[no5no5]

So when I was pregnant with DD, I told a very select few people (not including any family members besides DH) in the first trimester, then announced to everyone else around 12 weeks. The reason I didn't tell more people is that I _hate_ it when people know that I am upset. I am a very open person about a lot of things, but I do _not_ like to cry in front of others and talking about something like m/c makes me cry, so I just do not want to do it (except with DH and DD, who see me cry all the time). My sister, who I am not super close to, was very upset that I didn't tell her right away. She made me promise that the next time I would tell her right away--preferably before even telling my DH.

So fast forward to this (late) pregnancy. I called her and told her the day after I got the BFP. And of course when I had to call my sister and tell her about the m/c I was crying on the phone, etc. But I thought that would be the end of having to talk about it with other people. I had told a few other friends, but I was able to email them, and that works much better because I can still do my crying in private. And after discussing something the first time (even over email) with someone I am less apt to cry the next time, even if it is in person. If that makes sense.

Then, last week, my mom called me three times in one day leaving weird messages and when I called her back asked me repeatedly if I was okay and told me a story about someone she knew having a miscarriage. I just said I was fine and left it at that. I called my sister and asked her point blank if she had told my mom, and she denied it. She admitted that she had told her that I seemed sad but claimed that the m/c story my mom told me was just a coincidence.

So today we are video conferencing with my mom (she is in another state and DD is not good at talking on the phone) and DD (2 1/2) is talking about Eyore and the fact that he is sad and she blurts out, "Mama's baby died. That's so sad." And despite the fact that I have to repeat nearly everything DD says when we are video-conferencing--my mom has some hearing loss--she gets the message loud & clear. I had been afraid of this, because DD talks about the m/c a lot, but what I was not expecting was for my mom to be totally calm and admit that she has known for weeks because my sister told her. I basically just started sobbing. It just totally reopened the wound.

Now, granted DD did blurt it out, so it's not like my secret was really ever safe, but I could have explained it away or said I didn't know what she was talking about if my mom didn't already know exactly what she was talking about.

I cannot believe my sister did this. Not only did she tell my mom, but she also lied about it afterwards. And the worst part is that my mom (of course) made me promise that I wouldn't tell my sister that I know she spilled the beans. I am so mad. I feel violated. And there is nothing I can do about it.

Well, I guess the thing I can do about it is to not tell my sister (if I ever get pregnant again) until I am in the THIRD trimester next time.

If you got this far, thanks for listening. I am just so upset. And DH's cell phone is dead, or he would have gotten the brunt of this.

 

[Authentic_Mother]

Oh Mama - Im so sorry this happened. I made it very clear early on with my pregnancy that I would dictate who was told and how they were told etc. Im so blessed that my family adhered.
I wish I could give you a big ol hug - I cannot imagine being forced to discuss it with people over and over.

And I here ya on your daughter talking about it. My 4 year old told someone at Walmart the other day that "Jesus took our baby. He is in heaven and he is an angel. And when we are angels we will hold him." It was really awkward for me to be so raw and have a stranger trying to offer comfort. But I think it was awkward for them too!
((hugs)) I am sorry for your losss

 

[Murihiku]

Your sister betrayed your confidence and then lied to you. I would be really upset if that happened to me.

 

[Carlyle]

Oh wow. I'm so sorry. I would totally confront your sister on this. If you don't want to let her know that your mom told you, you can tell her that "dd said something on video conference, and I could tell by mom's reaction that she already knew. You are the only person who could have told her. I'm extremely hurt that you would a) tell her and b) lie to me about it." I can't imagine ever having a normal relationship with my sister again if she had lied to me about something that big--especially when you only told her because SHE was being a total dork about your last pregnancy. Obviously this is a big deal to you and she has reason to know! Wow, I'm burned up at her just thinking about it! Good luck, I'm sorry that you have to deal with this, and I'm sorry about your miscarriage.

And it's not fair of your mom to ask you to promise not to let your sister know what happened--what a horrible way to set up a boundary between you and your sister! You are totally within your rights to rescind that promise and let her know that you will be having an open conversation with your sister to clear the air. What rubbish.

 

[mommato5]

Can I offer another perspective????

Perhaps your sister felt that you needed the support. Miscarriage and infant loss are both very isolating situations. It is VERY important that we not close ourselves off because it can make things worse. If you were my sister, I would of told our mother too. Moms need to know this so they can help us. Other family members and friends need to know as well. My opening up to others about my first two losses was something that ultimately helped other people I was either related to or came into contact with. Who knows, maybe your mom will come into contact with someone else who is going through that and can offer a shoulder and say "My daughter went through this as well, can I put you in contact with her". I believe we can turn negative things in our lives into something positive and a way to help others. Moms love their children. Sisters love eachother. It is only natural to be concerned. Please don't hold this against them.

 

[no5no5]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carlyle And it's not fair of your mom to ask you to promise not to let your sister know what happened--what a horrible way to set up a boundary between you and your sister! You are totally within your rights to rescind that promise and let her know that you will be having an open conversation with your sister to clear the air. What rubbish.

