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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So here's my big confession. You know the line that goes something like ".....I love my kid just as he is and I wouldn't want to change him...." - I'm NEVER going to be able to recite that line and be telling the truth. My line goes a bit like "....I love my kid, I love who he is and I love him unconditionally. So, I would give anything for him to not have to struggle and cry and experience such fear, pain and frustration at such a young age. I don't want ANY of much children to experience these things, but it's not fair that his life is so much more difficult. I would absolutely change the things about him that make his life so hard."<br><br>
And to be totally honest, it's hard parenting a kid like this. He's angry, he's explosive, and he has absolutely no regulatory ability. We can't have play dates, go to the library or out to eat. I can't do anything spontaneous, even the smallest event requires hours of planning, and even snacktime is an emotionally draining event for us both. He doesn't deserve this, and I daily doubt my ability as his mom to give him what he needs to succeed.
 

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I know you don't see it now but 2 years old was a lot different for us than 5 is. It is still difficult but I see more of him now. We have also worked through some things and in the last year have actually been able to eat a few meals out with him. Your child will not be 2 forever.<br><br>
It takes a lot more work but you will learn what he needs and how to deal with him. For me it took a lot of letting go of a lot of thoughts I had in my head of how things are supposed to be.
 

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I know how you feel, whe you say you cannot go out to the library, or to eat. We dont go out to eat with Caleb because he just roars at everyone, and it usually ends up with nasty comments thrown our way. Going out also takes a lot of planning. (hugs) I hope things get better for you in coming months. Its really hard, but I try not to feel too badly about it, because my son has only known this, and doesnt know what "normal" is. To him, he is normal, and thats fine for now. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> hes still little, and has plenty of time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
True, Mark knows his reality as his normal. And I don't debate that or try to remove that from him. But how can I be willing to accept a normal for him that is so difficult, so angry and disappointing? Doesn't he deserve a happy childhood? Why can't I say that I wish he didn't need to spend 90% of his day seeking sensory input, and only truly enjoying himself a small fraction of the time he's awake? His peers are happy kids, it's so painful to watch him struggle just to play outside for 30 minutes, and when he cries for most of that time, I KNOW he's not truly enjoying himself.<br><br>
I know he won't be 2 forever, and that part of this is a function of his age and his needs combined. It's still not easy to parent this, or to watch him be so unhappy.
 

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*sigh* it is really hard. What are some of the things that he really loves to do? And just let him spend his days doing that? Does he like a particular animal, or to color, or maye even playdough? He can spend a good hour a day doing something like that, that he loves? :/ Im just trying to help...<br><br>
My kiddo is strange, some days he wants to go out, others he FLIPS. on those days, I let him settle with a favorite movie, that he can enjoy alone like he likes... maybe something like that?
 

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I feel a lot like you do. I adore my child, I love her with all of my heart and I accept (and appreciate and respect) her as she is. But, like you, I would take away some of the difficulty she faces if I could. She deserves to be happy, to be able to play and have fun, to feel okay in her skin, to not be worried and angry much of the time.<br><br><br>
I also want to say that hopefully time will help a lot. Ages 2 to 3.5 were our hardest years. 4 and 5 are hard, too, but she is able to cope much better now, plus I understand her needs better so I can anticipate what she needs (we've had a terrible week so today it's hard to admit that she's doing better than she did at 2 or 3 <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">).<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I do know it is really hard to see. Ds2 had bite marks on his face for a good 6 months straight at one point and we couldn't leave them alone together for even 30 seconds for a good year. That is how angry and violent ds1 was. Now they are learning to play together. We stopped doing things ds1 hated. If he can't handle it, we don't do it. We have only been to story time once and we never heard the story. We made it in a movie theater for 5 minutes once and won't try again for a long time. Our lives are different than most peoples. I sure would love for him to have an easier time in the world. Not if it would change who he is though.<br><br><br>
Maybe I should give background on myself though. I grew up with physical disibilities since birth. I have had numerous surgeries and years of braces and therapy. I couldn't walk unassisted until I was about 4. I have mild spd and possibly asperger's. I would not change anything about myself and think I had a good childhood. My bil has some pretty severe issues. He is probably autistic and never was given the correct help in life. He has a few psych labels though. he is on ssi and needs a little help to even live on his own. He is however a happy person though. He just lives his life differently than most others.
 

