[Yooper]

I need some btdt or something to help me with this.....

I have a quick temper. I have my whole life. I can be very patient and under control for a very long time but once I get to the anger stage it happens quick and without warning. I am really feeling bad about this. I have one dd (22 months) and would like to have another but feel my anger is stretched to the limit now and that I am already not able to GD sometimes.

History......

Dd has been subjected to my anger on a somewhat regular basis from birth. I knew imediately after she was born that I had a problem. I have been working on it ever since. I have been using 3 books as my personal self-help guides. "Becoming the Parent You Want to be", "How to Talk to kids.....", and the Sears "Discipline Book" in that order. Every time we have a bad few days I reread them or pertinent chapters to remember why she acts the way she does and how I should be reacting.

Dd is spirited and was a high needs baby. She is just now starting to sleep well enough that I get enough. I spent nearly an entire year in a sleep deprived, ppd state that made it very hard for me to be happy, let alone a good mother. While I have never physically harmed dd I am ashamed to say I have yelled at her and have called her names. The name calling is in the past. I have gotten enough of a handle on it to no longer do it. It has happened maybe once in the last 6 months. The yelling has also significantly decreased. Most of the worst cases were in the middle of the night when she was between 6 and 12 months and would not sleep. Dh travels a great deal and I was alone and very very sleep deprived. I could not take it and lost my cool on several occasions. It happened at least once every time dh went out of town. Since 12 months dd has of course grown into a toddler and along with that has found ways to push my buttons unintentionally. At the 18 month mark, my anger was becoming a problem during the day and I found myself yelling, dd crying, me putting her on the couch so I could regain my cool, and dd resenting me. That is when I got the books and things have changed for the better.

BUT....it still happens and I am not sure what more to do. I am hoping that I am on a path where this will continue to occur less and less often until I am "cured" but I am not sure it works that way. We have had a great two weeks where I have been in control at all times and practicing GD with no problem. Then last night things started to fall apart. As I was putting dd down to bed last night she was resisting. she was laying down but kept fiddling around and talking instead of closing her eyes and attempting to sleep. On a very good night it takes 45 minutes to get her down. After 75 minutes I was getting angry. It was dh's and my anniversary last night and I wanted her to go to sleep so we could celebrate and she just was not cooperating. I finally got angry and out of nowhere I just leaned over to her and hissed "GO TO SLEEP" quite nastily. She did close her eyes and imediately fell asleep. I felt awful. She slept very poorly last night and as a result I am quite tired today. I woke up in a fog. Even last night when she woke I found myself saying sternly "GO TO SLEEP" which seems to work. It was not nasty like at bedtime but certainly not the reaction I would want to get if I were dd and woke because I was scared or uncomfy. So this morning things were going OK. I was tired but handling everything OK. Then she accidently spilled about 4 cups of O's down the heat return. I knew it was a accident. She was being careless and I had reminded her to be careful with them, but she is not even 2 so I know these things happen. I lost it. I yelled at her to go into the living room and stay away from the mess until I could get it cleaned up. She was startled at my overreaction and started crying hard right away. I persisted and told her to go into the living room. I then cleaned up the O's and put them back into the bowl she had them in and very childishly yelled that I was going to put them on the counter and she could not have any more. She was very very upset as she loves her O's. I refused to budge and she kept crying until I finally got it together enough to put a new diaper on her and take us both out for a much needed walk.

I feel horrible about it. I thought about it all through our walk and when we got home I apologozed for it and explained that it was not OK and that I am working to not let it happen anymore. I know she has no clue what I was talking about but I felt it was important.

I am not sure exactly why I am writing this. I guess I want to know if it is OK to occasionally have an outburst like that or if I should be seeking some kind of help. It is getting much better and I hope it will disappear completely but am really scared that I am scarring her for life. I know parents that yell like that each and every day and their kids somehow turn out OK. But dd is very sensitive and she just crumbles when reprimanded even in an appropriate GD way. I am also alarmed (and also relieved) that her temperment is 100% better when we have a good week versus a week when I lose it once or twice. Today's example is definately one of the worst cases.

Are there other recovering yellers out there? are there any good books you can recommend? Would it be a mistake to even think of having another child while at the stage I am at? Will more chaos make it even harder to be mellow?

Thanks for reading.

 

[RedWine]

First of all, I admire your courage. It takes a lot of guts to write out your predicament, and your honesty is a clear indication that you really want to change and are trying very hard to change.

