[vocalise]

I am realizing that all the mess to do with dd's dad is really influencing how I feel about men right now. This is by no means intentional; in principle, I love men and believe them to be equal to women and potentially great human beings just like anyone else. But right now, I have a bit of a hate-on for them. And a fear-on. And a suspicion-on. I'm seeing men as predatory and potentially dangerous. Masculine features that remind me of dd's dad make me feel literally ill. I find myself entertaining the idea of avoiding closeness with men for the rest of my life.

Wow. I never thought that my interactions with a single human being could so colour my view of half the world's population. I know it's temporary, but I think I'm beginning to understand where prejudice can come from. And it feels awful.

Anybody had a similar experience or words of wisdom to share? I realize that this thread might offend some, and I want to assure you that it's not my intention to spread hatred; I'm just curious about these strong, irrational feelings I'm having right now.

 

[ferra]

Oh wow, I can totally relate. I had an a**hole father growing up and after my last bf (not ds' dad) I am so turned off of men. The last bf was a total drinker, and ended up being very abusive. He really pushed my limits.
I have a hard time relating to men and feel uncomfortable. I too hope its a phase. I am thinking about going back to my therapist to work it through.

I know there are "good" ones out there. I feel a little hopeless though.

 

[guestmama9944]

No words of wisdom here since I'm feeling it too.

 

[meemee]

just so you know. v. v. normal. most women and men go thru this. whether there are kids involved or not. i think for us women it is a coping skill.

where it becomes dangerous imho is when you hold on to that image. and dont let it go. and let that colour all your relationships after that.

then truly your ex has won. he truly succeeded in making your life so miserable that you never want to date again. if you make that a concious decision that is absolutely fine. women react in many ways. some go back to dating and on with their lives. some say enough of this emotional drama. too much of a hassle. and then there are others who are ok with how life is going as a single person. who is not seeking but neither refusing. who dont actively date neither do they say no to it if the opportunity came to them.

i would not worry too much about this. you already have enough on your plate. but keep an eye on it and if after months and years you still feel the same then you need to figure something out.

one of the things i discovered myself is - habit. everything is a habit, in which we get v. comfortable. because its so addicting. and then its really hard to change. so be aware of that too.

and yes i did walk that same path as you for two whole years after my separation. but overnight, like the snap of the fingers things changed. i was finally able to see every man for themselves rather than an extension of my ex.

 

[missgranger]

No advice, but lots of hugs. I'm there, too, which makes me sad because I have boys and I don't want to have such a negative view of men. We will get better with some time and distance. Do think back on positive men you have known.

 

[zoshamosha]

I was going to write the same post.

 

[BugMacGee]

Cheers! I feel the same way. I'm wondering how I will ever get this chip off my shoulder.

 

[vocalise]

Well at least I'm not alone!

I'm pretty overwhelmed right now by the sensation that my whole outlook on a bunch of things is changing... It's a bit of an identity crisis, I guess. But it's good to know that it will likely pass in time, and that I'm not the only one.

Hugs to all of you.

 

[jt'smum]

Yep feel the same way!

 

[princesstutu]

Quote:

Originally Posted by meemee and yes i did walk that same path as you for two whole years after my separation. but overnight, like the snap of the fingers things changed. i was finally able to see every man for themselves rather than an extension of my ex.

So what do you suggest when the woman doesn't see every man as an extension of her ex. She seems them for themselves. And, she's still turned off.

I don't know. I feel this way. I'm beginning to worry about myself. I see that there are men out there who are good for their mates, but no way would I want to put up with him. He's a "good guy" tho. Not just by social standards (ie "he doesn't beat me or verbally abuse me"), but genuinely decent guys.

And, I'm still turned off.

I've never really liked men, since I was a little girl. I'm not sure how much of it was the fact that my bio father beat the crap out of my mom. My step-dad's been in the picture since I was two, but as a very literal person, I always found him to be a liar. I understand, now, that the things I consider lies are things neurotypical ppl don't see as a big deal, but...there it is.

I'm not sure how much of this is me being an Aspie (I'm v v sure I'm Aspie...from all my research) and how much of it is the actual men, but I can't seem to stand them for longer than a few minutes. Sometimes I feel I need help (like now

), but most of the time, I think, Look around the world. Look what they do and what they've done. I feel justified and correct in my feelings. It doesn't help that I meet nice guys (b/c I do! often. and date them, too). There's always something that seems misogynist about them.

So...there it is. I keep hoping I'll move past this, but I'm almost four years single. WTF?

PS: Thanks, OP, for starting this thread, cuz I've been wanting to discuss this with ppl who are not close friends and/or my therapist.

I feel I need more objectivity.

 

[Seie]

My BF is one of the decent guys - and even he wonders sometimes what women need men for. He has asked me - with genuine curiousity - "What do you women see in men anyway. You are such fine, warm creatures while we are raw and primitive. What do you need us for at all"? I couldnt answer

On a more serious note - I wouldnt be too worried just yet - you already seem well aware that your feelings are irrational and wont do you any good in the long run. Thats the first step towards getting a more normal balance. And having been in an abusive relationship I recently met the man of my dreams. And I promise - there really are decent, good (single) men outthere

 

[TLC5]

I was married to my children's father for 12 years. I don't want anything to do with men. I just want to be a mom!