[mamasboys4me]

just a little background. I hadn't really considered HB until about a month ago. My first delivery was "standard" lol ..epidural, you name it. I was young, and very uneducated about what I could and couldn't have say in. My second I had a natural delivery in a hospital. I felt wonderful, except for all the darn nurses standing around INFRONT OF MY VIDEO CAMERA! ugh

I've been reading about HB stories and a few sites, and I just keep thinking how wonderful it would be to get to know when I needed to push, etc. Not have anyone tell me anything! To get to sleep in my own bed! Before I had thought that HB was scary and unassisted was even crazy. Then aha! Knowledge! I just almost drool at how wonderful the experience must be of having a baby at home. It is making me very unsatisified with the hospital experience. My doctor is okay, but I've heard he "loves" to give c-sections. I will be talking with him this next visit to really press him as to what I want from a hospital experience.

I've said a few things here and there to dh about what I've been reading. I finally asked him the other day, hypothetically, "IF we had the $$, and lived closer in town (we live in the boonies!), if he would CONSIDER a HB?" He was like no. It really made me upset. We have a very good relationship, so I was miffed at the brush off. I told him that I didn't expect him to jump on board, but the least he could do is hear me out and be knowledgeable on the subject before deciding. He said it is not something he wants to know anything about. Anything could happen he says. Then he goes into "does the MW have a crash cart, oxygen, etc, etc"? I explained that I didn't know it all, but I really wanted to learn. THEN he tries telling me how he knows I want a natural birth, etc, and I can have that in the hospital, what is so bad about it?, etc?

It made me so mad, I just quit talking. How can he even pretend to know what labor is like? I just feel so sad that he can't even support what I feel is important. Has anyone else had a partner that didn't agree with them?

 

[Kabes]

Ditto. . . my dh said the same thing. I'm ticked too, after all he doesn't have to go through childbirth- I do. I will have a home birth. I've decided. He can't make me go!

Hope you can work things out.

 

[willowsmama]

I had the same problems with my DH when we thouht about a HB. I ended up leaving him along 6 page letter about my feelings HB vs. hospital, the safety I felt at home ect. Once he knew my reasons he was open to talking about it, veiwing my research and talking to mw's. I think he needed to make the decision with me not just agree with me.

 

[2+twins]

I didn't have to do too much convincing - dh knew long before we were married that when I did eventually have a baby it would be at home. But I've read a lot on these boards where the suggestion is that YOU decide you're going to homebirth and you put the burden of proof on dh. If he "feels" it's an unsafe option, then he needs to research why that is and provide you with the info so you can see how you must need a hospital birth. Of course, he's not going to find that evidence because homebirth IS at least as safe (safer IMO for most) than a hospital birth. You should at least try to have the birth of your dreams. Keep talking to him - don't let the subject just drop. He needs to understand how important this is to you. And yes, most midwifes carry a "mini-hospital" in the trunk of their car (oxygen, etc.). I know that both dh AND myself felt much more at ease after meeting with our midwifes for the first time - in an interview setting - and finding out all of what they had to offer. For us, it was a plus that they were CNM's (made dh feel safer about it - he's a paramedic so he's not exactly trained in the "birth is a normal process" way). I've also read from other posters that their dh came around after being able to interview the midwife(s) and seeing for himself that it IS a safe option. Good luck - I hope this works out for you (both)!

 

[mamasboys4me]

Thanks for the responses

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Do any of you know of the best sites or books that are good to read up on??

 

[Graceoc]

That is the EXACT same reaction my DH had when I brought it up really hypothetically (meaning I didn't even want a hb at the time) and now 2 years later we are planning our first hb! So don't let it deter you....I mean it is a *very* forgein idea considering our society and it takes a while to really settle in. I didn't really do anything to convice DH - I knew he wouldn't really read about it or anything like that - so I continued to educate myself. When the time came to make a decision about this birth I continued to educate myself and called a mw to come to our home for an intereview. IT was then that he really realized that I *knew* what I was talking about and agreed to it even before meeting the mw (who BTW is great!)......and I would have NEVER EVER EVER though that *my* DH would have agreed to this in a million years! Shocked the heck out of me - in a very good way!

