My husband believes he is in charge of inheritence!

1557 Views 47 Replies 38 Participants Last post by choli, Dec 8, 2008

kdescalzi

Discussion Starter · Dec 2, 2008

Hi everyone,

I have a dilemma eating away at me. We just found out we will be receiving a good sum of money from my father-in-law in the next 6 months. Upon hearing the news, dh and I discussed putting the $ towards a larger house as I am prg and we will be needing a 3rd bedroom. However, now that dh has had some discussions with his father my dh has decided to invest the $ instead. I am very upset because we had already begun to look at houses and were making future plans with "our" money. Now dh says that I don't need to worry about the money. I can continue to be a SAHM with our kids and I do not need to worry about money...he has got it under control. When I asked why I didn't have a say in where the money was spent he said because it is his trust account from his father. I explained that as a married couple, it should be considered both ours and we should decide together. He does not see me point at all and we ended up in a huge fight which is where we left it. I cannot make him see how one-sided this seems. He thinks he is providing for the family and I know he can make good financial decisions but does anyone else out there think this is completely unfair?? I feel like crap. I am not even thinking what this means legally because I do think it would be legally considered both ours, but I am more hurt and very offended that he thinks that it is all up to him and I should just stay out of it. Please let me know if I am being unreasonable or is this really unfair.

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BennyPai

· #2 · Dec 2, 2008

I view marriage as an equal partnership in every way. Of course, financial decisions should be shared just as any other decisions. Shame on your dh for treating you as less than an equal partner in your marriage!

rhiandmoi

· #3 · Dec 2, 2008

Legally in most states he'd be right. Inheritances are usually sole and separate property unless it is comingled with joint funds. Now morally, I agree that a marriage is a partnership and all income from whatever sources should be shared.

Maybe you should ask him why he doesn't think a new house is what your family needs right now?

lolar2

· #4 · Dec 2, 2008

Of course you should have equal say.

Do you think he is getting pressure about this from his father? Are there possibly strings attached to the money such that you all will only get it if it is invested, and if you want to buy a house with it the money will be taken away or not given?

mamalisa

· #5 · Dec 2, 2008

I guess I can see it both ways. The money is technically his (depending on how his father has things set up), not yours together. I know this because I specifically set up my will so that if I die, my sister gets my money and her husband can't touch it. Of course she can choose to use it with him and he can try to talk her into using it for their things, but he can't ever actually get the money if they split up or something.

At the same time, if you guys were planning on buying a house and he decided without you to do something different, that's really really crappy and I'd be pissed.

I hope you guys can come to an agreement.

kdescalzi

Discussion Starter · #6 · Dec 2, 2008

I think it is possible that he is being influenced by his father. I do know he gets the money regardless of what he does with it. However, I do believe that his father probably suggested the investment idea. My father-in-law is not someone you really argue with and my husband has a tough time disagreeing with him. Even if my dh changed his mind for my sake, I do not believe he would go against his fathers suggestions. My husband cannot stand up to his father. The problem is is that they agree.. leaving me out of the picture

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Thao

· #7 · Dec 2, 2008

Boy, if your FIL were coming between you and your husband on anything else I would totally agree with you. That you and your husband should make decisions jointly without undue influence from the parents. But this is your FIL's money... that he is giving you as a generous gift... I guess to me that means it is reasonable to respect his wishes (not because you have to but just out of gratitude) about how he would like to see it used. If I were in your dh's shoes I would probably do the same, and my father isn't overbearing at all. I would just want to respect his vision for the money, or not accept it at all.

What does your husband/FIL want the money invested towards? A college fund? Retirement? What is their vision?

ProtoLawyer

· #8 · Dec 2, 2008

Is it possible your FIL is setting up a trust that your husband actually can't control?

My partner has a small trust, and he won't get control of it until his 40th birthday. Until then, someone else manages the investment, and he can draw from it for approved health, educational, and survival-type needs. He can't use it for a house (other than in a dire circumstance, as not to be homeless), he can't spend it on his daughter (or me, or his ex-wife, or anyone else), he can't direct the investment himself.

kdescalzi

Discussion Starter · #9 · Dec 2, 2008

My dh is in full control of the $ on his 35th birthday. He wants to use the money to build some apartments/buildings in the country he is from. We will never live there or even be visiting again with our children....our last visit our ds only 2yrs had to be hospitalized and was very very sick. Dh does not feel comfortable bringing our young children there in the future. His investment ideas do not seem to coincide with our future plans. He is looking at the $ as a way to make more in the very long term where I wanted to use it to get us out of debt and more comfortable now. We were on board with the same plans until his talk with his father. I feel he rather be on his fathers side than mine and I do believe me and the kids should come first over his fathers ideas. I do not want to do anyting stupid with the money, I just want him to truly believe I deserve a say in our future/$. In the end, it is our family that has to be happy, healthy, and still together....long after his fathers time.

