[Belia]

Am I just being a major crab-ass, or is my annoyance justified?

Overall, she projects a tremendous NEEDINESS when it comes to my son. Like no amount of time with him would ever be enough. I'll try to be specific.

She calls him "my baby."

She really resents the fact that I'm nursing. When I first started, she asked "How am I supposed to keep him for the weekend if you're nursing him all the time?" She's made similar comments several times since then. "How long are you going to keep breastfeeding?" "If you weren't nursing him all the time, I could XYZ."

She keeps buying huge packages of diapers to have at her house. Even though I bring my own in the diaper bag every time. The first pack she returned because he outgrew them before they were opened. The second pack she opened and used ONE diaper (I don't know why... I had several with me). There's a third pack at her house now.

She bought a bunch of jars of baby food. Again- I don't know why- we're only playing around with food, so I only feed him once a day, if that. I don't bother feeding him "on the road", so to speak.

She has a crib set up in her house, which DS has never used. She also has two pack and plays, a USED car seat

, and a high chair. It seems as though every time I talk to her she's telling me about more baby stuff she's acquired. I have not asked her to get any of this stuff.

The other day he was fussy as I was changing his diaper. I had about 2 of the 10 snaps on his pants buttoned up and she was literally grabbing at him to pick him up. "Awww.... it's ok.... You need your grandma." His pants weren't even fastened! I had to say very sharply " MOM. His pants aren't buttoned. WAIT A MINUTE!"

Several times he's been fussy and she's been very grabby, saying things along the lines of "Your grandma will take care of you." Then she looks shocked or something when *I* actually step in to take care of DS.

DH and I are going to a dinner party this weekend, and while I can absolutely take DS with us, I decided it might be easier if she could watch him instead. She asked if DS could spend the night and the next day at their house instead. I laughed out loud without thinking, saying "No way!" I mean, he's not even 8 months old! Well, she got very offended at my reaction and cannot fathom why I am not jumping up and down at this plan. I had to backtrack and blamed it on not having enough milk pumped.

Last fall I had a dr appt about 5 minutes away from my aunt's house, so I asked my aunt to babysit for an hour or two. Mom was offended- "Why can't I babysit?" Ummm.... because you live a half hour away from the doctor? I get back to my aunt's after my appt, and guess who's car is in the driveway?!?!?!? My mom's.

My mom is very ADHD with my son. (No offense to anyone, but I don't know how else to describe it.) By that I mean she is CONSTANTLY offering new toys and moving him around, like every 30 seconds. She doesn't ever just let him sit or roll around and absorb the world around him, even when he's not fussing. It constantly "Play with this toy. Here's a new toy. Let's go in the kitchen. Sing this song." After watching it I feel like I'm hyperventilating from the frantic pace of it all. OTOH, I watched him play with a cereal box the other day for 15 minutes straight. He was happy as a clam. Why the overstimulation? When he's perfectly content?

It's pretty clear she thinks I'm ridiculous in my parenting style, but she doesn't say anything outright. She's always saying "Don't you want to put him down for a nap?" and trying to get me to use the p&p or the crib. She thinks I'm crazy for not starting solids sooner than 6 months, or not putting those hard-soled old-fashioned white shoes on DS's feet, or not wrapping him in 3 blankets and a hat on a sunny 60 degree day. She thinks our carseat is barbaric (The Chicco Keyfit 30 torture chamber

) and sooooo restricting with all of those belts and harnesses, and doesn't understand why everyone makes such a fuss about carseats anyway. Or why I don't want to use the carseat she bought at a garage sale a few years ago.

I never volunteer my opinion on any of this stuff, but if she brings something up or asks me a question, I tell her where I'm coming from. She takes my POV as a personal attack on her parenting, though.

I try to let stuff roll off my back. After all, I'm with my boy 24/7, and she only sees him about once a week. And I do appreciate the break.... I'm not a mama who is uncomfortable with other people holding her baby. I know she doesn't mean any harm.

So give it to me straight (if you've read this far)..... am I overreacting for being so completely ANNOYED?!?!?

 

[vegasgrl]

Take this with a grain of salt because I'm not a mama yet, but you are ABSOLUTELY not wrong to be annoyed. If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to send your post to *my* mother and let her know that these are my worst fears embodied. I would be absolutely

. Every single thing you mentioned is WAY over my boundary line. Your mother clearly does not understand that this is your child and not hers, and that's scary.

 

[leosmommy]

.

 

[leafwood]

Wow...that's INTENSE! And really, you're a grown up....and you seem to have been pretty patient to this point, but some of your comments suggest that you're picking up on how your mom's behavior may impact your son. I got dizzy just reading your post, and she sounds frenzied...and I'm not sure about your ds, but mine is really sensitive to the vibes that others put out there.

