Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 180 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
634 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
<p>Friday was a bad day at work for him.  He was on edge all evening.  DS1 was home sick from school and I am also getting sick, so I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and I was hoping he could help out.  I put the older kids to their bedroom to watch a movie before bed and began to put the baby to sleep.  DH goes upstairs and plays guitar.  The movie ends and the kids start bickering about whether to sleep together or not.  They begin what sounds like pushing, yelling, fighting.  DH and I both arrive in their room at the same time.  DH is livid.  He yells at them and my one son hides under the covers while my other son is crying and too afraid to talk to DH.  DH keeps asking him "what did you do to make your brother mad?"  I told him I would handle the situation, because DH was so totally pissed and yelling so mean and just acting scary.  He wouldn't stop.  He said ds needed to tell him what he did to the other ds (who is sick, but still able to fight with his brother).  Anyhow, bottom line is that I told him to stop, back off, I would handle it, then we started yelling at each other and then I told him to get out of the house.  He refused.  He kept on yelling at ds.  I told him to stop or I would call the police.  He wouldn't stop. I went and called the police.  I have NEVER called the police.  I have threatened to before when DH was yelling at the kids and I told him to stop and he finally stopped.  I felt powerless and I wanted him to leave ds alone.  Well, I was on the phone about 5 minutes with dispatcher person and dh leaves.  I tell police not to come to our house.  They did anyway, they said they passed dh on the way to our house, so he had "left the area".  I talked to them out on the front porch for about 5 minutes and they left.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That was 9:30 friday night and dh hasn't been back.  He called into work and left a message he wouldn't be there for a few days.  His friends are worried about him because he didn't come to work (unlike him), and calling here.  I texted dh and said he could come home as soon as he was calm enough to talk (like 20 minutes after he left).  He didn't come back home that night.  I've texted him several times saying he needs to come home so we can talk and deal with this.  No response.  I have no idea where he is.  My kids keep asking about him.  I've talked to them about what happened but it's all unfinished business and they know it.  I'm upset.  I can't believe I called the police.  I can't believe he's just taken off.  I'm trying to be calm, but I feel like pucking and I keep crying, can't sleep.  I'm pissed at him for just taking off and leaving me to care for our 3 children.  I need advice on how to handle when he returns.  I have no idea what frame of mind he will be in.  I'm hoping he is figuring things out, but my guess is that he will return worse than when he left. I'm sure he'll be pissed at me for calling the police.  I am pissed that he didn't stop yelling at the kids.  I'm pissed he's just "left".  He's an adult with responsibilies....work, family, he needs to deal with this.  I would never just drop everything and leave like that.  I don't know what the next step is and I doubt he will bring any guidance (like, for example, a plan for him to help himself not blow up...a sorry.....we need to separate.....any sort of input, really, other than being pissed at me for calling the police).  I am NOT wanting the police or anyone like to be involved in our lives, but I felt powerless and wanted him to stop and he wouldn't.  I have to stand strong on my stance for that, but I feel weak.  I feel like I just want everything to be normal.  I need some strength and support, but the 2 people that help me the most are both on vacation right now and it would ruin their trips if they knew this stuff.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Any advice, support, opinions are appreciated.  I've read through a few of these threads and notice others having relationship issues I need to not feel alone right now.  </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,177 Posts
<p>Well...this is a tough situation.  I'm sorry you're going through it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm sure you're beside yourself right now. The important thing to keep in mind is that he's the one who did something wrong here, and now he's compounding it by refusing contact with you. I know this probably sounds terrible to you, but if I were in your shoes I would stop pursuing him, keep things as normal as possible at home and deal with him calmly when he does come back.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His behavior in this instance is unacceptable from top to bottom and it's not up to you to make it ok or justify what you did. Calling the police is a perfectly acceptable way to handle someone who is angry and out of control and won't stop, especially when you know they have a history of going on tirades.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
253 Posts
<p>I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now!  That must be absolutely terrifying, and maddening and a million other emotions.  To have that kind of worry, while being entirely responsible for your family, and being sick on top of that is a terrible place to have been put in.  No matter the circumstances, who is right or wrong, I don't think it's okay for a parent/spouse to just disappear with no explanation (except to escape an abusive situation obviously).</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,771 Posts
