[mamarootoo]

i need some advice. i really can't explain all of my MIL issues in one post, so i'm just going to give the most current example of her...antics... and then ask for advice!

first of all, i'm 35 weeks pregnant and having serious issues with asthma for about a month. i've been in and out of the hospital, and nothing is working to keep it under control.
on the day of DD's birthday, when MIL came in, i had a pretty serious reaction to the scented talcum powder she was wearing. i went upstairs and managed get things under control, but i was close to having to go to the ER.

my DH went to ask her to go back to the hotel and take a shower/change her clothes. unfortunately, he said this in front of my parents and our best friends, so four people in all. MIL got very upset (i'm sure it was very humiliating) and said that she wasn't wearing anything, but she would take a shower anyway. FIL was obviously very irritated (i wasn't down there for this exchange. this is just what i heard later.)
they came back about two hours later, and MIL was STILL crying. i can understand being embarrassed, but even after my parents told her that the weekend before my dad had been the one who set me off by starting a fire inthe wood stove, she was still very upset. not about almost sending me to the hospital (which was obviously out of her control-- there was no way anyone could have predicted the reaction i had) but because she was so upset DH had said it in front of everyone.
the party went on, and MIL and FIL left after it ended, instead of staying for dinner.

DH called her that night to apologize (for the hundredth time) for not taking her aside and telling her. she told him that he'd ruined their trip down, and that they weren't going to come over the next day to say goodbye because she was so upset. she told him that she couldn't eat, and she was sure she wouldn't be able to sleep.
i talked to her for a while, and apologized for the situation. she told me that she couldn't understand how her powder could have that much of an effect on me, when it had never bothered me before.

when they came over the next day, i was upstairs. my friend came up and told me she was wearing the stuff again!
i went down and said a quick goodbye, and told them i needed to take a shower. i did have a little reaction, but it wasn't as bad (she wasn't wearing enough to make the whole house smell like the day before, and i was only around her for about 30 seconds) but i was able to get it under control quickly.
they left while i was in the shower.

that night, MIL called to tell us they made home, and casually mentioned that she was surprised that i didn't have a reaction that day, because she had put the same stuff on before they came over that day. i didn't really respond, but basically got off the phone asap.

so that means that she wore the stuff again on purpose to test me! how psycho is THAT?!

here's where i need advice.
if i tell DH what she said on the phone, i'm sure it will be the end of that relationship. it's teetering very close to the edge as things are, and DH would blow a gasket if he knew she did it on purpose.

i've never hidden anything like this from DH, and i don't know if i can.

what should i do?

 

[pinksprklybarefoot]

I would say something. If he ends his relationship with his mother, it is his call to make. She is playing games with your and your baby's health - your DH should know about it.

Plus, even if you kept it a secret, this seems like the sort of thing that yould come out eventually. Better to just talk about it now.

 

[Storm Bride]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamarootoo here's where i need advice. if i tell DH what she said on the phone, i'm sure it will be the end of that relationship. it's teetering very close to the edge as things are, and DH would blow a gasket if he knew she did it on purpose. i've never hidden anything like this from DH, and i don't know if i can. what should i do?

Tell him. If his mom wants to end the relationship - and it seems that she does - then he may as well know about it. Hiding a third party's behaviour to preserve someone else's relationship makes no sense.

If this were my mom doing that to dh, I'd want to know!

 

[mamarootoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Storm Bride If this were my mom doing that to dh, I'd want to know!

i hadn't thought about that. very good point.

 

[BetsyNY]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot I would say something. If he ends his relationship with his mother, it is his call to make. She is playing games with your and your baby's health - your DH should know about it. Plus, even if you kept it a secret, this seems like the sort of thing that yould come out eventually. Better to just talk about it now.

Word to this. Don't keep secrets. This is as it should be--you're so lucky that your husband sees your parents as they are, and he's on YOUR side! So many women find themselves in a situation where DH sides with mommy.

 

[acupuncturemomma]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BetsyNY Word to this. Don't keep secrets. This is as it should be--you're so lucky that your husband sees your parents as they are, and he's on YOUR side! So many women find themselves in a situation where DH sides with mommy.

 

[mamarootoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BetsyNY Word to this. Don't keep secrets. This is as it should be--you're so lucky that your husband sees your parents as they are, and he's on YOUR side! So many women find themselves in a situation where DH sides with mommy.

i know. i guess that's part of why i'm conflicted though. DH would rather cut his own parents out of his life than put me and DD through their crap, but no matter how toxic they are, they are still his parents, and i know it would hurt him-- if not now, then down the road sometime.

i don't take crap like this from anybody else, but for some reason i feel like if i don't deal with my ILs somehow, i'll be inadvertently hurting DH. does that make sense?

