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My son hates his dad. I don't know how else to say it. He has not seen him since he was maybe 5 yrs old. He's going to be 13 this month. But every time his name comes up he just gets so angry...and he's an angry kid in general some times.<br><br>
I have tried really hard not to be negative about his dad, but without lying or pretending things were different than they are. I don't feel like I have done the "poor me" thing and I know that my parents long ago stopped talking about my ex as well. He just really hates him. At this point, I have remarried, and my husband, although admittedly he gets really frustrated w/ my DS because he is disrespectful and very loud and acts out etc, but he loves him, and my DS thinks he's the greatest guy that ever walked. He seems to think that just because he has DH now he doesnt need his dad anymore for anything. He has gone so far as to asking if DH would adopt him, but although DH would, I felt that his 'real dad' should be responsible for paying his child support, even if he doesnt choose to be a part of his life, so we havent done that. It just gives us a little bit of room to do special things for DS that we didn't have before.<br><br>
So I have wanted so bad to write to his dad (I dont even know if I can do that? the only way I know he even is alive is because the court is in contact with him) and just tell him about his son, and how beautiful of a child he has, how much he's hurting because of how things ended, and just generally how his life is now. I think in my mind that if it were me, Iwould want to know that my son was ok and healthy even if I wasnt there. DS doesnt want to talk to him or hear from him or anything. Is it right for me to step in? Should I just leave well enough alone? I guess I just think that some day he is going to want a relationship with his dad, but maybe again thats just me projecting.<br><br>
I should add that his father and I seperated and he had visitation for a year or so before DS went to visit him for a month during the summer, and 3 wks or so into it, my ex called and said he couldn't "handle him" any more and to come get him. He had left him with his girlfriend's mom for "a few days" because he was working over the road. When we got there to get him, they wouldn't let us take any of his videos (he had a collection of about 20 movies that he brought with him that my mom and dad had been collecting for him) and I think some of his toys as well "just in case they might not be ours". That was the last time that DS ever saw his dad that I can remember, and that was 7 yrs ago. I think he may have called at most twice right after that. In order to get our divorce I had to file without him and prove to the court that I had searched for him (via newspapers/internet/etc)<br><br>
He didnt even pay child support until they caught up with him about 3 yrs ago and took his income tax money and a lot more out of his paychecks. Child Support actually had to hunt me down to give it to me, and that took quite some time.<br><br>
Anyways, sorry for the length... but wwyd?
 

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I would leave it alone. Please read my post about our camping retreat. It sounds like something your family could really benefit from. It was a life saver there for many parents and their teens. There was a lot of discussion about wounds that people give us and it sounds like your son has a big bleeding one about his dad. We also learned to let go of the wounds and start from this moment on. PM me if you like.
 

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Would you/have you consider(ed) counseling for your son? My brother was a very angry young man, and finally got counseling when he wanted to get married and the wise woman he married said NO WAY she'd say yes unless he got rid of the anger...but that was a long time to wait when he was so bereft and angry and...sad...for so long because of the way things were for us when we were young.<br><br>
There are, as pp mentioned some intense "courses/seminars" that can give you a great stepping stone for him/you to start working on things.<br><br>
As far as contacting your ex...I wouldn't. If he wants to see his son, he knows where his money is going...or can find out, even if he has to get your permission through the court. It's just setting your son up for loss again, in my opinion. From the point of view of a hurt child, I say don't invite more pain, but DO foster healing, if you can.
 
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