<p>I am sorry momma!  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I can only imagine how worried, mad, and maybe a little guilty you feel.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Has he ever hit them or is it mostly yelling?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Is he a good man otherwise?  Is the screaming on his part irregular or constant?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I must say that I have screamed at children before (it never involved name calling or swearing - but I have had too intense reactions).  I have never hit a child though. I would have been livid if my DH called the cops in a screaming fit.  I would never call the cops for screaming either.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That being said, I wasn't there...and maybe the you thought it would escalate to violence??? </p>
<p> </p>
<p>No matter what - his screaming and disappearing for days is not OK!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Here is what I would do ( and YMMV)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>1.  If it was a simple screaming fit, I would call and apologise for calling the police.  I would explain that I was at my wits end with the screaming and did not know how else to make it stop. I would also say that disappearing for days is not OK. I would say I was unwilling to have my kids live in a house filled with screaming - and DH needed to get control of his anger management issues or separation might be in the future.  You want him to come home but he needs to work on his $h*t.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>2.  If you genuinely feel he might become violent I would consider separating while he worked out his issues.</p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,234 Posts
<p>I'm so sorry you're going through this, mama. His behavior in uncontrollable yelling wasn't okay, and his behavior in just taking off like that wasn't okay. It's important for you to know that the way he was acting was wrong.</p>
<p>FYI, couples counseling isn't recommended in situations like that. You both might benefit from individual and separate counseling.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
634 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
<p>Thanks all!  I need some perspectives on this.  I am feeling guilty for calling the police.  He has never hit the children, although he always says they need spanked in order to make them behave.  I also have been at my wits end and yelled and I would never want him calling the police on me during that time either.  We have been in this situation before, him going from 0 to 10 over something relatively small with the children and I tell him that I will handle it.  He used to walk away easier during these times, but lately he's not doing that.  This is a problem on many levels.  For one, he IS out of control with the yelling and I know underneath he thinks a spanking is what they "need" to learn.  For 2, he is not respecting me whatsoever.  When he's yelling like this, I want my kids to know that I can protect them......I want to know that myself too.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I am sickened that he's just left and is not available.  We live over 2500 miles from any family and if there was an emergency, well, that would suck.  I just don't know where to go from here.  We are never able to "talk" about things very well.  I'm not sure how to make things right.  I do feel guilty for calling the police, but I can't have him yelling at the kids like that and not knowing when he needs to stop/not stopping when I ask him.  I don't want a household having to walk on eggshells so they don't piss him off.  I feel like it's so totally selfish and wrong to just walk away like this.  He's not even asking for my help, advice, opinion.....and I'm his partner.  It makes me feel like crap.  Also, he isn't there for me right now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>  I know this post is everywhere.....I'm beside myself.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
634 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
<p>I could use any support or perspectives you can give right now.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,177 Posts
<p>You should not feel guilty for calling the police. What you are describing is an escalating pattern of violence that could easily lead to him hitting your kids. Look at what you wrote. He used to calm down faster, now he doesn't. He threatens to hit or expresses to you that they should be hit to control their behavior. He used to stop if you said you were going to call the cops, this time he didn't. With that information, I would <em>absolutely</em> call the police if I were standing there telling the other party I was going to call the police if they didn't stop and they ignored me and kept screaming at my child. Not to mention the example it would have set if you had just backed down and sat there while he screamed at them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Also, the fact that your whole story here starts out with DH having a bad day at work is alarming to me. Abusers often take out their "bad days" on people or use work, stress, etc. as an excuse to allow themselves to get out of control and lash out.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,290 Posts
<p>I'm not in  your situation, but I dont' think you should feel guilty about calling the police.  If he were yelling at you like that, that's one thing.  But he's easily 3 times the size of your kids and they were terrified.  You told him to stop, you gave him the opportunity to leave and get perspective - he didn't.  Do NOT blame yourself and be sure your kids know it's NOT their fault, either.  They are likely internalizing this as well....if we hadn't been fighting, he wouldn't have left....sort of mentality.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm sorry he's missing and hasn't replied.  You could file a missing persons report, since he's called into work and his friends don't know where he is.  Is it possible he took a road trip to your family?  Holed up in a hotel room somewhere?  Is it possible he's tried to harm himself?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Honestly, I think this would be the straw that made me call it quits.  Change the locks and file for divorce.  But, only you can make that decision for you.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,749 Posts