 

[runes]

Tell him. He needs to know that his mother deliberately tried to make his pregnant wife sick.

Given how serious asthma can be, and it sounds like you are having severe reactions to environmental triggers, as your title suggests, it is akin to your mil attempting to murder you and your unborn child. You and your family do not need toxic (on more than one definition of the word) people in your life.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, and I hope that the rest of your pregnancy and birth are healthy and happy. Don't feel guilty, you didn't do anything wrong. It's her actions that are the problem here, not you.

 

[Storm Bride]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamarootoo i don't take crap like this from anybody else, but for some reason i feel like if i don't deal with my ILs somehow, i'll be inadvertently hurting DH. does that make sense?

Yes, it makes sense, but you're not the one hurting your dh. Your MIL is the one doing that.

 

[KJoslyn78]

i would tell him

 

[Mamafreya]

I vote tell him too. I'd want to know if the situation were reversed. Plus, how rude of your MIL to wear that stuff again. Jeez.

 

[jocelyndale]

I would tell him.

I also would have told her that I *did* react and I'd have reminded her that every single asthma attack results in less oxygen going to the baby.

(My asthma worsened significantly while I was pregnant. And I DID tell clueless folks exactly what I wrote above. Pregnant ladies don't have to mince words.)

 

[Fuamami]

I wouldn't. Though I don't know how often you see them. If it's at least every week, then yeah. But if it's less frequent - like if you won't see them again until after the baby is born - then I'd just try to let it go.

Maybe instead of thinking about how she's trying to kill you, you can re-frame it. She obviously just doesn't get how serious it is, and how painful your reactions are. She sounds pretty insecure, especially after all that crying. So in her mind, she probably had all these crazy ideas, that you didn't want her at the party, that you didn't want her to talk to her son, etc. And then she got really defensive and decided to "test" you. No, not the most mature behavior, but more of a selfish impulse than anything to do with you.

I'm just a big advocate for dealing with one's family of origin. I hear a lot of people talk on here about "toxic" in-laws, "toxic" parents, etc, and that they should be cut out completely.

But the problem is that we have come from these people! We need to learn how to get along with them, learn why they are like they are, learn from the mistakes they made, or we may repeat them! Plus, what kind of message does it send to your kids? What if they decide to cut off all contact from you?

OK, I'm ready! Flame away!

 

[ElliesMomma]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuamami I'm just a big advocate for dealing with one's family of origin. I hear a lot of people talk on here about "toxic" in-laws, "toxic" parents, etc, and that they should be cut out completely. But the problem is that we have come from these people! We need to learn how to get along with them, learn why they are like they are, learn from the mistakes they made, or we may repeat them! Plus, what kind of message does it send to your kids? What if they decide to cut off all contact from you? OK, I'm ready! Flame away!

not gonna flame you. you are right, one must deal with one's family of origin. OP's DH must deal with his family of origin. that is to say, he should be fully informed of the *truth* so he can deal with it.

it's not OP's call to decide if her DH will cut his family out of his life. that's not her problem, and OP: you shouldn't *make* it your problem, and you shouldn't *take responsibility* in advance for what your DH might or might not do if you simply tell him the truth.

you don't have to pass judgment on what she said to you, but in the interest of full disclosure, you should tell him what happened, simply and factually.

and personally, i agree that the MIL sounds insecure, immature and ignorant about the health toll you are undergoing. she obviously did not *believe* that her powder caused a serious health problem, she thought she was being unfairly targeted for some other reason (god only knows what) and she was trying to prove to herself that the powder was really *not* responsible for any problems you experienced.

she hasn't learned a thing about your asthma yet. she continues to be a threat to your health, and your baby's health. yeah, she is toxic. it sounds like she is literally toxic to you.

of course your DH needs to know that!

don't overthink it OP. don't make this *your* problem. you are just trying to survive here. you are just trying to bring your child into the world healthy.

for goodness sake!

 

[Viola]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jocelyndale I would tell him. I also would have told her that I *did* react and I'd have reminded her that every single asthma attack results in less oxygen going to the baby.

I agree. I'd tell him and have him tell her that you did react and that you knew she was wearing it because your friend told you, and that is why you left the room. It sounds like now she thought you are faking it or were mistaken about it, and she was trying to prove it, and now she thinks she has. I think your husband should disabuse her of that notion. She won't take your situation seriously otherwise.

