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My Story

665 Views 4 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  Khadijah
My name is Kathleen and I'm 22 years old. I have a 3 month old daughter named Morgan. I have had depression before I was pregnant, been hospitalized, self injured, attempted suicide and I also have a personality disorder and anxiety.

I had a major anxiety disorder a few hours after her birth and a psychiatrist came to talk to me. I was supposed to be on meds before hand but had stopped them myself (which I do NOT suggest anyone does). I was doing pretty good until I got pregnant, the hormones I guess.

The psychiatrist put my on 20mg of Prozac which is now up to 40mg. This is still not a lot as I used to be on 150mg of Zoloft AND 100mg of Wellbutrin. I was nursing at the beginning though so we didn't want too much.

I started going downhill, wanting to die and leave my baby with someone who was a better parent, not wanting to do anything but sleep and read books, not wanting to feed her, change her or take care of her anymore. I was also having paranoid thoughts, hallucinations and dissasociating. I was put on an anti-psychotic, Seroquel, which I have been on before. There is absolutely no research on the effects of Seroquel on nursing babies so I had to make the decision to quit breastfeeding or possibly put my baby at risk. Breastfeeding was very important to me, I felt like a failure if I didn't. I didn't think other bottle-feeding moms were bad, but I would be if I didn't breastfeed. Double standard I know. I cried and cried but didn't want to put my baby at risk either and I knew I needed the meds. I'm still grieving the breastfeeding experience and feeling like there is not enough support for bottle feeding moms.

I am now on 40mg of Prozac and 100mg of Seroquel a day. I"m still depressed, I think I need more Prozac, although I am better. I still dissasociate a little but not like I was before and I'm not having hallucinations anymore and very few paranoid feelings. I'm seeing a social worker and in an anxiety class and grief class as my MIL recently died too.

So I'm looking forward to participating in this board. I'll be going to a local PPD support meeting too in a few weeks.
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wow, sounds like a awful experience. Even when the doctors tell me the medication is not researched in breastfeeding babies because you can't do studies like that, I have always choose to continue breastfeeding. The depression that quitting would cause would be so awful it is worth the risks to me. I am glad that the meds are working for you. How did you find a local group to go to?
oh wow, I am so sorry that things are rough for you right now. There was a long period of time that I was taking lamictal and they weren't sure about taking it while pregnant. That was huge for me because at that point I had dd but wasn't married and knew that I eventually wanted another. Thankfully I was able to wean off eventually but I understand. You did the RIGHT THING for you and your baby, making sure that she was safe. You did, and you have to keep telling yourself that. Bottle feeding is NOT a bad thing. I didn't breastfeed dd and she is a beautiful, healthy, well adjusted 7 yr old girl. But I understand your grief because I am breastfeeding ds and the thought of stopping saddens me. Good luck with your meetings, I think that is wonderful that they have them by you. And keep posting, it helps.
I dont have anything much to say but I just wanted to give you a hug and say your not alone Ive been were you are at, and I hope you can get better soon.
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