[dreadmama]

Well, my baby turned 2 on Monday, and her dad actually made it (late) to her b-day party! This is the 4th time she's seen him since she turned 4 months old. The first 2 times the visit lasted between 5 and 15 minutes. However now they have spoken on the phone a few times, and she is starting to ask to talk to daddy. If it isn't 6am and we have time, I'll call him... although we usually get his voice mail. Often he'll call and want to talk to her but she runs screaming and doesn't want to talk on the phone.

Anyway, I'm sad because it is starting already. He is going to break her sweet little heart. We are not yet divorced (he defaulted) so we have no court orders specifying his visitation or contact with her. But I feel like they have the right to build a relationship. On the other hand, I know how unstable he is, and he has already said things to her that I don't approve of (like "I'd like to see you more, but they are keeping you from me")!

This is getting so complicated already. At her birthday party she didn't want him to hold her, or do much with her except catch her on the slide, and help climb the play structure. But now she talks about the cards he gave her (actually from my father in law but delivered by her dad) and the little present he gave her.

Ahhh, this is getting long, and you get the idea. I guess I'm just sad because there is no good solution here.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest!

Peace,

Karen

 

[mocha09]

Wow. What a situation.

(As usual) I have no wisdom here.

Listening and supporting, though!

 

[L.J.]

I think the hardest thing I've had to do so far as a single mom has been to let go of the relationship between my kids & their dad and let it be whatever it is going to be.

I know my ex will let them down. I know they will get hurt. I know that this is not going to be easy for them (and hasn't been already) but I also know there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I have determined that I need to step back when it comes to their relationship, let go of any fantasies or ideas I have etc. The only real thing I can do is be the best darn mom possible. I need to be a constant force of love & support in their lives and hopefully, when they are hurt or let down, I can help them through it by loving & supporting them. I can't stop them from getting hurt, I can only be there to help them through it.

It sucks. There's not much more to it than that!

 

[MamaChris]

This is a tough one for me. I've been trying so hard to figure out a way to protect my 18 month old from his dad's particular personality disorder. He's a total narcissist. He only wants to be around his son when he is happy and giving him adoration. And then only when it's convenient to come around. Already my son adores his dad and gets hurt when he doesnt come around. And of cours the *hithead blames it on my already. Even though I actually want my son to have a relationship with his dad. Just a healthy one.

I just can't accept that I cant' protect my son from being heartbroken!

sigh

wish I had some wise words of wisdom for this one, but I'm obviously strugglin with it myself

blessings to all you mamas,
Chris

 

[dreadmama]

Update: a few days ago my daughter asked to call Daddy before going to bed. She was nursing. I asked her, "did you say you want to call daddy?" she says "yeah" and hops down and trots over to the phone. We call him and leave a cute message.

A couple of days later he calls, and doesn't mention the phone call. I ask him about it and he says that he got it, didn't really listen to it. I told him that it is going to hurt her feelings if he doesn't return her phone calls right away... that if he had been the one to call us and we didn't return the call right away, he'd call back like 50 times! He said he'd try.

UGH!

This morning he calls in one of those depressed moods and mentions our anniversary (he proposed to me while we were celebrating the 4th of July in 2000) He began accusing me of neglecting him in our marriage (because I didn't quit my job and live in squaller because he was unemployed at the time!)... the age old fight.

I can't believe I let him push my buttons again... I began to defend myself and raised my voice a bit. When he accused me of stealing our daughter, I responded by reminding him that he had threatened to kill her (after trying to kill me via strangulation) and that I left about 1 hour later! So he denies it, hangs up, and then begins his phone call harrassment campaign! At one point he said "You think that was trying to kill her! I'll show you trying to kill her!" and hung up. When I called back I told him calmly that no matter how angry he is, there is NO excuse for saying and threatening such horrible things, and that it shows how sick and unfit he is to be around us.

UGH! Sorry, I just needed to vent about his lunacy.

Karen

 

[Satori]

Just my not so humble opinion, you need to get a restraining order and make him jump though hoops if he wants to see her. People always think its so sad that my dd's father is not in her life but I consider it a blessing! You don't get to be a parent when its convenient, My dad was like that and I refuse to but my child though that kinda heartbreak. Its been nearly 5 years since I've seen her father and I'll be filing for termination of parental rights based on abandonment probably early next year because I will not risk this kinda garbage from him. He did it to his other child and it was so sad to hear the kid crying on the phone that he wanted to see his daddy but daddy was "busy".

 

[mealymama]

I'm the biggest advocate of a father's right to be involved with childraising, and a child's right to have a good relationship w/ Daddy even if Mom & Dad can't stand eachother.
That said, run from that scary jerk as fast as you can... anyone who would threaten his child's life, even just as a scare tactic to horrify mom, obviously doesn't get that she's a human being and not a pawn for psychological warfare. And that's at best! At worst he would actually hurt her/you.
PFA, Mama! PFA!

 

[mocha09]

Yep, I agree with Satori at this point. It's so sad, but sometimes no father is better than an abusive one.

 

[mammastar]

He said WHAT???!!!

I'm all for promoting kids' relationships with their dads, but this sounds dangerous! Please be careful. I don't know the history of your relationship - was it abusive? Even if not, this gives me major alarm bells. At the very least, I would suggest gently diverting your daughter when she wants to call him. She's only 2, and she's not going to press the issue. Meanwhile it sounds like increased daughter-dad contact is giving him an 'in' for unfinished business with you, possibly in a way that could be dangerous for her. Your impulses have been to be generous, which is admirable, but I think you really need to be cautious.