 

[rad]

My Dh said the same thing. I started looking into HB when we were thinking about TTC. So I asked him what he thought about having one. He flat out said no way. So I started buying HB books and finding article online to print out and leave ALL over the house. My DH is one of those that if something is infront of him he will usually read what it says especially in the bathroom. :LOL After a month or so of this, I started asking him why he wouldn't want one. After we went through how safe it was, it came down to the mess. Not a big deal in my book, but ok, I'm sure DH was worried he'd have to clean everything up. Then finally I just put my foot down and told him that when he was capable of giving birth to our children he could pick were to do that. Until that day, I'd pick and it would be at home. The compromise for us was that I was able to find a great dr that attends births at home. So I got my homebirths and DH got the comfort of a dr and midwife and didn't have to clean anything up.

Now DH is a big fan of HB. He can't imagine having our babies anywhere else.

Good luck! I hope your DH comes around.

 

[Graceoc]

Oh - forgot to mention I think some of the things that brought DH around were 1) we are VERY close to the hospital (2.4 miles) 2) I will see an OB throught my pgcy as well 'just in case' 3) my mw is also a certified EMT. I also talked to him alot about at home I would be constantly monitored by one person - who will know what is happening at all times and will be able to react quickly if there is a problem - but if I am in the hospital I would most likely have a number of different people in and out all with their own mind frame of what is good/bad which could lead to 'something' potentially being 'missed' this also seemed to make sense to him......anyway GOOD LUCK!

 

[Greaseball]

Midwives carry infant resuscitation equipment, and drugs to stop a mother from hemorrhaging. That's a standard answer you can give to anyone who says "What if you start bleeding" or "What if the baby doesn't breathe".

 

[wtchyhlr]

My DH hasn't had any issues with the idea of us doing homebirth. 5 years ago some really close friends of ours had a very early term baby (5months) who did not live, and one of the reasons was that her care by an OB, and in hospitals was mismanaged (she went in in labor, they sent her away.... and it went downhill from there). We're much more confident we'll get good prenatal care from a midwife.

 

[Peony]

When I first brought up the subject of HB, my dh had the exact same response. I went to work on him, I'd talk about a study I had read, how safe it was, etc... We aren't even TTC #2 yet, but by now he knows we will be having a homebirth. For me, I would have a HB wheter dh liked it or not, but it is alot easier when they support you. Now I'm going to work on the subject of a UC!

Just take baby steps, men are much more likely to agree when the info is presented slowly, with my dh if I talk too much about something, he feels like I'm pushing it at him. Good luck.

 

[momto l&a]

By in the Boonies how far away from a hospital are you?

My mw is trained in calling, giving cordinates, packing up a mom and baby and getting them ready for Lifeflight. So we wouldnt have to bother with the podunk hospitals around here should anything go wrong.

For my dh I just started telling him everything I read about hb and that they are safer than a hospital. It also helped that I had been born at home and we knew a number of people who had hb's. After our first hb dh said he would never want top have a baby in a hospital, just too sterile (feeling) and unhomey.

 

[mamasboys4me]

Just wanted to say thanks again for all the advice. I've been reading Ina May Gastin's Guide to Natural Childbirth and it is really good. I tell my dh I need his undivided attention so I can read some stuff to him for like 10 minutes. He is doing good, no eye glazing! lol

I think we will are going to try to save for a midwife. There is only one around here, but she had delivered 7 of my friends 9 babies, so she comes recommended!!

 

[ebethmom]

Yea! Sounds like you've made good progress (or dh has!). My dh was a hard sell, too. Money was an issue, and he just didn't understand why I would want a homebirth. I had thought about it before we conceived this baby, but really hadn't done any research.

Then I started reading, and was increasingly dissatisfied with my CNM's "hospital policy" care. So I made dh read, too. It took months of insisting, but once he read some of the books (and I did the cost comparison) THEN he agreed to look for a homebirth midwife.

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth convinced my dh! Isn't that book great?? I lent it to my Mom (who is vehemently opposed to homebirth). I haven't heard back from her. She probably burned my book.

I also loved reading Henci Goer's The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth . I'm reading Gentle BIrth Choices right now.

 

[yaboobarb]

There is also a video with the "gentle birth choices" book. It shows a bunch of awesome gentle births.

I would also bring your husband on an interview to the midwife. Meeeting her would do wonders and he can ask his own questions to reslove his fears.

When your husband finds out some FACTs, he would be only too happy to seek alternatives with you. In NJ, our ceaseraean section rate in 1 in 3!!!! Also, all of the area hospitals take the baby away for a minimum of 4 hours!!! Etc, Etc.

