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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
<p>My relationship with my mother is not an easy one, and because of this DH and I have asked both sets of parents to give us some time after our baby is born before they come visit.  I originally said 2 weeks, but then I realized that with our exquisite timing July is going to be a frankly hellish month for us.  In addition to the (glorious, beautiful, wonderful) arrival of our newborn at the very end of June (if the babe is on schedule), DH is changing jobs and we'll be moving across the country.  So we'll be sleep-deprived zombies trying to learn to be parents while also packing up everything we own.  Because of this we've decided, instead of a two-week limit, to just say "no visits til after the move." </p>
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<p>Well, my mother and step-father have decided that that is "bullshit" and they're just not going to wait that long.  My SF says they'll "just sit in a hotel" if they have to, and my mother says "they change so fast", so they're "grudgingly" going along with the previous two-week thing, but they absolutely refuse to wait longer.</p>
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<p>Any ideas for how I can point out that them being underfoot at such a tumultuous time would NOT be what is best for my family, especially since I'd apparently be expected to dance attendance on them with baby in tow instead of taking care of loose ends and making sure everyone is ready?  I'm feeling seriously frustrated, especially since I can usually count on my SF to get my mom to be rational, but now he's leading the pack in selfishness.</p>
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<p>DH suggested not telling them for a week or so after the birth, but I feel like that would cause a rift that wouldn't be easily mended.  I'd really like to find a peaceful, rational way to get them to come around.  Any suggestions?</p>
 

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<p>This is a hard one. Are they willing to help after you have the baby (cleaning, cooking etc...)?</p>
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<p>My mother makes my eye twitch, just as I make my teen dd's eye twitch. As long as you would be OK not seeing your grandchild for a month or so, then I don't see it as a big deal. Just explain to your mom that you'd be fine not meeting your grandchild for X amount of time, and you expect her to be understanding. </p>
 

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<p>I can totally see your parents side....this is their new grandbaby and they DO change almost daily. I personally cannot imagine making my parents wait weeks to see a new little one (you didn't say exactly how long). BUT, that said, I also know that everyone has different relationships with their family.</p>
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<p>If they are staying a motel, can they come, and you just go to the motel to see them a few times and perhaps they can come and help you with moving? I have moved with a newborn, and it IS crazy, but having extra hands around was nothing but helpful.</p>
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<p>I also don't know how far they are coming from, it it short enough to come for a weekend...visit...and then they go? They just want to see, touch, hold and celebrate this new baby with you! I cannot imagine denying them that.</p>
 

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<p>That's a hard one. Can you put them to work packing all your stuff while they're visiting? I'm not sure what the family dynamic is, so it's hard to say what the best way to handle this is. I've always lived in the same town as my mom and she was never all that helpful after my kids were born anyway.</p>
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<p>I think that telling them a week or so after the baby is born would probably not be the best idea, although I'm sure it's tempting. It seems like the best option is to repeat over and over again that you would love to have your mom and SF visit after your move, but before then is not an option. If they choose to camp out in a hotel, there's really not much you can do about that. What you can do is refuse to answer the door if they show up on your front porch. Hopefully it won't come to that.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>CrunchyClark</strong> <a href="http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1290043/my-mother-makes-my-eye-twitch#post_16168779"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>They just want to see, touch, hold and celebrate this new baby with you! I cannot imagine denying them that.</p>
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It sounds like you have a good relationship with your parents, Crunchy, and so I understand how you could think that.  Believe me, I know it sounds crazy to say I want my mom to stay away for a while.  But my mother is emotionally abusive.  In addition to a myriad of other issues, any decision I make that is different from what she did is met with derision.  Over the last few years I've gotten to a place where I'm better able to ignore her passive-aggressive behaviors, and call her out when she says things that are really hurtful.  But the last thing I want as a new mother, when I'm exhausted and my defenses are down, is to have my every decision questioned and ridiculed if it differs from what my mom thinks is "right."</p>
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<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>jshannyn519</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1290043/my-mother-makes-my-eye-twitch#post_16168793"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>That's a hard one. Can you put them to work packing all your stuff while they're visiting? I'm not sure what the family dynamic is, so it's hard to say what the best way to handle this is. I've always lived in the same town as my mom and she was never all that helpful after my kids were born</p>
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<p>I think that telling them a week or so after the baby is born would probably not be the best idea, although I'm sure it's tempting. It seems like the best option is to repeat over and over again that you would love to have your mom and SF visit after your move, but before then is not an option. If they choose to camp out in a hotel, there's really not much you can do about that. What you can do is refuse to answer the door if they show up on your front porch. Hopefully it won't come to that.</p>
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<p>With the timing being what it is, I'm reeeeeeeally hoping to have everything but essentials packed before I give birth.  Coming for a weekend, while more palatable than a long visit, really isn't an option.  And I agree that simply not telling them would be a bad idea.  I don't want to start a fight!  I just want some time to adjust and regain my equilibrium so that I can enjoy my parents' visit from a peaceful place, instead of feeling like I'm going to war when my mother shows up.  (Does that make sense?)  I really feel like I need to protect myself and my new family.  If that means I need to pack by myself, then I'm okay with that. </p>
 

