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I just fully came to this realization.<br><br>
I work full time and am the sole breadwinner. He was "laid off" or termianted from a few jobs in a row and he decided to go back to school. It's been 6 years since he worked.<br><br>
I work full time, do all of the cooking and cleaning up from cooking, all of the laundry, change all of the bedsheets, all of the night time parenting - from the second I get home, the baby is handed over to me and I am responsible for him, including overnight (I cosleep). I clean up after myself 99% of the time, meaning, if I take it out I put it back, I clean all of the dishes I use (inlcuding all of the dishes I use to prepare dinner). I do not like clutter, so I don't leave c*ap laying around for my own sanity.<br><br>
He is the SAHParent, he sweeps the carpets and cleans the hardwood floors. He takes care of the lawn (although we have a riding mower, so it doesn't take much energy).<br><br>
We take turns cleaning the bathrooms. We usually do the grocery shopping together.<br><br>
I fully respect that being a SAHP is difficult and a draining job, that's why I take the baby from the second I get home from work, and on the weekends (meaning H doesn't have to respond to any of the baby's needs - I do).<br><br>
After the 20th time of him complaining about the way I do laundry, I finally said "If you don't like the way I do it, you can do it yourself."<br><br>
To which he replied:<br><br>
"Fine, I do everything else around here."<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/jaw.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="dropjaw"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/confused.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Confused"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/splat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="splat"><br><br>
WTF. Seriously, <b>WTF</b>?<br><br>
I can't talk to him about it because talking to him is pointless. But, I just needed to vent, and maybe look for an objective opinion about the distribution of responsibilities in my home - I feell like I'm doing <i>more</i> than my fair share...not less.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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I've said this before on another thread here but I'll say it again: if dh isn't willing to do something/help with something, he may NOT criticize the way *I* do it. Nothing drives me crazier than having him stand over me while I'm, say, doing the dishes and tell me I'm using too much soap or not stacking the dishes right. So I'd start there with your dh.<br><br>
It sounds like you guys need to have a heart-to-heart talk about what your perception of the situation is and what you think is fair...and what you'd like the other one to do. Be patient and kind with each other and really listen to the other. It may be that you need to spell it out to him: Look, I do x, y and z and I really appreciate the hard work that you do but I want you to realize how much I do, too.<br><br>
But, yeah, I can totally understand how you feel unappreciated. It sounds like you are taking on more than your share, as so many women do, I think.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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The next time you come home, take the baby, sit on the couch, get comfortable and don't do another damn thing. When he asks when you plan to make dinner you reply that you plan to watch him "do everything else around here." You could mention that you can't wait to see what he makes for dinner. Yum Yum.<br><br>
Oh. Learn to grit your teeth and don't do any cleaning for a week. If he makes a comment, just state innocently, "I thought you did everything? That's what you told me."
 

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So...he:<br><br>
raises the kids during the day<br>
cleans the floors,<br>
takes turns with you on bathroom cleaning<br><br>
You:<br><br>
work full time<br>
cook<br>
do dishes<br>
do laundry and put it away<br>
parent after work and at night and on the weekends<br>
clean up all clutter<br><br>
Yeah, you're right. He doesn't appreciate you.<br><br>
He is taking advantage of the fact that for some reason you have been willing to support the family financially <i>and</i> do the lion's share of the housework, <i>and</i> give him the whole weekend off, while never getting a break for yourself. What a sweet deal for him!<br><br>
My question is, why on earth do you put up with this? Why do you take on all this additional work, when he's capable of doing it? I'm a sahm and I admit I'm not the world's greatest cleaner, but I manage to have supper on the table when dh comes home.<br><br>
Like verde said:<br><br><i>The next time you come home, take the baby, sit on the couch, get comfortable and don't do another damn thing. When he asks when you plan to make dinner you reply that you plan to watch him "do everything else around here." You could mention that you can't wait to see what he makes for dinner. Yum Yum.</i>
 

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You don't have a husband. You have a live-in manny who does some light housework. His benefits package is probably the envy of all the nannies in the neighborhood.
 

