[minkajane]

We go to visit my parents every other weekend or so. Friday night, we usually arrive around 9:30. I'd like for DS to play for an hour or so, then go to bed. Normally, he ends up wired and up till 12 or 1 because my mom gets him so excited and worked up. Instead of getting out his toys and letting him play, she'll get down with him and try to shove a new toy at him every three seconds. I try to get her to back off and let him play with a toy before she's cramming a new one at him, but she scolds me, saying "I never get to see MY baby." (my emphasis) Just because you only get to spend two and a half days with him every two weeks doesn't give you free reign to get him wired and then toss him off to me when it's bedtime!

She's been "hovery" with him from the start. She used to come running (literally sprinting across the house!) when he'd cry in the middle of the night TO EAT! Like SHE could do anything about it! When he'd fuss, she'd immediately try to take him from me. I would protest that he was just going to cry more and she'd say she didn't care. Well I DO! Then she'd get all pissy because I'd refuse to let her have him.

She screamed at the top of her lungs one night that he was going to get pneumonia and die because he wasn't under the covers (it was October, the house was warm, and he was wearing a winter sleeper).

She thinks I'm turning him diabetic because all she ever sees him eat is peanut butter sandwiches and mac n cheese. We're vegetarian and the only other food in their house is canned beans, sugary cereal, and meat-filled microwave dinners. What does she expect us to eat? Plus, she only sees him every other weekend. How does she know what he's eating the rest of the time?

Then of course, every once in a while she'll freak out because I'm going to hell and dragging him with me (I'm Pagan and raising him the same way).

I've tried talking to her about all this and she just blows me off, saying "I never get to see the baby!" (she sees him more than anyone else does) and "I'm just being a Mamaw!" (yes, but I'M the mom).

Anyone know how to deal with someone who doesn't respond to diplomacy? We've tried refusing to visit, which works on the big stuff, like the hell-bound speeches, but I hate to deprive DS of the rest of his family simply because of the actions of one member of it.

 

[zksgreen]

If your children see you disrespected by your parents, they will try to disrespect you as well. Put your foot down. Who says she has to see him even that often? Tell her to come spend the weekend with you, it will be harder to disrespect you on your own turf. Then she can see what a good mom you are.

 

[paquerette]

Well, that does sound like an awful lot of visiting. We see my mom for a few hours on Friday, and IL's maybe once or twice a month for a Sunday afternoon. I get that she's far away so it really needs to be an overnighter. What if you came first thing Saturday morning, so he only has to deal with one wonky bedtime? And what if you cut it down to once a month?

Honestly, I'd probably start yelling and being nasty to her at this point, since you say diplomacy isn't working. Even if you're not at the point to growl "back the f*** off, lady", I'd be a lot more snippy with tone and say things like. "I am the MOM and I make the parenting decisions. DO NOT undermine my parental authority."

What about getting people to visit you on your turf? Is that a possibility?

 

[GalateaDunkel]

I think you should reconsider the frequency of the visits in general. DH and I went through a period when we were virtually splitting our time between our own house and FIL's, and not only were there boundary issues, but a real sense of not being centered in our own home and our own identity as a family. And that was before baby! I would not want to try to raise a child that way. It doesn't seem like it's building your mother's respect for you as the authoritative adult of a new, separate family.

 

[LoveChild421]

I would make the visits shorter/less frequent and tell her that until she starts making visiting a pleasant experience and respecting your authority as the parent that the visits will remain infrequent. If she can start respecting your boundaries then she can see you more. If there is a direct correlation between how much respect she shows for you and how much you visit she will realize that she HAS to bite her tongue.

 

[mama_b]

Make the visits less frequent. When dd was born, we were going home every other weekend, just like you are. Our family drove us crazy, so we started only going once a month. They still drove us really crazy. We cut one visit short because of it. I made a thread about it in LWAB. So they calmed down for awhile, then it started up again around dd's birthday. So we cut visits down to every 2 months. We went in June, and we just decided that the stress isn't worth it. So we decided not to go again until October. That's 4 months. Of course now they're going to come here.

