Mothering Forum banner
1 - 20 of 21 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
459 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi mamas,
This is partly vent/needing a hug and partly asking advice. My ex has been asking me for over a month about cutting our DS's hair. He just turned one. And yes, it was long. And adorable. I was very very clear with him that this was a very big deal to me and that I would do it, though probably just trim his bangs at 1st (so he could see!). I told him that later if he wanted haircuts to be a father/son thing, that was fine, but this 1st one was my territory. Well, yesterday, while I was completely swamped at work he sent a text message to my cell phone saying he was taking DS for a haircut. When I got it I texted him back immediately, then called his cell phone, then called his house phone and left messages all 3 ways telling him not to do it, repeating how important this was to me and that I planned to get his bangs trimmed the next day. I even finally called the barber shop where I knew he would go, prefaced my request with, "I know this is going to sound crazy..." but I had missed them. When I reached the barber they had already left. He got my baby a VERY SHORT haircut.

I am FURIOUS. And absolutely devastated. I actually cried at work. I don't even think I cried at work through this whole messy horrible divorce. I cannot believe he did this. I don't think he has any idea what a line he crossed. And he was a complete jerk to me about it. And it was punishment. If anyone read my post a while back, we had a difference of opinion about DS's birthday weekend and I "won" so to speak because of the way our divorce agreement was worded. He can't stand to not get his way and this was payback.

Can any of you get what a huge deal this is? I know... it's a haircut. It's not abuse, feeding him food he's allergic to or anything like that. But I can't even begin to describe just how awful I feel. I left my baby that morning and had no idea all his adorable little baby curls were going to be gone when I got home. It was so cruel and unfair. How am I supposed to trust and cooperate and "co-parent" with someone who goes behind my back and completely disprespects my wishes like that? And, you know what? I don't like the haircut. I have custody. Shouldn't I get to decide (until DS is old enough to decide for himself) what haircut my child is walking around with? It doesn't seem right that he should just be able to go and do this whenever he wants? Is is absolutely certifiably insane for me to call my lawyer and find out if I can prevent him from doing this again?

I can't even talk about this without crying...

He is having pictures done tomorrow and wanted his son to look a certain way. It is SOOOO tempting to dye his hair blue tonight!!!


And NOTHING I say to ex has any impact at all. He just rolls his eyes at me. I don't even know what to do. I really feel like I need to be HEARD. He just does what he wants when he wants and gets away with it.

Please... anything anyone can say here....
Thank you.
I'm sorry if this sounds silly in the face of what some of you are going through right now.
Robin
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,925 Posts
, I know EXACTLY how you feel!

My ex cut dd1's hair once, well, his mom did, after I explicitly told him it was none of his business. My mama fury came out. It's just not his territory...now he does respect it.

I'm so sorry you lost that experience. I think there was a mama on here who was in a similar predicament with two sons, and her ex kept getting them buzz cuts. It was such a power/control thing, and for some of these men, they use the poor child as a tool.

I hope it doesn't happen again...I'm not sure what's the best way to respond, my ex managed to back off, but others would just enjoy the method of upsetting you...I hope that you find the right path, or the right peace.


: and no baby lock of hair even??
:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Oh Mama!!!


You have every right to be mad at him. His behavior is so pathetic. And for what.. pictures? You've got to be kidding me. *sigh* it's like you let them know what's important to you and out of spite- your sons hair got cut just to get back at you. very mature.


My ex is the opposite way. I wanted to know if i could trim DDs hair so I asked him and he said there is nooo way in heck. That was the end of the dicussion. If he's not ready, than we'll just let it grow.

I can't believe your ex would do smething like that. I'm so sorry.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,219 Posts
I would be so very upset if my X or my husband took our children in for a hair cut.

Both of my boys have these very blonde, big loopy curls that look horrid when cut short.. lots of cow licks and funky spots, but ADORABLE when longish.

So put a little jello on his hair tonight... If his hair is short enough, a little blue rasberry jello would be easy enough to cut out in the next month or so, not be toxic.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,000 Posts
hugs!!!
I know it hurts. Maybe the fact that ds will likely really do an interesting cut on his own will help.

Even the outrageous cuts my dd did were kind of amusing after the shock wore off.

But yeah, ex got homeade gack stuck in dd hair and we had to cut it off practically at the scalp. People wonder what happened to her...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
101 Posts
It's bad enough he went against your wishes but if that was his very 1st cut

He took that away from you.

My DD's first haircut I had the dresser put a couple pieces in a booklet -

No-you have every right to be upset.

All I can do is wish you


Sandra
Mom to Stephanie 8/5/2004
: and cat Lillith
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,854 Posts
You have every right to be upset - and you should talk to your lawyer and at least have this documented. He went against your explicit instructions, what else will he go against your wishes on? I would be LIVID
: Not to mention he took something very special away from you - being at his first haircut and getting a lock of his hair.

I'm really sorry this happened and I wouldn't let it go without doing something to ensure that this doesn't happen again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,062 Posts
Oh mama
I get what you're saying
My dd's hair is very long and recently it's been falling in her face because she keeps pulling her bows and hair ribbons out
I am paranoid that ex will cut her hair and I'll miss that First Haircut experience. I'm so worried about it that I hope to get out and get it cut before he does. After reading your post, I may go do that today.

I'm so sorry and the tears you cry are justified. I know I'd cry, too. I hope you can make peace with this soon.

Oh, (I'm pretty sure you were venting about this but) I would not put color in your ds's hair just to get back at ex. It's a bad idea on quite a few levels.