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Well there are SAHP out there that feel that their "job" is just taking care of the kids and nothing more. Is that how your DH feels, or does he just feel overwhelmed emotionally and physically to the point where it "feels" like he's holding things together by himself? This could be his perception even if it's realistically totally off base.<br><br>
I am a SAHP and I disagree with that standpoint of SAP is just there for the kids, I think that <span style="text-decoration:underline;">whomever</span> is home and making meals and taking care of the kids needs to also be picking up the messes that are being made. Even the working parent when they are at home. If someone doesn't clean how does that even work?<br><br>
If I as a SAHP went out one day for some alone time and my DH decided to do a messy project with the kids and then said he didn't clean up because he was "watching the kids" I'd be pissed. (If he was going to wait until later when I was home so he could do it himself I'd be ok with that.)<br><br>
I think your husband is off his rocker big time. And I am a SAHP that does do nearly everything and it gets real old. I imo from what you've written think he's getting off easy.<br><br>
I also think he sounds depressed and most likely needs a job outside the home for his own mental health and pride. He probably feels worthless and being criticized only makes him defensive and more depressed and he cannot in that state see your side.<br><br>
Have you read "How to improve your marriage without talking about it"?<br><br>
I did and it was pretty eye opening, I think you might benefit from it.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Porcelain Interior</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14677175"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Well there are SAHP out there that feel that their "job" is just taking care of the kids and nothing more. Is that how your DH feels, or does he just feel overwhelmed emotionally and physically to the point where it "feels" like he's holding things together by himself? This could be his perception even if it's realistically totally off base.<br><br>
I am a SAHP and I disagree with that standpoint of SAP is just there for the kids, I think that <span style="text-decoration:underline;">whomever</span> is home and making meals and taking care of the kids needs to also be picking up the messes that are being made. Even the working parent when they are at home. If someone doesn't clean how does that even work?<br><br>
If I as a SAHP went out one day for some alone time and my DH decided to do a messy project with the kids and then said he didn't clean up because he was "watching the kids" I'd be pissed. (If he was going to wait until later when I was home so he could do it himself I'd be ok with that.)<br><br>
I think your husband is off his rocker big time. And I am a SAHP that does do nearly everything and it gets real old. I imo from what you've written think he's getting off easy.<br><br>
I also think he sounds depressed and most likely needs a job outside the home for his own mental health and pride. He probably feels worthless and being criticized only makes him defensive and more depressed and he cannot in that state see your side.<br><br>
Have you read "How to improve your marriage without talking about it"?<br><br>
I did and it was pretty eye opening, I think you might benefit from it.</div>
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i agree with this. i see this a lot where moms feel their job is the baby and i feel they don't appreciate their partner. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> it makes me angry. i also agree with the OP, her husband seems depressed (maybe he feels emasculated from his school/no work?) it doesn't seem like he appreciates her or the needs around the house. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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Well, I'm in almost an identical position except I have 2 kids and it is my husband that generally does the cooking and grocery shopping. Other than that, I work full time, clean around the house myself, pick up messes, do the dishes, get the cars serviced, do all of the household laundry, change the linens, do nighttime care, and take most of the weekend care. I don't know about you, but I am freaking tired. My husband is like a babysitter with some often grudgingly-done food prep thrown in.<br><br>
I think MY husband is depressed, but he also has a history of depression. I want to know why some people assume that if a SAHD isn't "pulling his weight," he's depressed because he's not working outside the home. This may very well be true, but it's not automatically true. Maybe these men are just selfish and self-entitled. Even my married-without-children friends say their (nice) husbands are often "takers." I think many men are just "takers."<br><br>
Excuse my negativity. It was a rough weekend.
 

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OP, maybe talking to him does no good (for whatever reason...and that sounds like a major problem), but as another poster said, then you've got to show him. Stop doing <i>everything</i> that you do. So many of these guys will do whatever they can get away with, so put your foot down. Don't knock yourself out trying to do it all. How long could you possibly sustain that?
 

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this was a major issue with me and my DP...<br><br>
turns out he felt underappreciated too.<br><br>
after a long talk that got loud and took a days break here and there we came to the conclusion that both of us thought we were doing the things that were most important/we liked, and nothing else. and both of us were kind of over-dramatizing how much we did and how little the other person did...we were doing this because we were both physically and mentally exhausted.<br><br>
ask your husband directly, when the two of you are not arguing...exactly what he needs to feel appreciated, and what's one thing on his plate that he would like you to handle...and give him the same info in return.<br><br>
you may end up prepping, cooking and cleaning up after dinner...but maybe he'll keep up with the laundry or whatever it is you need from him. both of you will feel more appreciated, and both of you will begin to notice more of your partners efforts.<br><br>
at least, that's kind of how it's working for us.<br><br>
but figuring out that we both felt the same way was tantamount to this change. did you tell him that you felt the way he does? that you do everything?
 

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I know how you feel...bug hugs...<br>
My situation is very different yet very similar...My husband works from home...I take care of the kids....he pays for house help to come 2 times a week. He really only works via the phone and some paper work...not much.<br>
So he is here 24/7 most weeks.<br>
However....If i leave the house with the kids...I always leave with all the kids...rarely ever do I go anywhere with out children. He cooks and DOES NOT clean up his mess...DOES NOT pick up toys...Really he does nothing more. Sometimes helps with a crying toddler...but nothing else. I stopped doing his laundry...he ran out of clothes and did it himself. I'm unsure whether i should pull all the weight....considering I am a stay at home mom...and I do have house helpers. I guess I feel guilty if I dont wash his mess up...kwim?<br>
Where is the happy medium? I dont have a clue
 
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