[quelindo]

So...my sister, who is prone to dramatics and exaggeration (i.e. lies), hosted a family gathering on Memorial Day with her third husband (she gets tired of one, has an affair and then marries the latest guy) who has been in the family less than one year. He has seemed nice enough, but there's something about him my other sisters and I just can't put our fingers on.

At the gathering my sister made a huge deal about how she had a glass of wine on the kitchen counter, and when she went back to it later it was half gone. She went on and on about it, even though no one else even seemed to know what she was talking about. We're all pretty sure none of the kids would have had any. I think I made a joke in front of everyone (to try to get her to shut up already) about how it wasn't me (I'm seven months pregnant).

Fast forward to last weekend, when my sister and her husband took my parents out for lunch (in yet another attempt to suck up to them before they re-do their wills and keel over, I guess), my sister's husband told my parents that on Memorial Day I told him privately that *I* was the one who drank the wine, but didn't want to admit it. And my mom believed him! She told my other sister, "I guess New Mama isn't as pure as we thought she was!"

Now, I don't want to debate whether or not half a glass of wine in one's third trimester is such a terrible thing, but the thing is, if I'd wanted to sneak some alcohol why would I do it at a family gathering? And why would I admit it to the newest member of the family, who I barely know, and who is hosting the event?

I'm at a loss to explain why he would do this. My parents find him so charming...but now I just think he's creepy and gross. I guess he and my sister deserve one another.

The worst part is that I can't defend myself to my mom. She's not the one who told me -- my other sister is. And even if I try to defend myself it will look like I'm protesting too much.

ARGH!

 

[mom2littlebean]

I can certainly understand your frustration! What on earth do these people have to gain by starting such ridiculous rumours! Perhaps they need to create drama to detract from their own shortcomings and try to win favour of your parents. These are sad actions of people who are insecure and can't trust themselves and as a result will undermine others at any cost to try and look good.
In many ways this is a form of mental illness. There is not much you can do to change the fact that they said such things about you. However, I think you can talk this out with your Mother and re assure her that it never happened. Whether she believes you or not is her choice but at least you can state your piece. Just remember to not cut down the people who started the rumour...keep your integrity and you will be respected.

To withdraw from an argument may not make you the winner but what you have saved is your dignity and grace.

Good Luck.

 

[beachcomber]

Hunh. I'm a pretty direct person. I'd phone him up and tell him that next time he wants to tarnish my character he should have the decency to do it to my face. And that if he ever did anything like that again, he'd regret it.

But then, I'm kind of direct like that.

Sorry you're going through this. And that your family are not as supportive of you as they should be. We can choose our friends but we can't choose our family.

 

[MamanFrancaise]

Whoa! I would be PISSED. I would call him up and give him an earful. I *hate* liars.

:

 

[AmandaBL]

And what a seriously stupid thing to lie about!!! Well, at least now you know what a giant ass he is. Maybe you can fix your sister up with her next conquest? :LOL Just kidding. Don't you just love family sometimes??? They can drive you to drink.

 

[Marieke]

Quote:

Originally Posted by New Mama I'm at a loss to explain why he would do this.

Maybe it's part of the plan to charm his, and your sister's, way into the will.

Quote:

My parents find him so charming...but now I just think he's creepy and gross.

Sounds like my mother's boyfriend, whom I thankfully have not met due to living on a different continent. He charmed his way around many of my mother's siblings from what I gather, but he's a major creep. The weird thing is I knew he was a creep the first time he emailed me, and it's just odd that you could get a vibe like that from a mere email. I later found out that he'd made sleazy comments to my brother's girlfriend (my younger brothers still live at home) and he'd actually called one of my brother's an idiot to his face, at the dinner table in our own house, where he was a guest (my brother is a college grad doing a university degree, so certainly no idiot).

I'm still not entirely sure what it is he's after, but with my parent's marriage on the rocks, he's been extremely "helpful" recommending an attorney to my mother, one who's incredibly unreasonable. So I get the feeling he's nothing more than a golddigger.

