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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
vent thread. There. You've been warned.

I feel like my husband and I don't really know each other. He has his world and I have mine, with the kids. Our work enables the other to do what we each feel is very important.

I've been looking forward to an upcoming vacation. For the first time, we can go somewhere and NOT have to deal with any of his work colleagues. I, for once, am not along for the ride. I thought I would get to choose where we go, help make decision, etc. The last three years we've gone on vacations where I've had to deal with his colleagues, because we've always attached our vacation to a work event (we save money on airfare and lodgings this way).

He just told me he's booked our hotels and has decided where we will go for at least 2/3 of our trip. He did this without consulting me. I was so hurt and so disappointed. He doesn't understand. I told him we are equals. That our plan was to get there and have an adventure. Stay at hostels and guesthouses. Camp out, even. Yet he's gone ahead and booked expensive places without my consent and without even t elling me where they are.

I want a say in things, damn it!! I dont feel like myself anymore. I don[t want someone dictating to me how my vacation should go. I feel my life is dictated by the kids -- for once, I want a say in things!!!

I am so upset and frustrated, and extremely depressed that dh doesn't get it in the least. If anything, he's pissed at being pissed.
 

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Maybe he thought he was doing something nice?
Or
Maybe he's a controlling jerk?

Either way, I'm sorry that he didn't know how important it was to you to make your trip plans together and on the fly.
 

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I would really discuss your feelings with him.. let him know you need this vacation JUST AS MUCH as he does, and you want it to be something you enjoy as well..
Let him know that you understand that he has his wants for this vacation, but yours need to be tended to aswell.

Perhaps he can cancel some of the hotel rooms... and you can each have 1/2 of the vacation to plan ..

His 1/2 may include things you don't particularly want to do, but you can make up for that with your 1/2...
 

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I personally think its sweet hes doing it as a surprise!

BUT I can see where not asking you or telling you would be a problem, especially if hes controlling.

Talk to him and tell him your thoughts, but do it nicely.

 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
We just had a knockdown, blow out fight. Screaming in front of the kids. He tells me I am playing games. I think he is a controlling f*ckhead. He is the type that has never apologized for anything, always makes it out as though I am the one who has the problem.

i feel so trapped. I'm sorry.
:
:
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by RedWine
We just had a knockdown, blow out fight. Screaming in front of the kids. He tells me I am playing games. I think he is a controlling f*ckhead. He is the type that has never apologized for anything, always makes it out as though I am the one who has the problem.

i feel so trapped. I'm sorry.
:
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My s/o is the same way.. I am always the bad one.. everything I say is always wrong and he is ALWAYS right in his mind..

Try refusing to go on the trip with him and see if he changes his mind...

I know when i refuse to share a bed with my s/o after he treats me like crap, he usually starts to feel bad and eventually says sorry.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Jaydens_mom
My s/o is the same way.. I am always the bad one.. everything I say is always wrong and he is ALWAYS right in his mind..

Try refusing to go on the trip with him and see if he changes his mind...

I know when i refuse to share a bed with my s/o after he treats me like crap, he usually starts to feel bad and eventually says sorry.
But withholding things is just another game... and most men see right through them.

The only things that work for Dh and I is to sit down, no matter how long it takes, regardless of how late we stay up.. and talk things out... even if we don't see eye to eye at least we see where the other is coming from.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by muckemom
But withholding things is just another game... and most men see right through them.

The only things that work for Dh and I is to sit down, no matter how long it takes, regardless of how late we stay up.. and talk things out... even if we don't see eye to eye at least we see where the other is coming from.
I just tried to have another talk with him. We both just blew up again. I have never felt so lonely in my entire life.

i am sorry, mamas. This is a dark day for me. Thank you all for your kind responses. I am too upset to do much of anything right now.
 

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Well, if you do go on this trip, I can almost guarantee it's going to be a miserable time for everybody. You and your husband seem to have totally different ideas as to what you want on a vacation, and it's very unlikely that this will suddenly change when you arrive at the hotel.

I would cancel the trip, save the money, and just put this down as something to remember the next time. I also agree that putting on a show that you don't want to go is manipulative and will only add to his opinion of you.

Or--why don't you and the kids go by yourselves? Or how about HE goes by himself, and you get your 'vacation' at home? Eat in restaurants, get takeout, hire a housekeeper, get a babysitter and take yourself and a friend to the movies or something.

It seems that you have a lot of thinking to do about your relationship with him. I wish you the best of luck with this. Remember that waiting around for people to change usually never works, as does trying to figure out the magical thing you can do which will make it all better again. The sooner you can accept the reality of what's going on here, the sooner you can move on, in whatever direction that it needs to go.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
He's putting our oldest to bed now. After that, we will look at what has been booked. We will see if it fits in with what I want to do. We will move the dates of his bookings, cancel, whatever as needed.

We will just have to accept the fact that he is mad at me and I am mad at and hurt by him. We will just have to move forward.

In answer to a few of the pp's...if either one of us ended up going without the other, I think that would damage our marriage perhaps beyond repair. No, we need to work this out and go together.
 

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Respectful communication is everything. manipulative games are childish and may backfire. You are a grown woman, you need to communicate with your husband on an adult level. You really don't know his motives for going ahead and making plans for the two of you, perhaps as another poster said, he was simply trying to plan a nice surprise? Either way he's not a mind reader, and neither are you, so you need to talk openly and honestly about what it is you need and want. I do hope you can come together and enjoy a much deserved family vacation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
We had a good conversation last night, after the kids were in bed. He shared with me the place he had chosen, and we looked at what was available around it. I shared with him the place/area I was interested in, and we checked that out as well. We are both really interested in both places, and we both really want to check out both places. So we adjusted the schedule so we spend half our time in one place, and half our time in another.

We resolved most everything before we went to bed, and this morning we both feel good about our trip.

Happy ending.


Thanks again for your support, ladies.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by eastcoastmomof2
Respectful communication is everything. manipulative games are childish and may backfire. You are a grown woman, you need to communicate with your husband on an adult level. You really don't know his motives for going ahead and making plans for the two of you, perhaps as another poster said, he was simply trying to plan a nice surprise? Either way he's not a mind reader, and neither are you, so you need to talk openly and honestly about what it is you need and want. I do hope you can come together and enjoy a much deserved family vacation.
yes, I agree with this. I don't think I ever insinuated that either one of us was playing games or acting childish. We got our signals crossed, we're both stressed out and in need of this vacation, and we were both resentful that the other one wouldn't just do what we wanted them to do.


As I wrote above, we worked it out before we went to bed.
 
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