My money, your money

My dh is the SAHP and I bring home the paycheck. We have "my money" and "our money" - but it started out while we were both working, before we had children. When we both brought home paychecks, we both deposited 50% of our paycheck to the joint checking account to pay for household needs, eating out, gifts for relatives, etc. We each got to keep half our paycheck to spend how we wish, without getting permission from the other partner. (For what it's worth, my paycheck was much more than his, so my 50% was quite a bit more than his was.)

After we had children and he offered to SAH, I deposit as much of my paycheck as is needed for household stuff and I keep the rest to spend as I like. My husband has his own savings from when he was working, and also from some investments he had before we married, so he uses that money for hiimself.

So far (7 years married, 4 years since he became SAHP) it works out wonderfully. I am now putting in about 80% of my paycheck into the joint account, but I would be spending that money on commercial daycare anyway, so I don't resent having less of "my" money now that we have the children. We're both doing with less discretionary money now than when we were both working.

Edited to add: I think it's healthy for both partners to have money that they alone control and that they can spend without getting permission/approval from the other one.

Everything here is community property.

I guess the only thing that isn't is my mother's paltry social security check. She keeps that so she can buy her stash of junk food that I won't buy.

Everything here is community property also.

We lived together for two years before we were married. During that time, we handled money differently. It took a while to transition to where we are now.

I was married before and XH left me $25,000 in debt. DH (then DP) agreed that it was important for our long term stability that I not have that debt. When he moved in with me, the arrangement was that he would pay all of our living expenses so that I could use my income to get out of debt as quickly as possible. He was able to pay all of our living expenses for less than the rent on his previous apartment!! So he wrote a check to me every month and I wrote out all the checks for the bills every month. As a result of this arrangement, all of the XH debt was dealt with before DH and I got engaged.

The first year we were married was a huge transition. It was nearly a year before we made our separate bank accounts into joint accounts. And I'm still the one in charge of paying all the bills and keeping track of everything, although major decisions are made jointly, of course. Actually, we don't have a real good system right now for keeping DH informed of what is happening, and that is something we are working on currently.

In your post, you said that you feel like it is my money your money. But you didn't really say what made you feel that way. Did your DP say something that made you think this or are you feeling guilty/inadequate that you aren't contributing financially like you did before? Or perhaps there is something entirely different going on, but it is coming out in the way you talk about money?

I personally feel that money issues are not always about the money. Sometimes it is easier to say "you shouldn't spend money on eating out" than it is to say "I feel rejected because you went out to dinner with your co-workers rather than coming home and having dinner with me." If the issue isn't really about money, no amount of rearranging or refiguring you do is going to solve the problem.

I kind of feel like from your post that maybe there is more to this than money matters. Mostly this is because you said "for other things that DP would PROBABLY deem unnecessary" which makes me think you haven't actually TALKED to him about how you are feeling, and you may be projecting onto him thoughts and feelings that he doesn't actually have. Maybe I am reading too much into this, but I think it is worthwhile for you to work out what is behind your feelings and have a clear conversation with the DP so you can be on the same page.

I'm a sahm too-it's all 'our' money. We've been that way since we moved n together, long befor emarriage and baby. Pool resources, pay the bills, figure out what we both need. SOmetimes we'd arrange it so the bigger bills were paid with his checks, because he was making more, and my smaller more frequent checks covered groceries/gas/frivolity. But it's not really an issue for us. We don't designate specific 'blow money' but we both spend some at times. We just talk about it, check the balance make sure it's affordable. He's more likely to go to movies with his friends and buy computer equipment, I go out to eat with girlfriends an dshop sale racks or thrift stores. We both spend too much on books Generally we both get our basic needs met plus some fun, as long as we have enough to cover the stuff that comes up we don't tally that or worry about who is spending $20 more than the other htis month. Never reall ymattered who was earning more, it was always shared. As long as I stay reasonable within our budget I never worry about buying myself a pair of jeans or something, even though I don't earn any cash right now. And he doesn't think twice ot order a meal when out with friends or whatever.

We are generally accountable to each other, but not in a 'omg you bought a $4 coffee you bad person you how dare oyu spend my money' kinda way, more like 'hey I'm going out tomorrow, we've got enough for me to spend about xyz amount right?'

If you, OP, aren't sure how much 'free access' you have to that account, talk it over with him and work out a plan. You should have osme sort of agreement about how much is ok to spend all at once/each week/for personal items whatever. Plans and agreements are Good Things when it ocmes ot family finance

Our favorite saying around the house is "We're a Team and there is no I or You in Team".

There's no "my money" at our house either. Everything is shared. Under our budget we're each allowed a certain amount to buy little things we want but it's not like DH keeps track of the shoes I bought or I keep track of the computer part he bought. As long as he doesn't blow the budget I don't really care and vice versa. He will tell me if he wants to buy something pricey and vice versa. It's common courtesy. I pay the bills with our combined income. He takes care of most of the investments. Both names are on everything..mutual funds, checking accounts, credit cards, etc.

We are a totally OUR money household with a few exceptions.

Birthday gifts of cash belong to the giftee and can be spent as he/she sees fit.

I came into our marriage with debt, DH had none. He adamantly insisted that it was OUR debt now. But as a caveat to me, we lived on his salary while my (significantly lower salary since I only work part time) was used toward debt reduction to give me the illusion that I was paying off "my" debt.

We both see the fact that I gave up my well-paying job to follow his job across the country as a WE thing too. When I take on the majority of the household chores and spend less time at a job, that is my contribution to the family earning power. DH can focus on work while I handle the life stuff. For example, last night he did paperwork at home while I cleaned the house and made lunches. Different activities toward the same goal.

That said, I would REALLY resent a 50/50 scenario like the one described above...especially if one spouse made more money than the other. Family decisions and work decisions are so intertwined that it seems unreasonable for one spouse to have less spending money because he or she does more unpaid work for the family good. At the same time, it is a family decision and if it works for you that's all that really matters.

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McFeelings wrote:

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If you are talking about my post, it was 50/50 while we both worked. Now it is 100/0 meaning I put in all the money for the household and SAHP dh puts in 0. It so happens that after paying for the household expenses, I have about 20% of my paycheck left over. Much of that goes to retirement savings (for both of us) and to pay for my dd's college expenses (my oldest dd is from a previous marriage). That said, my dh and I talk about finances as needed and I often check in with him, saying, "Are you happy with the money situation? Do you need money just to spend on your own?" Honestly, money is not a big deal for me. I'd much rather have a happy home life than lots of $$$ to spend on myself.

caeden&connersmom - really? Someone else is like us?! Cool! I've been feeling pretty alone on this thread!

DH makes much more than me. However, for 5 years I was the breadwinner while he brought in Student loan money (grad school). I paid the bills.

Now we are trying to pay off all our debt (besides mortgage) in the next 4 years so I can stay home. Everything is done with this goal in mind. I still pay all the bills and we constantly communicate about the state of finances.

In the end staying at home and being mostly debt free will cost us less and make us healthier (i'll cook better and grow more of our food).

As for frivilous stuff, we avoid bookstores. We are co-dependent and enabling in bookstores (and there is one more to buy for now).

Stone Fence wrote:

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Off-topic, but oh, boy can I relate. That was a real problem for me ... that is, until I discovered Paperback Swap! I'll rarely purchase a book again. I've got a huge stack of books calling my name and I never run out of great reading material.