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I want completely honest opinions PLEASE!!! Let me just preface this by saying both sides of the family stress me out (in-laws and my family). There is a lot of tension and it's not comforting to be with our families, unfortunately. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><br><br>
So my plan is to give birth and take it soooo easy the next ten days, then both sides can come visit. Each side has to drive two hours to come here, however, I only want them to visit for an hour. And I don't want to play pass the baby. I HATE that! It was a huge problem with my first child's birth. Maybe they can hold the baby for a minute but even that feels like a sacrifice. LOL<br><br>
Then after that visit, I really really really want a babymoom where they don't visit for 3 more weeks or whatever.<br><br>
I feel like I'm being a total jerk but but but.. I'd just like feedback! Or even alternatives would be great, too!
 

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I found this article (including a couple of quotes) very helpful on this issue. Do what you feel is best, never apologize. Remember: you have just this time for birth and post partum, never to be had again. Do it the way you want. My wife followed her instincts and never regretted it. But it can be hard, be strong and have your DH there to protect you.<br><br>
Good luck!!<br><br>
Dh2Carmen<br><br><br>
"A newborn's immune system is very weak, and they don't need a lot of people coming in carrying germs to them. The baby needs days or even weeks to breastfeed and receive the antibodies that mother's milk provides so they can build a strong immune system before they receive visitors. Please do not be offended if the new mother you are associated with asks you not to visit the baby for a few days or weeks. I know that you are eagar to meet your new grandchild if you are one of the grandparents, but you've already waited nine months to see this baby, you can wait a few more days or weeks."<br><br>
"One thing that often irritates new mothers is that when people are allowed to see the new baby, the first thing they do is want to touch the baby. I know, babies are like magnets, it's almost impossible not to tweek that cheek or stroke that hair, or let their little fingers grab yours. That is a biological urge you are feeling, if you are a woman, and it was designed to promote attachment between you and YOUR baby. It is not meant to glue you to some other person's baby, even though you may feel it. Please resist the urge to touch the new baby. Ask the new mother first, and please don't be offended if you are told that they prefer you not touch yet."<br><br><br><br><a href="http://www.unhinderedliving.com/newfamilyguidance.html" target="_blank">http://www.unhinderedliving.com/newfamilyguidance.html</a>
 

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i totally understand your feelings, but if one of my relatives had a baby, and i had to drive 2 hours to see them, and they told me to leave after an hour, i would be hurt and angry. i don't think i would waste my time making a 4 hour round trip for one hour of being allowed to look at a baby and not even get to hold it.<br>
i didn't like to let my dd out of my arms either, but it didn't hurt her to be held and cuddled by her grandparents and aunts and uncles. they love her too.<br><br>
what we did, since the grandparents both needed plenty of time to arrange leave from work, was tell them to plan their visit for about 3 weeks after the due date, since baby would certainly be here by then. you could even say a month, or fudge your due date to buy more time. stagger the visits, because if you are anything like me you will get rather annoyed at having a bunch of people socializing in your house when you are trying to nurse and sleep. maybe the grandparents could stay in town for 2-3 days, in a hotel, and visit with you for an hour at a time, maybe twice a day for meals or something? and you could have a few days in between each set of visitors to decompress. we had dh's parents, brother and fiancee, sister and husband and a family friend all at once. it was overwhelming and annoying.<br><br>
about passing the baby, do you have your sling yet? keep the baby nursing or in the sling, or both to minimize the opportunities for others holding her. also announce poopies frequently. i found those things to be very effective in getting people to not want to hold her.<br><br>
i hope you can find a solution that makes you happy and doesn't bring more tension into your life.<br><br>
happy birthing!
 

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I don't think you're being a jerk at all. Afterall, YOU are the one who carried this child and grew it for almost 10 months. YOU are the one who will be responsible for all of the work that newborns require. I think it is perfectly acceptable that you set the rules in your house and regarding your child. If people want to be offended, that's their problem. We're babymooning for 40 days this time. No one but dh, ds and I after we've settled in. Pictures will have to do this time around! I have got to rest with a nursing toddler and newborn, and don't want to worry about anyone stressing me out. I have relatives like you, very NOT helpful.<br><br>
Having a baby isn't a vacation. You shouldn't have to host people or accomodate them in any way. They should be willing to accomodate YOU! As long as you do what feels right to you you will be fine. I know it gets annoying with people wanting to plan their time on their schedule, but honestly that's rude. They should be willing to relax and let you tell them what you need and when.<br><br>
Just my .02!
 

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Or you could do what we did and move 1200 miles away from your family! LOL But really, that is one less thing to worry about this time around. It is so nice not to have to worry about fighting people off.<br><br>
I totally understand where you are coming from. My first baby, about 5 mins aftre I wsa home from the hospital, my grandma was there. She took my baby, held him the whole time, even when he was crying, and instead of giving him back for me to soothe him, she wanted to be the one to make him happy. It was awful.<br><br>
I think you are going to have to make a plan, then stick with it. Make sure you tell your husband exactly what you want. Mayeb even right it down, so he wont forget.<br><br>
You can always use the excuse, "well my dr. or midwofe told me not to have visitors for x number of days, and not for very long since I am weak and need to rest". Something like that. People always listen if the dr told you so! LOL<br><br>
Last baby my mom happened to be in town on business when baby was born, so she came over the day I got home from hospital, stayed 1 nite, gave my 3 yo lots of special attention, cooked for me, bought a birthday cake, then left the next night. It was nice! But then after she left, I got the next few weeks to my self.<br>
It is definitely worth it to get some family time without visitors. And I doubt anyone could be mad at you for too long when there is a new baby around!
 