Second, you are not alone. I am a yeller. Though I am positive I yell much less than what is probably considered normal for an American mother, I still do not like how I behave at times and am trying very hard to change. Sometimes I hear myself yelling in spite of myself. I have every intention of trying a GD technique, and I end up yelling instead. I too worry that I have scarred my child for life. I have thought about therapy once a week -- finding the time to do that, not to mention the money, is a huge issue. But perhaps there is something free online? I will research that and post whatever I find in this thread.

I don't know if ocassional outbursts will forever damage a kid. Some kids turn out marvelously well with a healthy sense of self-esteem despite being battered or abused, and others have low self-esteem if their mother gave them a nasty look once in a while. I think temperament has a lot to do with it, it ain't all parenting. However, getting rid of the outbursts certainly can't hurt and in my mind is absolutely necessary. Not only for my kids, but for me . This can't be healthy for anyone.

Please continue your efforts. And I will continue mine. If yuo ever want to pm me for support, please do.

 

[mommamin]

I want to come back to this when I have more time to response.

Hang in there!!

 

[katallen]

I have an anger problem at times, maybe not as much as some moms but enough that it worries me. Here is what I have done to decrease it:
I read a lot of books about child development.
I try to stay away from people who don't understand normal child development.
I use self talk when I find myself thinking a bad thought about my daughter or her actions.
I talk out loud when my daughter does something like spill, I say "that's okay, that happens, even I do that." I say this when I spill or do something else that she does often too and saying this first thing helps me to focus on the fact that I do do these things and I can't get mad at her for not being perfect when I am not perfect. I say it through gritted teeth sometimes, but I relax a lot quicker than if I tell her to be more careful.
I try to avoid telling her to be more careful when she does something like fall or spill or throw things and I am quicker with hugs and cuddles than I am with a reprimand.
I say my feelings instead of holding them in and stewing.
I lay down with her and nap whenever I can.
I also give her a lot of one on one just doing what she wants to do after I have an outburst and I tell her I was wrong to behave that way so she knows that I love her even if I do make mistakes.
I haven't found anything to help with getting grumpy when she can't get to sleep at night. Sometimes I just give up and turn on the light and read if I can tell I will get grumpy very soon, and I let her play with toys next to me. I have noticed that I only care about it if I am very tired myself.

 

[Mommay]

You sound like you're doing your very best to overcome the anger issue. I don't know if I have that much to say, but I want to lend my support and encouragement.

I've had my share of anger management issues, but have fortunately not taken it out on ds. I have been working through my issues, and perhaps I've come to a point that I finally have it under control. I also think it has helped me to have waited til I was 30 to have ds. I was not so ready at twenty something. I can remember being really angry at ds maybe once or twice, but I was just stern. I didn't yell. I think I take my anger out on dh!

Just remember that your dd is totally dependent on you. Even when she seems to be intentionally irking you, she is testing out her boundaries and wanting to have you say she is okay and loved no matter how she acts. Of course she needs to learn that some behaviors are not okay, but that she as a person is always loved and valuable. I get teary eyed just thinking about kids getting yelled at. I was yelled at a lot as a kid, and it really, really, really hurts. It was also a really bad model for my own behavior. It is probably why I was always angry growing up.

I also think that the more you yell, the more reason you have to yell. She probably gets upset by being yelled at, and then acts badly so that you want to yell more. On the flip side, the more you smile and tickle her, the more I think you'll have reason to smile. It's not all roses of course, but I definitely feel that I am enjoying the positive momentum I established in his first few weeks. It's so much easier once the ball gets rolling.

Last but not least, take it easy. It can't be easy taking care of dd while your dh travels. Perhaps you can get help during those times. If I had to do it alone for extended periods of time, I would probably be yelling at ds too. Whatever you do, I wish you the best.

I guess I did have a lot to say.

 

[artgirl]

I think you are doing a great job. You are aware of the problem, you are trying to control it, you are trying to get help from books and here and you APOLOGIZE when you lose it. I have had to apologize to my 2.5 yo on several occasions. My mother was a terrible yeller and I remember feeling that there must be something horribly wrong with me to make her yell like that... but then she never apologized or explained that she was just tired or grouchy or stressed and that it wasn't ME.
I've caught myself holding grudges against my dd.

