[dw'smamma]

Hello....I am not even pregnant yet, but my husband and I are trying to conceive baby #2. I really want a homebirth for all the reasons everyone else wants a homebirth, however, my DH is still a little nervous about the idea.

At first, he was just like no way....Drs....hospital...that's it....then I informed him that he is not the one that will labor/deliever the baby and that in my heart, I feel homebirth is the best for our family. After we sat down and really talked about it......the main reasons he doesn't want me to have one......is FEAR. He is very concerned for the safety of his unborn child and wife. His main concern is that if something happens during labor/delivery-----baby isn't breathing, etc......is that we will not make it to the hospital in time to get the baby and/or me out of distress.

Since I am new to homebirth and still learning the ins/outs....I do not really know what to be scared of or if he is right. My mother is also saying NO WAY to homebirth.....and she has actually attended several HB's as a nurse back in the day. She says that the risk of getting the baby or me to the hospital in the event of something going wrong is too high to choose homebirth.

I want to believe that I am making the right decision, but I really feel that my loved ones doubt me and that now I am beginning to doubt myself and my decision to homebirth. I do not want to put myself or my new baby at risk.....so please make me and DH and others see this is the SAFEST way!

Also, I would love to know some HB book recommendations to help guide me through these concerns and other things.....if anyone has any they are done with that I could borrow, that would also be great!!

Thank you so much!

 

[alegna]

Anything by Henci Goer is great. If he likes research and stats go for Obstetric Myth vs. Research Reality.

-Angela

 

[Guest*]

Here you go....a study that shows that hospital births and homebirths have about the same death rate, but homebirth has a SIGNIFICANTLY less rate of trauma than hospital birth.

Published in the British Medical Journal last year...

http://bmj.bmjjournals.com/cgi/conte...505/1416?ehom_

Also, as Angela said, anything by Henci Goer. You can find a bunch of her articles around the Internet or find a book at the library.

HTH,

 

[Full Heart]

I also highly suggest calling some mws and or someone who has had homebirths and ask them questions on how things are handled. If you can find a couple who had a hb often times men feel better if they talk to another man. My dh was already broken in when I got him

so I didn't have to do any work on him. He knew another couple that had hb and they educated him for me before we even met.

 

[laohaire]

This is common (having DH fear homebirth) and understandable. Your DH loves you and wants you to be protected, and not only does our society teach us that hospitals are the safest places, it also fits with a man's way of thinking (that you have to actively manage birth for it to be safe - that just "letting" the bodies of mother and baby do their thing isn't enough). I'm not criticizing men, they are just different that way, and while I think it may work in the man's world, I think it's not the best thing in the world of birth.

I think that by 1) acknowledging his position and telling him that you GENUINELY appreciate his concerns and it makes you feel wonderful to know he cares so much and 2) giving him scientific resources showing the safety of homebirth and 3) asking him exactly what he's afraid of so you can give him resources (for example, my DH's sister was born with a cord around her neck, and that was a big story for him and his sister when they were growing up, and I guess it scared their mom and she was always thanking goodness the doctor was there - and my DH was surprised and relieved to see, after research, that this is not at all a big deal, very common, and dealt with at home exactly the same way as they deal with it at the hospital) and 4) asking him to meet with the midwife and for him to be honest with her about his fears (and tell him beforehand that you totally support this and want him to get the answers he needs) that this will help him to be openminded about home birth.

My DH was also scared, and eventually he was ok with me making the decision to do it (though at that point he hadn't totally swung around) and now that we've done it, he's still a little anxious about it but also very open to it. He easily sees now the problems with hospitals, and cringes just like I do when he hears about unneccessary interventions that lead to problems.

 

[heathenmom]

I've been going through this exact same thing the last week or so. We *just* found out we're expecting #2. DD was a very traumatic hospital birth and I've been adamant since the day she was born that future babies will be born at home (unless there's a *real* need, of course). He seemed okay with it until there was an actual baby on the way, at which point he freaked out, for exactly the same reasons as your husband. I ordered a copy of Henci Goer's book The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth and insisted that he read it. He started it last night, and this morning when I got up he apologized to me for not doing more to make dd's birth better and is now completely on board for our homebirth this coming April!

I swear by that book. It addresses the big concerns in a very logical manner, with tons of medical research to back it up. If I ever won the lottery, I'd create some kind of foundation that put that book in the hands of every pregnant woman.

Best to you and your family.

 

[Emilie]

Hugs mama!!! How exciting! very few of us had dhs on board at first!!!!!

