[talk de jour]

Okay, I have a livejournal. It's public, but you can't find it by, say, searching on my first and last names. I only share it with the friends I choose to. I shared it with my fiance once, a long time ago, and didn't give him the web address- just let him read some entries he was curious about.

He doesn't care about online privacy, and I have all his passwords, but I don't give him mine -- it's just a pet peeve of mine to have someone looking over my shoulder or at my files/history when I'm not around.

Well, last night I was out from about 2:30-5:30. I got home about an hour (I think) after he did. (he works a job that can last anywhere between noon and 8 pm, so I don't know exactly.) He got out of the shower right as I was stepping in the door, kind of acting like he'd just gotten home.

Fast forward today. He brought home a 12-pack of beer yesterday that was a different brand than usual, and I saw one of the (empty) beers on the computer desk. The browser was still up, so out of idle curiosity I peeked in the history.

Yesterday at 4:42, my LJ -- several hits, including what looked like attempted logins? and then after that, porn.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to think about that... I mean, I feel irritated, but is that wrong?? Is what he did okay, am I overreacting, or what??

 

[pumpkin]

Looking at a website? That isn't remotely private, even if you don't go out of your way to share its existence. You just don't have the right to be upset about that.

Actually trying to log into your account. That is really odd and I'd be mad. I'd want to find out if he really did try to log in or if you are just interpreting the history that way.

 

[Alare]

Quote:

The browser was still up, so out of idle curiosity I peeked in the history.

I think--out of idle curiosity--he wanted a peek at what you'd posted.

Quote:

it's just a pet peeve of mine to have someone looking over my shoulder or at my files/history when I'm not around.

It seems a bit much to be irritated at him for poking around in what you've been doing when you have no compunction whatsoever against looking around at what he's been doing . . . even if he say he isn't bothered, kwim?

I think you're over-reacting a little. Just ask him if he was trying to access your account to see what you had written and if he did, why. Open the lines of communication. Maybe he was bored . . . or nosey . . . or feeling that things were distant between the two of you and went looking for and explanation.

And if you want your boundaries respected, respect his (even if he doesn't ask for it).

(And I know "voice tone" can come across as snarkiness on amessage board. This was not my intention at all--just giving my honest opinion.)

 

[talk de jour]

Okay... I called him and asked him if he did....

He COMPLETELY denies looking at it (granted I didn't tell him I looked at his history, I told him I looked at my IP logger)... in fact, went from "I didn't look at anything" to "Um I might have looked at my computer" to "well I looked at some porn."

I have no idea. *sigh*

 

[talk de jour]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alare And if you want your boundaries respected, respect his (even if he doesn't ask for it).

Well, thing is, we have an agreement that I can *and will* look at his stuff -- because he has a history of infidelity.

 

[Alare]

Quote:

Originally Posted by talk de jour Well, thing is, we have an agreement that I can *and will* look at his stuff -- because he has a history of infidelity.

Ah, then this is a horse of a different color.

 

[alegna]

IMO if you can look at his stuff, he can look at yours.

-Angela

 

[talk de jour]

***

 

[SusanElizabeth]

If it's posted on the internet, anyone can read it. I don't think what he did was wrong.

 

[alegna]

Quote:

Originally Posted by talk de jour With all due respect, I didn't send emails to Craigslist hookers and cheat on my wife three times while I was married.

If you don't trust him, then don't trust him. There is no middle ground in a good relationship.

If he wants to cheat on you and hide it, he'll cheat on you and hide it

-Angela

 

[Katie Bugs Mama]

Is looking at your public blog a problem? No, not at all. Is lying about it a problem? Yep.

Given this:

Quote:

Originally Posted by talk de jour With all due respect, I didn't send emails to Craigslist hookers and cheat on my wife three times while I was married.

he obviously has had problems with being honest in past relationships. Given that he pretty clearly lied to you about having looked at your blog, he still has honesty issues. If he would lie about something as mundane as reading your blog, I doubt that he would hesitate to lie about something important.

So, the question becomes: why would you want to marry/be with someone who you obviously can't (and don't) trust? That's a waaaay bigger issue that whether or not he read your blog.

 

[skai]

If it's a password protected blog/journal and he found out your password and then snooped - bad.

