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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Some background...my ex boyfriend broke up with me 4 weeks after I gave birth. Our son is now 6 months old. My ex lives many miles away and travels to us every other weekend. He visits in my home 4 hours a day with our son, fri, sat, sun. I haven't been working this whole time because I am in school. My parents are letting us stay with them until I finish my bachelors.<br><br>
I used to be a professional snowboarder and it is one of the things Iam most passionate about in my life. It gives me great joy. I can teach it, and I got a job this winter to do precisely that. One day a week I will be teaching. They require me to teach one weekend day a week. So I chose friday. It is an hour and a half away from my town.My family has a cabin up in the mountains where we will stay thursday and friday nights.<br><br>
My ex is LIVID. Says i am selfish, spoiled, i am unwillling to comprimise. this is what I have offered:<br><br>
He stay with me at our cabin, in his own room.<br>
He use my car (because i will be getting a ride up there) to come up.<br>
Free lift tickets to use when he isn't with our son.<br>
He can bring friends with to be more comfortable.<br><br>
But none of this works for him. He doesn't want me doing this, and I am furious. I have done everything but give up my passion. I don't know what else to do. Anyone have any suggestions?
 

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Do what you need to do for yourself. Just because you had a child with the man DOES NOT give him control of your life.<br><br>
You are being more than reasonable, IMO he is acting like a spoiled child.
 

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It sounds to me as though you are very willing to compromise. A free place to stay, free skiing, your car, friends... goodness gracious! I think you are extremely generous.<br><br>
I don't think you should give this up. I do agree with fostering his relationship with your DS, but it sounds like you are already doing that. And you can't do it at the cost of your own livlihood and passion. That's not best for DS or you.<br><br>
My opinion is that you should hold your ground. You have given him every opportunity to see DS. It is up to him whether he takes you up on it or not.<br><br>
So he'd still be able to see DS on Sat and Sun even if he doesn't go up to the cabin, right? IF and only IF it works for you and you think it's not too long of a stretch for DS, could you offer that he can stay and extra hour or 2 on Sat and Sun and skip Fridays for the season?<br><br>
Good luck. I'm sorry he is dampening your excitement. Sounds like a great opportunity for you.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Medusa</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9928118"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Do what you need to do for yourself. Just because you had a child with the man DOES NOT give him control of your life.<br><br>
You are being more than reasonable, IMO he is acting like a spoiled child.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
Honestly, you are far more accomodating than I would be, if I were in your shoes.
 

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He doesn't get to tell you where to live or work!<br><br>
Yikes, I would be so mad.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you all for validating my feelings. I thought he was crossing the line, but he has a way of making me feel like anything I want for ME is selfish especially if it conflicts with what he wants. He makes me doubt my convictions. I am struggling with fostering a relationship between our son and him, and still protecting myself and my right to have the life I choose. We have no court ordered agreement, he isn't even on my sons birth certificate.<br><br>
The balance between making my son available to my ex to have a relationship and still being the free spirit I am is sooooo hard. I am really having a difficult go wrapping my mind around it. My ex is very passive aggressive. I am afraid of making a parenting plan and then later being held to the agreement because I don't know what our lives are going to be like-I am in serious transition right now. I have no set plan for our future, I only think in months, not years. I'm sorry I am not making much sense right now, I just have a million things on my mind. Has anyone gone through this, making a parenting plan for a young child whos father you basically have never been with during the life of the child? I would really appreciate the insight. TIA.
 

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We kept our agreement really open. For instance, it says the boys will spend weekends with their dad, when they feel comfortable/ready/want to. We also have a lot of room for change in our agreement, because, things change a lot in the course of a child's lifetime.<br><br>
Do what works best for you. His behavior cannot get to you unless you let it.<br><br>
Have fun on the slopes!!!
 

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YOU HAVE TO DO THIS! As Mama's sometimes we give up the things that brought us joy before children because we think we can't find the time, or that we can't cause we'll be taking time away from our children, or because other's tell us that we can't now because we are parents. It's all BS. Being involved in activities that make us happy, while being parents is what makes a better parent. If you constantly give, never fill up, eventually you will be empty and have nothing to give.<br><br><br>
Honey you get your a$$ out there and snowboard your heart out. If your ex wants to be a baby about it, that's HIS CHOICE. Rock on Mama! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumbsup.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbsup">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MsChatsAlot</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9930961"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">We kept our agreement really open. For instance, it says the boys will spend weekends with their dad, when they feel comfortable/ready/want to. We also have a lot of room for change in our agreement, because, things change a lot in the course of a child's lifetime.<br></div>
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Don't mean to hijack the post, but wow, that's great you have that language. We are still working under the "belief" that the girls should be spending at least one overnight with dad per week and the child psych really encourages more than that, and eow ...<br><br>
And my older dd hates it. She doesn't like being away from me at night and she hates her father's pest hole of an apt. (nice place; he's just a hoarder) ... so, at age 7 maybe she shouldn't be forced to go?<br><br>
Ok, back to the original poster -- You are very accomodating (sound like me)--take the job and he can chose to follow up on your offer.<br><br>
M
 

