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my bil is a real pain in the butt

1345 Views 29 Replies 18 Participants Last post by  Finch, 
S
I'm not sure if this is the right forum to rant in about IL's! My ds is almost 16 months. Everytime we go to visit my BIL, he starts talking to me about how to deal with my DS. DS is not a problem child or anything, by my BIL just loves going on and on and on about how to raise him - or rather - how I should raise him. After a visit this past weekend, I got really ticked. You know what he told me!!!! He was explaining to me how you have to allow your child to get hurt in a controlled environment. He says "next time that DS is curious about a candle, let him touch it. There will be crying, and you will have to sooth him, but he will then learn the dangers of fire and HOT" I am really sick and tired of him trying to tell me how to deal with DS. I'm not going to allow my child to get burned just to try and show him what hot means - I think that is abuse and if I let DS stay with him and he did anything like that, I really believe I would have him charged!! At the start of the weekend he was going on about letting DS climb the stairs on his own. I told him that I was not going to allow him to climb alone. He says to me "wellllllll, if he falls only a few steps then he won't get that hurt, but he'll learn". I just wanted to vent here because I am so bloody annoyed!!! Next time this conversation comes up, I will tell him to please respect MY parenting style and leave it at that. This man is in his late 40's, in bad health and a die hard smoker. He has a special needs DS (that he adopted with his partner 20 years ago). The one time I mentioned to him that he should take better care of himself because he has a son that is dependant on him, he flat out told me that his health was something that he was working on and didn't want to hear my opinions, and I will be damn sure to bring that point up - I don't tell him how to raise his child, he should butt outta my beez-wax!!!
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A
Quote:

Originally Posted by snugg_bug
he flat out told me that his health was something that he was working on and didn't want to hear my opinions
"When it comes to raising my child, that is something I am working on and I don't want to hear YOUR opinions."
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T
Maybe the next time he starts in on you, you should burn him with a candle. Then he'll learn the dangers of being obnoxious to you.
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4evermom
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Originally Posted by TortelliniMama
Maybe the next time he starts in on you, you should burn him with a candle. Then he'll learn the dangers of being obnoxious to you.

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B
Hmm my daughter burned herself on an iron (total accident) and I saw some pretty nightmarish burns at Shriner's Children's Hospital. Kids have to get skin grafts all the time from things like hot water, irons, soup, etc . . . a warm iron that touched my daughter's skin for a few seconds was enough to burn away even her nerves. I agree, you BIL is a moron.
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F
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Oh man I feel your pain. My best friend's husband is somewhat...well....rough around the edges, shall we say? He is ALWAYS saying crap like that. Last time we visited them, he wanted to feed ds something (my ds has a feeding disorder, it's sensory-based, you have to be careful how and what you feed him) and I told him not to. He said, "oh just shove it in his mouth and he'll eat it." I said "I'm telling you, he won't. He'll freak." I turned my back for a second and he SHOVED A BITE OF THE FOOD IN DS'S MOUTH.
When ds proceeded to freak and cry and almost choke, he says, "huh....guess he won't eat it." I just glared at him and comforted ds and scooped the food out of his mouth and said, "yes I told you that."
:

Jerk. Never in my life have I wanted to strangle somebody so much as right at that moment.
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geek_the_girl
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Greenie
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Quote:

Originally Posted by Finch
Oh man I feel your pain. My best friend's husband is somewhat...well....rough around the edges, shall we say? He is ALWAYS saying crap like that. Last time we visited them, he wanted to feed ds something (my ds has a feeding disorder, it's sensory-based, you have to be careful how and what you feed him) and I told him not to. He said, "oh just shove it in his mouth and he'll eat it." I said "I'm telling you, he won't. He'll freak." I turned my back for a second and he SHOVED A BITE OF THE FOOD IN DS'S MOUTH.
When ds proceeded to freak and cry and almost choke, he says, "huh....guess he won't eat it." I just glared at him and comforted ds and scooped the food out of his mouth and said, "yes I told you that."
:

Jerk. Never in my life have I wanted to strangle somebody so much as right at that moment.
I would have. I would have taken the food out of the poor boy's mouth and flung it right at his head.
:

But, to the OP.. Go on. Burn him. I double dog dare ya'!
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R
My Dd has never burnt herself, but she knows the meaning of hot. Anyway, according to your BIL's logic, maybe we should run over one of our children's feet so they learn the danger or cars. Maybe we should have a dog nip our child so they know that dogs can hurt them.