Well, you may be right about that. The thing is, even if my mom & sister don't keep confidences, I do. It's something I feel strongly about. My mom only confessed because she knew I would keep it a secret. And I will. For better or for worse.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommato5 Can I offer another perspective???? Perhaps your sister felt that you needed the support. Miscarriage and infant loss are both very isolating situations. It is VERY important that we not close ourselves off because it can make things worse. If you were my sister, I would of told our mother too. Moms need to know this so they can help us. Other family members and friends need to know as well. My opening up to others about my first two losses was something that ultimately helped other people I was either related to or came into contact with. Who knows, maybe your mom will come into contact with someone else who is going through that and can offer a shoulder and say "My daughter went through this as well, can I put you in contact with her". I believe we can turn negative things in our lives into something positive and a way to help others. Moms love their children. Sisters love eachother. It is only natural to be concerned. Please don't hold this against them.

I do appreciate your perspective. The thing that really gets me is that if my sister had said, "I'm worried about you and I really want to tell mom what happened," I would probably have agreed to it. It's not really that I didn't want my mom to know, just that I didn't know how to tell her without totally breaking down. And even if my sister had told my mom behind my back but answered honestly when I called her, I would not have been so upset. It's just that I really believed her when she said she hadn't told my mom, so when my mom suddenly said she was sorry for my loss I was just totally not expecting it.

Besides which, I should have been the one who made that decision. If my sister hadn't spilled the beans, I probably would have told my mom eventually anyway, when I was ready to talk about it.

 

[mommato5]

I bet if you had broken down, your mom would have just kept her arms around you! The afternoon that we came home from the hospital after Mary's death, my mom sat on my couch with me and just held me. That will always be something that I hold dear. I'm sorry you are feeling so hurt. I just always try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

[no5no5]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommato5 I bet if you had broken down, your mom would have just kept her arms around you! The afternoon that we came home from the hospital after Mary's death, my mom sat on my couch with me and just held me. That will always be something that I hold dear. I'm sorry you are feeling so hurt. I just always try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

My mom is 5 states away, so she definitely wouldn't have held me. Besides which, I am just not comfortable crying in anyone's arms but DH's. Maybe that's not normal, and maybe that's not healthy, but that's me. You know, I honestly doubt that my sister actually did it because she was worried about me. She has a lot of problems and has always been jealous of my happiness, and she probably felt that she had an opportunity to hurt me and jumped at it. I wouldn't be surprised if she's told my aunt, etc., too. This is not the first time she's done something that seemed to serve no purpose but to hurt me, but I guess I thought she had changed.

I will forgive her, of course, because she is my sister and I love her. But that's it for secrets as far as I am concerned. And that's it for thinking she's changed.

 

[railyuh]

Quote:

Originally Posted by no5no5 Besides which, I should have been the one who made that decision. If my sister hadn't spilled the beans, I probably would have told my mom eventually anyway, when I was ready to talk about it.

Exactly. I am more of the type to tell people about my early pg knowing that if I lose another baby I will want support from those people, but that has been my decision and it isn't right for everyone. If you aren't ready share people should respect that. I am so sorry you feel betrayed on top of the pain of your loss

 

[AngelBee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommato5 Can I offer another perspective???? Perhaps your sister felt that you needed the support. Miscarriage and infant loss are both very isolating situations. It is VERY important that we not close ourselves off because it can make things worse. If you were my sister, I would of told our mother too. Moms need to know this so they can help us. Other family members and friends need to know as well. My opening up to others about my first two losses was something that ultimately helped other people I was either related to or came into contact with. Who knows, maybe your mom will come into contact with someone else who is going through that and can offer a shoulder and say "My daughter went through this as well, can I put you in contact with her". I believe we can turn negative things in our lives into something positive and a way to help others. Moms love their children. Sisters love eachother. It is only natural to be concerned. Please don't hold this against them.

This was honestly what I was thinking.

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[hollycat]

possibly true, but the thing for sis to have done was to come back and say, you know what, we all love you we all want to take care of you, i know mom would want the opportunity for that. id really like to tell her. we'd really like to love you up. is that okay?

the op couldve had real reasons for not wanting mom to know.

my sister did somthing similar, altho in a different situation. after two losses, one a stillbirth, i was pregnant again. she lives near me and i was startign to show, so i told her. but i wasnt ready to tell mom or others, our mom is elderly and there was just no need to worry her until it stuck. i actually didnt want the pressure of worrying her. of course she told.

what i know about this particular sister is that she cant keep a secret. still love her but would never tell her anything that needs to be kept quiet anymore.

 

[Carlyle]

Hey, I just wanted to apologize if my previous post came across harshly. I totally respect that you value keeping your promises and secrets--I value that a lot too. I had a friend tell TONS of people with my first pregnancy (when I was bleeding lots too), and it really burned me up. So I can't imagine how hurt I would be if my sister did that--especially after knowing how important it was to me to keep things secret. So yeah. I'm sorry. Touched a sore spot for me too I guess!

I hope that if you feel like you need to clear the air between you and your sister that you can find a way to do that without feeling like you are breaking your confidence with your mom. I know that for me, clearing the air would help me keep a relationship with my sister. Especially about the lying, like you said. I wish you the best.