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Toddlers are so difficult! But, maybe he will have a different view than you have when he is older. Maybe he will enjoy spending so much time sensory seeking--many people do. Maybe he won't want a typical "happy childhood."
 

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omg...i so resonate with your post.<br><br>
while i love my nine-year-old...she's SO freaking miserable that it makes everyone around her want to shut down.<br><br>
i refuse to keep her at home if she wants to go out...but i hate it when strangers walk up and tell me she "needs her ass beat", as if that's an answer for a child with sensory issues. or when they comment that she doesn't listen...DUH, she's freaking deaf!<br><br>
i want to ENJOY my kid...and i want her HAPPY. it breaks my heart when she can't shut out all the extra stuff and needs to go home to sleep. i hate it that people find her so easy to pick on...and that there's no magic "fix-it".<br><br>
i understand...we're supposed to love them as they are. and yes, we do...but i can't help but wish it were easier on her.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I totally understand where you're coming from.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">My line goes a bit like "....I love my kid, I love who he is and I love him unconditionally. So, I would give anything for him to not have to struggle and cry and experience such fear, pain and frustration at such a young age. I don't want ANY of much children to experience these things, but it's not fair that his life is so much more difficult. I would absolutely change the things about him that make his life so hard."</td>
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No parent wants their child to suffer or have a diffuclt life. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. Acceptance of your child's special needs takes a bit of time. The fact you love her for who she is makes you a good mom. Do not beat yourself up for how you feel. As time goes by, your feelings will change. Take things one day at a time.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">And to be totally honest, it's hard parenting a kid like this. He's angry, he's explosive, and he has absolutely no regulatory ability. We can't have play dates, go to the library or out to eat. I can't do anything spontaneous, even the smallest event requires hours of planning, and even snacktime is an emotionally draining event for us both. He doesn't deserve this, and I daily doubt my ability as his mom to give him what he needs to succeed.</td>
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As said before, 2 is WAY harder than 5. 2 is harder than 3. In just 1 year, things have gotten better as I have gotten more in tune with DD. As time goes by, it gets better and you adapt more. You will be able to figure things out and they grow out of the difficult toddler stage.<br><br>
Over time, you will figure out what he needs. It is a learn as you go process. Truth be told, it is hit or miss. But as you go, you will know when you have hit or missed. You have to take things one day at a time.<br><br>
I have said this before in other posts. AP is more than just baby wearing, cloth diapering, breastfeeding, and co-sleeping. It is about creating a bond with your child to the point where you can figure out and meet their needs so that they are able to grow up to become balanced, happy adults.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Please know that I completely relate. You are not the only one who has and does feel this way. I have been there. There are times that I am there. Please keep venting. It is perfectly OK to feel the way you do. It does not make you a bad mom. It helps me and many others here know that we are not alone.
 

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Dh and I talk about this a lot. We call it the "magic fairy" thoughts. You know, if a magic fairy came and we could choose one thing we'd change about dd's SN, what would it be. And the thing is, I love dd to pieces, love her with all my heart . . . but if I could choose to take away something, I'd have not a single problem with telling the magic fairy to please take all her medical problems and throw them in the nearest magic fairy composting pile!<br><br>
We actually have lots of conversations about this, because the truth is that her blindness is a more obvious disability, and has more significant impact on her daily life. But, I can accept the blindness. I can deal with it. I don't think dd feels bad about being blind. But the medical disability stuff? That's stuff I can't accept. I'll fight for her, and I'll be sure she gets all the right treatments and medications and surgeries, but I'd take it away in a heartbeat if I could.
 

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I wish I could give you a real hug. My sensitive, OE, daughter with allergies and LD's (also a climber) is now 20. She still can't stand the sound of hands rubbing together (it's amazing how many people do that all the time) especially her father's! The sight of my fidgeting is pretty bad, too. I could go on...<br><br>
However, she is the light of my life! Her capacity for empathy is amazing. She has been the counselor for her friends since she was about 10. (She says she walks around with a leather sofa trailing behind her!)<br><br>
The good news for you is that I never heard the words "Sensory Integration" until she was about 10. So there was no early intervention, no help from anyone...just all those people looking at me and wondering why I couldn't control my children. Late intervention did help a lot, but I really believe the unconditional love and respect for her as a person, while doing my best to be consistent <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: was more important. Once you can talk with them about their "differences", it makes a huge difference.<br>
Gotta' run. Hang in there. Life does get easier.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Two was soooooo hard for my dd and for me too. Now she's 4.5, and we still struggle, but nowhere near as much or as passionately as we did then.<br><br>
But still, <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">. I understand the "unconditional love but still wishing that things were easier" thing. I'm there too.
 