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I know how you feel. You have to do what's good for you and teh baby. I had a home birth and didn't want anyone to come visit for the first few days. DH's cousin made a comment to him and said "whta's wrong with your wife? is she in isolation?" He said this b/c his wife wanted to see the baby.... well.... TOO BAD!!!! they thought I was this crazy snob over protective mother. I was hurt by his comment but I got over it and it was the best thing I did. With my second they learned their lesson and didn't even ask if they can come over.<br>
Good luck
 

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I agree with Elphaba. But we don't know your relatives! If they are really awful (abusive) then do whatever you want - letting them come at all is probably more than they deserve. But if they are just annoying then I think your plan sounds a little too harsh.<br><br>
My MIL is a good person but we just rub each other wrong. We both love dh and the kids though so we are nice to each other. She and I are just very different. When our kids were each born, she came and stayed either in a hotel or with us, but only for a couple of days and not until I was ready (dd1 - day after her birth, dd2 - about a week after, dd3 - about a week after).<br><br>
Assuming good health, I would let my friends and family hold baby but feel free to take him/her back when you want! Your baby, your choice/rules. Act like you are in charge and you will be.<br><br>
Good luck!<br>
Kirsten
 

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You have to do what feels right for you. Family relationships are so unique that I really can't comment as to what your obligation is to yours - but it sounds like you know your boundaries well. We did the 40 day babymoon with my last birth and it was great. We just didn't really mention visits to anyone until after that (I'm not sure how or why that worked, but it did and there were no problems). My mom came to help out with my older child and she saw the baby, but didn't really hold her. That was our time.
 

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You are definately not being rude or unreasonable. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br><br>
I personally would love a 30 day babymoon, but I don't see how it would happen without the inlaws (who live half an hour away) getting upset and thinking we are bigger freaks than they already think we are. I don't like tension, lol. I do plan on keeping them away somehow for a couple of days at least. My MIL is very sweet and I like her alot, but she just kind of tends to pop on by around my due date. lol It was so funny with my first dd my water was leaking so we went into the hospital on a saturday evening not knowing if we would be staying or not. They kept me over night and were going to induce me in the morning. After being there a couple of hours there was knock at the door. We were like, wth, we didn't tell anyone we were here. There was MIL. They had been to a movie and driven by to see if we were home and we weren't so they drove by the hospital. It was so funny. She really is sweet and just loves her grandbabies...then with my second she dropped by in the evening of the birthday. She knew I was in labor because she had called earlier, but we hadn't called to announce the birth. She just drops by. That one was kind of annoying.<br>
ANyway, I am hijacking the thread here, sorry...I think my plan this time is to stay in bed for the first two days getting up only to pee or shower. When she comes by, as she invariably will, I think dh will tell her I am resting. She is very much "birth is traumatic and hard, poor poor woman" type attitude so I don't think she will bother me if I am "sleeping". Anyway, we will try to fend her off for a few days. In any case, at least the inlaws are smart about not holding new babies. They never ask to and are pretty good about keeping thier children away.<br>
Good luck to you. I would make a plan and write it down and remind dh alot and then stick to it. My big regret from my last birth was getting back to real life too soon after the birth. Hang on to those precious first days and weeks.
 

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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by Elphaba</i><br><b>i totally understand your feelings, but if one of my relatives had a baby, and i had to drive 2 hours to see them, and they told me to leave after an hour, i would be hurt and angry. i don't think i would waste my time making a 4 hour round trip for one hour of being allowed to look at a baby and not even get to hold it.</b></td>
</tr></table></div>
Elphaba, I'm quoting you because I want to make a point--I have no prob w/ the fact that this is your opinion--<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I just want to point out, SmashingHP, you aren't making anyone do anything--these relatives <b>don't</b> <i>have</i> to drive 2 hours; they can exercise their own free will.<br><br>
And if you tell them an early post-partum visit will last an hour, guess what? THAT'S THE WAY IT IS and if they would prefer a longer visit that might happen a couple months down the road, but not Day 10 or Day 26 or whatever you decide.<br><br>
I think the keys are:<br><br>
-decide what you want as clearly as possible.<br><br>
-let everyone know<br><br>
-follow through<br><br>
-don't let Guilt push you around<br><br><span>Remember, you are not making these post-partum choices for the sole purpose of pissing anyone off; rather, these choices are vital for you to fully enjoy your post-partum.</span> You can feel appropriate guilt for hurtful, malicious behavior inflicted at someone.<br><br>
If I had a relative that invited me into her home 3 days post-partum just to socialize/hang out (but I couldn't visit a post-partum mom without a meal and a brush to clean her toilet for her!!) I would think SHE was crazy.<br><br>
Be clear; I wanted a Babymoon w/ #2, and I got what I planned.......not the whole deal. I wrote "we're on a babymoon--reach us by mail or email" at the bottom of each paper and electronic announcement.<br><br>
Some people thought "it's okay to phone" or bothered us before we were ready--go ahead and tell people 30 days or 40 days or whatever--you're not being a jerk!<br><br>
I guess I'll say 'reach us by email or mail, NO PHONE CALLS' and 'our Babymoon will last 40 days" next time.<br><br>
I'll 'be a jerk' with Baby #3. GOOD for you to set limits and care for your WHOLE little family--new baby, and NEW parents, too.
 
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