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Discussion Starter #1
First, THANKS for your support!<br><br>
If you've seen my other thread, you know I keep going back and forth on my plan. Either I weigh the options and decide the plan isn't just right or I hit a snafu like. . . no room at the shelter!<br><br>
I woke up feeling anxious and strong and was all set to get mine and dc's things out of the house and be at the shelter when stbx got back in town. Called the shelter to make arrangements and ask a few questions and they have no room. The advocate just said sorry and didn't offer any alternatives.<br><br>
Spoke with my mom, who was here helping w/ dc while I make phone calls and she basically said that I don't need to fear him. We take risks every day just by getting in the car and that it would be safer for me to at least be at their house where I wouldn't be alone. Probably too, he would be on better behavior there than here at home. My mom doesn't work so I would never be alone there.<br><br>
I spoke w/ a legal aide at a law office a few weeks ago who said that me taking dc away to a shelter could be viewed negatively in a judge's eyes. That planted a seed I haven't been able to shake, even though I think that is bull. I called the lawyer I plan on using for divorce (have an appt next week) and he said he had never heard of that, it is dependent on the judge but that if were not safe of course we should get out. Problem is, nothing has been documented in a legal fashion. His abuse has mostly been verbal with a few instances of throwing, unsafe driving, threats. And it's not that we have been in physical danger (yet) just our brains/hearts are being hurt.<br><br>
Another part of me thinks that as long as I am going back and forth in my decisions that I should just stay put for now. It will probably be the honeymoon stage when he gets back.<br><br>
The advocate I like and have spoke with before at the dv ctr is out of the office today and the victim's center (where I do my counseling who also have advocates) are closed today.
 

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Why don't you call the police and get an emergency protection order? Even if he has not physically harmed you before... you own guns and are afraid of his reaction to your leaving him given his past tantrums (the unsafe driving etc.)<br><br>
With that information you should be able to get an emergency protection order, at least I know you could here with the whole owning a weapon thing.<br><br>
I think you should still go to your parents house with the PO and then you have legal documenation to cover you as to why you had to leave with the children.<br><br>
Stay strong Mama! You can get out! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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It sounds like your parents' house is a pretty decent option for you. There is a risk of violence, but if he's never been physically violent in terms of actually hitting you and causing injury (even if he's engaged in physically violent actions like throwing things or threatening) then I think you're not at the same level of risk as you would be if you were with a guy who had been highly violent before. Yes, there is some risk, but there is usually a pattern to the escalation. So I wouldn't let that fear stop you from going to your parent's house.<br>
My advice is leave now. Don't let fear, confusion or flaws in the plan stop you. It's so hard to leave, so if you've made it this far, don't let your hard work go to waste. The path of least resistance is to stay. The smart, sane, and good mother thing to do is to leave.<br>
I don't think there is a single woman on this board who wishes she had stayed with her abusive ex for a single day longer than she did.<br>
Leaving an abusive relationship is like quitting smoking or a drug addiction. Most women leave their abusers about five times before finding the strength to make a final split. If you fall off the wagon and don't leave, or if you go back to him, it doesn't make you a failure. It just means you have to get back on the wagon and try again.<br>
Trust me, all of us have been through this struggle, the fears, the confusion, the minimizing how bad it really is, the wanting to change him, the honeymoon phases where you think maybe he's really changing and it'll be okay -- we understand what you're going through.<br>
Good luck, and be strong. You can do this. The door is open for you to escape to freedom. I hope you take this chance. But if you miss this round, we are still here supporting you. It can be a long road to freedom.
 

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I agree with MamaJen. Now is a great time to leave. Yes, it's probable that it will be a honeymoon period when he returns... but for how long? Do you really want to continue to walk on eggshells knowing that at any moment he will reverse and become a UAV again? Don't let lack of legal documentation stress you. He has endangered your lives and that of your children, reckless driving while you are in the vehicle, throwing things... has he ever threatened physical harm? Just the fact that you are afraid to leave him in possession of guns says A LOT! All of those are good enough reasons to obtain a RO or OOP.<br><br>
It does sound like staying with your Mom would be a good thing. And on the shelter, just keep calling. If you really need in, you could call once or twice a day. People frequently leave shelter suddenly. So just know that that option isn't closed to you completely. And if for some reason it became unsafe for you to stay even with your Mom, you could still call the shelter and explain. At that point they may offer to see if you could get into a shelter in the next county over or I've even heard of them paying for a hotel room for a few nights.<br><br>
The final decision is of course yours. When I was leaving my X, he was also out of town. I was horribly confused and operating like on autopilot or in a dream state. While I was driving my DD and I to the DV shelter for admittance, I remember praying, willing X to call, holding my phone tightly in my hand, continually checking it as I drove. I felt that if he called, it would be a sign that I could stay and that things might change after all. Now, I thank the heavens he didn't call. I share that in the hopes that you may understand how normal it is to be so deeply conflicted and wanting to stay even as you are trying your damnedest to get to safety.<br><br>
Stay strong and know that we will support you in any way we can even if you decide this is going to take a bit longer. But know that right now you have an excellent opportunity and once you've actually taken the steps out the door, some of the fear and confusion is immediately gone. It begins to truly feel good and right pretty quickly. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/heartbeat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="heartbeat">
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Dc are at parent's so I can get some packing done. Forgot there is a family law atty I met through LLL, left her a msg. Just need to triple check that every move I make will not negatively affect me getting physical custody. Can't get ex parte today, courthouse closed for Harry Truman's birthday.
 

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I just realized our DC are the same age. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> DD is a Feb08 baby, although I don't post much in the old DDC cuz I know my X could track me through that and I already changed my username once.<br><br>
Anyway, I'll keep you in my thoughts as you work through this this weekend.
 
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