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<p>When my son was born still May 11, 2006, I just went on with life. He was early too. But, there was so much drama surrounding the pregnancy and that time in life, I figured I was better off.</p>
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<p>How dumb I was!!!! I feel like screaming! How did I not get it? I started TTC soon after and had several miscarriages. Then I finally had the baby I have now. He started as twins and I lost one. Once he was born, the next morning, I woke up screaming, literally, thinking he was dead as I was no longer pregnant. That baby is 15 months old now. I have had 2 miscarriages since having him. I feel like I was an evil person to take the loss of the baby 4 yrs ago so lightly. He should have been 4 now. He was a sweet little boy. The hospital took pictures and all, as they do with babies born still, so I have all that. I am just miserable. I look at my children and always feel him missing. Sometimes, I feel angry toward the people who made my life difficult during that time (like I had a cyber bully who came after me when I announced I was pregnant, and she was nasty, made things up about me, tracked me down by my IP address, which I am not sure how someone can do that, but she did, turned out she was related to someone who worked for a company affiliated with the website I had posted on so maybe she got my personal info from when I registered there, don't know. But she made my life hell and caused my daughter to lose friends too).</p>
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<p>Anyway, the pain of losing him is so present now. No one else seems to understand how I feel. When I turned 40 a few months ago, I was crying because I felt like I had lost the chance to have more children. But stupid people would tell me how glad I should be to leave that part of my life and how I have enough children and should not want more, and so on. Where do people get off telling someone else how to feel?</p>
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<p>Anyway, I just wanted to post. Thank you.  (and I have had several losses besides that baby, but that has really been bothering me).</p>
 

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<p><span><img alt="candle.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/candle.gif"></span><span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"> I'm so sorry, mama. I lost a baby in May of this year and just "went on with life" too until I lost another baby a couple of weeks ago. A big part of it was because of the way that others reacted to my loss. Grieving is a hard thing to do and even harder when other people steal it from you by overshadowing it or minimizing it. I am sorry that you are being hit so hard with it now but please don't feel guilty for not dealing with it sooner; maybe it's what you needed to do.</span><span><img alt="grouphug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/grouphug.gif"></span></p>
 

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<p>it is never to late to grieve in the way that you need to. You could write him a letter, release a balloon, purchase a book for your other kids (the baby that came before you) honor his memory, etc. Of course you don't have to do those things but if they could help you to heal, to grieve, to let go of the guilt then it is ok to do them even though it is 4 yrs later. It is never too late to start a new tradition. you could do that with all of your losses if you need to. Go easy on yourself as you have already dealt with so much. Everyone deals with grief differently. Do what YOU need to do to heal. Hang in there.</p>
 
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