If it were me, I'd be laying some ground rules. But then again, that's me...and my relationship with my mom. Maybe just make clear requests when it comes to things about your son....encouraging her to slow her pace, etc.

 

[Super~Single~Mama]

Umm...your mom is CRAZY from your post!!!

The only time a person (a good friend) said to me "how's my baby" I responded "He's MY baby! Not yours!!" That might work as far as that goes - but I'm super direct.

If I was you I would take your son to the dinner party - sounds easier than leaving him with your mom - and not let her babysit anymore!! I'm also not uncomfortable with other people holding my baby - I actually like it and so does he - but NO ONE has ever said any of those things to me. It sounds like your mom has more baby gear than I do!

 

[mom2annika]

Is this her first grandchild?

The only thing I can say is, keep repeating your position, keep correcting her when she says "my baby" to "you mean your GRANDbaby," keep doing what you think is best for your son.

Hang in there!

 

[Lynn08]

I'd probably react the same way. But family dynamics are weird, ya know? My mother and I have never had the best relationship and I've found that I tend to be more easily annoyed by things she does than by someone else doing the exact same things. If that makes any sense.

And both my grandmother and my mil behave similarly sometimes. The former because I'm her favorite grandkid, so even though she has other great-grandbabies, mine is *her baby*. And the latter because it's her first grandbaby. I just remind myself that it's all out of love and try not to let it get to me too much.

Now having said that, if your mother is doing anything that puts your child in danger (like the USED car seat) you have every right to draw lines and to hell with how she feels. She just needs to respect that YOU are the mother.

 

[peaceful_mama]

I would absolutely tell her why you don't want to use the carseat. And the food. My mom lives with us now...back when I had my first though, she watched him while I worked and I figured out that if I directly addressed whatever issues we might have had--outdated things she might have learned with me or whatever, it usually was fine. Once she heard my way and understood it, she'd do it too.
It's kind of funny, for example I went *really quickly* away from jars with my oldest, never used any with DD and don't plan to with DS...at first, my mom didn't quite 'get it.' Now she marvels at the fact that the kids eat pretty much anything, where I existed on the same 5 foods for *years.*

Other than that, the rest of it I think is out of love for the grandbaby and she wants to be involved. Let her, in ways that you and your baby are comfortable with. I think she'll come around and be happy if she sees you "giving her a chance."

though I don't get the every 30 second toy change thing either.

 

[caro113]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Belia Am I just being a major crab-ass, or is my annoyance justified? Overall, she projects a tremendous NEEDINESS when it comes to my son. Like no amount of time with him would ever be enough. I'll try to be specific. She calls him "my baby." She really resents the fact that I'm nursing. When I first started, she asked "How am I supposed to keep him for the weekend if you're nursing him all the time?" She's made similar comments several times since then. "How long are you going to keep breastfeeding?" "If you weren't nursing him all the time, I could XYZ." She keeps buying huge packages of diapers to have at her house. Even though I bring my own in the diaper bag every time. The first pack she returned because he outgrew them before they were opened. The second pack she opened and used ONE diaper (I don't know why... I had several with me). There's a third pack at her house now. She bought a bunch of jars of baby food. Again- I don't know why- we're only playing around with food, so I only feed him once a day, if that. I don't bother feeding him "on the road", so to speak. She has a crib set up in her house, which DS has never used. She also has two pack and plays, a USED car seat , and a high chair. It seems as though every time I talk to her she's telling me about more baby stuff she's acquired. I have not asked her to get any of this stuff. The other day he was fussy as I was changing his diaper. I had about 2 of the 10 snaps on his pants buttoned up and she was literally grabbing at him to pick him up. "Awww.... it's ok.... You need your grandma." His pants weren't even fastened! I had to say very sharply " MOM. His pants aren't buttoned. WAIT A MINUTE!" Several times he's been fussy and she's been very grabby, saying things along the lines of "Your grandma will take care of you." Then she looks shocked or something when *I* actually step in to take care of DS. DH and I are going to a dinner party this weekend, and while I can absolutely take DS with us, I decided it might be easier if she could watch him instead. She asked if DS could spend the night and the next day at their house instead. I laughed out loud without thinking, saying "No way!" I mean, he's not even 8 months old! Well, she got very offended at my reaction and cannot fathom why I am not jumping up and down at this plan. I had to backtrack and blamed it on not having enough milk pumped. Last fall I had a dr appt about 5 minutes away from my aunt's house, so I asked my aunt to babysit for an hour or two. Mom was offended- "Why can't I babysit?" Ummm.... because you live a half hour away from the doctor? I get back to my aunt's after my appt, and guess who's car is in the driveway?!?!?!? My mom's. My mom is very ADHD with my son. (No offense to anyone, but I don't know how else to describe it.) By that I mean she is CONSTANTLY offering new toys and moving him around, like every 30 seconds. She doesn't ever just let him sit or roll around and absorb the world around him, even when he's not fussing. It constantly "Play with this toy. Here's a new toy. Let's go in the kitchen. Sing this song." After watching it I feel like I'm hyperventilating from the frantic pace of it all. OTOH, I watched him play with a cereal box the other day for 15 minutes straight. He was happy as a clam. Why the overstimulation? When he's perfectly content? It's pretty clear she thinks I'm ridiculous in my parenting style, but she doesn't say anything outright. She's always saying "Don't you want to put him down for a nap?" and trying to get me to use the p&p or the crib. She thinks I'm crazy for not starting solids sooner than 6 months, or not putting those hard-soled old-fashioned white shoes on DS's feet, or not wrapping him in 3 blankets and a hat on a sunny 60 degree day. She thinks our carseat is barbaric (The Chicco Keyfit 30 torture chamber ) and sooooo restricting with all of those belts and harnesses, and doesn't understand why everyone makes such a fuss about carseats anyway. Or why I don't want to use the carseat she bought at a garage sale a few years ago. I never volunteer my opinion on any of this stuff, but if she brings something up or asks me a question, I tell her where I'm coming from. She takes my POV as a personal attack on her parenting, though. I try to let stuff roll off my back. After all, I'm with my boy 24/7, and she only sees him about once a week. And I do appreciate the break.... I'm not a mama who is uncomfortable with other people holding her baby. I know she doesn't mean any harm. So give it to me straight (if you've read this far)..... am I overreacting for being so completely ANNOYED?!?!?