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!!

For books I reccomend Birthing From Within by Pam England.

It nicely points out some of the IDIOTIC things that are COMMONPLACE/ROUTINE in hospital deliveries.

I also suggest calling some mw's in your area- and talking to them. Have dh meet with them too- write down your list of concerns.... discuss them.
ONe big bonus of having a MW attended HB is that your prenatals are longer than 10 minutes! OMG!!!LOL! They want to know how you are FEELING- just not what happens when you pee on a stick! LOL....

The mw will be very familiar with many concerns that you both have and will be able to tell you firsthand how she would react( or has reacted) to any complications that arise.

My mw spent about 2 hours on the first visit and about an hour -2or so each visit after. Every mw does things differently - but I think you will find this average....

HB is much more family friendly. She will most likely veiw your husband as a very important part of this journey.( can you tell I just love hb?LOL)
that will ease his fears too.... knowing someone personally who will be caring for you.

MW lay and otherwise are highly trained- knowledgeable people who would not do what they do if they did not strongly belive in a womans ablitly to birth naturally....

Anyway.... I will get off my soapbax,.....

GOOD LUCK TO YOU AS YOU RESEARCH! Go check out the birth stories on this forum. They helped a ton! For me....

Keep asking questions!

 

[Max'sMama]

Obstetrical Myths vs Research Realities was a great book for my dh. Natural Childbirth the Bradley way was also very positive for him, especially since child #1's birth was very stereotypical hospital farce. He also read some articles I pulled from Pathways (from many Chiropractic offices) and Mothering Mag. I sent him the British Journal thing that someone else linked for you. That one in particular really helped him.

Someone else suggested him talking with other men. We happened upon this method and it was amazing. He really took to other men's views of how it was for them. One of the men has seen vag hospital, csection birth and homebirth with his last baby (1 of 6) and he was so open with information, even without dh asking specifically, that really helped turn my dh around regarding homebirth. Now...

We just had our homebirth a month ago and while DH was DEADDSET against it (at first) and through the end of my pregnancy he was just 'ok' with the idea and reality. Last week we were talking and he said to me, "you were right about the homebirth by the way." I was floored. I mean I knew I was right but to have him say it AND to know that he will now see people scheduling inductions or blindly believing the OBs and will actually come out and give them alternatives.

I suggest continually providing information and letting him know why and how important it is to you. The way I explained it to my dh was that I needed to do it (birth) "right". For me the hospital was not the right way. I NEEDED something different than that and it was everything I wanted and more. I guess on a primitive level I needed to know that I could do the birth thing. Without the interventions so common in birth today.

 

[huggerwocky]

Safety: there is no statistic that proves hospitals are safer ( not that I know of anyway). There are many statistics that give good reasons not to go to a hospital.

That quickly convinced my (statistician) husband. That and the talk with the midwife about what can happen, what she can do and so on. See, some mens till think midwives sit next to the bed and chant when you're bleeding to death and are unaware of the rare complications they can handle.

 

[dw'smamma]

Thanks! I will check those out!

Quote:

Originally Posted by alegna Anything by Henci Goer is great. If he likes research and stats go for Obstetric Myth vs. Research Reality. -Angela

 

[dw'smamma]

Thank you so much for breaking it down into the most important things I need to address to him.

I plan on talking with him seriously this weekend and getting a book for us to read together.

He is currently in a job training that requires him to be gone from home all week long and we only see him some weekends. So....even though I plan on meeting with a MW here in a couple of weeks, it is literally impossible for him to come along. So....I was thinking, in order for him to be involved in the process without actually being there, that maybe I should ask him his real concerns, like you said, and then have him list them on paper along with questions that he wants to ask the midwife. I could then ask her and relay the answers back to him. I thought that making him feel involved in the ENTIRE HB and choosing a MW process would make it a smoother road for him.