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<p>I guess then I don't understand.....If you have an emotionally abusive parent, then why have any contact at all??? Why even worry what they think? Why even let them in your life at all? Why worry about a 'rift' if you didn't tell them the baby was born as suggested by hubby?</p>
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<p>I'm thinking this is your first baby.....if your mother isn't so horrible that you haven't 100% excluded from your life, why not give her a new chance on a new/different relationship with you as a mom? It could be completely different or maybe not.  But, wouldn't it be as much or more stress trying to keep her away for weeks on end than just to have a quick nice to meet you visit?</p>
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<p>(FTR, I have an 'okay' relationship with my mother, but I would never think of denying her the chance to see a new grandbaby soon after birth. To me, she would be either in my life and I deal with it or out of my life and I go on with it.)</p>
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
<p>If a quick nice-to-meet-you visit were an option, then this wouldn't be an issue.  If we lived in the same city, or even the same state, then I wouldn't try to keep her away because I could easily end the visit after a day or two if things got hostile or uncomfortable.  But plane tickets and hotel reservations make that much more complicated.</p>
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<p>My mother is emotionally abusive, but she is still my mother, and completely cutting her off would be very difficult.  So she's in my life, and I'm dealing with it.  One of the ways I'm dealing with it is to set boundaries, like "give us some space after the birth".  I'm sorry you don't understand my decision, but it's a decision I've made and am satisfied with.  What I was hoping for was suggestions for helping my mom see that waiting would be best for her new grandbaby. </p>
 