...

I had to think for a moment reading this .. "did I actually write this myself?"

Your mom is exactly like my mother, only I think mine is worse

She believes that I owe my life to her. She is completely offended that I am not going with her to see her sister on Easter. It's a two hour drive one way and DP has to work the night shift, meaning he's leaving the house at like 11pm Sunday night. And when I told her I wasn't going to leave him for our daughter's first Easter, she was pissed beyond pissed. She even asked if she could just take the baby. It's disgusting. Of course then she threw a hissy fit like she's two and walked away. Now she's all "you have no idea what you're doing" about not going, said, of course, in her snippy little 12yo voice. UGH!!

I hate the "my baby" and the "she just wants her nona" (yea .. nona .. fricken stupid if you ask me but that's what she insists on calling herself). I hate it. She has no respect for me or my parenting style. Everyday its "when are you going to give her cereal?" "why aren't you going to give her cereal?". She's refuses to listen when I tell her no to plastic toys and no to that stupid saucer seat and no to those damn bibs that say "single" and "flirt" and "li'l diva" (again .. why li'l is spelled like that on the bib is beyond me). And, like your mom, she takes everything as a personal attack on her. I'm seriously to the point of cutting her out of my life. Oh if only she and father were divorced so I could have a relationship with him. .. Oh yea and every night its "when are you going to put her in that expensive crib we had to buy" (they did buy us a really nice crib that we picked out .. we hadn't fully committed to cosleep - thanks MDC for that - but we still got one that converts so I don't see it as a total waste).

My mother is nothing but stress. I was actually told during my pregnancy that I had to move out (we were living with my parents) because the stress she was causing me was beginning to affect the baby in negative ways. And I truly believe that the lack of support I received from her and the PPD and the stress she caused me are the reasons why bf never worked for me. (but you can't tell her that. "What do you mean I didn't support you?!" .. well, when you keep saying its okay to give her formula, that's not supporting me, especially when you go out and buy the formula .. after you bought the breast pump, how much sense does that make?) Honestly, I'm hoping DP gets a job with the USMS like he wants to so they will move us far far far away.

...

Alright, I'm done hijacking .. sorry, I had to get that off my chest. Are you wrong in how you are feeling? Absolutely not. I am right there with you. Your mother needs to learn her boundaries and she needs to learn how to respect you. Sadly though, it sounds like talking to her won't do much of anything. Honestly, I would just stop going over. Making the trips less and less until she can learn to respect you. Once we get out of here (we're living here again, but we should be out soon thanks to our tax return) we won't be visiting much since my mother can't be trusted. At all.

s You are not alone!

 

[sgmom]

I am SO sorry for LMAO over here, but she's ALMOST as bad as my mom. I read the FIRST line of your post and laughed out loud to myself, and said "JUSTIFIED!" before reading a word of your thread.

The only difference between your mom and mine is that mine lives 800kms away (I moved away from her). But she phones me AT LEAST 4 times a day to see if my child has "said something new" (she's 6 months old!!), or anything else "cute" that she did today (nb, in the last hour). I cringe at visiting time, but it gives me a good opprtunity to leave my daughter at home with her and go shopping or something. Not that she doesn't mail me boxes of UGLY clothes (seriously) every week. LOL She means well, BUT...

Maybe yours and mine should form some sort of weird grandma cult.

