[Jilian]

I need some advice from you wise GD mamas. My 2 yr old DS has recently stopped listening to me. I have to ask him to do things (or not to touch things) 5 times or more. I can tell that he is deliberately ignoring me sometimes and it is very frustrating. When it is a task I am asking him to do like "Aiden, stay still so I can change your diaper" and he doesn't listen, I'll usually just stop and give him a minute to think about it or give him a few different choices "would you like to stand up or lay down while I change your diaper?" But when he is doing something he is not supposed to and he doesn't listen to me telling him to stop I get pretty angry.

One example would be him touching the plugs. He's facinated with plugs lately, and I've explained over and over again that he is not to touch them and I've told him why, and he knows he's not supposed to touch them, but he still does. A lot. I have plug protectors in all the plugs that are not being used but he pulls them out. He's most facinated with unplugging things. He'll go over to the plug and say "no touch" then pull it out. I keep telling him no, and he ignores me. He does this in several other situations too.

I'm not sure what to do. I get very angry when he purposely ignores me, sometimes I yell. I hate yelling, it just makes me more angry. Sometimes I feel the urge to smack his hand, but I don't. I don't want to hurt him, I just want him to listen to me. Please help me, I feel like I have no more options. I feel like he has no respect for me sometimes.

 

[meemee]

jilian, i never figured out how to keep my dd still while i changed her diaper. i did diversion, song, pantomime, treat, and they all worked a few times but mostly not. i then just went to pull ups and changed her standing up except when she went poo.

if ur son is so curious about plugs - if u have the money - get a bunch of different plugs and extension cords (look for the lead danger label) so he can play with them. put them in a little box or whatever and tell him that is his and not to touch the wall units. hopefully he is just curious about it.

my dd is 2.75 and i have noticed she can be defiant at times doing exactly what i told her to stop. i usually use a lot of humour constantly and she does much better with that.

i also dont say no v. often. sometimes with their focus and hearing at this age they dont hear the dont part but just hears touch. so i would use other words like please dont go near the plugs.

one thing i did with my dd from when she was 6 months old was teach her hot and danger. she v. early on understood 'danger' was nonnegotiable. if i said danger at any time she is not allowed to touch that ever. i did not stop her from doing anything. she could jump on the couch, start the oatmeal in the microwave, use the cd player by herself, but i kept v. strict limits which were safety rules. if she broke them she couldnt do what she wanted to do. i would give her one warning and if she didnt stop she got her privileges taken away. she learnt fast and i havent had a problem yet of not listening.

i get a lot of defiance. if i ask her to help me put her toys away she will either ignore me or say no. i then again use humour to get her to help me. of course she would pick up 2 pieces adn me 20 but at least she would join in.

there are times when i find my dd is fascinated with something. pretty obsessive. then i teach her how to use something safely without hurting herself or breaking something. we did that with the dvd player and vcr.

remember it isnt he doesnt have any respect for u. what he is doing is figuring out his boundaries. what he can do and what he cannot. and he is trying to find out how consistent u r and how much further he can go. it really has nothing to do with respect. thats how we think as adults. in fact he is still involved with himself and teh world revovles around him.

if u find u getting angry move ur self from teh situation and take deep breathes or drink water or just take a short break away from him to let off steam. the more upset he sees u the more he will act up because he doesnt understand why u r behaving the way u are.

and let me warn u. the twos are nothing compared to the 3's. my dd entered her 2's when she was 2 1/2.

but do tell urself this too shall pass.

 

[mamazee]

He's just 2. He doesn't understand how the concept of treating you with respect or disrespect, and he won't be able to keep his hands off things or sit still.

I had to put safety things over plugs that were plugged in that lock over the plugs and outlets.

And patience is the best solution for him not wanting to sit still during a diaper change. My daughter would never sit still. Sometimes it helps to distract her with a special toy she only gets during diaper changes. Actually, the best luck I had as far as that goes was giving her a sheet of bubble wrap to play with. She was facinated. At the end of a diaper change I'd take it away, and then give it back to her at the next diaper change.