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Kappa

· #10 · Dec 2, 2008

I need to be careful of my tone here, but I don't totally understand why you feel entitled to direct husband on the use of the money. My husband received a sum of money after his mother died, HIS inheritance, and his plans for that money were his. Yes, community property and shared marital assets and all that good stuff, but I don't think gifts and inheritances fall in that category at all. I think you should trust your husband, and follow his ideas/dreams for this money, and trust your FIL too! He has accumulated a large sum of money in his lifetime, he might know a thing or two about investing and is interested in your families long-term stability, not just your short term space needs. Also, many immigrants I know from other countries always dream of returning and owning property, businesses, etc. in their home countries to maintain a connection, make life better for people there, or just to show off sometimes! It does not sound odd that he would want to buy real estate even though he never goes back.

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jennlyn

· #11 · Dec 2, 2008

Your dh probably feels he is doing his best for his family and your future and that you should trust him to do so.

Alare

· #12 · Dec 2, 2008

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kappa

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I need to be careful of my tone here, but I don't totally understand why you feel entitled to direct husband on the use of the money. My husband received a sum of money after his mother died, HIS inheritance, and his plans for that money were his. Yes, community property and shared marital assets and all that good stuff, but I don't think gifts and inheritances fall in that category at all. I think you should trust your husband, and follow his ideas/dreams for this money, and trust your FIL too! He has accumulated a large sum of money in his lifetime, he might know a thing or two about investing and is interested in your families long-term stability, not just your short term space needs. Also, many immigrants I know from other countries always dream of returning and owning property, businesses, etc. in their home countries to maintain a connection, make life better for people there, or just to show off sometimes! It does not sound odd that he would want to buy real estate even though he never goes back.

I totally agree with all of this, especially about the investing for everyone's future happiness/stability instead of spending in a short-sighted fashion.

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weliveintheforest

· #13 · Dec 2, 2008

Whether or not his decisions are good ones, it would be much nicer for him to include you

I'd be upset too, not at dh's choice of how to spend the money, but at his attitude.

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ShwarmaQueen

· #14 · Dec 2, 2008

2

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alare

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I totally agree with all of this, especially about the investing for everyone's future happiness/stability instead of spending in a short-sighted fashion.

:

I wouldn't want my family's inheritance put in with the joint account. Mine or his. It's for our kids, but not necessarily for each other's use.

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mamalisa

· #15 · Dec 2, 2008

Quote:

Originally Posted by jennlyn

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Your dh probably feels he is doing his best for his family and your future and that you should trust him to do so.

If he's an otherwise decent guy who takes care of his family and normally considers your opinion, I'd probably let it go. It is his money and if his father is still alive it's probably best to take his wishes into serious consideration. If not dad may change his mind. If him using the money for this investment won't change your financial picture, I'd stop trying to change his mind and start trying to make him understand why you are so upset he made the choice without consulting you.

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kriket

· #16 · Dec 2, 2008

I can see where you would be upset about him making financial decisions without you, but it is his inheritance. I think most, if not all state have ruled this way.

It doesn't mean he can be a jerk about it tho.

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Freefromitall

· #17 · Dec 2, 2008

I can see where you would be upset. You guys had plans and now he's changing them.
I don't know where you live, or what the market is in your area, but could you guys reach a compromise?
$X towards a house and $Y for other investments?

kdescalzi

Discussion Starter · #18 · Dec 2, 2008

Thank-you for all your replies. I see the majority believe that I do not have a say because it is coming from HIS dad to HIM. I do always look at our marriage as "whats yours is mine and whats mine is yours" kind of view. I know it is technically his money but I wanted him to include me in the decision making. I wanted him to say "look at how lucky we are to get this extra money, what should we use it for"?
I know if the situation was reversed, I would never feel it was right to consider it just my money, but ours...kwim?. But thanks again for the different views and a clearer picture of what I am dealing with.

Caneel

· #19 · Dec 2, 2008

Quote:

Originally Posted by lolar2

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Do you think he is getting pressure about this from his father? Are there possibly strings attached to the money such that you all will only get it if it is invested, and if you want to buy a house with it the money will be taken away or not given?

I wonder the same thing. My mom gifts me sum of money on a regular basis on the condition that is only to be used for DS education/savings fund. DH would never thing he was entitled to that money and we are very much "whats mine is yours" type of couple, everything is 100% joint. DH wouldn't question the use of the money as respects her wishes in that is directed for a specific use.

If the father set up the trust I think it must be administered in a specific way as outlined in the trust documents. Your DH may not be able to just take out the money to buy a new house. My knowledge of trusts is very limited but I know some can't be dissolved without tax issues and such.

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CanidFL

· #20 · Dec 2, 2008

I can understand where you are coming from and it's really nice to make financial decisions together but….I agree with PP that this is HIS money from HIS father. He can do what he chooses with it.

I put myself in his situation and I would think similarly. If I got an inheritance anytime soon from my family, I'm sure I would talk to DH about what I would like to do with it and most likely it would benefit our family as a whole but in the end its 100% my decision and I would do what I wanted. At the same time, my DH has a really good financial sense and I would really value his ideas.

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