Your midwife should be able to share data with your husband so he can be more informed and feel better about this. I would also suggest that you tour the local hospital/ birthing center after meeting a few midwives. There will be a sharp contrast betwwn the gentle birth and a medicalized one for him to consider. Be sure to ask the hospital its c/ section rates as well as ask you OBGYN! Then ask you midwife HER c/ section rate.

Good luck!
Barb

 

[bklynmum]

Hi there,

I was surprised when my Dh agreed to a HB. It was a bit of a last minute thing for me. My DD delivery was a nightmare and very scary. We were at a birth center and it all went wrong, resulting in baby resus and more than a week in the NICU. When I found out I was pregnant again I made the desicion to have the full on hospital birth. I didn't want to take any risks. Then at about 23 weeks I had a bleed, I paniced and went to the hospital where we would deliver and DH, DD and I sat there with all the monitors and machines. We read all the posters on the walls and freaked out about the medical intervention. I decided then that I would look into home birth. I started by calling some independent midwives. They were so helpful and very happy to answer my questions on the phone with no commitment required. From the Independent midwives association I was able to get the names of many people who were helpful.

DH was already on side after our hospital experience. When I told him that I would like to consider the HB, he was hesitant and uneducated. After our first birth he was reluctant. I was fortunate enough to meet a midwife who was very pro hb and wanted to help me through the greif from my first birth. (Here in England HB is on the public heath system - FREE!!!)

I didn't really believe we were going to be at home right up until the last minute. It was a bit strange not to have to worry about going anywhere or taking anything....and when the midwives left we were just sitting on our couch with a baby...we looked at each other and wondered what to do....

HB is a wonderful thing for you and your family. I hope that you can help your DH learn about your reasons for wanting it and educate him on the history of birthing...women have been doing it forever and most of the time at home....

I found some great books that helped me to decide.

Birthing from Within, by Pam England.
Spiritual Midwifery

Any books by Shelia Kitzinger? She is a big HB advocate....

Good Luck...

B

 

[BirthTeacher3]

I don't know about other midwives, but ours has a mandatory initial meeting... she spends about an hour discussing the whole HB thing, answering questions, telling what will happen during pregnancy and birth as regards to her services... so on and so forth. She does not take any answers at this appointment simply because she expects the couple to talk and make the decision together. Maybe just an initial open meeting fot DH would be a start.... just to keep an open mind.

 

[LizD]

interview at least a few mws- in my experience most folks feel much better about hb when they realize the mw doesn't just carry a pair of scissors for the cord! when they (read: obstinate husbands) realize the mw has no interest in anyone dying, and is a medical professional who has protocols for transfer, they usually end up feeling great about it.

most people don't understand me when i say i am getting *better* medical care from my LM than from any OB out there, but it is absolutely true. I was so much safer in her hands than if i'd been in anyone else's care.

i've said this a lot and i don't mean to offend, but for me it isn't a husband's decision. but i am not the nicest person.

 

[Stacymom]

This situation is really similar to mine. My first birth was highly medicalized, because I wanted it that way and didn't know any better. My second birth, I was determined to do a natural hospital birth, and we ended up having her in the car on the way to the hospital, with my dh catching her. (This little girl turned one today!)

The first few months after her birth, I was terrified at the thought of a homebirth because the experience with my dd's birth was so out of control, frantic, unexpected and even scary. I didn't think I could ever handle a home birth because delivering in the car was such a scary thing! I've done lots of thinking about it since then though, and I would love, love, love to have a homebirth the next time around. My dh is dead set against the idea, and won't even listen to me talk about it. I think he's afraid of things going desperately wrong and not being able to get to the hospital in time, or having to deliver the baby himself again (he did great the first time...), and he's also mentioned not wanting to clean up the mess. What is it with men and being sqeamish about that?

The way I look at it, the chances are very slim that an ob would be supportive of me wanting to go into labor on my own again, given that I was only in real labor for about 45 min- 1 hr. Even my very pro-natural childbirth Dr who is as hands-off as you can imagine insists that I have an induction next time. Chances are good that I will have another precipitous birth, we will have to be prepared to deliver the baby ourselves anyway, and if we have a midwife there to help us through it, and a homebirth is planned, I imagine that a lot of the chaos and fear that was so present before wouldn't even be an issue. It's really interesting to think about though. If I would have known that my baby was coming so fast, I definitely would have stayed home and had an unintentional hb!

I wish all of us luck in slowly turning our dh's around!