Mothering Forum banner

1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
235 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
In the last year we've gotten married, started new jobs, and bought and renovated our first house which we're about to move into, while parenting out now 2 and a half year old daughter. I'm exhausted. And my husband keeps talking about how cute babies are. All I can think about is the pain and hard work of recovering from my daughter's breach vaginal home birth. (I was stuck in bed in puddle of urine, blood and breastmilk for two months. My husband developed temporary narcolepsy.) So now I'm hesitant to consider having sex with him: It's not that I dont trust him, it's that I'm afraid in the heat of the moment he'll say something lovely and sweet and I'll agree to forgo the condom. I'm starting to think it would make sense to wait until our daughter is school-aged before we have our second child. He doesn't seem to remember how much work it all was: maybe because he didn't do his share last time.<br><br>
Sound familiar to anyone else?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,945 Posts
Sounds terribly familiar! My DD is not yet 2.5, and DH is ready for another. I actually posted recently about this same dilemma, and the wise women of MDC encouraged me to talk, talk, talk to DH and think long-term instead of just short-term. It's hard to do, especially when the rough newborn period is still so achingly fresh in your mind. But hopefully you can hammer out a deal where you have more support next time around, etc., and given that information, can choose when the time is right for you.<br><br>
Good luck, I know it's hard. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,240 Posts
I can't relate because I was the one begging for another child but I would REMIND him of how much work it is and how he needs to help you and what a difficult time you had last time around. Be gentle with him though. You need to talk about it and discuss it. A baby is a huge endeavor, it is not like you are going out buying a fish <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"> Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,010 Posts
I actually had my dh write me a letter with specific promises of what he would do better/more of before I was willing to have a third child. I know that sounds extreme, but it was the only way *I* could be sure he really heard me and fully understood just how much help I would need. He didn't write the letter until after many many discussions of just exactly what I needed, so that when he did, he was able to do more than "I promise to help this time". I really needed to make sure we were on the same page on the specifics. And in our case, it really worked. He was exactly what I hoped he would be postpartum (and beyond!)<br>
edit to add: I also got him to promise to hire a postpartum doula. best money I ever spent in my life!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,197 Posts
I don't mean to sound like Dear Abby, who recommends counseling for everything under the sun, but it does sound like it might help you get on the same page and "hear" one another better. It sounds like you've really got some valid fears from your first birth and maybe some trauma that is still haunting you -- and it sounds like it might be haunting your DH too, considering that he temporarily developed a fairly serious health condition surrounding the birth. I feel like if you guys had a safe place to get all that out, you might be able to move forward with making a plan you can both agree on and get behind.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,188 Posts
Well, most experts would "probably" say that the woman is the one that has to carry the baby and go through the pregnancy and childbirth and do most of the care when they are newborns, so you should be the one that makes the ultimate absolute on whether or not to have another one. And try to remember that even though the first birth was rough, you can go about it differently the second time, now that you know what you did from your first experience.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,246 Posts
It sounds like birth trauma is part of the reason you don't want another child, and exhaustion from running around after a toddler, and that you're open to having another child in a couple of years. I think that's very reasonable. You're not even saying "no", you're saying "not right now" and he should understand that. I agree that counseling might help if he doesn't get it, but I bet it only takes a visit or two.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,303 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>nermal</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12357198"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">(I was stuck in bed in puddle of urine, blood and breastmilk for two months.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
That's one of the best descriptions of the post-partum period I've read<br><br><br>
I highly recommend the longer spacing. I have a 6 yr old and an 8 mo old and it's so good. but you should both just talk, talk a lot and revisit that difficult period. Processing it and understanding each other will only help with the next baby (if you choose to have one), whenever he/she comes
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,798 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Softmama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12360189"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I actually had my dh write me a letter with specific promises of what he would do better/more of before I was willing to have a third child. I know that sounds extreme, but it was the only way *I* could be sure he really heard me and fully understood just how much help I would need. He didn't write the letter until after many many discussions of just exactly what I needed, so that when he did, he was able to do more than "I promise to help this time". I really needed to make sure we were on the same page on the specifics. And in our case, it really worked. He was exactly what I hoped he would be postpartum (and beyond!)<br>
edit to add: I also got him to promise to hire a postpartum doula. best money I ever spent in my life!!</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Oh, good idea! Great idea.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,855 Posts
I think the letter is a good idea. Also talking frankly and openly about your birth trauma to him and your reasons to wait.<br><br>
Another vote for further spacing here. My DS1 is 6 years and my DS2 is 4 months and it has been fantastic thus far (also my sister is 5 years younger than me and we are really best friends).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
705 Posts
Discuss it with him. Let him know what your fears are and why you want to wait. Spell it out to him, because he really doesn't understand. He didn't go through pregnancy, labor, birth and breastfeeding. Even the most supportive DH doesn't really *get* it because it's something he'll never experience. So be specific as possible about what you'll need to feel ready for the next babe.<br><br>
I love the letter idea.
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
Top