 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,592 Posts
Oh Robin, I'm so sorry
I would have lost it on ex (out of DS's earshot/eyesight, of course). My ds has long blond curls. Absolutely gorgeous. And ex hates them. From around 15 months until after his 2nd birthday ex was bugging me to cut his hair into a "boy cut" and even threatened to do it himself. Fortunately ex only had visits around ex's mom and ex's mom knew if Owen came home without his curls I would NOT be playing nicely anymore (her (supervised) visits with ds, without ex, were completely dependant on whether I wanted to grant them or not). She knew better than to screw with me so made sure ex didn't cut it. I finally gave ds a trim a couple months after his 2nd birthday, but for now we've kept the longish blond curls. Just trimming them when they start to get in his face


I would make sure to record what happened. Maybe don't call your lawyer now, but if he makes a habit of delibrately doing what you've asked him not to then give lawyer a call.

Just out of curiosity- do you 2 have joint custody or do you have sole custody? If you have joint custody it might be a bit harder to get anyone to listen to something like this, since he would have say in all these parenting things.

 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,550 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jster View Post
, I know EXACTLY how you feel!

My ex cut dd1's hair once, well, his mom did, after I explicitly told him it was none of his business. My mama fury came out. It's just not his territory...now he does respect it.
Ds has gorgeous, curly blond hair. He had his first haircut at 3 and then didn't need another (I thought). Ex knew what a big deal haircuts were for me, but showed up with ds at my mom's house one day having had all of his hair hacked off by some run-of-the-mill barber. He did a HORRIBLE job. I saw him and my face must have fallen because ds looked very worried. So, I had to put on my best fake smile, tell him he looked wonderful, then go into the other room and sob. Ex came in and, finally, saw that it really was a big deal to me - that I wasn't just making an issue of it for nothing. He's left it to me since then, thankfully. Now, I'm just careful to not let ds' hair get in his eyes, because that's a sticking point for his dad.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,964 Posts
You have a right to be upset. My ex did this to my DAUGHTER when she was 2 years old. She had gorgeous hair, and he brought her back to me and it was cropped off like a boys. Not even a girls short cut. It was buzzed.
: I cried. I saw stars. I was furious. I have pictures of her botched chopped up hair cut. And to make it worse, he had his mother cut it.
: The ex MIL that made my life hell.

I know how you feel. And I'm so sorry he was petty and did this just to hurt you. Because really, there is no other reason for it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
430 Posts
UGH! I can understand because my X-MIL gave me my DD her 1st birthday cake while I was out of the room. She didn't even get pictures or video. I was passing the cake out and walked in and DD was at a highchair eating the cake.

My X is also very spiteful and childish.

I'm so sorry. I don't have any great suggestions.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
702 Posts
Ugh....that's pathetic that he would do that! I am so sorry for you!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
459 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Oh... thank you all so much for your kind words and personal experiences and hugs and support. It really helps.
I am still so sad about this. And the more I think about it, the more angry I get. What right does he have to just go do whatever he wants to DS when I EXPLICITLY told him not to???
I restrained myself and did not dye his hair! I would just be stooping to his level and using DS to get back at him. I just tried to get some satisfaction out of the thought of doing it!

I have sole physical custody (though joint legal). I did email my lawyer to ask if there is anyway I can prevent him from doing this again. Haven't heard back yet. But I'm not hopeful. Really... you'd think 2 people would be able to work out haircuts, for goodness sake!
I wish I knew how to say anything that would have any impact at all on ex. Nothing I say has any impact. I really feel like I need him to understand how seriously he betrayed my trust... what a big deal this was... how completely and utterly wrong it was... I don't know what I'm thinking. This is a man who walked out on me while I was pregnant b/c he was having an affair with his former high school student and never once apologized. He is SO caught up in what he deserves, what he is entitled to, what he feels as though he missed out on b/c of me?!?
Sorry... I'm ranting. It just feels so overwhelming at times... how are we going to get through this when he has no regard or respect for me, my feelings, my wishes... ???
And my baby has no hair!!!! He looks like such a big boy.


Anyway... thank you all. You are so kind and wonderful. You really help.
xoxoxoxo
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,101 Posts
UGH! I can understand because my X-MIL gave me my DD her 1st birthday cake while I was out of the room. She didn't even get pictures or video. I was passing the cake out and walked in and DD was at a highchair eating the cake.

QUOTE]

Ex did this to me! And of course I was the one MAKING the cake, and was slaving away in the kitchen when he did it.

To the OP, that would make me livid, too. I felt badly enough when ex got our son a haircut about a month ago. Now, it wasn't his first haircut or anything, so not quite the same. But he did get him nearly a buzz cut...our son's hair was never long but I am certainly not into the military look! And I could deal with it once, except then two weeks after he said in front of our son and me, "let's go to the barber again"....so apparently he wants to maintain this buzz look. I said No, our son's hair was still very, very short, so of course ex rolled his eyes (in front of our son) and sulked out loud, "Well I guess we can't go,", in a way that was disrespectful to me.

At least he didn't go that time; I guess I have to look at the bright side. Maybe your ex got this out of his system for now. But you know what, it doesn't hurt to ask your lawyer about your rights, even regarding this. If an ex is depriving you of the normal pleasures of motherhood, you have every right to make an issue of that. Hugs to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
702 Posts
I just HAD to post to say that your son is adorable, incorrigible! I love his hair!
 
1 - 20 of 21 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top