If it were me, I'd just politely tell my BIL that I'd rather he keep his parenting advice to himself.
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B
As one who also has a problematic bil, I feel your pain. If he mentions the candle thing again, maybe you could ask him to show you how safe being burned by a candle is--have him put *his* hand in one. See how long he lasts
(I've used this in response to many punitive suggestions).
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flapjack
The point is that children may be curious about candles, but that doesn't mean touching them: fear of fire is instinctual, born of watching adults treat it with respect. Buy him a copy of the continuum concept, and yourself a pack of earplugs.
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2
Quote:

Originally Posted by Finch
Oh man I feel your pain. My best friend's husband is somewhat...well....rough around the edges, shall we say? He is ALWAYS saying crap like that. Last time we visited them, he wanted to feed ds something (my ds has a feeding disorder, it's sensory-based, you have to be careful how and what you feed him) and I told him not to. He said, "oh just shove it in his mouth and he'll eat it." I said "I'm telling you, he won't. He'll freak." I turned my back for a second and he SHOVED A BITE OF THE FOOD IN DS'S MOUTH.
When ds proceeded to freak and cry and almost choke, he says, "huh....guess he won't eat it." I just glared at him and comforted ds and scooped the food out of his mouth and said, "yes I told you that."
:

Jerk. Never in my life have I wanted to strangle somebody so much as right at that moment.
OMG! I would have kicked his butt! I think that someone taking the position that they can rightly start shoving stuff in your kids mouth needs a good swing upside the head! Before my DIL suggested the candle, the day before, he chewed on a piece of gum and then tryed to shove THAT in my babies mouth "here, here" he says, "want to taste some gum?" I lurched between my DS and the gum and flat out told him "I don't think so" he asks "why, just give him a taste". "Because" I said, "that's grose"...he got really offended "oh well maybe next time I ought to disinfect it with bleach first!". I said to him, you gotta be kinding me, you're offended by that comment? Like he would let someone stick something in his son's mouth. I tell you, there is something wrong with these people. They try to take charge and change things and then if it goes their way they feel like they've accomplished something and like to give themselves a pat on the back! If he tries something with DS again, I will be giving him a foot in the arse!
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sapphire_chan
When my little cousin was curious about candles, her mom held her up above the candle where she couldn't touch the candle, but she could stick her hand out and feel the warmth of the flame. She also let her touch an unlit candle.

My little cousin, however, is pretty good about not messing with stuff once her curiousity's been satisfied.

Actually, the other day me and her mom were doing some baking together at my house, and she was wandering around exploring things. She's sort of in between crusing and walking (she can walk fine, but still thinks she needs to lean her body to move her legs so she'll fall over, so she likes to hold onto stuff) and she walked herself around to where she was staring into the front of the oven with her hands on the surface (I know from experience that it's not burning hot, just quite warm during baking). Now, she seems to have inherited her mom's tolerance for heat, because she stood there for a good couple of minutes utterly fascinated. Then she got this, "wait a minute..." look on her face as she decided that while it had been fine before, she didn't like it anymore and she had just realized that she'd positioned herself in a way that made her stuck, and started fussing. Her mom promptly scooped her up (elasped time, about 2 seconds). Next trip around the kitchen when she got to the oven, she balanced herself to touch the oven rather than leaning on the oven.(With both of us adults watching to be ready to move her before she felt too warm.)
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Quote:

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan
When my little cousin was curious about candles, her mom held her up above the candle where she couldn't touch the candle, but she could stick her hand out and feel the warmth of the flame. She also let her touch an unlit candle.

My little cousin, however, is pretty good about not messing with stuff once her curiousity's been satisfied.

