[angelachristin]

and I don't know what to do anymore. Of course, the fact that we live in Las Vegas is horrible for this situation...I didn't know he was a gambler at all when we moved here from California...we moved here in 2003 because his mom lives here and she needed help running her business.

So, it's been 4 years that we've been here and it's gotten worse and worse and worse. We were married in October of 2003, and we put all of the money we recieved for wedding gifts into a 1-year CD. When the year was up, I was concerned we hadn't recieved anything from the bank so I called to check the balance...it was zero. He had taken the money out only a few months after we had deposited it...and gambled it all away. Thousands of dollars. And it just keeps going, I could sit here and type story after story but there's no need for all that. He told me it would stop when I got pregnant. I got pregnant with Jackson in March of 2006 and he just kept right on gambling. He said it would stop when I had the baby. The day after Jackson was born, with me & baby still in the hospital, he took my bank card from my purse in the hospital and went and gambled. He has no bank account of his own, his paycheck is direct deposited into one of my 2 accounts...I try to keep the cards away from him but sometimes he still manages to steal them from me. He has also found the checkbooks that I hide and written checks to himself, forging my name. He has taken the checks that my credit card companies send (ones so you can get a cash advance) and again forged my name and gotten himself cash advances on my credit cards. We arrived home on Tuesday night from a vacation to visit my family in MA, and he took my card while I was sleeping and took out $500 and gambled it all away yesterday.

We don't have money for this...I am trying to quit my job so I can SAH with my baby. Even if we DID have the money, I am so heartsick and disgusted with his behavior and the way he lies to me and steals from me. He told me yesterday that the $500 was to lend his mom to pay her property taxes...so I called her and of course, it was a lie. I don't know what to do anymore. I asked him to go to counseling and he said he will, but I don't know if it will help if he doesn't want to change. I asked him does he know he is a person who is sick and he says yes, but who knows? I can't divorce him now with us still in Vegas, I have no one here and I don't want to be forced to stay in this state because of custody, etc.

I don't know if I am just venting or what, hoping someone maybe has been through something like this??? And can offer me some words of wisdom or maybe tell me which type of counseling would be best for him, I'm looking on our insurance's website for a counselor. I also printed out a list of local Gamblers Anonymous meetings hoping I can get him to attend.

 

[gargirl]

He is an addict. He is addicted to gambling instead of alcohol or drugs.

There is such a group as Gamblers Annonymous that might help him if he wanted help. You might benefit from attending meetings for Al-Anon. It is for families of alcoholics but I think you might find that there is little difference between an alcoholic or drug addict and a gambling addict.

*HUGS*

I am very sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[Sheal]

I know exactly where you are coming from, your anxieties, fears, pain and heartache. All the feelings you are feeling I have had. My father is a gambling addict. He gambled everything from under us in the last 4 years of my parents marriage. He destroyed our family, his marriage, lost my childhood home, gambled my trust fund and dowery away...hid bills, lied, stole, cheated...

There is only one way to deal with this, like all addicts it's time for an intervention and ultimatum! It's either he goes to a rehab specifically dealing with gambling addicts and gets counselling or the marriage is done. Forget being afraid to be "stuck" in a state - he is mentally, emotionally and even spiritually abusing you and your child.

He is placating you by "admitting" he has a problem but is doing NOTHING to fix the problem because he's not ready to want to fix the problem.

Get the whole family involved in the intervention.

Good luck and if you want to talk, pm me anytime love!

Sheal

 

[Rosedotcom]

My XH is an addict but not for gambling. I really like the message boards on soberrecovery.com. It's nice to have people that can really relate to what you are going to.

 

[Mallori]

My post might come across harsh, and I will apologize in advance.

Get a lawyer. NOW. It will get worse, from what you describe, I can guarantee it.

You HAVE to go into self protection mode. Or you will be drug down with him. His credit will deteriorate, and in the process, so will yours. He will get desperate. He has already gotten to that point, from what it sounds like. This will ruin your life. I know divorce sounds scary, but what you could face as a ramification of gambling will be worse. The damage gambling can do is phenomenal.

Get a lawyer. Find out your options about leaving the state. Start a savings that is for yourself that he does not know exist...maybe in someone elses name who you trust. whatever. it. takes.

PM me if you need to talk more. I have not experienced this as a spouse, but I have seen first hand how bad it can get. I'm sorry.

 

[JesseMomme]

- you have got to take care of you (and your son) first. Your partner is only going to go seek help when he truly 100% is ready to change his life. He hasn't hit his bottom yet, appearantly. An ultimatum may be a wake up call, but it's not a garantee either. Hang in there mama...and do what you can to account for all of your money and to keep it from your partner.

Has he stolen from his mom's bussiness yet? Is she aware of how bad it is? Would she be supportive of you and your ds?

 

[alaska]

I usually don't post here, but I come from a long line of compulsive gamblers -grandfather, half-brother, uncle, father. You've gotten good advice here and you should avail yourself of it.

You really have no choice. You must make a stand for your son. You cannot rely on your DH to change - he won't as long as you continue to make it easy for him to satisfy his addiction.

good luck to you - I hope you can find some strength to get through this. It must be very difficult.

 

[angelachristin]

Her business is down the toilet due to her own lack of management--but he has stolen from her, because she consistently does dumb things that I tell her not to do, such as giving him large sums of cash and telling him to take the money to the casino to pay off her credit line there...who does that? It's like telling a drug addict to hold your drugs for you, and expecting them not to use them instead. That has happened COUNTLESS times although I have begged her not to do it. Then what happens is, he takes her cash to the casino with the intent to pay off her marker. Instead, he gambles it all away and then tells me his mom is asking us to borrow money to pay off her debt. She does this with other bills that she wants him to pay as well, because she is super duper lazy and would rather run the risk of him stealing her money than get off her behind and pay her bills herself. Also, she has gambling problems as well, which is why she has all these debts to begin with...she had to borrow money to pay her employees because she p&ssed away all the company's money...it never ends.

Thank you all for the advice. I have done some research and it seems that in the event of a divorce if I want to take my son out of state my DH would have to prove it would be in his best interest to stay...which I don't think he would be able to do, since all there is here is a sleazy town with a gambling dad and a gambling MIL...and all my extended family is in MA in a nice wholesome place.

 

[ktmama]

Angela, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. The pps are right, though. This situ will NOT get better on its own and he won't make it better. It's time for you to decide what you want to do. Have you reached your limit? If so, it's time to take some action. As someone who has been where you are with an addict, I have some advice, depending on what you want for yourself.

If you want to stay married, I suggest you change the locks and put his stuff out. Tell him if he wants to come home, he needs to check himself into rehab, complete rehab and be "clean" for a certain amount of time. He needs to be accountable to a therapist with whom you have full disclosure so you can talk openly with the therapist about your dh's progress. Yes, he can see his son - you will bring him to a neutral place and supervise a short visit. The incentive to be able to see you and your son ON YOUR TERMS and get back together with you may help motivate him to stop gambling and stay clean. I would also suggest that one of your terms is to leave Vegas.

If you want to leave the marriage, I think you should leave the state with your son and go to a place you want to live before the divorce. In my state, if a parent wants to leave the state after a divorce, he/she needs to prove that it's in the kiddo's best interest to leave, not to stay. You need to see an attorney, but please get on with your life.

There are lots and lots of good books out there. I agree that Al-Anon is wonderful (and I'm sure there are TONS of meetings in Vegas!). My old meeting had childcare too! For reading I suggest Codependent No More.

Good luck.

 

[luvmy2girlz29]

Hi Angela,

I just pm'd you.

Korrie