[Truly S]

I have been divorced for about 5 years now, my daughter is 9 years old and I have her most of the time. My daughter is a very sensitive, bright, spirited child and is prone to the negative side of things.
She has not made peace with the divorce, even yet and unfortunately her dad is not stable at all. He has moved around, couch surfing a bunch and my daughter worries about him more than she should.

She expressed to me tonight that she is 'just scared'. When I asked her what she is afraid of she said "everything".

I am going to take a trip soon and that has brought up a lot of fears for her, being away from me for a week.
As a single mom with a very small (and distant)family I yearn to be able to surround her with a big loving family of people so she wouldn't feel so afraid. I want so badly to provide her with a nice home that feels safe and has a yard etc..but all I can afford right now is a basic apartment that I fill with love and beauty as much as I can, but still the reality of noisy neighbors, etc...

Has anyone else dealt with a child at this age with so much fear and worry? It triggers it in me as well, creates this anxiety that I sometimes long to quell but am not always able to do...
Thinking that tapping deeper in to spiritual path might help. She has a very practical side to her, but she believes still in fairies and spirit, etc..

Would love any advice, or book suggestions, etc..anything to help my sweet daughter lighten up and see the sunny, safe side to life.

 

[hotmamacita]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Truly S I have been divorced for about 5 years now, my daughter is 9 years old and I have her most of the time. My daughter is a very sensitive, bright, spirited child and is prone to the negative side of things. She has not made peace with the divorce, even yet and unfortunately her dad is not stable at all. He has moved around, couch surfing a bunch and my daughter worries about him more than she should. She expressed to me tonight that she is 'just scared'. When I asked her what she is afraid of she said "everything". I am going to take a trip soon and that has brought up a lot of fears for her, being away from me for a week. As a single mom with a very small (and distant)family I yearn to be able to surround her with a big loving family of people so she wouldn't feel so afraid. I want so badly to provide her with a nice home that feels safe and has a yard etc..but all I can afford right now is a basic apartment that I fill with love and beauty as much as I can, but still the reality of noisy neighbors, etc... Has anyone else dealt with a child at this age with so much fear and worry? It triggers it in me as well, creates this anxiety that I sometimes long to quell but am not always able to do... Thinking that tapping deeper in to spiritual path might help. She has a very practical side to her, but she believes still in fairies and spirit, etc.. Would love any advice, or book suggestions, etc..anything to help my sweet daughter lighten up and see the sunny, safe side to life.

Please do not dismiss her feelings in anyway, even in your energy to "help" her "to lighten up and see the sunny, safe side to life." If she is articulating that she feels unsafe and is afraid, I might talk with her more about it with open ended questions that let her tell you how you feel. Listen, respect and consider a course of action that will honor and help her process her reality.

Can you find a child therapist for her? Divorce can really rattle some children.

 

[weliveintheforest]

Have you ever considered homeopathy or flower remedies? There are some great threads on these forums about them.

 

[Truly S]

I hadn't considered the flower remedies...but I will definitely look through the forums for guidance on that.
She does see a child therapist...we were seeing a sandplay therapist for a year, then my daughter suddenly became incredibly hostile about it and refused to go. So, we were advised to find someone else...anyone better than nobody.
She then saw another wonderful therapist for about 13 visits, and then my daughter decided she really wanted to go back to the original sandplay therapist.
We've gone back once and it was very healing to return to her and come full circle. We are awaiting next appt. but yes, she does go.
This has surely helped but ultimatley I am the only one who is here in the dark of night when fears are most powerful, to ease them.

Hotmamacita: thank you for advice on validation...or the reminder really. Our urge tends to be to quell all scary things for our kids, but I guess I just need to be a witness for her, to listen to her, let her talk about it. I was never listened to as a child so this is new for me, learning to sit and hold space for these vulnerable mind states.

I'll look in to flower remedies as well....

 

[hotmamacita]

You are such a good mama.

 

[Rosehip]

I agree with validating feelings, and listening for hints of anything that might be a trigger for her, or might be an area in which you can address an issue.

Don't be too hard on yourself about your living situation. Honestly, where I live, apartments are VERY normal (and run the gamut from public housing to multi-million dollar pre-war showcases), and there's nothing at all wrong or insecure about apartment living. Your dream house may be something else, but it sounds like you're creating a wonderful *home* for you and your DD. She may pick up on your worries in this arena.

I hope you and she find some peace.

 

[grass67hopper]

And let's broaden our definition of 'family'!
We don't have to be biologically related to become a family. Open your heart and your home, create your family!

 

[Truly S]

I am so thankful for your comments....

 

[BugMacGee]

Hugs momma. I was afraid of life to some extent. In some ways I still am. I think part of it is her age. She's mature enough to be aware of things she wasn't before. I went into therapy at her age. I'm not sure how much it helped, but I'm glad my mom tried.

Can you get her into some kind of positive activity? Music? Sports?

I think you're doing a great job. I hope things work out for you and your DD.

 

[LynnS6]

I don't normally hang out here, but saw your post in the 'new posts'.

There's a good book called "Freeing Your Child From Anxiety".

Note that some of these fears are age appropriate -- 9 year olds have a sense of mortality, but not a great sense of what's likely/unlikely. When our ds was 7, it really helped him to hear what would happen to him if both dh and I were not around. It was actually the details that worried him the most -- who would stay with him? how would he get to his aunt/uncle's house?

Your daughter might need some help to help her with anxiety. She might need someone outside the family to help her understand that her dad is responsible for himself, and that it's not her job to look out for him, no matter how much she loves him.

 

[thisiswhatwedo]

anxiety runs in my family back and forward. I got it bad and so do two of my three kids. That is a typical statement of a kid with clinical anxiety. But it's okay she may be going through stuff or she may have the disorder. you may want to study up on it.

 

[singin'intherain]

Telling stories might be a good way to give her some soothing comfort in a deep way that listening and saying things directly don't reach. You can tell a story about a girl who lives in an unsure world, where there are no simple answers and problems can go unresolved for a long time. Maybe she is led through the woods by a beautiful fairy, to a cave. The fairy tells her to follow the path, down into the cave. Along the way her "protectors" give her gifts that she will have in her life to help her cope with her problems. Like the beaver could give her a knife to represent the power of work. I don't know what would be relevant to her, but you get the idea.

I have seen this kind of story telling work magic within kids, including myself as a kid. I also LOVED those books about girls who survived on their own in the wilderness- like Island of the Blue Dolphins. They made me feel like a girl my age could be powerful and capable.

I wanted to add that my oldest, who is ten now, went through a lot of anxiety over the year she was nine. She gained a lot of equilibrium the summer she turned ten! This may be a case of really just hanging in there with her and taking her feelings seriously, like you have been.

 

[Truly S]

I love the story idea 'singin' in the rain', you started a great one there- I was already captivated

I will see what I can do with that.
I have been hearing that this kind of fear is age appropriate, and then add to that my daughter is a very sensitive individual. If she get's a scratch she feels it like a rugburn! Well, I'm heading out on my trip in just a couple days and I've talked with her about it quite a lot.
I think it will be perhaps, a little easier once I've gone, as the anticipation can be overwhelming.

I would like to get her in to an activity, but right now funds are too minimal...So many reassurances here, though...it helps a lot.

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