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you sound far mopre generous than I would be. he should be jumping for joy that he gets such a sweet deal. if he doesn't want to see your son on Fridays then he doesn't have to. there is no order stating that you have to do anything.<br><br>
You are a full time mother and student. Not only will this job be a little boost for you financially but the boost it will be to you mentally and physically will be great for your son. if this is what you need to do then you really need to do it.
 

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I just wanted to share this quote that has been a mantra to me as a single mother.<br><br><b>"Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent." Jung - from The Development of Personality</b><br><br>
When I'm having trouble letting myself do something that's important <b>me</b>, I have to remind myself that becoming a martyr doesn't benefit <i>me or my child</i>.
 

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I agree that you are being much more generous than I would be, or seems called for. Holy smokes, girl. Be very careful not to sort of...."meet him halfway" in terms of your *thinking*, do you know what I mean? I have that tendency with my stbx. His logic is very irrational, and i have had a tendency to sort of bridge that gap by kind of taking on his view so that there's less dissonance. I am not sure if that is making any sense, but I am glad you are here for reality checks. Your job is to soul search, make a real honest assessment of your son's needs to see his dad and what you can truly offer, and then that's it: your offer and your boundary. Just because we set a boundary does not mean the other person has to like it. That's not our stuff. Hold onto your truth here, do not bend over backwards to accomodate his distorted view of his entitlement, and GO! Your life is now, and as medusa wisely said, your son needs you to live your truth.
 

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Keep your boundaries and keep making healthy changes as they come that give your baby a mother with a balanced, healthy life. YOU are the primary parent. You are not making it harder for him to do his part. He chose to leave you and move far away. You are sticking with your baby and raising him....and having something that you do to earn money and happen to enjoy does not TAKE anything away from your son. Whether it takes away from your ex is irrelevant as long as you are not breaking your parenting agreement.<br><br>
Do you really want him spending the weekend with you?<br><br>
Sounds like it's a good thing you guys are not together anymore and that he is emotionally abusive in some insidious ways.<br><br>
Enjoy the snow!
 

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And I just re-read what you offered him and have some more questions:<br><br>
Do you really want him driving your car and having that kind of control over your stuff?<br><br>
Do you really want to host his friends and open the door to unlimited demands for hosting and entertaining and having these people around your baby?<br><br>
Would you be comfortable with saying something like this? "I have a new job on Fridays and so we need to make a change in your time with the baby. Here are some choices: 1) you could come up to the cabin to see him on Fridays or 2) you can see him for 6 hours on Saturday and 6 hours on Sunday or 3) we can talk about some other options...."
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>NeivaKai</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9929301"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I thought he was crossing the line, but he has a way of making me feel like anything I want for ME is selfish especially if it conflicts with what he wants. He makes me doubt my convictions.</div>
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I know how you feel, my x does the same thing with me- at least now that we arent together i can say- too friggin bad!! LOL<br>
(he especially does this with breast feeding, he thinks we should stop because it makes it harder for him to take her overnight and i say NO FRIGGIN WAY)<br><br>
I agree with the rest of the ladies, tell him if he doesnt like it then he can beat feet and see her a different day or extended time on the other days. You are going way above and beyond in accomadating him.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>NeivaKai</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9929301"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
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The balance between making my son available to my ex to have a relationship and still being the free spirit I am is sooooo hard. I am really having a difficult go wrapping my mind around it. .</div>
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Why is it hard for you? Having visitation with your son and sticking his nose in where it doesn't belong are completely mutually exclusive. Repeat after me....: "we are not in a relationship, my job choices ( or lifestyle choices or partner choices) are none of your concern now. You lost the ability to have any sway in my life when you left. We are now finished discussing my _____ choices. " If he continues to harass you about this then end the visit and tell him he needs to leave. He will get the point really freaking fast that this behavior will not be tolerated. I try very hard to foster a healthy relationship between my sons and their fathers, but hell will freeze over before they tell me where I can work. Sounds to me like your ex is being a consumate control freak, and control freaks can only control when others allow them to play their game. I know this is far easier said then done, but don't play into his crap. Don't tolerate it. Don't allow it. He can only control your choices if he lets you. He only has power over you if you care about what he thinks. Do yourself and your son a gigantic favor and stop caring.
 
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