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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I are in a never ending debate about CIO. I don't like the idea of it and don't want to do it. He insists that everyone he knows has done it and we need to start. It is really starting to wear on our relationship bc anytime he says he will put DD to bed he puts her in the crib and leaves the room. She of course starts to cry and he gets mad at me for intervening saying that it will never work, etc.<br><br>
I have tried to get him to read articles on the affects of CIO and he says he doesn't want to - that everyone he knows has done it and their kids are fine.<br><br>
It gets hard on me bc it means that I am the one that has to put her down for every nap and every bedtime. I really don't mind doing it but every once in a while you need a break. Also, I work and there are some nights that I get home later than her bedtime.<br><br>
I just don't know what to do. We argue about CIO every night. He says Im nuts and need to do it. It just makes me so sad and frustrated.<br><br>
The worse part is - DD is a great sleeper. She STTN fairly regularly. She doesn't do well with cosleeping bc she is a bed hog and we only have a full bed so she is usually in her crib. She sleeps at least 10 hrs at night. Sometimes she puts up a fight to go down but every baby does. I could understand the wanting to do CIO if she was a terrible sleeper (I still wouldn't do it - but I could understand why you'd want to do it, if that makes sense.)<br><br>
Sometimes I feel like he knows how I feel about CIO and so he does that to get out of sharing the tasks of putting her down. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:
 

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Wow, even people who do CIO aren't that harsh. Has he actually read the books about the method? I don't think even Ferber recommends just setting a baby down fully awake and walking out. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shake.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shake"><br><br>
I don't have any suggestions for you, but <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> All I can say is that if my husband was acting like this it'd be too bad for him. Consoling my baby comes before appeasing my husband, especially if he's so completely wrong.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
No he hasn't read the Ferber book or any sleep training method for that matter. He hasn't read any book. He says he doesn't need to read them, he can go off what others have told him.<br><br>
I even at one point said, after you read that book, we can talk about it. (I still didn't plan on doing it, but was trying to get him off my case to let DD CIO).<br><br>
He's a great dad with everything else... it is really this one issue. DD has had a lot of ear infections lately and so she's had some trouble (understandably) settling down at night. His solution every night is - just let her cry. Ugh.
 

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oh man, my hubby and i have the same type of arguements. he is like perfect dad but there's just a couple things that we completely disagree on and that neither of us seem to compromise on...but eventually we do after one of us harks enough! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
could you maybe copy a summary of the ferber method or happy sleep habits, happy child by weisbluth (he has chapter summaries) and highlight it so that it is in the most simple form for him and requires the least amount of time so that he can at least understand that CIO doesn't mean you just throw the baby in the crib and shut the door?<br><br>
why does he want the baby to go sleep so quickly? does he want to spend the evening with you? or does he have to work? watch tv? is there another issue?<br><br>
usually dads feel inadequate and that is why they get so frustrated and resort to CIO. would he read to DD? he could read lord of the rings or star wars to her. doesn't matter at that age. just for 5 minutes. something he'd enjoy too...and then put her down (but she would probably still cry at least in the first days). could you set some limit like---ok, we'll try CIO but ONLY WITH A ROUTINE (like reading or a bath- given by papa-, massage, music and dancing/cuddling) and ONLY for 3 days. if it doesn't work over 3 days (5, whatever you're willing to handle) then we'll wait a week before we try CIO again but still have papa continue with the routine, but not the CIO part.<br><br>
just some suggestions. i hope something works. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
we've just started that papa has "night watch" so he comforts DS from 12-6am. i don't nurse then. its only been 2 nights but where as the 1st night DS cried for 40 min in papa's arms, last night papa just had to tuck him in and DS went right back to sleep. could have just been a fluke but we'll see.<br><br>
there's no other way for DD to get used to papa putting her down other than him spending time with her.
 

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We've also had the same type of disagreement. DD is only 4.5 months and tonight will be her first night in the crib...in theory...when she has been sleeping mostly in our bed for the past month. She's also cutting her first tooth so it will be a rough time, but that's neither here nor there.<br><br>
I think setting limits is a good way to do it, but maybe try the opposite approach - say, "let's try it my way for two weeks, and think of CIO as a last resort." That said, I have to agree that it sounds like you have pretty good luck with your LO STTN already - what about the argument - "If we start using CIO, DD may come to fear or resist going to bed as an unfriendly activity, whereas she is now happy for that time."<br><br>
DH is starting to take on more of the nighttime comforting as well. She will basically accept nothing but nursing from me, and it's clear that she doesn't really need to eat (4 sucks and she's out!). Whereas with DH, she will happily calm down just as quickly if he lays his hand on her and "shhhs" for a few minutes. Does your DH have some soothing routines that he has built with your DD? That might help, and also give him some more confidence in re: soothing her.<br><br>
10 hours. You are a lucky, lucky woman!
 