Thanks again for all your WONDERFUL advice!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by laohaire This is common (having DH fear homebirth) and understandable. Your DH loves you and wants you to be protected, and not only does our society teach us that hospitals are the safest places, it also fits with a man's way of thinking (that you have to actively manage birth for it to be safe - that just "letting" the bodies of mother and baby do their thing isn't enough). I'm not criticizing men, they are just different that way, and while I think it may work in the man's world, I think it's not the best thing in the world of birth. I think that by 1) acknowledging his position and telling him that you GENUINELY appreciate his concerns and it makes you feel wonderful to know he cares so much and 2) giving him scientific resources showing the safety of homebirth and 3) asking him exactly what he's afraid of so you can give him resources (for example, my DH's sister was born with a cord around her neck, and that was a big story for him and his sister when they were growing up, and I guess it scared their mom and she was always thanking goodness the doctor was there - and my DH was surprised and relieved to see, after research, that this is not at all a big deal, very common, and dealt with at home exactly the same way as they deal with it at the hospital) and 4) asking him to meet with the midwife and for him to be honest with her about his fears (and tell him beforehand that you totally support this and want him to get the answers he needs) that this will help him to be openminded about home birth. My DH was also scared, and eventually he was ok with me making the decision to do it (though at that point he hadn't totally swung around) and now that we've done it, he's still a little anxious about it but also very open to it. He easily sees now the problems with hospitals, and cringes just like I do when he hears about unneccessary interventions that lead to problems.

 

[dw'smamma]

First of all, CONGRATS on baby #2!!! I am hoping that I will be pregnant any day now, too.

Thanks for the book recommendation....I plan on picking up a copy of that ASAP and putting in front of my DH.

It is nice to know there are other mammas in my same position.

Thanks again!

Quote:

Originally Posted by heathenmom I've been going through this exact same thing the last week or so. We *just* found out we're expecting #2. DD was a very traumatic hospital birth and I've been adamant since the day she was born that future babies will be born at home (unless there's a *real* need, of course). He seemed okay with it until there was an actual baby on the way, at which point he freaked out, for exactly the same reasons as your husband. I ordered a copy of Henci Goer's book The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth and insisted that he read it. He started it last night, and this morning when I got up he apologized to me for not doing more to make dd's birth better and is now completely on board for our homebirth this coming April! I swear by that book. It addresses the big concerns in a very logical manner, with tons of medical research to back it up. If I ever won the lottery, I'd create some kind of foundation that put that book in the hands of every pregnant woman. Best to you and your family.

 

[dw'smamma]

Thanks for pointing out that I am not alone....just knowing that makes me feel better and not so upset at DH.

I will definitely check out that book recommendation.

I did tell him about how the prenatal visits are longer....like over an hour rather than 5 minutes.....and he seemed to perk up. Probably because with baby #1, we waited for an hour or more to see our OB and then we were only in there maybe 5 min!!! That seemed so stupid to me and very impersonal!

Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emilie Hugs mama!!! How exciting! very few of us had dhs on board at first!!!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!! For books I reccomend Birthing From Within by Pam England. It nicely points out some of the IDIOTIC things that are COMMONPLACE/ROUTINE in hospital deliveries. I also suggest calling some mw's in your area- and talking to them. Have dh meet with them too- write down your list of concerns.... discuss them. ONe big bonus of having a MW attended HB is that your prenatals are longer than 10 minutes! OMG!!!LOL! They want to know how you are FEELING- just not what happens when you pee on a stick! LOL.... The mw will be very familiar with many concerns that you both have and will be able to tell you firsthand how she would react( or has reacted) to any complications that arise. My mw spent about 2 hours on the first visit and about an hour -2or so each visit after. Every mw does things differently - but I think you will find this average.... HB is much more family friendly. She will most likely veiw your husband as a very important part of this journey.( can you tell I just love hb?LOL) that will ease his fears too.... knowing someone personally who will be caring for you. MW lay and otherwise are highly trained- knowledgeable people who would not do what they do if they did not strongly belive in a womans ablitly to birth naturally.... Anyway.... I will get off my soapbax,..... GOOD LUCK TO YOU AS YOU RESEARCH! Go check out the birth stories on this forum. They helped a ton! For me.... Keep asking questions!

 

[Guest*]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dw'smamma He is currently in a job training that requires him to be gone from home all week long and we only see him some weekends. So....even though I plan on meeting with a MW here in a couple of weeks, it is literally impossible for him to come along.

Explain your situation to the midwife. She may be more than willing to schedule a visit on a weekend if it means getting your DH on board. i think many first visits are midwives answering questions and dealing with husband fears. Doesn't hurt to ask! Good luck to you.