<p><br>
 </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>shelbean91</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285062/my-dh-is-missing#post_16111026"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br>
Change the locks and file for divorce.</div>
</div>
<br><br><p>That seems a little harsh.  Marriage isn't a paper you just shred when things get tough.  He's obviously having some real issues.  I'd be livid if my dh just took off, but something must be very wrong.  His stress is either unbearable to him or he is just a selfish jerk.  It doesn't sound from the op that he is normally a selfish jerk.  He definitely has some issues working through his anger and you had every right to call the police. </p>
<p>Has he only called into work once?  Has anyone heard from him?  If not, I would call the police and file a missing person and check the hospitals.  :(  He may just be sitting in a hotel somewhere trying to work through what he's done.  Can you check your bank account/credit cards for activity?   Hugs!  I'm so sorry you are going through this.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
634 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
<p>My mind is absorbing all of this.  I just feel really vulnerable right now.  I need to be strong for my kids, but I have all this emotion at the same time.  I have stopped trying to contact him at all.  He responded to one text yesterday at 11:40am that he was OK.  He responded to a friend's text last night at about 8:00pm, saying again that he was OK.  One friend was even calling the local hotels, but didn't find him at any.   They are doing this stuff because THEY are worried.  I am a mix of many emotions, but I'm very upset that he has the power to tell us all where he is and he's not.  I have considered filing a missing person's report, but I'm already feeling ill feelings from calling the other night......I feel that would compound the situation more.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>By him not stopping yelling, I was forced to call for help.  I couldn't back down and let him keep yelling and baggering the kid like that.  I guess we are at a crossroads here.  I need to be strong enough to handle this.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Immediate actions should be what?  </p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,309 Posts
<p>Check the bank accounts and credit cards for activity.  If you have joint credit cards you may be able to track him doing that - call the credit company and ask for the last transaction.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Check your bank accounts, if he's withdrawn a large sum of money, you'll need to do the same to protect your financial situation until he comes back.  The last thing you want is for him to have left, and to have him take all the money with him - you do have 3 kids to take care of, and right now he only has himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I would also call the hospitals, not b/c I think anything happened to him, but to rule it out.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>You said the 2 people who normally help you through this stuff are both on vacation.  I totally understand not wanting to ruin it, but think long and hard to see if there is anyone else you could trust right now.  One of his work friends?  You said they were worried.   Would they come over and play with the kids while you make some phone calls?  Bring you some take-out?  Are there mom's group friends that might help you?  Think about it, and ask someone for help.  You're going to need someone to lean on if he comes back or not.  Reach out - people can be very generous when given the chance.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Also, while changing the locks and filing for divorce may sound harsh, it may be the right thing to do.  From your posts I don't know how your marriage has been going, but if there are other signs of abuse that may be a route to consider.  I also would definitely consider not allowing him to come home until you have a chance to talk to each other, in private without the kids, in a place that is not your home.  Either a public place, or anywhere - when you're fighting over things that are happening at home it can be detrimental to discuss it at home b/c thats the origin of the dispute - a neutral place may take things down a notch.  If I were you, I would let my mama bear come out and do everything possible to make sure that I and my kids were safe from further outbursts until your husband showed that he was willing to work and change things.  (If him needing to change, and false promises have been a pattern however, this would be the straw that broke the camel's back and I would not allow him to come home).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Good luck to you.  Many many hugs, whatever happens you will pull through this, and everything will be ok.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
634 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
<p>I've been calling the bank account and no transactions have processed.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,749 Posts
<p>I wouldn't file the missing persons if he has responded that he is ok.  I think at some point you need to give him an ultimatum.  He is obviously reading his texts. </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,952 Posts
