[Shanana]

She's really nice and I like her better than my own mom

, but sometimes she makes me nuts!

:

DH and I lift dd over our heads and sometimes toss her a little. She LOVES it, and we're extremely careful (never goes more than an inch from our palms, fingers are still cradled around her). My mil has a fit every time we do it (even if we're not tossing her), and then started telling us we were going to give her shaken baby syndrome

. I knew this was not true, but the next time I saw our holistic ped, I asked her just so I could tell my mil the dr said it was okay (she's one of those people who thinks doctors channel god). Of course the doc said it was nothing to worry about, so I repeat to mil and she says she still doesn't like it.

Bottom line: She doesn't like it when we do that, so she made up some bs she knew wasn't true to try to get us to stop.

Whenever she's around she's always hovering around dd. She's 12 months and has been walking consistently for a few weeks, so she falls down. A lot

. She hardly ever cries, and has never hurt herself seriously. MIL freaks out if she's walking towards a toy, because she might step on it and hurt her foot! She freaks out if she's walking with something in her hand, because she might fall and hurt herself. She freaks out if she's walking over a rough surface, because she might fall and hurt herself. I mean, COME ON! The world is full of dangerous things -- why bother spending time making them up?! She's always interrupting conversations when dd strays near anyone but her to point out potential "dangers", telling everyone to watch out for "X", keep a close eye on her, be careful, etc.

And this from a woman who raised two RAMBUNCTIOUS boys!!!

:

Now, MIL is a bit of an obsessive-compulsive control freak. For example, she has to read every page of every magazine that lands in her hands. I could take over 10 years worth of Sports Illustrated (the woman hates sports), and she would feel compelled to read them from cover to cover, ticking off each completed article with a checkmark, and indicating which ones she hasn't yet read out loud to her husband, which ones she needs to copy for us, etc. So I'm beginning to think her overprotectiveness is a new avenue for her slightly pathological need to "control", in order to feel like she's more in control of her life.

In general, I tend to take a hand's off approach to mil, as she is very well-intentioned, and for the most part really supports our choices (extended bf'ing, babywearing, etc.). In fact, she has said more than once that in her next life she wants to come back as our baby, which I take as an excellent compliment! She is always commenting on how attached and secure dd is. Her only complaint is that we aren't vaxing, and she was a little nervous about the co-sleeping when dd was a tiny babe. But even then she isn't obnoxious about forcing her opinions on me. So I mostly think she's great, and tend to overlook her little tics (I mean, who doesn't have tics?

)

But lately I've been worrying about her nervousness "wearing off" on dd. As of right now, she's a fairly fearless child, and I kind of like it that way. I don't want her growing up to think the world is a dangerous place. I've been thinking of having a discussion with MIL, but I'm worried this is an almost unconscious compulsion ... something that won't be easy for her to control.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Any tips? TIA!

 

[cheeseRjedi]

My mom is kind of like this with dd. Luckily, she lives on the other side of the country

. I just tell her that I refuse to have dd live in a bubble. I understand being concerned if something bad was actually going to happen, but for the most part, I don't freak out if she falls and cries for 2 seconds.

 

[Brazilianmommy]

My MIL is like that to!!!
OMG I can't stand it sometimes and sometimes I think Why she doesn't go to back to Netherland where she belongs??

But she's sweet to but she's always freaking out

 

[BookGoddess]

You could be describing my mother!

She does most of that and she incessently clips newspaper/magazine articles for me even it it's completely irrelevent to what DD is doing now. For example, I have articles on what to do with a second grader who doesn't like school, etc. And DD still in diapers.

 

[Softmama]

I have certain family members like that as well. One of the things I do is start off with "well, the doctor said" and then put in something like "it's important not to overprotect her and to let her develop some independence, self reliance" whatever. But if you can, blame it on the doctor. This works especially well for those that think doctors channel god as you said!

 

[Babytime]

My mother is like that and I love her dearly (we really are great friends) but it drives me nutty. I will tell you that my 5-year-old daughter sounds exactly like her and is very concerned about safety but my little one is a daredevil so it's 50/50 whether or not it will rub off on your DD.

 

[Shanana]

Well, at least I'm not alone in my pain

. I know I'm the biggest influence in dd's life, but mil will probably be the primary babysitter over the years as I trust her more than anyone else (despite her quirks).

I do think I'll talk to her about it, though. She readily admits that dh and I take good care of dd. I mean, how does she think dd survives when she isn't around to watch out for her?

I think maybe she doesn't even realize what she's doing. DH didn't even pick up on it until I pointed it out to him. So I think I'll just point it out to her and maybe she'll tone it down a bit. Hopefully.

 

[paquerette]

My MIL is overprotective from the germaphobe aspect of things. It seems to be a recent development with her, because her 3 older kids (27, 20, and 17) aren't like that but the youngest BIL (14) is. The two of them keep Purell and Clorox in business, I swear!

Anyway, we were there yesterday and she was being weird about Bea dropping her food on the ground and then eating it. They live on a nice piece of fairly untamed woodland; I'm not worried about my toddler eating a cookie with good clean dirt on it.

I just try to make my opinion on the subject known when she tsks and clucks about it. I guess if Bea can eat dirt and sticks 99% of the time, when she's with me, the rest won't matter so much. And as she gets older we can talk about how healthy immune systems are built so she can argue her own case.

 

[katsam]

Oh my gosh, my MIL is like that too. She thought we were going to give ds shaken baby syndrome from somthing weird, I can't even remember now. She wanted to put chicken wire around our front porch (in case he got out), was afraid to hold him when he was little in fear that she would drop him, thought he was going to get samonella from the duck pond, the sling totally freaked her out, the list goes on and on.