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Have you tried putting it in perpective for him? I always say that we are teaching DS how we want to be treated when we are too old to care for ourselves. I don't want to be locked in my room to cry until I fall asleep from exhaustion, so I don't do that to my DS.<br><br>
Also, the Harvard researchers came out with one major conclusion recently in their studies. "Not my kid, you can do it to yours, but no way will I do it to mine." That really really stuck with me.
 

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You might want to mention to him that CIO can make things worse in a lot of cases to. You said your DD is a good sleeper? Do not mess with it. My daughter is an OK sleeper but she went through a stage where she was really terrible about going to bed (around 4 months) out of frustration I let her cry (and really regret it). CIO made things 10 times worse. She was a mess- very clingy and would be even worse when trying to put her to sleep. It took a while of rocking and responding to her needs to get her to feel OK again. It was awful! So there- CIO can turn an Ok or good sleeper into a bad one as well! Perhaps that will change his mind?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>cortsa</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11636400"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">could you maybe copy a summary of the ferber method or happy sleep habits, happy child by weisbluth (he has chapter summaries) and highlight it so that it is in the most simple form for him and requires the least amount of time so that he can at least understand that CIO doesn't mean you just throw the baby in the crib and shut the door?<br></div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Sorry you are going through this. I think cortsa has a good idea here, all I would add to it is to put the chapter summaries in the bathroom next to his "throne" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> and remove all other reading materials for the time being. Include some non-cio summaries as well. The benefits of non-cio would be a good one. If there is nothing else in there he will most likely look it over at least.<br><br>
The only other suggestion I have for you is you could potentially ask DH about the logic of just simply trusting what others say. Are these others experts on your child? of course not. Raising children doesn't make you an expert on all children, just on your own, IMHO. Your child is not other peoples children and therefore such advice doesn't apply. All that stuff "they say..." and "everyone else does it" blah blah blah.... is a bunch of baloney. I don't want to get into the cliche of jumping off the cliff just because someone else "said" they have done it..... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> If he isn't willing to at least read a little on the advice of true experts who have researched effects of different child rearing techniques on many children and their families, then he hasn't made an informed decision based on information from different kinds of sources. An uninformed decision is most dangerous.<br><br>
Hopefully some of these suggestions here on this thread will help you and your DD. Its really sad that your DH thinks it is OK to leave DD fully awake in a crib alone. I am sure it is truly terrifying for her because she isn't able to understand why she shouldn't be scared.<br><br>
GL
 

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I'm having the same problem with hubby. I even heard him one night say, "Alright, fine we'll let him have his way and he'll win." Win? Since when does an 8 mo. old try to win anything. I was furious.<br><br>
Here's the thing and I'm not saying that it's the right thing to do. I'm a stay at home mom...Daddy works. So, in the middle of the night, I'M the one taking care of the little one. In fact, I practically make all the decisions. So, I just had to tell him that there was NO WAY that we were doing the CIO<br>
method. I'm the primary care giver...I had to say that way - it's harsh, but, I wasn't going to put my little boy through that.
 

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I have an idea...,ask himmif he's ok with dd having sex at age 12 because that's what everyone else is doing.<br><br>
does she take a bottle? my ds always conks out for dh if he has enough bm.
 

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I agree with pp and ask him why he is so quick to do the lemming thing. i might also gently point out that the 'all their kids are fine' thing may not fly b/c there is no real way to know how anothers person child is really doing. would they really share that their child has had some kind of difficulty? You might also ask why it is that 'fine' or 'ok' is what he wants for his baby. i dont mean to be harsh but when someone says oh i use CIO and my kids are fine.. i always want to be like well maybe if you hadnt they would be doing better then fine. also when someone talks about their parenting methods and then said 'and my kids are fine/ok/healthy etc' it sort of sounds like there was a chance they wouldnt be using this method... they feel as if they have to justify it... and i think there may be something wrong with something when the people who do it feel as if they have to reassure themselves and the people they talk to that their children turned out fine even though they did that<br>
(this is also common with bottlefed babies) you rarely hear someone say well i held and cuddled my child as much as possible and she turned out fine.. or i breastfeed and shes healthy.. am i making sense.. im not sure im getting across what im trying to say. also you might consider if you and your dh have the same definition of fine as his friends. anyways sorry to ramble... just follow your instincts not his friends.. your raising your baby not someone elses.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mauri456</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11634802"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I have tried to get him to read articles on the affects of CIO and he says he doesn't want to - that everyone he knows has done it and their kids are fine.<br></div>
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How does he know their kids are fine? How does he know they will always be fine and not have any lingering effects? Is he ok with your dd being *just fine* or would he rather she be GREAT???
 