: Can you believe that? I'll get angry and have a hard time getting over it so then she'll ask for something innocent like a graham cracker and I will want to say "no" to her just because I'm still mad. Talk about childish. She's TWO!!! But being aware makes all the difference. And getting enough sleep, and knowing when you're reaching the end of your rope.
You're a work in progress mama... just keep working toward the goal you want and you'll get there. Be kind to yourself, apologize when neccessary, and give your dd lots of love in between. You sound very insightful to me and you also sound sincere in your desire to be better. You'll do it but you won't be perfect all the time. Your dd will learn a valuable lesson from your perserverance to be a better person/mother.

 

[TortelliniMama]

I'm not a big yeller, but I do have issues with anger at times. Growing up, my parents didn't seem to bother to try and control their anger. If you made them angry (however unintentionally), that was your problem, not theirs. (Of course, it's quite possible that they actually *were* controlling their anger, and what got vented at us was only a fraction of what they were feeling. To a kid, though, it was still very scary.)

When ds and life in general have me at the end of my rope, I've found that it can be helpful to just walk away (taking ds with me). I'll leave the humongous mess that he's created, or the long to-do list, or whatever's eating at me, and I put us both in the car and head, well, anywhere. We might go walk around the mall, or go to Petsmart and look at the cats for adoption and the fish, or we go to the bookstore or the children's museum. The combination of spending a while in the car, which at that point seems like a little break from ds (since he's now in a stage of being content to ride in the car) and then being in a location where there's nothing else demanding my attention (since we're not actually shopping for anything) seems to really help me. If it's late or if I'm really not feeling up to going out, I'll ignore whatever else needs to be done and we curl up with Sesame Street. TV's not a great thing, I know, but I really think it's better than spending the rest of the day with a mom who's at her breaking point.

After our trip out (or when the show's over), then I can clean up much more calmly, because I've got some distance from the original incident. I might end up with stains that are more difficult to get out, or a bill that goes out in the mail a day late, but I've decided that's a small price to pay for not exposing ds to the ugliness that can build up in me.

One other thing: I realized one reason I was having a hard time controlling anger and frustration once it began to build. Like I said earlier, my parents (especially my dad) weren't great models. Part of me, when faced with my own rising frustration, would get very scared, because when I used to see that kind of frustration building up in my dad, it was likely to end with someone being hit or yelled at or insulted or mocked. The fear in me made it harder for me to say, "Okay, I'm angry. That's not the end of the world." I mean, I could say it, and know it intellectually, but deep down, I was afraid of what it would lead to. I finally realized, it doesn't have to lead to anything. I'm not my dad. I've never hit my ds, and I'm not going to. I don't treat him the way I was treated. Even though my dad and I may experience the same kinds of emotions, that doesn't mean I'm making the same choices that he did. When I realized that, it was easier to calm myself down, because I fully realized that it was okay to feel frustrated, and that it didn't mean I was turning into the kind of parent I don't want to be.

Finally, occasionally I find it helpful to pretend a little. I used to teach little kids. I'll sometimes try and look at my interactions with ds as though he's not mine. I ask, "Would I do/say this if he wasn't mine? What would his mother think if she were to walk in on us?" It can be helpful because it helps remind me that being angry *and expressing it in an appropriate way* is okay. I wouldn't expect a caregiver I hired to be completely unaffected by the stresses of daily life with a toddler, and I'm working on not expecting that of myself.

Good luck!

 

[paquerette]

and subscribing so I'll remember to read the rest later. I'm a short-tempered yeller too, and I'm always afraid the older she gets, the worse it'll get.

 

[tsume]

Yooper, I'm not able to read your whole post or the other replies, but I wanted to chime in quickly. I have/had a major anger problem and I have learned what triggers my anger. I had horrible PPD/OCD after ds was born and I thought I had the problem licked when dd was born. That wasn't the case.

Anyway, I found a really great book that has helped me a ton. It's called Overcoming Hurts and Anger Finding Freedom from Negative Emotions by Dwight L. Carlson, MD. You can check it out on amazon and I picked up my copy at the grocery store for under $10. It has a Christian viewpoint (don't know if you are a Christian or not). It's a wonderful book and will help you uncover your anger triggers, express your anger in a condtructive non-harmful way, it's a wonderful tool.

I still have anger challenges, but it's slowly getting better. The book says that says handling your anger positively is like speaking a foreign language; the more you practice the better you get.

 

[Magella]

First, a good book is "When Anger Hurts Your Kids" (I don't remember the authors). It's difficult to read if you're the one with the anger problem, but it's well worth it. I know from experience. Lots of helpful information in here.

