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my sister needs some advice for her 13yo ds

1026 Views 6 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  BedHead
My sister had a really rough day with her 13 yo ds. He has tourrette's syndrome, and OCD. Today was awful, I don't think they've ever had a day this tough. He has been sick for a week or so and has been feeling cabin fever and wanting to get out. Today he was starting to feel better, but still coughing/contagious. He wanted to go to his friend's house and visit, but my sister advised him not to since that family has been in the hospital for a week with their younger child. She told him that it would not be very nice to expose a family with a sick child to this cold virus. But, that he could go over and play outside with his friend. Apparently this was not nearly good enough for him and he flew off the handle. She explained to him how she understands how he feels, wanting to get out and do something after being in the house sick for so long. She offered him to go for a walk with her, or on his own, or go outside and play with his friend, but not in his friend's house because of his cold.
long story short, there were many exhausting hours of yelling, physically keeping the child in the house after he stated he was going to run away, the child kicked his dad in the nose..
: I feel so sad for my sister, she tries so hard with her son, but I think she needs help. They are going to go for counseling, but what else can they do? Her son has a lot of issues, he feels that he should have equal say in what goes on in their house, he feels he is entitled to everything he wants regardless of his behavior.. He spends all of his free time on the computer and declines all the family activities, then tells my sister that she ignores him
: Her husband has cleared their computer of all the games etc. so no more computer for him. I hope that will help a lot. They do a lot of fun family activities and I think getting him more involved with them will help a lot of things.

thank you for any advice!
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My only advice would be to stop punishing him. Punishing gets in the way of finding solutions and builds lots of resentment and control trips. If I could do anything in my parenting over from the beginining it would be to never ever ever punish my children ever. Since punishiment is no longer in my parenting repertoire, relationships have has increased...communication is better. Life is not easy or perfect and I still make so many mistakes, geez, can i ever stop? But punishing is just not part of the equation and it has taken a lot of pressure off of the climate.
Thanks mamas, I'll pass this information on to my sister. I agree that the games are a good incentive for him, but there should be limitations on having them. However, due to the severity of his outburt yesterday, I wonder if the return of his games should be conditional. I'd like to see him earn them back over the next week(s) and show that he can responsibly play them and still be involved with family.
I feel so bad for my poor sister, she works so hard but to me, her husband works against her in the parenting department. He's former military and ummm how to put it delicately. He's not familiar with GD. His parenting involves a lot of yelling, threats and intimidation.
: He actually spanked the child on sunday.
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Punishing is not only hitting and spanking, but the withholding of privilege and rights to fresh air, movement and the pursuit of happiness. Adults do this to children and have such justifications for it! It is wrong. Period. How can we have a healthy relationship with our children if we have such deeply ingrained beliefs about the notion that they do not know what is best to do unless we overpower them and control them?
My husband also does not work with me in the discipline department. I believe in natural and logical consequences, he believes in punishment. It's a real problem in my house. What ends up happening is I do all the disciplining (because, as he says, they're my kids in the first place
: )

I have a 15 yo son who is adhd, and he's been a huge challenge. When he threatens to run away, I offer to help him pack his bags. He goes and cools off for a period of time then comes home. I make sure that when he's not in freak out mode that I shower him with hugs and kisses - he still likes them
I do a LOT of ignoring. I never take anything he says personally, ever, and I try - oh, how I try - not to let him get under my skin. If my son insisted he wanted to go and visit a friend but I didn't want him to pass germs on, I might tell him that I will let him go if he promised to wear a mask. I try not to just say NO, I try to give my kids an acceptable choice, or one that I don't think they will take, to try to get them to do what I think they should do. Warning - don't ever give any kid, no matter how old, a choice that you can't or won't follow thru on!
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