Mothering Forum banner

1 - 6 of 6 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,263 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I have had a very strained relationship with her since last April. We didn't spend Christmas with her this year, and she barely aknowledged the holiday at all - no gifts for the kids, no phone calls, etc.<br><br>
Yesterday a letter for DS arrived, thanking him for the gift that he had made her, and telling him not to "forget" her. She enclosed photos of herself, to help him "remember" her.<br><br>
I am angry that she is using my son to act out her guilt trips.<br><br>
He is too young to understand how bizarre her behaviour is. He wanted to put her pictures up on the wall. I suggested that he just keep them with the letter, to look at when he wanted - I didn't want to see them.<br><br>
I still need to find a way to move beyond the anger I feel towards her. Today I requested "Toxic Parents" from my library, and hope that it has some ideas for me.<br><br>
I find almost everything she does or says makes me irritated at best, and outright angry at worst. Even things that are really not worth getting upset about upset me!<br><br>
I know that therapy would be helpful, but I cannot afford it right now.<br><br>
Yesterday I scanned a bunch of my baby photos that I have borrowed from her and feel sad to see how happy she looked to be holding me. She has told me that those first few years of my life were the happiest of hers. I feel afraid that someday my children will look at their baby pictures and feel the same way.<br><br>
I just needed to post this little vent.... Thanks for reading and understanding...
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
11,341 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,769 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,919 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,128 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I completely understand your frustration toward your mother. I also worry about my son feeling about me the way I feel about my mom when he's grown. But you know, I'm aware of the fact that at some point I could screw up so bad that he feels anger with me and dreads any contact, so I'm just really careful. I lose it sometimes. I get furious sometimes. I'm human and I make mistakes. But I do things differently than my own mother did. I let him know every day that I love him. I make sure he knows my love for him is 100% unconditional and that even when he throws magnetix at me and pees all over the floor and I feel out of my mind with anger, I love him. He knows and feels this. I also make it a point to listen to him, hear his side and his opinions, and then I validate them. I respect his boundaries, I let him know I like to spend time with him, and when I F-up, I apologize. Deeply and sincerely, and I don't let him take the blame for my actions. I accept his apologies and do not accept blame for his actions. Basically, I examine my childhood, look at how my mother parented me and then do the exact opposite.<br><br>
My deepest hope is that by practicing these things daily or as often as needed, he'll grow up to understand that Mom is human and made some mistakes, but I always loved him and did the best I possibly could. My hope is that he'll be able to see my foibles and mistakes for just that and he won't roll his eyes every time I call him. I hope that if he chooses to have children or to have a partner, he'll feel safe to allow me access to the people HE loves most deeply in the world.<br><br>
I hope you don't feel I've taken your thread and made it about me. That is not my intent at all. I just wanted to share that I have similar fears and thought you might like to know how I make sense of them.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,263 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Thank you for these words of wisdom, Rigama. That's exactly what I need to do, and what I try to do with regards to my kids. I often feel I'm coming up short, but you're right: it's most important to make sure that he knows I love him, especially after I've been a less-than-great parent.
 
1 - 6 of 6 Posts
Top