 

[bobandjess99]

Tell him and get that toxic person out of your life!!

 

[ckberkey]

Tell him. Have him talk to his mom. Don't invite her over. Ever. She is not to be trusted. What a shame.

 

[tallulahma]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Viola I agree. I'd tell him and have him tell her that you did react and that you knew she was wearing it because your friend told you, and that is why you left the room. It sounds like now she thought you are faking it or were mistaken about it, and she was trying to prove it, and now she thinks she has. I think your husband should disabuse her of that notion. She won't take your situation seriously otherwise.

:

ita

tell him.

 

[homewithtwinsmama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamarootoo i need some advice. i really can't explain all of my MIL issues in one post, so i'm just going to give the most current example of her...antics... and then ask for advice! first of all, i'm 35 weeks pregnant and having serious issues with asthma for about a month. i've been in and out of the hospital, and nothing is working to keep it under control. on the day of DD's birthday, when MIL came in, i had a pretty serious reaction to the scented talcum powder she was wearing. i went upstairs and managed get things under control, but i was close to having to go to the ER. my DH went to ask her to go back to the hotel and take a shower/change her clothes. unfortunately, he said this in front of my parents and our best friends, so four people in all. MIL got very upset (i'm sure it was very humiliating) and said that she wasn't wearing anything, but she would take a shower anyway. FIL was obviously very irritated (i wasn't down there for this exchange. this is just what i heard later.) they came back about two hours later, and MIL was STILL crying. i can understand being embarrassed, but even after my parents told her that the weekend before my dad had been the one who set me off by starting a fire inthe wood stove, she was still very upset. not about almost sending me to the hospital (which was obviously out of her control-- there was no way anyone could have predicted the reaction i had) but because she was so upset DH had said it in front of everyone. the party went on, and MIL and FIL left after it ended, instead of staying for dinner. DH called her that night to apologize (for the hundredth time) for not taking her aside and telling her. she told him that he'd ruined their trip down, and that they weren't going to come over the next day to say goodbye because she was so upset. she told him that she couldn't eat, and she was sure she wouldn't be able to sleep. i talked to her for a while, and apologized for the situation. she told me that she couldn't understand how her powder could have that much of an effect on me, when it had never bothered me before. when they came over the next day, i was upstairs. my friend came up and told me she was wearing the stuff again! i went down and said a quick goodbye, and told them i needed to take a shower. i did have a little reaction, but it wasn't as bad (she wasn't wearing enough to make the whole house smell like the day before, and i was only around her for about 30 seconds) but i was able to get it under control quickly. they left while i was in the shower. that night, MIL called to tell us they made home, and casually mentioned that she was surprised that i didn't have a reaction that day, because she had put the same stuff on before they came over that day. i didn't really respond, but basically got off the phone asap. so that means that she wore the stuff again on purpose to test me! how psycho is THAT?! here's where i need advice. if i tell DH what she said on the phone, i'm sure it will be the end of that relationship. it's teetering very close to the edge as things are, and DH would blow a gasket if he knew she did it on purpose. i've never hidden anything like this from DH, and i don't know if i can. what should i do?

Write her a letter. Tell her that she did set off a reaction which is why you went upstairs so quickly after noticing the smell. Tell her that it hurts you very much that she would risk you and your babies health to "test" you. Tell her that while she was hurt, she should be proud that her son puts his wife and children's health first in his life. Tell her asthma can kill and that if she wants to come back to see you she must wear nothing scented and that if she "tests" you again she will no longer be welcome.

I have a dear friend for whom pregnancy sets off her asthma dangerously. I wouldn't dream of doing what you MIL did. And while I would not go out of my way to be rude, I would tell her very plainly how its going to be. And if she gets her nose out of joint and stays away so be it.

 

[homewithtwinsmama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamarootoo i know. i guess that's part of why i'm conflicted though. DH would rather cut his own parents out of his life than put me and DD through their crap, but no matter how toxic they are, they are still his parents, and i know it would hurt him-- if not now, then down the road sometime. i don't take crap like this from anybody else, but for some reason i feel like if i don't deal with my ILs somehow, i'll be inadvertently hurting DH. does that make sense?

Actually, the day I cut my toxic father from my life, it was a much better happier life. My husband cut a horrible toxic sister out of our lives two years ago. Again, much improvement to our family. Cutting them off or not is his call to make. Let him make it.