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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I asked dp if we could clean up our back yard, because it's a wasteland of old leaves, cigarette butts, and dog poop. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: He grudgingly agreed, so yesterday, he went out with the leaf blower <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">: and the kids and I came out with rakes.<br><br>
After a while, ds2 and I went into the front yard. A short while later, ds1 (who's 11) came to us, crying and angry. He said dp had been yelling at him for "raking wrong." Ds1 said "Why does he always find fault with everything I do?"<br><br>
Ds went to the back again to fetch something. Dp asked what we were doing in the front. Ds answered that we were picking up cigarette butts. Apparently, dp didn't like ds' tone or facial expression, because he started yelling again.<br><br>
Ds came back to me, sobbing "Why does Daddy hate me?" I tried to reassure him that dp does love him, but ds had a long list of reasons to refute me.<br><br>
Ds said his father:<br><br>
Seldom wants to spend time with him, or "family time"<br>
Frequently buys himself stuff, but gets rid of things that ds gifts him with<br>
Has promised repeatedly to quit smoking, but gives up quickly<br>
Yells at ds for doing things that dp does too<br>
Ends up yelling/in a bad mood a lot in general<br><br>
Then he said "If Daddy wasn't in our family anymore, I'd get almost the same amount of positive attention, and only 1% of the negative attention!"<br><br>
I just felt stunned. Ds did NOT hear these complaints from me, unless he's a mind reader; they're all from his own head. And, though he may have stated them overdramatically, they're all true. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
So much for kids being blissfully ignorant. Later, even ds2, who's 3, unintentionally got in a couple of zingers. He was pretending to be his father, and pretending I was the little boy. He started to leave the yard without me, so I said "Don't go without me, Daddy, I'm just a little boy!" Ds answered, in a disparaging tone "I don't take care of you, Mommy does."<br><br>
Later on, still pretending to be dp, he said "Let's go play. I decided to play with you, because I'm nice now." <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
Dp yelled at ds1 again at dinner time, because ds went to the bathroom when he was supposed to be setting the table. Dp told him to "stop whining," and "just shut up"-- twice. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"><br><br>
Dp and ds1 later apologized to each other for "overreacting" about the dinner thing.<br><br>
I'm thinking I'm going to tell dp it's either time for counseling or separation. This is insane.
 

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How absolutely heartbreaking. Your poor kids. You are doing the right thing to insist your partner either attends counseling or leaves the family. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>darien</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10778328"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
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I'm thinking I'm going to tell dp it's either time for counseling or separation. This is insane.</div>
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It's about time and, honestly, you shouldn't be "thinking" about it. You should do it!<br><br>
I've been following your posts for a while and my heart breaks every time I read one. It really does. I feel so bad for you and your precious children.<br><br>
I don't remember all the details of your situation, but I think you've been worried about finances and such. But, (and I'm not biblically inclined), "out of the mouths of babes" comes to mind.<br><br>
It doesn't sound like your kids or you are getting anything positive out of this marriage. On the contrary, it sounds like it's the opposite.<br><br>
I think you're living in fear and denial and convincing yourself that this is the best for you and your kids. It's not.<br><br>
Counseling or separation!
 

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It's my opinion it's time for separation with counseling and changes happening before he comes back. The damage he's doing to those kids isn't going to magically disappear...even if your DP wants to change, it's going to take time and in that time, further damage will be done to the kids.<br><br>
I'm sorry <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>DariusMom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10778452"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It's about time and, honestly, you shouldn't be "thinking" about it. You should do it!<br><br>
I've been following your posts for a while and my heart breaks every time I read one. It really does. I feel so bad for you and your precious children.<br><br>
I don't remember all the details of your situation, but I think you've been worried about finances and such. But, (and I'm not biblically inclined), "out of the mouths of babes" comes to mind.<br><br>
It doesn't sound like your kids or you are getting anything positive out of this marriage. On the contrary, it sounds like it's the opposite.<br><br>
I think you're living in fear and denial and convincing yourself that this is the best for you and your kids. It's not.<br><br>
Counseling or separation!</div>
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I absolutely agree, 100%. I am dealing with some of the same issues over here (although not to that extent) and I was very upfront with my dp and told him that he either better shape up or it was counseling or separation. It has turned out to be much better in our household once he realized I wasn't backing down.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/praying.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="praying">:
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">: I'm glad you're getting counseling. your dh's behavior sounds so much like my dad's was. It's horrible growing up like that.
 