Actually, the other day me and her mom were doing some baking together at my house, and she was wandering around exploring things. She's sort of in between crusing and walking (she can walk fine, but still thinks she needs to lean her body to move her legs so she'll fall over, so she likes to hold onto stuff) and she walked herself around to where she was staring into the front of the oven with her hands on the surface (I know from experience that it's not burning hot, just quite warm during baking). Now, she seems to have inherited her mom's tolerance for heat, because she stood there for a good couple of minutes utterly fascinated. Then she got this, "wait a minute..." look on her face as she decided that while it had been fine before, she didn't like it anymore and she had just realized that she'd positioned herself in a way that made her stuck, and started fussing. Her mom promptly scooped her up (elasped time, about 2 seconds). Next trip around the kitchen when she got to the oven, she balanced herself to touch the oven rather than leaning on the oven.(With both of us adults watching to be ready to move her before she felt too warm.)
I don't have a problem with this as this line of thinking is still keeping the childs best interest of no physical harm. DS has also touched the oven while I was baking. I kept reiterating to him that it was hot, when he approached it and that seemed to make it more interesting to him (ahhhhhh children
). Anyways, he too put his hands on it and looked at me as to wait and see if I was going to snatch him away...I just smiled at him and asked "it's hot, isin't it?" He smiled back, let go and took off babbling and seemed content with that experience. He has not done it since. I know that when you tell a child No, it makes them want it even more, so I've stopped saying no so much when he approaches danger and have been saying other things like "thats a big ouchie" or "danger". These are, very exhausting times right now. Nevertheless, I will never, ever allow him to get physically hurt just to try and teach a lesson to him.
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S
While my experience has been that 16-month-olds who are interested in climbing on their own usually do just fine, and learn to stay away from heat sources by being brought close enough to them to feel the heat, your relatives have no business getting involved in how you raise your kids. If you're not interested in discussing it, tell them so, and refuse to engage in the discussion- is they persist, just keep saying "I'm not interested in discussing this with you." Eventually they'll get bored and leave you alone.
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Quote:

Originally Posted by srain
While my experience has been that 16-month-olds who are interested in climbing on their own usually do just fine, and learn to stay away from heat sources by being brought close enough to them to feel the heat, your relatives have no business getting involved in how you raise your kids. If you're not interested in discussing it, tell them so, and refuse to engage in the discussion- is they persist, just keep saying "I'm not interested in discussing this with you." Eventually they'll get bored and leave you alone.
I actually did tell him that I was fine with raising my son on my own and he came back saying he had this that and the other degree in child education, that he's the oldest sibling of 7 kids and he had to look after them all, yada yada yada. Some ppl just don't get it do they? I will have to be more clear.
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2
I could have written this post. In fact, I did about a month ago. I have a Childless By Choice BIL who is ALWAYS telling me how to parent DS.

The last time he did this, he was holding DS and DS was pushing against his chest trying to get away from BIL. Hearing DS crying and calling "Mooommmyyy" I rushed out of the bedroom and the moment DS saw me, he reached his little arms out to me and I grabbed my child.

BIL was furious! He said to me "You can't come running EVERY time DS starts crying for you. Let the boy cry". Let me tell you, since my child was present and since my consoling him was my TOP priority at the moment...had dynamics would have been different, I would have said some hurtful words to Childless-By-Choice BIL and created an irrepairable relationship.

In a cool, even clipped voice, I just calmly said to him "BIL, do not ever tell me how to raise my child...do you understand me? I refuse to stand here and get into a debate with you on MY Parenting skills."

And walked away with a "mental note" to have a discussion with DH- on drawing much needed boundaries with regards to BIL's behavior.

Which we did but that's another Post


This happened either last month or the month before. I hadn't seen BIL again since this past Sunday. I greeted him cordially, but with distance. My whole demeanor had changed because before he arrived, I was laughing and talking with SIL and having a good time. She and I planned a family dinner.

Anyway, BIL got out the car, I said Hello and he said Hello back. During the 2 hour time period he was there, I stood right by DS's side. Kind of like his shadow as BIL is good about discipling but withOUT reasoning.

His way of dealing with a Toddler's Tantrum is to "beat it out of him".

The more he keeps his distance, it makes for better family dynamics for all involved.

But at least he knows I have ZERO respect for his alleged Parenting skills.
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Quote:

Originally Posted by flapjack
The point is that children may be curious about candles, but that doesn't mean touching them: fear of fire is instinctual, born of watching adults treat it with respect. Buy him a copy of the continuum concept, and yourself a pack of earplugs.
If he reads that book, he'll start suggesting she leave razor sharp knives around the campfire and let her 9 month old roll around the floor with it.
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Oh geez, childless by choice people giving parenting advice irks me more than anything on this planet. I commend you for keeping your cool and not shoving a dirty diaper in his mouth to shut him up.
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I usually just say something about advice being given that's not asked for...If your BIL has all those degrees in child education, I would have said something about how he understands that all kids are different, and you know that those methods for raising a child do NOT work with your ds...
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