Hello, sorry this might get l-o-n-g
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I guess I've had issues all of my life. I always felt different, you could say. as a child, I felt like I wasn't very important, and that everyone felt the same about me. My mom was 35 when I was born, and my dad was almost 54. I am the 3rd oldest out of 7 kids. I've always felt like I was in the way, and just a nuisance to everyone. No one cared how I felt, and I was never on any medication. I felt like I had to please everyone or they wouldn't like me. I didn't want anyone to really notice me either, so I did my best to blend into everything.
Fast-forward several years. I always had self-esteem issues and hated the way I looked (still do). Well, I wound up pregnant at age 16, and was forced to get married by my mother. That led to more insecurities and problems. I didn't trust the DH, and I really had a hard time bonding with my son. I went through the motions, but didn't feel "connected" to him. Which leads to another issue. I really wanted to BF. My mom BFed & CDed all 7 of us, so it was what I wanted to do. Well, the MIL (who we were living with, and was like 400 lbs., would scare anyone) was totally against BFing, so she undermined me every chance she could. She made me feel guilty about BFing, so I gave up. Same thing happened with each of my sons. I know most of it is my fault, I could've done more, been more educated, but it all goes back to my self-esteem issues. I was worried that they were indeed starving. With Ethan (now 5 yrs old), he went a whole day without peeing at 3 days old. So I immediately gave him a bottle of formula and called myself a dismal failure once again. I have tremendous guilt over that. I can't seem to forget it. I cry almost daily about it. I feel like I failed them. I would change it in a heartbeat if I could.
I have since divorced that man, and now I am very happily married with 2 daughters who I am tandem nursing (they are 3 & 14 months). I am so much happier now than I ever was. When I left my 1st husband (who was emotionally and verbally and physically abusive), I got on Zoloft. That was wonderful! I felt so much better! But I still have a lot of resentment towards the X & his whole family. I still have to deal with them because of the boys, which brings back all of that guilt and bad memories everytime I see them. I feel like they ruined my relationships with my sons, which of course I feel enormous guilt over too.
I went off of the medication when I found out I was PG with DD#1. I didn't get back on it until 6 months ago. This time I'm on Lexapro (10 mg). Works wonderful too. But I think I need to see a therapist about some of theis guilt and other issues. I have an appointment tomorrow with my Dr. whose been working with me on this. I'm going to mention it to her, and see if she can recommend someone.
Sorry this got so long. I really needed to get it out in the open.
I guess I've had issues all of my life. I always felt different, you could say. as a child, I felt like I wasn't very important, and that everyone felt the same about me. My mom was 35 when I was born, and my dad was almost 54. I am the 3rd oldest out of 7 kids. I've always felt like I was in the way, and just a nuisance to everyone. No one cared how I felt, and I was never on any medication. I felt like I had to please everyone or they wouldn't like me. I didn't want anyone to really notice me either, so I did my best to blend into everything.
Fast-forward several years. I always had self-esteem issues and hated the way I looked (still do). Well, I wound up pregnant at age 16, and was forced to get married by my mother. That led to more insecurities and problems. I didn't trust the DH, and I really had a hard time bonding with my son. I went through the motions, but didn't feel "connected" to him. Which leads to another issue. I really wanted to BF. My mom BFed & CDed all 7 of us, so it was what I wanted to do. Well, the MIL (who we were living with, and was like 400 lbs., would scare anyone) was totally against BFing, so she undermined me every chance she could. She made me feel guilty about BFing, so I gave up. Same thing happened with each of my sons. I know most of it is my fault, I could've done more, been more educated, but it all goes back to my self-esteem issues. I was worried that they were indeed starving. With Ethan (now 5 yrs old), he went a whole day without peeing at 3 days old. So I immediately gave him a bottle of formula and called myself a dismal failure once again. I have tremendous guilt over that. I can't seem to forget it. I cry almost daily about it. I feel like I failed them. I would change it in a heartbeat if I could.
I have since divorced that man, and now I am very happily married with 2 daughters who I am tandem nursing (they are 3 & 14 months). I am so much happier now than I ever was. When I left my 1st husband (who was emotionally and verbally and physically abusive), I got on Zoloft. That was wonderful! I felt so much better! But I still have a lot of resentment towards the X & his whole family. I still have to deal with them because of the boys, which brings back all of that guilt and bad memories everytime I see them. I feel like they ruined my relationships with my sons, which of course I feel enormous guilt over too.
I went off of the medication when I found out I was PG with DD#1. I didn't get back on it until 6 months ago. This time I'm on Lexapro (10 mg). Works wonderful too. But I think I need to see a therapist about some of theis guilt and other issues. I have an appointment tomorrow with my Dr. whose been working with me on this. I'm going to mention it to her, and see if she can recommend someone.
Sorry this got so long. I really needed to get it out in the open.