He isn't purposely ignoring you or being disrespectful. He's just being a 2-year-old. 2 year olds don't just stop.

Here are a couple of articles you might find helpful:

http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/misunderstand.html
http://www.naturalchild.org/naomi_aldort/toddler.html

 

[Dragonfly]

Like the PP said, this isn't about respect; it's about age.

Chances are he's not going to listen, no matter how many times you say it. He's 2. He's in his own world. He's all about him. He might be testing his boundaries with you or he might just have filtered you into background noise because he's focused on what he's doing. Repeating yourself over and over is going to continue to make you angry and (speaking from experience here), you're likely to get into a situation where the only way you'll feel heard is when you finally yell at him and it shocks him into listening. So then you have a crazy power dynamic going on where no one feels respected.

Instead of repeating yourself and stewing about it, follow your request with action. If he's doing something that's against the rules in your house (though it's always good to question why you have those rules), try first requesting that he stop and, when he doesn't listen, go over to him and physically (but gently) divert him while telling him what the rule is and maybe a short explanation of why (if that works for him). If he's doing something dangerous, you'll probably want to skip step one. You'll probably have to continue to do this for the next 3 years or so, so there's no time like the present to get used to it.

 

[sillymommaX2]

like the other posters said he is just 2. Do you think he is testing the waters with you?

I know one thing that always worked with DD was I would show her how painful it would be if she would touch something that could hurt her. I remember one time she was at my feet while I was cooking. She grabbed onto the stove and I moved her hands than I touched it and OW OW mommy hurt I need kisses...she went to that oven each time pointed and said bad-ow mommy. Never ever touched it again.

You are doing a great job...just be patient with him. He will thank you for not yelling at him. Just remember that yelling doesnt get them anywhere. It just makes matters worse!

 

[Elijah's Mom]

Hi,

In general, I have found that when I understand the developmental aspect of things, I have more patience and humor in dealing with some of these kinds of things. So ... I wanted to add one more thing to what others have said about how this is the time when toddlers are testing boundaries, learning to internalize rules (the beginning of developing a pre-conscience).

In addition to it being a time for boundary testing (and establishing an independent self), two year olds are barely able to control their impulses, evn though they "know" something is "wrong." Thus, you will get the adorable (in my view) paradox: a two year old will point to something he/she knows he/she isn't allowed to do (e.g. play with my computer printer), will say, "no no play" and then ... bamn, do exactly what he knows he isn't allowed to do. What these kinds of moments indicate is that the two year old is struggling to develop impulse control (aren't we all??), struggling to please his parent and at the same time, struggling to get what s/he wants.

Elijah does this all the time ... most often, I find it really adorable and amazing to witness. But when I lose patience (mostly around dropping food all over the floor), I put on my stern voice, say "food belongs on the table, not on the floor" and physically hold Elijah's hand away from the food he is (or is about to) throwing.

Redirection (verbal and with eye contact is best; if that doesn't work, physically) is still the most successful and GD approach for this age.

Becca

 

[famousmockngbrd]

I could have written your post myself.

I know exactly what you are going through. It's true that it is normal 2 yr. old behavior but it's still maddening, at least to me. I got really tired of hearing myself say the same thing 5 times in a row without getting any response.

I agree that it's a good idea to say something one time, if you get no response go over to him and crouch down to his level, touch him on the shoulder, and repeat it. If I still get no response, I make the choice for him, and I tell him so. For instance:

"DS, do you want to wear your sneakers or your sandals?"
No response. I go over to him and repeat the question. No response.
"OK, I'll choose for you - sneakers it is."

Usually, he will suddenly have heard me, lol - and say, "No! I want to wear my sandals!" and run over and put them on.

I debated enforcing the choice I make for him, i.e. making him wear the sneakers. But I decided it wasn't worth the fight. PLus, he always chooses the opposite of what I choose, so if you really want him to wear the sneakers, I suggest you choose the sandals, lol!

Anyway - it has helped a little with the ignoring but it mostly just helped my sanity, and saved my vocal cords, which were on the verge of wearing out prematurely.