I hope to $deity that I never meet the creep, because I still want to punch him in the mouth for what he said to my brother, who is one of the sweetest guys I know and certainly never deserved to be disrespected like that in his own home. I also don't forgive my mother for sitting there and letting the guy say that to her son either for that matter.

But, trust your instincts... if you get creep vibes off this guy, then the odds are that he's a creep. Personally I'd take it up with him, and mention that he should watch whom he tells lies about. Alternatively you could get your other sister to try and defend you to your mother, or at least diffuse the story a bit... have her tell your mother that she knows you didn't do it, etc.

Good luck though.

Marieke

 

[Storm Bride]

Well...what a weaselly weirdo. I suspect we know who scooped your sister's wine. He's obviously a liar, and it sounds as though he's the kind of manipulator who stirs up trouble. You can't do much (if anything) about him and your sister...and if your parents believed him, I think you're stuck there, too. I'd make sure your other siblings know it wasn't you, though. This guy sounds as though he may be one of those people who just likes to stir people up for kicks...dangerous to have around.

 

[MrsMoe]

I say, forget them both. People want to lie about me, and "family" who would actually beleive that garbage? I would easily sever ties.

 

[~Megan~]

Call him on it.

 

[VikingKvinna]

Quote:

Originally Posted by amarasmom Call him on it.

Yeah, that'd be my approach, too. And I'd do it in such a way that it really puts the burden back on him -- "Why would you feel the need to lie about me? Why on earth would you want to hurt me like that?" etc. but VERY innocently, like you really want to understand his motivation. Not confrontationally, ykwim? With any luck, he'll squirm. If he's a cretin enough to stand his ground, then to hell with 'im.

Good luck, hon!
~Nick

 

[flapjack]

If the subject comes up, I'd tell your mama how outraged you are that she accepts the word of a near-total stranger over you, her own daughter. I wouldn't give that jackass the satisfaction of knowing he's upset me, personally- but that's just me. On the overall scale of things, he's probably just the latest in a line of disposable husbands (based on your sisters track record) whereas you and your family are what really matters.

 

[mom2emerson]

ughhhhhhhhhh!!! What a moron (not the word I'd really use, but I'm trying to be nice

). You have to do what you are comfortable doing. Me: I'd absolutely call him on it and I liked beachcombers comment that she'd let him know he'd regret it if he ever did it again.

...I actually had this great visual of a TAPED phone conversation (not suggesting it, I think it may be illegal in some places!) where you told him off, asked him why on earth he had the need to lie about you, and then played the tape for your parents........boy, that is a little evil isn't it?

But really, you know the truth and sounds like your sisters know the truth, so just be sad for his wife and your parents who don't seem to know the real you...also sounds like they are a little jealous of the person you really are.

AND......if all else fails send him and has wife a bottle of wine with a nice note!

 

[Full Heart]

My fil lied to my bil and his wife and I found out (seems I was the only person that knew) and told my bil and his wife. And they called him on it - in front of me. So that he couldn't get away with it. But you know what? It didn't change a thing. My ils still withhold info and lie

: we try not to have too much to do with them anymore because it just obvious they have serious issues. We certainly don't need that influence in my children's lives! I don't think saying anything, or calling him on it would do a thing. Unless you are super sneeky and manage to get everyone in the family to see what he is really like you aren't going to get anywhere. Just try not to have anything to do with him.

Michelle

 

[Baby Hopes]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mom2emerson AND......if all else fails send him and has wife a bottle of wine with a nice note!

lol.

I'd send Sis & BIL a corked half-bottle with a note attached explaining that "it couldn't be helped, what with being a 7 month pregnant wino." When the crap hits the fan, laugh it off. Explain that the original idea that you would finish your sisters half glass (when really, couldn't you have snuck a WHOLE glass with less drama?) was so ludicrous that it deserved a good laugh.