 

[no5no5]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carlyle Hey, I just wanted to apologize if my previous post came across harshly. I totally respect that you value keeping your promises and secrets--I value that a lot too. I had a friend tell TONS of people with my first pregnancy (when I was bleeding lots too), and it really burned me up. So I can't imagine how hurt I would be if my sister did that--especially after knowing how important it was to me to keep things secret. So yeah. I'm sorry. Touched a sore spot for me too I guess! I hope that if you feel like you need to clear the air between you and your sister that you can find a way to do that without feeling like you are breaking your confidence with your mom. I know that for me, clearing the air would help me keep a relationship with my sister. Especially about the lying, like you said. I wish you the best.

Hey, no, don't apologize. It didn't seem harsh to me, just really, really true.

Anyway, thanks so much to everyone for your responses. It really means a lot to me that I was able to post such a long, boring rant and you all took the time to read & respond.

You guys are awesome.

 

[Cuddlebaby]

yeah I'd be looking at the underlying problems. why do you feel like you couldn't have shared with your mom from the getgo? I sense relationship issues....

I would NOT be mad at sister. Asking someone to keep such a secret is too much to ask.

I would be DEVASTATED to be the mom and to know that you could not share with me but moreso knowing that you needed support and was in pain and hurting and could not lean on your mother....like I said, I'm sure there are strains there somewhere...but this is getting my thoughts back towards my older kids and what NOT to do to destroy our relationship.....Having been there, with you, not sharing my feelings with my mom I just could never NOT be 100% supportive of my extremely hurting adult child....can you tell I have some resentment? it hurts a LOT.

anyway give your sister a break. and huge huge empathetic hugs to you and hubby and daughter. you all need it. I wish I could take your pain away.....(I think I am being everyone's mother

)

Rebecca

 

[amandaleigh37]

I'm so sorry your sister betrayed your trust like this, and then lied about it. If I were in your shoes I would probably confront her, and let her know that she absolutely lost your trust and you won't be sharing anything with her again anytime soon. I think it was out of line for your mom to ask you to not tell your sister that she told you. I'm sorry.

 

[no5no5]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cuddlebaby yeah I'd be looking at the underlying problems. why do you feel like you couldn't have shared with your mom from the getgo? I sense relationship issues.... I would NOT be mad at sister. Asking someone to keep such a secret is too much to ask. I would be DEVASTATED to be the mom and to know that you could not share with me but moreso knowing that you needed support and was in pain and hurting and could not lean on your mother....like I said, I'm sure there are strains there somewhere...but this is getting my thoughts back towards my older kids and what NOT to do to destroy our relationship.....Having been there, with you, not sharing my feelings with my mom I just could never NOT be 100% supportive of my extremely hurting adult child....can you tell I have some resentment? it hurts a LOT. anyway give your sister a break. and huge huge empathetic hugs to you and hubby and daughter. you all need it. I wish I could take your pain away.....(I think I am being everyone's mother ) Rebecca

Okay, I guess I am going to be sharing more than I was planning on. Yes, we all have relationship issues. My sister had several nervous breakdowns/commitments in her teens and my mother has had problems with depression after dealing with all of that stress. Since then, I do not tell my mom anything that I think will cause her serious stress or that will cause her to worry about me. I know that isn't really conducive to a healthy mother/daughter relationship, but I feel like my life has been so good (especially in comparison to both of theirs) that it is a sacrifice I can make. And I have not had much I have had to conceal from her, because my life really has been very good.

But aside from all of that, I really am a very private person when I grieve. I share with my DH because he is like a part of me, but otherwise I do not want anyone around me. I don't think that there's anything wrong with that. I think my mom knows that about me, and I don't think she was hurt at all. In fact, I think my mom & I are a lot alike in that regard. IF she was hurt, it was because I told my sister and not her--which I never would have done, as I said, if my sister hadn't made a huge fuss about being told right away. Argh--now I am sitting here in tears at the idea that I've somehow been selfish and hurt my mom by not telling her, even though I do believe that not telling her was the right thing for me to do emotionally. And I do believe that she understands that.

What I hope for my DD when she is an adult is that she will always know I will be there for her when she needs me. I don't hope she tells me everything in her life or relies on me for everything she needs. I certainly don't hope she feels compelled to tell me things she would rather keep private.

 

[mommato5]

Don't feel bad! Sometimes it takes really looking at something from another perspective, if you KWIM. For me, my mom is my best friend. I cannot imagine not sharing with her all of my joys and sorrows. My sisters and I are close too. I think our moms would still worry about us no matter how things are going in our lives!

 

[Cuddlebaby]

extra hugs to you and I'm really sorry your sister betrayed you.

 

[3sweetsurprises]

I'm so sorry!! I didn't tell my sister-in-law for this very reason. She has in the past brought up private discussions between her and I in front of mixed company. She also often changes the story to make me look bad. For me, I needed to tell people on my terms, because of the reaction I knew I would get from some people. IMHO if your sister was worried about you then she should have mentioned it to you and possibly suggested a therapist not spread your secret.