I got to use that as credit.
 

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At 18, I am a great mom, but wish that I had waited (it wasn't planned). I think young mamas are great mamas, but I also think that without my great DH, awesome mom and MIL and having the best baby in the world, I would be crazy right now.... (would be?)<br><br><br>
Anyways I wish her and you the best!
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
THanks so very much to each of you for your words ................<br>
THanks to each of you for your words and thoughts.....<br><br>
I have my sweet little grandson sleeping in the my bed beside me. My love for him runs so deep ( I use to hear other grandmas say" wait to you have a grandbaby...there is nothing like it " I understand now!!!)<br><br>
I would like Kait to wait but will accept and support anything she chooses .<br><br>
I had my first(ds) right before I turned 21...looking back I was very young. I do not have a single regret.<br><br>
So................I guess Kait may( if the goddess agrees) be posting here soon. She told me she will no longer be taking her birth control pill.<br><br>
I watched her last night play with Garreth(sweet little grandson), our friend's granddaughter and her boyfriend's niece. THey were all dancing on our deck under the full moon, Kait had made each of them a little wand (calling each wand a " wish" what she called wands when she was little)and she told the kids to hold their wishes up to the moon and say "hello moon, hello moon, hello moon" IT was very beautiful... three little kids holding up their "wishes" screaming and dancing under the moon, my beautiful daughter directing the madnesss and granola mom... just watching.. realizing that no matter what.. it will all be OK...<br><br>
Peace to each of you,<br><br>
Granolamom
 

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granolamom: hi, there. I'm going with simonee on this one...I think that you need to go inside you and explore what this passage in your life means. Like you say, you know grandmother love through Garreth, but this time it will be different...garreth is your son's son, right?<br>
There is a power in a mother seeing her daughter become a woman, birth, and mother that I think she has to explore. Cait has given you the gift of letting you settle into this feeling before she DOES embark on the journey to motherhood. I'd take this time to--well, only you know what steps to take--to bless your daughter on HER passage, and prepare yourself for this change for you.<br><br>
Thank you for the lovely early summer image of children and wishes and moons, and hugs to that sweet grandbaby.<br>
Mary, who almost weeps with the sweet anticipation of such passages in her life (waiting for dd's menarche...)
 

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I had other plans....I had ds at 22.<br>
that is all I am saying....<br>
I do not regret ds at all....<br>
I just had other plans- and that tends to haunt me sometimes- motherhood is not something you can take back- even for a minute- when it is done it is done.<br>
There is not a minute of the day any day for the rest of my life where I will not be a mother. The fear is sometimes to much to bear. So is the joy.
 

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I got married at 17 and had a planned pregnancy 6 months later. I think it just depends on how mature your daughter is. My dh and I talked about getting married for almost a year before we got engaged or set a date.<br>
I would never change anything I did. I could care less if I ever got to party or go out or do anything like that. That wasn't and never will be important to me. Having a family was important to me and that's what I did. I didn't see the need to wait until I was "old enough" to have a family. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"><br>
I think you should support your daughter.
 

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I got married at 18, had my DD when I was 19. I don't think I've missed out on anything. I think that's an individual outlook though. I'm content, others may not be.<br><br>
I'm also a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason" and "every BABY happens for a reason".
 

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Every person is ready at their own time. 18 is young but ultimately her choice. I would be freaking out if my daughter said she wanted a baby at 18 too. Heck, I'd freak out if my sister said she wanted to get married and she's the same age right now that I was when I got married. I was ready to marry at 22 she is not.<br><br>
I had a baby urge when I was 18/19. I was living with my then boyfriend who was 26. I wanted to be so grown up and have the whole package. I had just graduated high school and I was a grown up. I wanted a baby. Yet, deep down something stopped me. I wanted a baby but somehting kept saying wait a few more months. After a few months the "I want a baby" feeling went away. I became involved with a job and school. I was very glad that I did not have a baby and I wasn't married. Living with my boyfriend was good enough for me. It turned out to be a very good decision because my boyfriend turned into major <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/censored.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="censored"> after a year or so.<br><br>
I think sometimes young people may be in a hurry to grow up and have the whole package. That's what I wanted. I wanted to be seen as a grown up.<br><br>
Every person is different. If your daughter has *any* feeling of uncertainty she should wait. *Any*
 
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