 

[sgmom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by caro113 ... I had to think for a moment reading this .. "did I actually write this myself?"

HAHA! The same thought ran through my head.

 

[weliveintheforest]

I would be so annoyed too! I would go nuts if someone called my kids their babies, and I wouldn't leave them with someone who I thought would not use a proper car seat etc.

Do you think it would help her back off if you gave in on some small things? Such as letting her use the diapers she buys when you are at her house? Maybe that would let her feel a little bit more like she got to 'do' stuff for him.

 

[caro113]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sgmom Maybe yours and mine should form some sort of weird grandma cult.

OMG NO!!!! Can you imagine all of them together? It would be horrifying. They would ban resources together and try to take us over. No .. just .. no. If anything, a black hole would be created in the galaxy and the entire universe would be sucked into it. Do you understand? THE END OF THE WORLD!!

Ya know the other annoying thing? She actually told me my father would be offended (meaning she would be. I hate how she tries to speak for my father when he doesn't ever say these things) if we didn't name them as our daughter's guardians if anything ever happened to us ... She doesn't know that we had those people picked out while I was pregnant. Seriously. We discussed it with them while I was pregnant and they agreed. Hell they were in the delivery room with me. They were the first people to see and hold our daughter (after us of course). They were the first people to know she was born. We never intended on being in the hospital, let alone an hour and half from home, and they took care of us. It was seriously around 4 am in the morning and they went out and got us food so we didn't have to eat hospital food, with their own money because DP left his wallet at their apartment. We even named our daughter after her!! (our guardians are Christina and joey. Maeleigh's middle name is Christina. Why? Because at the last second, in her designer shoes and designer pants - just got home from work - she became my second birth partner, helping me through the labour pains and risking getting blood on herself. Luckily she never did though.) Why oh why would I choose my mother over the two best friends DP and I could ever have? Why? Christina and I went to high school together and have known each other since I was in 7th gr and she was in 8th. That's ten years! Why would I choose anyone else?

Wow .. I really need to stop hijacking this thread. Sorry OP

 

[WyattsMom2008]

Your mother sounds a little overenthusiastic, but at least you have help. That's more than I have. When I was pregnant, I was actually afraid my mother would descend upon us once I was home with the baby. Then I realized she wouldn't. After a while, I had to admit to myself that she didn't even seem very interested in him.

Your mother is annoying and oversteps her bounds a little bit, yes, but at least she is very interested in your baby. At least she is there to lend some help.

 

[Belia]

Thanks for all the commiseration, mamas.

Nice to know I'm not alone.

I do let most of this stuff roll off my back most of the time. It's usually not too tough, b/c like I said, I only see her about once a week. And really... what do I care if she buys diapers? Or baby food? No skin off my nose.... its her $$$$. Just because its there doesn't mean I have to use it.

And as to the used carseat--- NO WAY will I let her use it with DS. But I haven't even confronted her on it, because I can't imagine a scenario where it will ever be necessary. Like, I have no idea when she would ever be with DS alone and without MY car with MY seat. And if there ever were a situation where she would need to drive DS anywhere in her car, it would only be in a crisis or true emergency, so a car seat would probably be the last thing on my mind and a used seat would be better than none.

SO for most of this stuff I just smile and nod, smile and nod.

*sigh*
I guess I shouldn't be surprised because this is the woman who showed up at the hospital while I was in labor, even though she knew she wasn't invited. I never even would have told her I was in labor if it weren't for the fact that I needed someone to watch the dog! She even told everyone there- nurses, doula, midwife, DH, "Don't tell Belia I'm here because she'd kill me!"

She means well and would never intentionally hurt DS. I also do want it both ways with her- I want (and need!) her to babysit occasionally. Its not fair for me to "use" her when its convenient for me and freak out when she's just being herself.

Its just for some reason lately she's driving me NUTS.

 

[K&JsMaMa]

sounds like my mom, too.

THis is my third baby and i've yet to figure out what to do.

She just doesn't *get* it. sooo annoying.

 

[LadyCatherine185]

It sounds to me that yes, she is a bit overenthusiastic, and doesn't share all of your parenting views.... but think about this from her point of view. you are her baby. and you had a baby. of course she is super excited and wants to spend time with him! think about when colin has a child of his own. aren't you going to want to spend time and get to know his child?

while a lot of her behavior is annoying, she is there helping you. and willing to help more than you let her. i would be greatful for that. my mom works all the time and never helps out with DS. i would SO much love to have her begging to take care of him for awhile every now and then. her intentions seem good. she isn't trying to belittle your mothering, she just wants time with her grandson.

i would maybe talk with her about some of the things (the carseat, babyfood, etc.) but back off a little on the others, and maybe give her more time with him.. maybe then she'd be less "adhd" with him if she got to know him a little better and spent more time with him. and less grabby when you have him.

JMO, of course..