A second good book is "Peace Is Every Step" by Thich Nhat Hahn. It won't resonate with everyone, I suppose, but I found it very peaceful and some passages were very helpful with regard to my anger with my kids. Particularly the passage that says something like "When you plant lettuce, you don't blame the lettuce if it fails to grow. You look to see what it needs. Same with the people we love. Blame doesn't help, understanding does. If you understand you can love and things will change." (that is nowhere near a direct quote, but I don't have it on hand now). Another helpful passage is when he says that after giving that example at a talk one day, he went outside to hear a daughter say to her mother "remember, I am your lettuce. Help me grow" (or something close to that). To this day those two quotes get me through the toughest times. They are my lettuce, I can help them grow. Don't blame the lettuce. Find out what it needs.

Quote:

Originally Posted by yoopervegan On a very good night it takes 45 minutes to get her down. After 75 minutes I was getting angry. It was dh's and my anniversary last night and I wanted her to go to sleep so we could celebrate and she just was not cooperating.

This is they type of thinking that really leads to my anger surfacing. In any given situation, if I'm seeing what's going on through my desire to control and have things go my way I'm much more likely to get angry. This is a big point in "When Anger Hurts Your Kids": anger is a secondary emotion-first I'm frustrated because I want to go downstairs to spend time with dh but the kids aren't falling asleep (a nightly occurence here), then I get angry. KWIM? I find it's very helpful to try to be aware of when the problem is really my own expectations. And usually just by noticing that I'm wanting to control how fast my kids go to sleep or whatever, I can see that I'm setting myself up to be angry. Once I got the hang of noticing my own thought patterns, I started finding it much easier to find a solution that worked without getting angry. With the bedtime example, I realized that getting frustrated and willing them to go to sleep wasn't working I was able to try a few things to help them relax and often fall asleep a little faster. KWIM? Doesn't mean I don't want the kids to go to sleep quickly any less, it means I've relaxed enough about it most nights to be more creative and to plan a little better. It means once I realized that my anxiousness and impatience were really working against all of us, I found ways to relax a little.

Another big anger trigger is fear: for example, I'm afraid of what people are thinking when my kids act up in public and that makes me more likely to feel angry. I'm afraid that because my child isn't listening to me or doing what I ask right away, that I'm raising a brat-and that leads to my anger. YK?

Or, I'm overwhelmed with things to do and dh has been working long hours and I'm tired-then I get angry and take it out on the kids. Or I'm angry at dh or someone else, but it comes out at the kids. Sometimes it's hard to be aware of these things, but once I am it's easier to be gentle with my kids.

I found I had to let go of a lot of thought patterns, and I really had to let go of my desire to control so much-I wasn't even aware of it. This is another of the things "When Anger Hurts Your Kids" covers-how your own expectations and thought patterns and assumptions really can lead to your anger without your really being aware of it. I found there's a difference between control and setting limits-and it's my desire to control that gets me in trouble. This is where reading some books about mindfulness came in helpful for me-in learning to pause long enough to become aware of my thoughts and expectations and how they affect my emotional response.

You are very brave and a very good mom to be asking for help. You can do it. It's hard work, and it's hard to do it alone and getting some help might be good, but you can do it.

 

[Greensleeves]

I have been struggling with this lately too. Like some other posters, I came from a background of abuse and I think that makes it harder to react positively sometimes.

I am probably in about the same place you are right now, and my child is just a couple months older. I am so glad you posted about it. I was too chicken.

I've been thinking alot lately after these episodes: what are my needs at that time? Is it a need for control? Is it a need to feel respected? Are my expectations too high for my dd? Am I thinking of outside voices/influences that are telling me I NEED to be in control of her at all times?

I think it's harder right now too because dd is at an age where for everything the answer is 'no'. Everything is a trial all day long: changing diaper, getting dressed, sitting down for lunch, leaving the park, getting in the car, getting up the stairs to our apartment. She challenges me on every part of it and it is getting really tiresome. I feel like my need is that she sticks to our plan so that we can get to where we're going, or get in bed for her nap or for the night. She is so spirited and demanding that I need time away from her to recharge.

It sounds like that is a big issue for you too. I'm sorry that your DH has to be away so much. I wish we all lived in tribes or our extended family helped us like in other cultures.