<p>You called the police because his behavior scared you. He seemed to be getting more and more upset and not to be able to calm down. I know you can't control how you feel about it, but I don't think you should feel guilty. When you have children, you can't mess around with a big yelling scary angry man, even if that man is their dad and your husband when he's not the Incredible Hulk. So I don't think you should feel guilty. You should feel proud that you figured out something to do when you thought things might be getting dangerous.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm taking a wild guess that he feels ashamed of his behavior. He wishes he hadn't frightened you and the children and that you hadn't called the cops because now outsiders know he was out of control. He might be trying to pull himself together, or he might be trying to justify his bad behavior to himself and blame you for it and try to persuade you to just overlook the whole thing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It would be a good thing to call a domestic violence hotline and get help evaluating your situation. Many people on here have said that they don't think couples counseling works if one partner is being abusive (i.e., trying to control the other.) But if you think this behavior is not intended to control you, and you just want to get clear on what happened, sometimes counseling can work even when things look hopeless. At least it will give you something to work with if you think he's not intentionally abusive but the marriage isn't viable. You need someone to help you work through the data and develop some kind of analysis of what you have here.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
537 Posts
<p>I wanted to offer you a little support.  You did what you needed to do in the moment to protect your children.  My dad was a screamer, I was terrified of him.  I'm almost 30 years old and am still scared of him, even after therapy.  We tend to think 'at least the kids aren't hit'.  Well, my dad did hit me, always under the guise of 'disciplne'.  I'll tell you right now, I wish he had hit me more often and yelled less.  There's something terrifying and debilitating about looking at an adult you love and seeing that ''change' when they go from your dad to out of control animal.  your children were being harmed, you used your tools to protect them.  I am proud of you.</p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,309 Posts
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>pacifica</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285062/my-dh-is-missing#post_16111063"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>By him not stopping yelling, I was forced to call for help.  I couldn't back down and let him keep yelling and baggering the kid like that.  I guess we are at a crossroads here.  I need to be strong enough to handle this.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I</p>
</div>
</div>
<br><br><p>I just wanted to say to this, that following your instincts was ABSOLUTELY the RIGHT thing to do.  Women need to follow their instincts, especially when our children are involved.  We cross posted just a few minutes ago, so I just read your update.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm glad he's ok, but I would change the locks.  Then the decision to let him back in or not is in your hands, and gives you some control over the situation.  You can choose to let him back in, but I would be nervous about him coming in when I wasn't home, or if I was in bed. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>And when I say that people can be very generous when given the chance, I'm speaking from experience.  There are people who I didn't even consider friends (before I needed to confide in them - they are my among my best friends now) that have stuck by me through thick and thin. </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,767 Posts
<p>So are you saying he hasn't made a withdrawal from the bank account or used any credit cards? Does he have a car/truck with him? Where would you guess he is staying - like is there a buddy he would stay with? I would have guessed someone trying to cool off and take a break for a few days would stay in a hotel, but how is that possible without credit cards or cash?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hmmm - momma, I am so very sorry too. This sounds very painful. Before we were married (so totally different situation) my dh left after a fight and went to his parents house for 2 days. In that case it was a cooling off situation, and again we weren't married & neither of us has done that since having children.</p>
<p>I hope he gets in touch with you today.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I would probably write to ask him if he would be open to calling to speak to the kids so they know he's okay, or to ask him what he would like you to tell them about his absence. Otherwise in general I would be trying to stay calm and positive for the kids' sake and just say daddy is taking a little time away to relax and feel better.</p>
<p>All of this opinion would change a lot if there is a larger history of angry outbursts and violence - I'm not sure what the whole picture is or what he is like as a husband and dad. As another pp said, is this a pattern or an exception?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hoping for the best for all of you, mama.</p>
<p> </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,864 Posts
<p>I'd text him again & just ask him to let you know if he's okay again. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He didn't "just take off" you told him to leave</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Once you picked up the phone he probably knew he'd better leave or risk ending up in jail.  he's phoned work & taken a couple of days off. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It sounds like he is taking time to calm himself & destress a bit.  He may be giving you some cooling off time too as he knows you're probably pretty pissed at him over the yelling.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>You mentioned his yelling has increased, has his job stress increased?    Does he get many days off(it seems he works weekends) or downtime when he's not at work?  I'm not saying job stress is an excuse for his behaviour but if he is very stressed out for 8+ hours a day it is hard to shut that off & he may need to find some new ways of doing that(with or without your help).  It may mean a job change too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When he comes back do NOT be mad at him being gone for this long, that is not going to help get to the root of the issue going on with himself & between the 2 of you.</p>
 
1 - 20 of 180 Posts
Top