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DS told me yesterday about going to the PTA fund raiser concert last week and they "were on the list" meaning my ex was on the guest list. This chaps my hide, because, first it's a fund raiser for DS's school and ex can certainly afford the $10 to see three international touring acts <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: .<br><br>
But the big one, the real reason I felt a pit in my stomach, was, well, he's cool and popular, and I'm not. Never have been. But when we were together, I did bask in his reflected popularity, got to hang with the cool kids. And I made some genuine friends in the process. Now we're apart, I have few friends here (we moved), while he continues his golden boy lifestyle. His work yields him a certain hip factor, and gets him invited to parties and events. The website for his company is like a tribute to him, with lots of admiring text and over 20 years worth of photos of him.<br><br>
I try to remind myself of his narcissism, the way he'll interrupt a conversation and start talking about himself. About his depression, and substance issues and anger and just general unhappiness.<br><br>
But he's still popular and getting invited to parties. And I'm not.<br><br>
How do I deal with this?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>WatermelonSnow</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7955016"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">But he's still popular and getting invited to parties. And I'm not.<br><br>
How do I deal with this?</div>
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boy. i don't have any really helpful suggestions but i know that if my mate and i ever separated he'd be the one with all the friends. hell, most of my friends e-mail him instead of me. it sucks. it sucked in high school and it sucks now. the only thing i would recommend is to try to force yourself to do your own thing. meet new groups. get a hobby. all that typical usual stuff.<br><br>
good luck!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>WatermelonSnow</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7955016"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
I try to remind myself of his narcissism, the way he'll interrupt a conversation and start talking about himself. About his depression, and substance issues and anger and just general unhappiness.<br><br>
But he's still popular and getting invited to parties. And I'm not.<br><br>
How do I deal with this?</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> That must be very difficult! But at least you have the first step down - realizing that being "popular" does not equate happiness. You know he's unhappy, but it is still difficult to feel like an outsider when he gets so much attention.<br><br>
I guess I would say that you could fill your life with meaningful activities, whatever that would be for you. It might be gardening, volunteering, church activities, writing - whatever gets you in touch with <i>you</i> - because I can guarantee you that getting invited to a lot of parties and being on the guest list does not a meaningful life make, KWIM?
 

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I think you need to let it go -- all of it. (I know this is easy to say than to do, but I also know that it can be done). Rather than thinking about him and his life, think about your life. Think about what you have to be grateful for right this minute, and start to dream about what you want your life to be like.<br><br>
You say that you feel this in the pit of stomach. That is the personal power chakra. Claim your personal power by starting to make your life the way you want it to be.<br><br>
I highly recommend the books "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay, which is a good all purpose self help book and can be found in any bookstore in the self help section, and "Ask and It is Given" by Hicks, which is a book about choosing thoughts that feel good. I used this book to heal depression, and it can be found in the metaphysical section of any book store.<br><br>
I know that you are in a lot of pain right now, but I also know that you are an amazing and wonderful person with the power to make any thing you want from your life. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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Of course you're cool - you just don't know it yet. No need to be jealous of the ex, since you are your own brand of awesome. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I like Linda's book suggestions, and I'd like to also suggest the works of Barbara Sher. She's awesome - her main thing is wishes and obstacles "I'd like to do X, but I can't because of Y". Once you identify what is holding you back, you can start to break it down so you can get through it. Very effective approach!<br><br>
Best wishes to you on this journey!
 

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I'm pretty much used to it though<br><br>
I actually really LIKE (and even love) a lot of uncool people.<br><br>
Cool people are exciting, that's for sure but there is the whole issue of "hangers-on" who want to be around them because they want cool friends.<br><br>
But yeah, it would be very hard to lose part of your social circle.
 

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Hmm...most people would say I was the "cool outgoing one" in the relationship. Just because of my outgoing personality. BUT, in no way is my husband and his more laid back and inverted personality a bad thing (other than his tend towards lack of physical activity...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/duck.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Duck">: ). It's just different.<br><br>
Popularity was some school age concept that is left behind when you get out of high school in my experience. I was not popular in the traditional sense, but I have always been an outspoken freethinker. I never much cared what people thought of me...probably was why I wasn't "popular" in the sense of a "click set about for conformity".<br><br>
We're all different people, we all have different strengths and weaknesses. Accept and love who you are and find out your passions.<br><br>
You need to embrace your strengths and your passions and go with it. Quite honestly, who cares WHAT your EX does really.<br><br>
If you want to be more social, then get out there. Once you're part of that scene people will embrace you...I'm sure of it!
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Thanks, all, for your thoughtful responses. I especially appreciate the book recommendations. Anjelika, thanks especially for the first line of your post, and your book recommendation really hits on what I need to work on. I really need to quell that part of me that says, "Yes, that's a lovely idea, but..." Always with the but, the perceived obstacle.<br><br>
My jealousy issue really goes beyond just the popularity and guest lists. Since we split, he's been the golden boy. He's living his dream life, things are handed to him left and right, and there people both in his personal and professional life that are taking care of the niggling details of being an adult that, left to his own devices, he'll just let slide. But I have this thought, that the universe is really supporting my ex in this way for the sake of our son. My ex really is ill-equipped to handle life as most adults can. He really cannot survive without all these supports and people doing his dirty work for him. So, the universe sends him these nannies so that he can be a reasonably sound father to our son.<br><br>
Still working on the letting go part.
 

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I think you need to spend less time thinking about what is going on in his life and get buzy with your own life.<br><br>
What you are going to do to this weekend to be good to yourself?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Linda on the move</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7975686"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think you need to spend less time thinking about what is going on in his life and get buzy with your own life.<br><br>
What you are going to do to this weekend to be good to yourself?</div>
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Well, I dressed up as a blue butterfly and attended an outdoor event w/DS <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> .<br><br>
And this weekend I'm having a yard sale and making sure I exercise all four of the days DS will be at his dad's.<br><br>
You're right, I do need to get busy with my own life. There is lots of "that would be nice, but....", as ex's choices have directly affected my ability to pursue the things I love most.
 
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