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A few thoughts. First, on your journey as parents: the communication isn't there between you yet and that is a big, big deal. This is pretty much the first issue: then comes babyproofing, tantrums, timeouts, etc. Get talking. No blanket refusals either way, but work on the journey. He really, really needs to work on his parenting toolkit though.<br><br>
I made my firstborn cio. Not only was it ineffective, every crisis that has befallen since- bullying, for instance- I worry about the damage I did to his self-esteem.<br>
Oh, and yes, I will put my 5mo down for a nap when he is awake, tired, and has a full belly. It's a big assumption that a secure, confident, well-attached child is scared of being on their own.
 

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I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. In our house dh agrees that CIO is not an option and bedtime is STILL tough b/c he gets way more stressed about sleep issues than I did....that being said, he was a CIO baby and his parents were not warm at all. I was nursed and allowed to co-sleep and our emotional reactions differ at a core level despite the fact that our belief systems are the same. It sounds like your dh is taking a really hard line on this one and I would be interested to know why? Why is he so insistant on this? Also, why is he still so insistant despite the fact that it is obviously upsetting you?<br><br>
I would try to set aside a time to talk about it (maybe even a minute out alone w/o baby if that's an option even for 30min or so). A time when it's not happening and you can really try to see each other's perspective. My guess is that there is something driving him beyond the "everyone else is doing it", and if you can find out what it is and address it in another way it may be easier on everyone.<br><br>
And when all else fails, I am a HUGE supporter of couples therapy. I think it's a great resource/tool and dh and I have used it in the past and would use it again for some support in the future.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mauri456</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11634907"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">He says he doesn't need to read them, he can go off what others have told him.</div>
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That's just an ignorant way to go through life! Does he go about everything in your lives this way? Did you purchase cars or your home just going by whatever the seller suggested, without looking at any information about them? I would just have to lose a lot of respect for him for that, you know?
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Sorry I dissapeared after my OP b/c we had lightening strike our backyard and it knocked out our internet connection.<br><br>
anyhow, we've had a few long talks about everything that has been happening lately.<br><br>
first of all, part of his resistance to the 'baby books' has stemmed from when i was pregnant and so excited and bought him a bunch of dad what to expect books. he was very insulted by them b/c they tend to make the assumption that the male was not helping around the house and knows very little about basic things that involve caring for a baby.<br><br>
all of that kind of turned him off from the 'books'. i did try the putting some anti cio articles by his 'throne' as some of y'all suggested and it worked to opening up the conversation.<br><br>
he said that he agrees in principle with not letting dd cio after reading teh articles but he feels like sometimes she needs a few minutes to 'realize that it is time for bed'. he feels like if he rocks her, comforts her and puts her down and she cries for a few minutes, that it is okay. while i don't 100% agree with him, it is a decent compromise. he's agreed to only use it when he's been trying for a while to put ehr down and nothing seems to be working.<br><br>
in his defense, he does have many nights where i am not home b/c of work and he needs to put her down. she still has some trouble going to sleep without nursing and so he does have a challange. he has even said, i wish i had boobs like you do that would easily comfort her.<br><br>
so anyhow, long story short, we;ve compromised that after a bedtime routine with a bath, book, bottle (if im not home) and twenty minutes of rocking if he feels like he needs to put her in the crib, he can put her down and rub her belly if she gets upset.<br><br>
i can live with that ... and so can he.<br><br>
i think that he was using 'other peoples kids are okay' as a way to kinda escape talking about it bc he did actually feel guilty about letting her cio.<br><br>
anyhow, thank you mommas for your advice. it is so nice to have such a great group to vent to and get advice from. none of our friends in real life have any problems with cio and so i often feel so alone in my parenting style. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">:
 

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I'm glad you were able to come to a compromise. Make sure he doesn't limit bedtime routine to just those things if they don't seem to be working consistently. If they don't work after awhile often it is because babies are changing up their routine and need a new way to help them relax and fall asleep, that's what's so good about night time parenting, we learn to grow and adjust and communicate with our babies and their changing needs.
 
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