 

[Cardinal]

Unfortunately my MIL ISN't like your MIL. She is the opposite!! She is so underprotective that i can't leave my son with her without DH or myself being in the room. She will let my 15 month old son do just about anything by himself. We were at their house last week and she was watching him smash his fingers into the cupboard.

I wish she was more overprotective. Trade ya?

 

[Cullens_Girl]

OMG!!! I totally could've written this post!!!!

 

[faithnj]

My grandmother is like this. On top of that, she's a retired nurse, AND she's senile, so there is absolutely no hope in changing her over-protectiveness. I'd say just let MIL be who she is when she's there. And when she's not there, do what you like. On issues where you can't compromise, just explain in the craziest way "We're permissive around her and don't believe we want DD to get a few bumps and bruises so that she can learn to handle herself." That, or something else you know will shut MIL up. But for the most part-- avoid fights. It's next to impossible to get people to change their minds about child safety unless you have written information.

Faith
(Who's been teaching her toddler to swim underwater. You want to talk about people freaking out? YIKES!!!!)

 

[limabean]

My MIL used to be a lot like yours, and I never knew how to handle it. Then, we were at a party and I mentioned how DS liked to be held upside down. MIL said, "Why would you do that?" with obvious disapproval on her face, and I started to get all flustered and explain/defend/justify my actions, when another (more experienced) mama at the party said, "Because she's the mom and she can." I was SO grateful to have this concise answer to any future questioning about my parenting choices, and I no longer explain/defend/justify my actions to anyone.

 

[homemademomma]

omg my mom's husband is kind of like that- and it comes off as SO condescending. he's always telling ds to be careful. for everything! it pisses me off. my philosophy is that if i exhibit trust in ds, he will have trust in himself, and will utilize his judgement (obviously i watch him and wouldnt let him do something very dangerous) the worst part is, when someone tells ds to be careful, he usually stps what he's doing altogether! when i go up to visit in a few weeks i will talk to him about it.

 

[CalBearMama]

If she's so compulsive about reading everything anyone gives her, give her a copy of "The Continuum Concept." Then, after she's read it, tell her that you agree with the idea from the book that babies and children have a natural instinct for self-preservation, and that it actually undermines their development to have adults standing around watching them all day and telling them what to do, what not to do, what horrible things might happen to them if they do it, etc., etc. If she understands where you're coming from but has trouble biting her tongue, you might just give her gentle reminders here and there, like "oh, don't worry, she's perfectly capable of doing that safely by herself."

I actually had a similar conversation with my own mother the last time she visited, and it really helped. She even read a little bit of the book before she went home, but even if she never reads the whole thing, I think I definitely gave her some food for thought. She's generally very considerate and respectful of our parenting decisions, so I know she will make an effort in the future not to be too overprotective.

Sometimes, I think other people think that I'm abdicating my role as parent because I'm not standing right next to DS to catch him if he falls and not telling him that anything and everything he encounters is potentially deadly. So they feel like they have to step in and do it for me! Unfortunately, sometimes the only way to get this to stop is to have a very candid conversation about your parenting philosophy and the fact that you don't want to interfere with your child's natural curiosity and desire to explore.

Oh, and the book (TCC) might help with the "shaken baby" thing too, as it talks a bit about how babies and children love movement and how it's good for their development. There's also a book called "What's Going on in There?" that (if I recall correctly) has a discussion about babies' equilibrium, motor skills, etc. needing certain types of movement, jostling, etc. to develop properly. I think it's just an instinctual thing for adults to do this, and babies love it, so your MIL just needs to get over it.

And just so you know you have company, my MIL also routinely makes up reasons for us to do or not do whatever she thinks is best. Here's a typical example:

MIL: You really should get rid of those bushes outside.
Us: No, we like them. Besides, it would be too much work to replace them with something else, and they are very low-maintenance compared to anything else we might put there.

MIL (next day): You really should get rid of those bushes outside - they are a fire hazard.
Us: No, actually they're fire-retarding plants. Plus, they're well away from the house, and if there's a fire that big, our house will be toast anyway.

MIL (2 days later): You really should get rid of those bushes outside - someone might rob your house and no one would see them because of the bushes.
Us: No, actually, the house is two stories on the side where the bushes are planted, so if anyone wanted to rob us, they would need a ladder to get in, and the bushes would do nothing to hide them.

MIL (3 days later): I read that those bushes outside are poisonous to hummingbirds - you really should get rid of them.
Us: FOR THE LAST TIME, WE ARE NOT GETTING RID OF THE BUSHES!!! SHUT UP ABOUT THE BUSHES!!!

 

[Shanana]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CalBearMama Us: FOR THE LAST TIME, WE ARE NOT GETTING RID OF THE BUSHES!!! SHUT UP ABOUT THE BUSHES!!!

CalBearMama, you crack me up

. Great suggestion on the Continuum Concept, and I'm glad to hear it helped with your mom. I've actually considered handing over some of my favorite parenting books, since the ILs are designated as dd's guardian should anything happen to me and dh. It was a choice I wasn't entirely happy with, but it was the least of many evils. And I do think mil has the potential to change to a certain extent. So I will pack up some books and send them home with her.

Paquerette, she totally has the germ thing going on, too. I had to make an emergency visit to the vet, and asked mil to meet me there to help with dd. Every time I touched my cat, she asked me to go wash my hands

. I mean, the cat lived at my house

.

Cardinal, thanks but no thanks! My mother is like your mil -- I can't leave dd alone with her for a second. She is totally unsafe and unreliable. Not to mention the fact that she abuses narcotics and has walking blackouts ... but that's a whole 'nother story.

Limabean, I'm always fighting the urge to justify my choices. I'm a lot better about it than I used to be, but I still need to remind myself rather frequently that it's not necessary

.