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<p>Are you sure you and I don't share mothers...or mother-in-laws for that matter?  <span><img alt="winky.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/winky.gif">  I completely and totally understand where you are coming from and why you feel that way.  I'm having my third and still feel that way.  With my first, my parents came and saw us, but were pretty hands-off.  I wouldn't allow my in-laws to come stay with us so they came 6 days after birth for a few hours and I don't think they have ever forgiven me 'excluding' them.  Whatever.  Then with my second, my mother kept my oldest for a few days and was again, hands-off.  (I figured out that she just generally doesn't like little babies.)  We told my mother-in-law we would call her when I went into labor and we did...but she was already on a plane out of the country because she was so mad that I didn't induce when *she* wanted me to.  It was lovely.  This time around...no one is invited and I've already told them we are fairly sure it's a girl and they don't want to come anyway (they all want a boy). </span></p>
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<p><span>My mom and her comments...to the day she does not agree with a single thing I have ever done as a parent and constantly tells me this.  My favorite is that is she quotes "Dr. Phil" about 95% of the time and I've expressed how much I dislike him.  However, I realize now that no matter what I say to her, she does not feel like she is required to have boundaries with me.  She doesn't understand, nor respect, any boundaries I set nor does she listen to a single reason why I parent the way I do.  Guess what?  She never, ever will.  Looking back, she created so much undue stress with my first.  She made me so anxious and upset about if I was producing enough milk, that I needed to turn a light on and sit up in a chair to nurse every three hours no matter what...and I couldn't nurse her before three hours.  Now, I was naive and didn't know what I was doing and gave into all this rubbish.  I realized after about two months of no sleep, a baby who was anxious and not sleeping well, and my nerves completely shot, that my mother was crazy.  I did things MY after that and was so much happier.  Now, I can tell you already know way more than that, so that probably won't be an issue.  However, the potential for that kind of stress is there. </span></p>
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<p><span>My advice - let them come, look at the baby</span>, pack if they want (I just moved across the country and my mother packing just made everything worse, because we even do that very differently!), and get out.  Honestly, I would say let them come when the baby is about a week old, sit in a chair or lay in bed and just tell them you need to nurse the baby often.  If they comment, just tell them 'the doctor told me to' and leave it at that.  Hopefully, they will see that the baby is sleeping often and nursing often and it just isn't that much fun to hang around your house.  :) </p>
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<p>Good luck with everything.  It will be very stressful, but trust yourself as a parent and trust your instincts.  We just moved and will probably be moving again when the baby is about a month old.  I'm just voting to sell everything.  Haha!</p>
 

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<p>I like my space after birth and my mom makes me crazy, crazy. She made me cry yesterday calling me selfish and other bs while I am in the midst of a second bout of illness w/ my children since the day after Christmas. Anyway, w/ my last I told her beforehand I won't be calling her for a few days after baby. Previously we had called her right after birth and she and stepdad came soon after birth. She has been loud and intrusive to my intimate time, demanding to hold my hours old baby. I just didn't feel mothered and loved which is what I needed. So we waited two days before calling after our 10th. She was all put out and came a day or two later. Anyway, two weeks is a really long time. But I would definitely set up some specific visiting times and limits. Honestly I am very fragile after birth and add moving in wow, I definitely understand where you are coming from.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>amaayeh</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1290043/my-mother-makes-my-eye-twitch#post_16169021"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Are you sure you and I don't share mothers...or mother-in-laws for that matter?  <span><img alt="winky.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/winky.gif">  I completely and totally understand where you are coming from and why you feel that way.  I'm having my third and still feel that way. </span></p>
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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Mamatoabunch</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1290043/my-mother-makes-my-eye-twitch#post_16169077"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Anyway, two weeks is a really long time. But I would definitely set up some specific visiting times and limits. Honestly I am very fragile after birth and add moving in wow, I definitely understand where you are coming from.</p>
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<p><br><span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"> </span> Thank you both.  And I love the idea of saying "the doctor told me to", it sounds like the one thing she wouldn't be able to argue with!   I know two weeks sounds like a long time, but I doubt they'd be able to come any earlier than that, anyway, without shelling out an arm and a leg for super-last-minute plane tickets. </p>
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<p>Annabelle, I hope you feel better soon!  I'm sorry your mom made you cry.  And Andrea, I am totally with you on selling everything!  I have 2 boxes of sentimental stuff I'd want to keep, but the rest can GO!  My mom packing would probably make things worse for us, too.  :)</p>
 

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<p>OP, maybe I'm just a cold-hearted snake, but if none of the parents has a key to your home, what's the issue?  They won't break in, will they?  I think your babymoon should be what you want it to be, and no one else's (expect maybe your SO's) opinion matters.</p>
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<p>I was on the outs with my now-exdh when I went into labor with ds2.  I told everyone I didn't want him anywhere near the hospital and I would call him when I got home, but someone called him anyway and it ruined that time for me.  I highly recommend that you put yourself first in this vulnerable time and take care of YOU.  GL!</p>
 