But dh and I have agreed that if we are disrespected in any way they will be shown the door. We are getting better. Good luck.

 

[Benji'sMom]

My mom is the same way. She calls Benji her baby, and even tried a few times to get him to call my dad "Dad" instead of grandpa or whatever. She changes from toy to toy and stays in his face, just like you describe. The only thing I can do is not spend a lot of time with her. You can't make them act like normal humans, that's my opinion, so just stay away as much as possible.

Why are you sleeping over there at night? That's a little too much contact, I think, especially if you're doing it every other weekend. Spend your weekends at your own house, or at least don't spend so much time over there when you do visit. Just my 2 cents.

 

[minkajane]

I sleep there at night because they have a guest bedroom. No one else has anything to offer but a couch. We live around 3 hours from there, drive down Friday night, and back Sunday afternoon. We try to stay away as much as possible, visiting other family and whatnot, but we do have evenings together. The worst part is Friday night. She gets SO worked up about seeing him and gets him all excited too, then he's up all night and cranky the next day.

 

[bobica]

you could shorten the visits (a PITA but an option) to either 1x a month or leave so he'll sleep in the car saturday, stay 1 night & leave sunday.

 

[Kaitnbugsmom]

I second cutting back on visits & the length of your visits... I know it wrecks your chances to see other family and friends, but sometimes it comes down to what is best for your family as a unit and your child, as well as your own well being. Dealing with all this stress and negativity isn't good for you or your dc...

 

[CalBearMama]

If your DS would fall asleep in the car on the way there and stay asleep when you arrived, you might try timing your trip there Friday night to coincide with his normal bed-time. Then, when you get there, he will have been asleep in the car for a while already, and you can tell your mom that the baby is sleeping and that you are going to bring him in and go straight to bed. That might eliminate the crazy Friday-night antics. If your mom asks why you are changing things and arriving at her house later on Friday night, you can either be truthful with her (the prior schedule was too disruptive to DS's normal bed-time), or you can just say that it's an easier time of day for you to drive or that you needed more time to pack or get things done around your house before you left.

If food is such a big issue, I wouldn't rely on them to feed you while you're there. Since you're there so much, just treat it like it's your house too, and do what you need to do to feed your family as you would at home. Maybe that means picking up groceries on your way to their house every time you go (another "reason" you could give that you are arriving later), or just packing food from home. Even if you don't take food for yourself, maybe put some thought into what meals and snacks you would like to have available for your son - you might find that it really doesn't take that much effort to put together enough food for him for the weekend.

 

[limabean]

Wow, that's a lot of visiting! Could you go early Saturday morning instead, since you're arriving so late on Fridays anyway? That way your DS would at least get a good night's sleep on Friday night.

 

[alegna]

I'd do a two-fold approach:

1. SERIOUSLY cut the visits. One day once a month for awhile.

2. Let HER come to YOU. Your turf, your rules, your food.

She's way out of line and you need to put your foot down now.

-Angela

 

[LynnS6]

Quote:

Originally Posted by minkajane The worst part is Friday night. She gets SO worked up about seeing him and gets him all excited too, then he's up all night and cranky the next day.

How about arriving Saturday MORNING? That would spare you a long car ride on a Friday afternoon, spare you arriving on Friday evening with a tired/cranky toddler, and who cares if she winds him up from 10 am to 1 pm?

I would also conveniently find things that are 'scheduled' on weekends (it actually becomes easier as they get older because there ARE things scheduled on weekends) that prevent you from coming quite so often. What about once a month? Once every three weeks? If she complains, tell her she's can come visit once a month (if you can stand it).

 

[srain]

While she sounds like a PITA, it really seems like she means well. And I think that in most cases, kids get more benefits from having adults who love them actively involved in their lives than they suffer from the less-than-ideal behaviors of said adults.