Oh well, my high spirited one is awake too soon from her nap. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone in working on this, and I think you've gotten some wonderful replies that I will use as well.

 

[Greensleeves]

Cross posted with sledg.

I have seen the recs for Thich Nhat Hahn, I think working on one's own peace is a great first step. Sounds like a good one to check out.

 

[OakBerry]

Oh, I have btdt!
I think you are brave for venting this and a good mama too.
I have anger issues, and they are at their worst during PMS. I have found
myself doing alot of things you mentioned. I remember being mad at him when he was an infant and would wake me up to nurse for the 4th time in 2 hours. The worst thing happened when ds was almost 1. He would freak out every time I had to bundle him up to go out in the cold. I had an appt. so I was trying to hurry and get him ready and out to the freeznig cold car. He wouldn't cooperate and was screaming and fighting me. I walked in the other room and just screamed my frustration so loud! Ds was still in the other room but it frightened him badly. He started crying hysterically and it was hard to calm him down. I felt like a monster. Now that he's so verbal, and wants to do eveything at his own pace, or his own way, I find myself yelling at him and fighting with him waaay too much. Like greensleeves mentioned, he challenges me at every step, dressing, mealtimes, leaving the house etc... It really gets so tiresome. I hate when I yell, and I am trying to stop it. My ds isn't even spirited, so I really feel even worse about losing my temper. I am so glad when dh gets home after work. Like you, I am afraid of having another, I sometimes think it will send me over the edge so to speak. I also had PPD after ds's birth, but I couldn't see it, I only noticed that once ds was 6 months old I said "boy, I feel alot better than I did when he was a newborn, more balanced" Then when he was a year, same thing, and at 2 etc. I finally feel now that I am back to my "old self". It was like coming out of a fog that you didn't really know you were in. If I have another I think I will ask for some medication right off the bat.

My mother was a yeller (screamer actually) and she spanked me and my siblings. She had a bad temper and would lose it totally. I remember her grabbing me by the hair and yanking me across the room. I was probably 12 or 13, and I was so angry and hurt.
I love her and she is a good mom in all other respects, she also denies doing this btw....says she doesn't "remember".

I don't spank ds and neither does dh. He was spanked as a child too. Thanks to this board, I had to show him some articles from here to convince him spanking is WRONG!

Anyway, I try to not to yell. I try to think of how I'll regret it later when I gear up to start yelling. I think of how ridiculous I must appear when I am yelling at my ds for no other reason than he "won't do what I want". I will go in another room and do deep breathing (what a great thing that is) for a minute. I try, try try to let him do things at his own pace.

My ds is very sensitive, so I've realized that trying to hurry him, or yelling at him just makes the situation worse. If we are in a hurry, it's better to let him go at his pace and be a tad late than yell at him, he gets upset, we both feel bad, I have to comfort him and apologize befrore he is ready to function again. So the time wasted yelling is equal to the time spent doing it at his pace to begin with. I think the fact that I am very impatient has always been a problem. Ds has taught me alot about patience, but I still need alot more work, imo!
I think you have gotten alot of good advice and I am taking notes as well.
Hugs mama!

 

[Yooper]

Thanks you so much for all of the replies, advice, and book suggestions!!!!! And thanks for not jumping all over me....I am sure it is hard to read what I wrote for some of you. It sure is hard forme to read. I am running out the door but wanted to let you all know I am reading and am thankful. There has been so much good advice....I think I am going to have to make flashcards from this thread.

Yooper

 

[loraxc]

I'm really glad this thread was started. I have anger issues too. I do pretty well with controlling it 90% of the time, but the other 10%...sigh, not so good. The weird thing is that my DD is not fazed at all if I yell. I don't know if that's good or bad. She isn't very sensitive that way.

Things that help me--I actually made a list once:

Going outside or getting out of the house
Turning on a video (I'm not big on videos but this is a defuser for me)
Bach Rescue Remedy
Changing the tone of my voice or doing something silly--this only is possible when I'm starting to be annoyed, not when really angry, but it works!
Calling someone on the phone

I also use the "Would I be okay with someone else talking this way to my child?" check. Surprisingly, sometimes I find that I would be, because it isn't that what I have done is really "bad." It's the feelings inside me and the internal talk that are horrifying. Not that that is good, but it helps me feel less guilty.

Please know that it's not just you. I have been so upset at times by the depth of my anger, even though I do not really "take it out." I have childhood issues too. I think I need some of the books.