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I accept my sons' special needs. I've adapted, I've changed, and I've come to find a different sort of peace and happiness. That being said, I'd change them in a second. They did and do deserve more than they got.<br><br>
I feel no guilt in saying that. I <b>would</b> change them in a second. It doesn't meant I love them less for what they are/were, but it does mean that I <span style="text-decoration:underline;">know</span> they'd be happier as healthy kids rather than SN kids.<br><br>
It is what it is. Don't try to conform to what you think you should feel as a SN mom...eventual acceptance (or "peace" or whatever you want to call it) doesn't have to mean saying "I wouldn't change him." <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> If that's the way you feel, embrace it and move on. There's no need to confess in a guilty way, because there's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling the way you do.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I feel no guilt in saying that. I would change them in a second. It doesn't meant I love them less for what they are/were, but it does mean that I know they'd be happier as healthy kids rather than SN kids.</td>
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I feel this way too. I have said that here before but I got the very distinct feeling I was the minority with that feeling. Which is fine. We are all different in our feelings. I love my son, but I would change things if I could. Shoot, I would change things about my NT child and I am sure my mom would have changed things about me too. I don't love my son any less. I actually have a kind of love for him that I never knew existed. But if I could make him more comfortable in his skin I would.<br><br>
Hang in there Bethany. I find that I am on a rollercoaster with this journey. Some up days and some downs.
 

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I've been thinking about this ever since I read it last night.<br><br>
And I still have nothing to add except <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nod.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nod"> and <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mamaverdi</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9828683"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I've been thinking about this ever since I read it last night.<br><br>
And I still have nothing to add except <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nod.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nod"> and <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"></div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
There are moms out there who don't think this???
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
It means great deal to me to know I'm not alone feeling that my son deserves different, and to know that I'm not alone in saying I'd change the things about him that make his life so hard. I've felt very much like I couldn't rightly say there here without retribution. I do accept that he has needs that are just not goiing to change, but that exact act of acceptance is what's totally worn me out recently. The strict daily routine/structuring, planning every detail to promote greatest success, evaluating his behaviors.....I've decided recently that I'm taking weekends "off". We'll play together, use the visual schedule for daily routines and whatnot but I'm not going to actively push floortime, restrict tv viewing or try to keep everything perfect on Saturday and Sunday. He needs time to just BE, and so do I.<br><br>
He's always happy when watching tv, so I let him watch lots of tv. This stresses me out, b/c I have really serious opinions about television in general, and my kids are all watching waaaay more than I feel appropriate. I'm not sure what to do about it, perhaps schedule tv viewing in his daily routine, but it's one of the things that calms him when he's tantrumming, which happens randomly throughout the day.<br><br>
I'm also seeing myself in public situations with him and realizing how much harder it is for him in social environments where other adults have expectations that he doesn't understand. I want to help these adults understand WHY his behaviors are different, and why HE is different, but I'm not doing it well, b/c they still look at me as if I have three heads.<br><br>
I'm still looking for the magic wand.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>RedOakMomma</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9826904"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I accept my sons' special needs. I've adapted, I've changed, and I've come to find a different sort of peace and happiness. That being said, I'd change them in a second. They did and do deserve more than they got.<br><br>
I feel no guilt in saying that. I <b>would</b> change them in a second. It doesn't meant I love them less for what they are/were, but it does mean that I <span style="text-decoration:underline;">know</span> they'd be happier as healthy kids rather than SN kids.<br><br>
It is what it is. Don't try to conform to what you think you should feel as a SN mom...eventual acceptance (or "peace" or whatever you want to call it) doesn't have to mean saying "I wouldn't change him." <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> If that's the way you feel, embrace it and move on. There's no need to confess in a guilty way, because there's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling the way you do.</div>
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this is so well said! i feel exactly the same way.
 
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