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What your DS said just breaks my heart. "Why does Daddy hate me?" If I were you I'd let your DP know how his son feels about him. He deserves to know how his negative behavior is directly impacting that child.<br><br>
I grew up in a yelling household. It is not something I'd wish on a child. I wish one of my parents had said "seperation or counseling" to stop that hateful enviroment. Stand firm, mama.
 

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Please don't forget that if you do choose to split up, the childrens' father will almost definitely be granted at least partial custody and/or all the visitation time he asks for. And, he may surprise you by asking for much more time than he currently spends with dc - and taking it.<br><br>
In the current situation, at least the dc have their mom available as a buffer from the father's attitude and behavior. Should you separate, you will, in all likelihood, be forced by the court to hand over your children to him for extended periods of time, and without regard to their actual well-being.<br><br>
Unbelievable, but true. Go look around at the Single Parenting forum if you need confirmation of this.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Please don't forget that if you do choose to split up, the childrens' father will almost definitely be granted at least partial custody and/or all the visitation time he asks for. And, he may surprise you by asking for much more time than he currently spends with dc - and taking it.<br><br>
In the current situation, at least the dc have their mom available as a buffer from the father's attitude and behavior. Should you separate, you will, in all likelihood, be forced by the court to hand over your children to him for extended periods of time, and without regard to their actual well-being.<br><br>
Unbelievable, but true. Go look around at the Single Parenting forum if you need confirmation of this.</td>
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Yep. This is so true.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>ombra*luna</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10780264"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">In the current situation, at least the dc have their mom available as a buffer from the father's attitude and behavior. Should you separate, you will, in all likelihood, be forced by the court to hand over your children to him for extended periods of time, and without regard to their actual well-being.</div>
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This is why I'm afraid to confront him.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>ombra*luna</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10780264"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Please don't forget that if you do choose to split up, the childrens' father will almost definitely be granted at least partial custody and/or all the visitation time he asks for. And, he may surprise you by asking for much more time than he currently spends with dc - and taking it.<br><br>
In the current situation, at least the dc have their mom available as a buffer from the father's attitude and behavior. Should you separate, you will, in all likelihood, be forced by the court to hand over your children to him for extended periods of time, and without regard to their actual well-being.<br><br>
Unbelievable, but true. Go look around at the Single Parenting forum if you need confirmation of this.</div>
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Of course, this is true. But what can also happen is that the dad can decide he doesn't actually want th kids as much (kinda' sad, but it happens a lot). Also, it can happen that the divorce is a wake up call to the dad and he can pull his head out of his a$$. Lastly, I think by staying in a marriage and watching her kids be, basically, emotionally abused, the OP is implicitly condoning the behavior. Moreover, she's allowing this to be the kids' vision and model of what a marriage can/should be. By standing up for herself and her kids, she'll be setting a positive example. As it is, she isn't able to buffer all the time or these things wouldn't be happening. And by staying in the marriage she's martyring herself.<br><br>
I'm not saying leave. but I am saying, counseling or separation. I'm also saying that staying to be a buffer isn't always such a great idea.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I'm going to tell him tonight.<br><br>
I was going to talk to him last night, but he decided to take a <i>4 hour nap</i> after dinner! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"> So typical-- I'm sure it didn't even cross his mind that that might inconvenience me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
I'm very nervous.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
Good luck!<br><br>
Stay strong. You're not doing this to be mean or antagonize him. You're doing it to try and keep your family together in a healthy way.
 

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Hello, I am new here since I just reached 60 days<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br>
I just wanted to send you some <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/goodvibes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Goodvibes">:<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> Be strong!!! You are being the best Mama you can be by addressing these terrible issues.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> and Good Luck to the OP.<br><br>
I agree that taking action (asking for counseling first) is the best course.<br><br>
If it does end up with divorce and the dad gets custody, I have heard from other Moms in this situation that it's very beneficial to have a home free from emotional abuse even if the kids do have to spend time with their Dad. Even if the Dad keeps being a [UA violation] the kids have the love and support of their Mom and they have a chance to work through it. Even though it's still very, very hard to have to send kids to be with someone who treats them like that the Moms have found it better overall.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"> Good luck tonight mama.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I looked at dp's credit card statements, in preparation for talking to him tonight. He owes $10,000 <i>more</i> than he did 9 months ago (and it was a lot!), when we hashed it out, and he promised me he'd drastically cut his spending. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hopmad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hopping mad"><br><br>
Even if most of the excess is interest, he hasn't kept his promise. Now I'm less nervous and more furious.
 
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