[mamakarata]

And I realize- he has been that more than once! 'Course i'd never say that around him- but I know someone was whispering it to someone today cuz I woulda been!

So I say to myself- what are we doing wrong?

I'm not kidding. He's 4 1/2 years old , we are at a birthday party today, he complains loudly that it was taking forever for his turn on the pinata, threw the stick down and cried when he didn't break it open his first try- cried when he didn't get much candy-and didn't because he was so worried he wouldn't- (I never did like the whole grabby grab aspect of pinatas- but that's another thread i'm sure). Cried loudly when he spilled his bubbles, got another and spilled it and cried again.

Today was worse than others. But in general, he is not really good at waiting his turn or sharing. He has little tolerance for younger children. He kind of pushes and shoves and get's all fitty when things don't go his way. And it's just not what we are about!

But now I am sitting here wondering if I should have had another child closer to his age (our dd is 11 years older- might as well be his aunt for the distance in age) - because he doesn't have tons of experience with other kids to have to share or wait patiently for his turn- we avoided pre school 'til he was almost 4yo and even now he only goes 2 days a week- so maybe he just needs more practice.

And then I think, well maybe he is just expressing himself freely and I should be glad he is able to do so. And then wonder if that thinking is what got me here in the first place!

I am telling you, I am humbled by child #2. He is so much different than #1. And the thing is, he has an intense conscience. He regrets deeply when he lashes out or pushes impatiently. He really wishes he didn't do it and basically is struggling with impulse control.

And I read once how kids (especially boys) are put on Ridalin or Prozac at such early ages because today's society has so little tolerance for kids who can't control their behaviour- and i think- man- he'd be one of those kids if it weren't us as his parents!

Anyone else have the "brat at the birthday party" kid?

I have a book of virtues (you know, caring, patience, compassion, cleanliness) that we have started reading this past week that seems to be helping in at least defining these things we all should be striving for. Hopefully I'll be able to post again some positive results!

Thanks for letting me vent!

 

[lactivist]

Have you ever read Raising Your Spirited Child? I found it to be really helpful. I hate pinatas at parties. They make at least one child cry every single time. I am sorry it was yours this time. Hugs! I think that he was acting normally for a child his age in an intense situation. There have always been certain situations that set my kids off (each of them different) and I either have a lot of tolerance or try to avoid those situations to ease their stress. Sometimes it has to do with the food at parties. A lot of times with all the junk, cake and sometimes candy children's behavior changes. Some kids just get really overwhelmed in chaotic situations and start to have little patience with things like waiting for a turn. You are doing a great job and your son sounds like he has a really caring heart and as he gets older and has more impulse control things will get much easier.

Wendi

 

[oliversmum2000]

he sounds totally overwhelmed

parties can be a very intense situation, all that crazy excitement, all the competition for good stuff, all those children getting eachother even more hyped up and on top of that all the sugar!

it just amazes me that more children dont completely lose the plot

i dont think parties are at all a normal situation and so are not an accurate reflection of any childs behaviour

 

[Marsupialmom]

4 year olds + cake+ ice cream+ several other screaming sugar buzzed kids= brings out the brat that exist in any child...

I would not go to parties type situations for a little while longer. If you have to fill him up on protein and good fat foods before hand. Water him before you go so you can hope he doesn't get to thirsty and drink the sugar and food die drinks that is offered at most parties.

Practice with the other behavior. You need to be doing it with close parental guidance. Before you walk into a party prep him with the expectations. Then if he isn't meeting them have a secret signal to worn him. Don't be afraid to leave. If your child is misbehaving his behavior is effecting the others he is ruining the fun more so than him having to leave early.

With your other child being much older make sure that the proper behavior is being modeled. This might mean that your younger child is getting his way at home by acting this way with his older sister. She could be giving in to 1 stay out of trouble or 2 just trying to not bother and shut him up 3. "kindness". My oldest younger brother was bad about caving in to my baby brother. Then about 4-5ish my baby brother expected this caving from all the other kids.

I would also take time to read books like "The Wonder of Boys" or "The Minds of Boys" by Michael Gurain, "Raising Cain" Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson.

 

[hhurd]

You described my son to a T, so you are def. not alone!

 

[Threefold]

Hey, we're in the same area and I'm pretty sure I didn't see him

Birthday parties can be waay too intense, my 5.5 year old was just the "bully" at his sister's party. He's not normally pushy and mean, but he was overwhelmed and couldn't moderate his emotions with his level of birthday excitement. He also feels awful when he is out of control, but those bad feelings just make it worse.

I really second the suggestion of Raising Your Spirited Child and I also want to put a plug in for Playful Parenting. My ds seems to do better in those situtaions if I give him a plenty of outlet for that wild excitement before hand in the form of a pillow fight, and frontload him with what to expect (ie, there may be a pinata and if there is this is what will happen, etc)
HTH, but he sounds like a normal 4.5 year old to me

 

[chann96]

A couple of great books and ideas have been suggested to you, but I also want to suggest "The Out-of-Sync Child." I just finished reading through the whole thing and it might give you some insight. It's about sensory integration disorder. I don't think my daughter would actually qualify for a diagnosis of this, but learning about it has really helped me to understand some of my daughter's behaviors. There are certain things that seem very normal to me, but are completely overwhelming to her and she just breaks down. Reading about this has helped me to watch out for those triggers and to find therapeutic things for her to help alleviate those situations.