 

[2+twins]

I'm a person who had a baby which required oxygen after birth (or at least it helped some) and then I began to bleed a lot more than preferred and needed help with that too. I can tell you, my mw handled it great. I knew everything would be okay, ultimately, and my biggest concern at the time was whether or not I'd actually *need* to transfer to the hospital, b/c I really wanted to avoid that. I didn't - oxygen and gentle suctioning of the baby was enough to pink him up. A shot of pit & methergine and fundal massage was enough to get my bleeding under control. That was topped with an IV full of fluids, just to make me feel better faster. Believe me, mw's are *very* capable of handling most "emergencies" at home, and are much more likely to detect an impending problem since they're constantly there observing you (vs. the machines the hospital relies on) so IF (and that's a pretty big "if") you actually need to be transferred to the hospital, you can do so in plenty of time. There's a new book available online in e-book format. I haven't read it yet but I think it might be good for you. It's called Spontaneous Creation: 101 Reasons Not to Have Your Baby in a Hospital. Still, I think the best way to put worrying minds at ease is to interview mw's and ask them all your questions. That always seems to do the trick.

 

[Emilie]

Oh- if dh wants to- she may be willing to speak to him over the phoine as well. It sounds like it will work out tho! look forward to hearing more!

 

[Emmeline II]

My dh started out as "absolutely not" also, but having done Bradley knew that the hospital birth with #1 was not good, and consented to a birth center. Two weeks before the birth we went to visit the birth center and it finally clicked with him. Good thing because we never would have made it to the birth center; dh arrived 20min before dd was born, my mw's mw friend 30 later and my mws an hour later.

Quote:

Homebirth Safety Resources The following are resources MDC members found helpful for convincing family members of the safety of homebirth: Articles & Links: British Medical Journal study http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articl...ogyinbirth.asp http://gentlebirth.org/archives/prntshar.html http://www.homebirthdallas.org/HANDWebResources http://www.texas-midwife.com/ishomebirthsafe.htm http://gentlebirth.org/archives/prntshar.html http://www.geocities.com/Wellesley/5510/studies.html http://home.earthlink.net/~eaglefalc...irthoprah.html http://www.homebirth.org.uk/homebirthindex.htm http://www.healthychild.com/database..._like_home.htm http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articl...irthchoice.asp http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articles/gracious.asp http://www.birthpsychology.com/violence/odent1.html http://www.acegraphics.com.au/articles/wagner01.html http://www.birthpsychology.com/birthscene/otoday4.html http://www.changesurfer.com/Hlth/homebirth.html Books: Immaculate Deception by Suzanne Arms Special Delivery by Rahima Baldwin Dancy Birth at Home by Sheila Kitzinger The Cultural Warping of Childbirth by Doris Haire The Home Birth Book by Charlotte and Fred Ward Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way by Susan McCutcheon-Rosegg Active Birth by Janet Balaskas Birth Without Violence by Frederick Leboyer Birth Reborn by Michael Odent The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin

 

[dw'smamma]

Thanks for all the reassurance!! And for describing an actual emergency type of situation that turned out just fine. I know that the MW can handle anything that might arise.....it is just getting my DH to listen long enough to acutally "hear" what I am saying about all this. He is very close-minded and judgemental........yet deep down I know he will realize it is a great thing.

Thanks for the book recommendatiaon...that is cool that is available online...I will check it out!!

Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by love_homebirthing I'm a person who had a baby which required oxygen after birth (or at least it helped some) and then I began to bleed a lot more than preferred and needed help with that too. I can tell you, my mw handled it great. I knew everything would be okay, ultimately, and my biggest concern at the time was whether or not I'd actually *need* to transfer to the hospital, b/c I really wanted to avoid that. I didn't - oxygen and gentle suctioning of the baby was enough to pink him up. A shot of pit & methergine and fundal massage was enough to get my bleeding under control. That was topped with an IV full of fluids, just to make me feel better faster. Believe me, mw's are *very* capable of handling most "emergencies" at home, and are much more likely to detect an impending problem since they're constantly there observing you (vs. the machines the hospital relies on) so IF (and that's a pretty big "if") you actually need to be transferred to the hospital, you can do so in plenty of time. There's a new book available online in e-book format. I haven't read it yet but I think it might be good for you. It's called Spontaneous Creation: 101 Reasons Not to Have Your Baby in a Hospital. Still, I think the best way to put worrying minds at ease is to interview mw's and ask them all your questions. That always seems to do the trick.

 

[dw'smamma]

Thanks for all the book/website recommendations!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by i'mmykid'$mom My dh started out as "absolutely not" also, but having done Bradley knew that the hospital birth with #1 was not good, and consented to a birth center. Two weeks before the birth we went to visit the birth center and it finally clicked with him. Good thing because we never would have made it to the birth center; dh arrived 20min before dd was born, my mw's mw friend 30 later and my mws an hour later.

 

[Emilie]

hows it going?