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<p>Long line of emotional abuse in my family... when my grandma was pregnant, she told her mom a due date that was way wrong on purpose so that her mom wouldn't come down around the time baby was due. Then the baby was early anyway. great-grandma was mad but got over it. It's probably too late for you to pull this maneuver but you might try "The doctor says I can't have visitors".</p>
 

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<p>Thought of this thread this morning when my mom called...she said "Too bad we don't know if this baby is a little boy or little girl...."  We decided to not find out what we're having this time.  <span>Then she goes on to tell me how I need to have an ultrasound to make sure my dates are correct.  Um, what part of I know the exact day I had sex don't you understand crazy woman?!  I KNOW my dates, I don't need an ultrasound to tell me that!  Then she goes into all the guilt crap about how I could kill my own child by not finding out if there was something wrong before birth...I'm having a homebirth and as much as she talks about hating doctors, she trusts no one but them.  Ugh.  I try really hard to just let it roll off my back, but I do hate every time I talk to her.  She's so manipulative and disapproving. </span></p>
 

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<p>My Mom was a nurse way back when and still thinks she was a Dr. *LOL*  So basically she has a medical opinion on everything so I try not to engage her.  When my first DD was born she kept calling up to the floor to get a progress report.  Finally my midwife had it because my room phone kept ringing.  She asked me if I wanted her up there and I adimantaly said  and called the front desk (my Mom was in the main waiting room) and told them to cut off the calls from her and to NOT let her upstairs regardless!  Finally I got peace and quiet to labor *LOL*  So I know how you feel with intrusion.  But my Mom got over it.  Just put your foot down and find a polite way to say "it's not about you this time so please respect me".  And quite frankly you never know what might pop up.  You may have a c-section, baby have a small infection, you have a hard birth and then you REALLY will need space from everyone, hoever I hope you have a jouyful birth <span><img alt="joy.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/joy.gif" style="width:42px;height:39px;"></span></p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>nikie23</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1290043/my-mother-makes-my-eye-twitch#post_16168990"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a>
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<p>My mother is emotionally abusive, but she is still my mother, and completely cutting her off would be very difficult.  So she's in my life, and I'm dealing with it.  One of the ways I'm dealing with it is to set boundaries, like "give us some space after the birth".  I'm sorry you don't understand my decision, but it's a decision I've made and am satisfied with.  What I was hoping for was suggestions for helping my mom see that waiting would be best for her new grandbaby. </p>
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my mom and I have a very rocky relationship and our dynamic is close to the one you are describing. Honestly, I don't think you will be able to help her see how you are feeling. I know that my mom would not understand this. The only suggestion I have is to tell them they are more than welcome to fly out and stay in a hotel. That you would be available for 2 afternoons (or whatever you feel comfortable with) to bring the baby over (that way you can leave if things get uncomfortable and you are in control of the situation) If they do not like that option, then you can tell them that the only other thing that will work for your family is for them to wait the month until you guys get settled.</p>
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<p>I don't think you are going to be able to keep your boundries you are comfortable with and completely please her at the same time. Hopefully, you can meet them somewhere that works for you.  I have practiced years of developing boundries with my mother and still to this day I have to work at keeping them. Often my mom gets upset but, I always look at the best interest of my family.  Try to set up a situation that will work for you where they can still come at the 2 week mark. Then leave it up to them to make that choice. If they choose to come and do what you feel comfortable with then great, if they don't then they will have no room to get upset with you and if they do you cannot control that anyway.</p>
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<p>Good Luck and remember that the well being of your self and your baby is what matters most!</p>
 