I certainly can't say what is going on with your son, but the b-day party might have been overwhelming due to noise or maybe he was frustrated because he knew a gross motor activity was coming and those are difficult for him. The sugar and excitement may be the only issue, but I think it's helpful to examine the sensory idea as well. It has really changed the way I look at what's going on with my daughter.

 

[teachma]

Quote:

Originally Posted by the_dalai_mama Hey, we're in the same area and I'm pretty sure I didn't see him Birthday parties can be waay too intense, my 5.5 year old was just the "bully" at his sister's party. He's not normally pushy and mean, but he was overwhelmed and couldn't moderate his emotions with his level of birthday excitement. He also feels awful when he is out of control, but those bad feelings just make it worse. I really second the suggestion of Raising Your Spirited Child and I also want to put a plug in for Playful Parenting. My ds seems to do better in those situtaions if I give him a plenty of outlet for that wild excitement before hand in the form of a pillow fight, and frontload him with what to expect (ie, there may be a pinata and if there is this is what will happen, etc) HTH, but he sounds like a normal 4.5 year old to me

Yeah, I agree with all that. My 6 year old son can get very overwhelmed in similar situations. He is the WORST when we have any kind of company- just when I want him to be his best!! To the OP: Is he very sensitive in general? Mine is.

 

[mamakarata]

yes- birthday parties are much cause for becoming over excited. i will add that his behaviour was before the sugar- but the excitement is still a huge factor.

the thing is, he gets over excited at any situation of being around kids or having a kid over. even his own cousins. one second he is pushing or grabbing a toy, and then next he is spontaneously hugging her because he is so happy she is here!

someone posted the idea of talking about the situation ahead of time, and i am liking that idea. today he has a special event at his pre-school where he is sharing about himself and bringing something to show (his guitar he loves dearly)- he's been waiting for weeks for his turn- and it's the perfect setting for an outburst of frustration since he's going into it all excited- so i have been throwing out possible scenarios where the kids might ask him to play a song, and what will he say? and if they say pleeeaaase, what will he say? and if they want to touch it what will he say? and if they want to play it what will he say? to help him prepare for dealing with the pressure.

so far his answers are very rationale and calm. so hopefully having practiced he'll fall back on that and won't start freaking out.

he is very sensitive and affectionate. everything is with a passion. love, frustration, play, talking. crying, laughing, whispering. it's all L O U D and M A G N I F I E D. so while everyone feels these things, his is the loudest most boistrous of all. which is great except when dealing with his I M P A T I E N C E and F R U S T R A T I O N!

thanks for the responses. i am going to also check out some of those book recommendations. Right now I am reading "Real Boys" again, but so far it is more dealing with teen angst.

thanks again.

 

[mommy68]

My youngest (a girl) can be pretty outspoken and likes to have her way. She is VERY different than her much older brother. I think we are in similar situations with children born very far apart. Anyway, she can be a brat at times too. What I would have done (probably) is taken my child out and talked to them while at the party and told them we would leave if they didn't straighten up....or maybe chalk it up to him being tired because of all the people there and the partying going on (that can be a lot on a kid).

I cringe everytime either we as a family or my daughter is invited to a party or get-together outside of the family because I just know it will be too much for her and she will act out some how, some way. It makes things hard. My husband and I have taken a lot of turns over the years where one of us stayed home with her while the other one took our oldest child to events. Sounds bad but we do what we have to do.

I have read many books about raising a spirited child and my daughter is still kind of hard for me, although I do work with her daily on how she needs to react to things around her. It's a constant thing with her and I don't see her changing anytime soon.

I feel for ya mommy. I think it's just something that we have to deal with as parents of a child that is tempermental and likes to have their own way.

I know it doesn't make me look like a BAD parent but only because I have an older child that has always been very well-adjusted, happy, quiet, laidback and very considerate of others. The people we know do know that I am doing my best so that's all I can really do.

 

[quietplease]

nak.

my oldest ds is like that. there's just too much on the line with all of that excitement. he just cried at a party 2 weeks ago because he didn't win at pin the tail on the donkey. he is 7! it's embarrassing. i know how you feel. i just plan to keep encouraging correct behavior and self-soothing, and we will leave if he can't keep it together.

 

[OakBerry]

I think it's pretty common. I just had ds's b-day party and there was a boy there, 7, who was being totally obnoxious. I personally didn't witness it, being busy with the party, but several people mentioned he was pushing, shoving, swearing. We have played with this boy before and he is a bit hyper, but a nice kid. I think all the stimuli brings out the worst in some kids.