If it's just a normal blog out there with no password protection or extra security, well, then it's on the Internet, everyone and their dog will be reading it anyway.

 

[GuildJenn]

I'm all for privacy, but this whole dynamic is a bit weird to me.

If your LJ isn't friends-only then I think the fact that you don't want him reading it is a problem already.

If you're willing to share something with the whole Internet and not the person who is supposed to be your life partner I guess I would have to wonder why? Is that really the person you want to share your life with??

Then when I read that he's cheated and you're not married yet and so on... and that you felt you had to see if he was lying... and then he lied... why is it that you want to permanently commit to this particular relationship?

 

[talk de jour]

Quote:

Originally Posted by GuildJenn I'm all for privacy, but this whole dynamic is a bit weird to me. If your LJ isn't friends-only then I think the fact that you don't want him reading it is a problem already. If you're willing to share something with the whole Internet and not the person who is supposed to be your life partner I guess I would have to wonder why? Is that really the person you want to share your life with?? Then when I read that he's cheated and you're not married yet and so on... and that you felt you had to see if he was lying... and then he lied... why is it that you want to permanently commit to this particular relationship?

I just think it's weird that he looked at it. If he had said "hey I want to read your LJ" as in the past, I would not have a problem with it. But he's not interested in online communities and such at ALL, so it was just kind of weird that he read it and then lied about it.

FTR, he has not cheated on me and said the very thought of doing so completely disgusts him

:

I love him, and he loves me, and that and our relationship is not up for debate here.

 

[Porcelain Interior]

Methinks he's up to no good again and he wanted to read your journal to see if you've grown suspicious or are blogging/journaling about him.

He's trying to see if you know things...

That's what I think.

 

[talk de jour]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior Methinks he's up to no good again and he wanted to read your journal to see if you've grown suspicious or are blogging/journaling about him. He's trying to see if you know things... That's what I think.

I don't see where he would have the time, though, he never gets odd phone calls or texts (we share a cell phone, and I use the "recent calls" list to call people back a lot, and you can't edit that) etc... I mean, seriously, unless he's meeting up randomly with no phone call for half-hour screws during work I don't think it's a possibility LOL.

 

[Porcelain Interior]

Quote:

Originally Posted by talk de jour I don't see where he would have the time, though, he never gets odd phone calls or texts (we share a cell phone, and I use the "recent calls" list to call people back a lot, and you can't edit that) etc... I mean, seriously, unless he's meeting up randomly with no phone call for half-hour screws during work I don't think it's a possibility LOL.

Well it could all be happening online, at work. I'm just saying he's not Mother Theresa, and for some reason he really wants to read your journal.

The question is why? Maybe it is just shame that he snooped, I mean the reason why he won't admit to snooping?

Also I don't understand you say he has infidelity issues, but then you say he hasn't cheated on you?!

I don't get that?

*Oh and you say your relationship and all that is not up for debate, you do realize you're posting in the relationship section of MDC? I guess we're just kind of confused...about your situation? If you think he'd never cheat and everything is hunky-dory why are you posting?

You wrote: I just don't know what I'm supposed to think about that... I mean, I feel irritated, but is that wrong?? Is what he did okay, am I overreacting, or what??

I think everyone has answered in accordance to your questions...

 

[talk de jour]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior Well it could all be happening online, at work. I'm just saying he's not Mother Theresa, and for some reason he really wants to read your journal. The question is why? Maybe it is just shame that he snooped, I mean the reason why he won't admit to snooping? Also I don't understand you say he has infidelity issues, but then you say he hasn't cheated on you?! I don't get that?

I know it's not happening online. He has been online exactly twice in the week we've had internet (we got rid of it for a few months because of financial issues.)

He cheated on his ex-wife. Not me.

 

[talk de jour]

Oh, you said online at work. Well, his job doesn't have a computer in it. It's a truck. =P

 

[Porcelain Interior]

Quote:

Originally Posted by talk de jour I know it's not happening online. He has been online exactly twice in the week we've had internet (we got rid of it for a few months because of financial issues.) He cheated on his ex-wife. Not me.

OK, well you seem concerned, and with his past I would really keep an eye out. I guess that would be my opinion. And what he did is wrong, he lied. With his past lying is a big part of his issues- so I'd be leery. That's just me though.