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<p>Oh, I forgot to add...</p>
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<p>Everyone is going to have advice for you about how they did things with there children and why it is better. If your mom tells you she doesn't approve of how you are doing something with the baby just ignore it and don't worry about it. My mom thinks I am nuts to breastfeed and CD. She through a giant fit when I said I would not circ my baby if it was a boy. She doesn't agree with many of my parenting choices and makes fun  of them. It does irritate me for sure but, I let it go. She can think and say what she wants at the end of the day, I am the parent of my children and I can raise them the best way I feel fit.</p>
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<p>I would stick to the two week rule, and then set a very short time limit for their visit I think.  You can't really stop them from travelling to your city, but you can make it clear that A) they can't stay with you (sounds like that is already clear)  B) You will still be healing and need a lot of rest   C) Your move is a priority  D) they can visit again after you are moved and settled in</p>
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>erigeron</strong> <a href="my-mother-makes-my-eye-twitch#post_16171057"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Long line of emotional abuse in my family... when my grandma was pregnant, she told her mom a due date that was way wrong on purpose so that her mom wouldn't come down around the time baby was due. Then the baby was early anyway. great-grandma was mad but got over it. It's probably too late for you to pull this maneuver but you might try "The doctor says I can't have visitors".</p>
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<p><br>
We haven't gone so far as to give them the wrong date, but we have been intentionally vague with everyone.  Mostly because I don't want everyone I know making "where's the baby?!" comments if I go a little past, but also so if either fam wants to buy tickets early they'll either have to guess at when to come or call and tell us what they're planning.</p>
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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>weliveintheforest</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1290043/my-mother-makes-my-eye-twitch#post_16173307"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>I would stick to the two week rule, and then set a very short time limit for their visit I think.  You can't really stop them from travelling to your city, but you can make it clear that A) they can't stay with you (sounds like that is already clear)  B) You will still be healing and need a lot of rest   C) Your move is a priority  D) they can visit again after you are moved and settled in</p>
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<br><br><p>DH and I talked about it this weekend, and this is pretty much exactly what we decided.  We're going to tell both fams they can come for a few days 2 weeks after, and/or come for a longer visit after we've moved.  I'm hoping that if we emphasize how busy we'll be with the move and how we won't really have much time for visiting (and how there won't be anywhere left to sit at our place) that they'll opt for a longer, more meaningful visit later.  But if they don't, at least we'll still get a little space with the two weeks buffer, plus a shorter visit that might be easier to handle. </p>
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<p>Thank you everyone for your ideas!  I know this is going to be tricky to work out, but hopefully I'll be able to remember all of your suggestions and apply them judiciously when it comes time to make my case.  :)</p>
 

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<p>I think this is your child and you deserve whatever time you need to adjust to new motherhood,  to feel better physically and emotionally (even though it's a very happy time it's still stressful and exhausting) and allow yourself time to pack/move.</p>
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<p>I don't think anyone "deserves" to see your child or that you're "denying" them anything if choosing an appropriate babymoon time, especially given the special set of circumstances both logistically and emotionally within your family. This is YOUR time to connect with your babe and partner, learn how to groove together as a family unit, to sleep, relax, nurse, and hang out in your jammies in bed loving on your baby. Don't let anyone convince you that grandparents or anyone else "deserves" to see your baby and that you're denying them of what they "deserve" because you are setting boundaries appropriate for your family during this sacred time.</p>
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<p>The fact that they are so blatantly ignoring your wishes (the whole,  "this is bull$sh!t" and they're coming anyway thing) shows me it wouldn't be the tranquil family visit some of the other posters may be expecting. People tend to judge situations based on how *their* family operates rather than how your family operates, know what I mean? I get it though, I have an overbearing mother and mil who are not good at respecting boundaries. With dd, my mom was at the birth (lives close by) but didn't come over for days after dd was born (at our request) and mil didn't come for over 3 weeks (again, at our request). I refuse to bear the burden of other people's emotions. Your birth is not about them.</p>
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<p>Email lots of pics and stick to your guns if you feel it's best for you and your new family. The postpartum period is a very fragile one emotionally for most mamas (especially first time mamas) and the LAST thing you need is the feeling of needing to protect your space from overbearing and emotionally abusive family.</p>
 
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