 

[newmainer]

I was really surprised at my temper and anger when I had my daughter. I never thought of myself as being an angry person, so it took me by surprise. a couple of things that i have been working on that others haven't mentions (or maybe phrased differently).

- Letting go. if i feel myself getting frustrated, then I try and step back and think, how important is this? For example, spilling water on the floor, or not letting me change her diaper when i need to (if we are at home, not out and about) etc... 9 times out of 10, it's a minor thing in the grand scheme of things. I've had to let go of my need for control and have things happen on my schedule. I mean, sometimes it does need to, but by letting go lots of the little stuff I save myself a lof of anger.

- along with that, my LLL leader says this, "if it isnt' morally or physically threatening or unsafe, it doesn't matter." this has really helped me.

- I remind myself of her age. I have found myself just really expecting too much of dd. she is super verbal for her age and my expectations get a bit out of whack. Remembering that she is still little allows me to just give her room to be and make mistakes.

- counting, breathing, distracting...

good luck mama, it's a hard one. major kudos for recognizing your challenges and working through them.

 

[BelovedK]

I lost it with my son the other day and felt awful...He is a challenging child.

I yelled and he ran from me , i went and got him and dragged him out of the door (we were late for a therapy appt for him) He called me every nasty name i can thing of , every curse word ive ever heard came out of that childs mouth. I yelled so much that day that my throat became sore and it scared my 5yo DD in the back seat

I'm usually very calm with him, i try not to 'go there' with him when he has an episode but sometimes it just bursts through like a raging river.

I'm ashamed of myself and thought of posting and thought better of it, your courage helped me let out my own indiscretion.

I think we could all use help with our anger issues, too bad therapy is so expensive.

Blessings~K~

 

[Greensleeves]

Hi,
Just wanted to check back in with you.........
I can't remember if this book has been mentioned in this thread or not.......I am currently reading, "Kids, Parents and Power Struggles" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. (Found at the library.) I think she has a lot of good strategies that can help parents get a handle on their anger. She talks about identifying your own underlying needs and feelings, helping children identify theirs; stopping your own anger before you act; seeing what your most vulnerable times are; what to do when parents and kids have different temperaments, energy level and needs; setting standards and boundaries. And more. I think this is also recommended in the sticky at the top of the board.

Anyway, I have been working my way through parts of the book and it has already helped me keep my cool today. For example she talks about getting your brain out of the "fight or flight" status when you become angry--says even just taking a pause helps, and it does! I paused a few times today and thought about what I was doing, let go of having to control........

I also need to pick up, "Playful Parenting" again and actually finish it this time.

I've read just enough of it to know why it is good to use these techniques with kids, but not really all the specifics of how....

I hope you'll check back in, hope you're doing okay today too.

 

[BelovedK]

Ever since that last episode , things have been unbelievably good(i don't know if that is good or bad) DS has been ultra helpfull and will do anything i suggest, i think he might be feeling worried and guilty

I think i have that book, maybe i will give it a re read..usually i have a handle on things, but anger can hang out under the surface for a long time like lava waiting to spew

 

[Fuamami]

There has been some great advice posted here, and I just wanted to add one thing.

I'm also someone with what I would consider a short fuse, and I grew up in an "angry" family. It was always the one emotion that was acceptable to display, and it was displayed in spades. So I was worried when I had kids that I would fall into the same trap. I relied on something I remembered from a Sociology class about family violence that I had taken. It was talking about how men who beat their wives often are sent to anger management, but often they didn't really have a problem managing their anger. After all, they weren't losing their temper and beating up their boss, their friends, people at the grocery store. (Though there were some like that.) But mostly, it was just that these men felt it was acceptable to "lose your temper" and take it out on the woman in your life.

Now, please don't think I'm comparing you to a wife-beater at all, but I think that it's kind of the same principle for me. That is, I have had to make losing my temper with my children completely unallowable. This is also why I knew I absolutely could not use any sort of physical disciplline with my kids either, it'd be waaay too easy to lose it.

I don't want to sound like I'm trivializing this problem at all, but I think it's a bad habit. Bad habits can still be totally destructive and unhealthy, right? I mean, I think it takes lots and lots of practice and perseverance to break the habit, and start reacting in a different way. Like most major emotional/behavioral changes, I guess. But it sounds like you're taking it on.

Good luck, I know it's a tough, tough battle, and I can relate to how much harder it is made by being the only parent home.