As said before, I'd seriously consider switching your arrival time forward or back, since Friday-night issues seem to be a big problem. Arriving Saturday or even an hour earlier on Friday (can you have the car packed and ready to go the instant work lets out?) might set a more pleasant tone for the whole visit.

As CalBearMom said, I'd change the food situation, too. Either pack your own food or try saying "now that Taylor's getting bigger, he's eating a lot more; could you have (list of non-perishable foods) on hand for us?"

 

[Shanana]

Sounds like big-time boundary violations. My mom is like that too ... doesn't understand in her head where she ends and I begin (lifetime problem). There are some really great books that helped me a lot with this kind of stuff. Off the top of my head I'm thinking of Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. This book is amazing. A lot of boundary violaters use emotional blackmail to get you to accept their ridiculous behavior. Also Harriet Lerner's books are good.

It just so happens that my mother has Borderline Personality Disorder, of which boundary violations are a hallmark. Stop Walking on Eggshells changed my life forever and ever -- for the better! You might want to check that one out and see if it rings any bells. (Note that there is a continuum to BPD ... on the extreme end you have people who self-mutilate and threaten suicide, but there can also be "high-functioning" BPs who often appear fairly normal and don't exhibit that extreme behavior ... and there can be people who wouldn't necessarily be diagnosed as BP, but still have a lot of the traits, in which case the book can still be helpful.)

A lot of libraries carry many of these books!

Good luck!

 

[Sijae]

Wow, sounds like some MAJOR boundary issues. I would stop visiting so darn often and making it VERY clear that you are IN CHARGE of your child when you are there.

You and your DH and any future children are your sons family. He will get along just fine only seeing grandma every few months. I say this in the nicest possible way

: but it sounds like maybe you need to mature a little and pull out of the enmeshment you have with your mother. i used to be very enmeshed with my mother and I had to actually take time off from seeing and talking to her at all to really become my own person. Now we talk often and we have very clear and healthy boundaries.

I recommend the book: Cutting Loose: An Adult's Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents by Howard Halpern. A mother that refers to her grandchild as "her" baby and disrespects her daughter is a toxic influence in not only your life but also your sons and I imagine it could cause marital problems in the future. For me, I had to figure out that the family I created was higher in priority than the family I came from.

Laura

 

[minkajane]

The reason I visit so often is not because of my mother. We moved here to be close to my MIL, who was very ill and who passed away in May. I don't have any friends around here and I go to my hometown to be able to visit not only my family, but DH's family and my friends. I am also able to leave DS with someone and go see a movie or something. I do not want to visit less often because it's the only time I'm able to get out of the house (I work full time and go to school full time). It's also the only time I get to see my friends.

My mom has bipolar disorder and is not medicated for it, which probably explains a lot of the behavior. I'm going to visit this weekend because we have a birthday party to attend for DS's cousin. You can be sure I will be standing up to her and letting her know just who is in charge when it comes to DS!

 

[BusyBeeMom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by minkajane The reason I visit so often is not because of my mother. We moved here to be close to my MIL, who was very ill and who passed away in May. I don't have any friends around here and I go to my hometown to be able to visit not only my family, but DH's family and my friends. I am also able to leave DS with someone and go see a movie or something. I do not want to visit less often because it's the only time I'm able to get out of the house (I work full time and go to school full time). It's also the only time I get to see my friends. My mom has bipolar disorder and is not medicated for it, which probably explains a lot of the behavior. I'm going to visit this weekend because we have a birthday party to attend for DS's cousin. You can be sure I will be standing up to her and letting her know just who is in charge when it comes to DS!

My DH used to visit his hometown tons, and to a degree, it prevented him/us from establishing our life where we live. Things have gotten better all around since he cut down on that. Can you look into putting down more roots where you live? Or have you considered moving back to closer to your parents? That way you could be near them and your friends, but have your own home...

Just some ideas! GL!

 

[minkajane]

We will be moving back closer, but I'm in the military for another year and a half. After that, I'll be in grad school until 2011. We should be able to move back home then if I can get a job there.