Brush it off, and act non-pulsed.

And from now on out, be on guard against BIL. He's got something up his sleave.

 

[Sagesgirl]

You know, I had pretty much the same thing happen to me a little while after I had my first daughter (of course everyone knew I was nursing her). I'd gone out that night with my best friend and another friend (a relative's ex, so connected to my family) who'd had her baby a couple weeks after I had mine...Anyway, we stopped at a convenience store on our way back to my best friend's place and picked up some sodas. As we were pulling out of the parking lot, I saw the wife of another cousin and made the stupid, stupid mistake of calling out to her to say hi. Anyway, we chatted for like 15 seconds in the parking lot...And two months later it got back to me via my mother that this woman had gone home all het up and called my aunt (her mother-in-law) with some stupid story about how she saw me and the other woman in the store buying beer.

Of course, that she was lying was obvious to everyone in question, as I am known for loathing beer! To this day I have no freaking idea why she concocted that story, and to be honest I don't care (nor did I then).

Of course, I had the foreknowledge that the woman in question is a total dingbat.

As my mother is fond of saying--consider the source and ignore it. Personally, I wouldn't waste my time trying to defend myself to someone so quick to believe the "worst" of me, relative or no.

 

[cresorchid]

Myabe I'm rude, crass, and a b****, but if it were me, I would wait until the whole family is gathered, confront the bil, and then turn to my parents and tell them that if they have so little respect for me that they would believe something like that, that you don't want them in their forthcoming grandchild's life.

I think making a real stink about it and forcing the issue into the light of day will make a BIG difference. It will also let your parents know that you have some standards.

 

[loewymartin]

I think I'd bring it up in front of your parents, sisters and him and ask why he would lie about you drinking? In a very concerned "I'm worried about your health and welfare" voice. He will be surprised you mentioned it at all, and will most likely be backpedalling in front of everyone. Then I'd turn to my folks and do a "shame on you for believing something so silly and obviously untrue" look and comment.

I'd then completely steer clear of him. He's out for something - and it's only going to come back to bite you (I think he'll be making comments regardless of whether you say something or not. If you don't respond he'll think you are "easy bait" if you do respond he'll then have to make things up to be vengeful). But once you've pointed out his lies once, I'd hope your family would wake up and realize they can't always listen to him.

Michelle

 

[ewe+lamb]

I think the issue here is that he 'wants' to make an issue out of this because then he can split your family apart - I've been through this with sil - she's tried to start several rumours around - it's just not worked and unfortunately now keeps my brother at a great distance from his family! It's so sad but I do believe that it is a control issue and it's certainly not uncommon. Yes it's cruel and unkind but at the end of the day YOU know the truth and liers need very good memories - they get intrenched in elaborate stories and forget what they have told different people - I'm sure it'll all come out in the end, it certainly has with us and now we're all like - yeah right, whatever with sil. She's just made a fool of herself with all the stupid stories and suchlike. I'd try to sit it out - it sounds as if he's just a passing ship anyway. Hopefully your M+D will work things out for themselves - doesn't sound as if it will take very long!
Good luck and

to you not what you want at this stage in your pregnancy!

 

[henhao]

That would drive me bonkers and I would def tell my mother. I'd just say I don't know why he said that but it didn't happen. Like others said, I wouldn't say one bad word about him or the sister.

Having some wine in the 3rd tri isn't a big deal anyway, IMO. So why would you bother to hide it?

 

[nancy926]

Oh, PLEASE. I'm 7 mo pregnant and just bought a bottle of my favorite shiraz cabernet for our 5th anniversary this weekend. And yes, I'm having a glass!

Wine in the 3rd tri is not that big a deal. I would suspect it's not even that big a deal earlier (in reasonable quantities). We are so uptight about this in the US - it's kind of weird, imho.

I have met women who will NOT look at alcohol during pregnancy but have multiple ultrasounds for no medical reason, and then scheduled C sections for convenience. It's all a matter of perspective, I guess....