[SierraBella]

I am having a minor dilemma with a name. My favorite grandmother's name was Lila Christine. I LOVE the name Lila, and would love to honor my grandmother (She actually went by Chris, but I dislike Christine). However, my sister has "claimed" Lila already. I asked her if she's mind if I used it as a middle name, because it doesn't even matter in the middle name spot because she wouldn't be going by that name.. she told me she'd be really pissed if I did

My other 2 children have a middle name honoring a family member, and I don't want to leave this one out (if it's a girl) of that tradition. But the only female family member's name that I LOVE and would work with Iris (her first name) and our long hyphenated last name, is Lila. Also, my sister has no children so she doesn't really understand that it's not that big of a deal to share a middle name with someone in the family- it's not like we're going to have two little Lilas running around. I don't want her to hate me over it, but I feel like I have just as much rights to my grandmothers name as she does. Granny and I were REALLY close (honestly closer than she was with my sister, but I don't think that's a valid argument), and I really, really want to honor her more than any other female family member I have (and I really can't use Christine- I really, really dislike the name- please don't take offense!)

Thoughts?

 

[artekah]

I say use the name. You are the one with an actual real child on the way. Saving a name for someone else's hypothetical future child is just silly. There is no guarantee she will ever have a daughter! Plus you are right--especially if it's just a middle name and she'll be going by her first name, it really doesn't matter. Your sister will get over it.

 

[Adaline'sMama]

I dont like Christine either, and it is a family name of ours, so I totally understand.

Your sister picked the name and even though she doesnt have kids, it is the name she has in mind for her kid one day. For her, if you name your kid that first, it is YOUR name. You wouldnt be sharing a name with her after that, she would have to share the name with you. Mind you, this is how it was explained to me by a friend who claimed a name that I liked. Personally, I dont think it would matter at all. However, I had a friend who named her kid something that I had had in my head since I was a kid (Belle), and after she named her kid that, I just didnt want to use the name anymore. By the time I had a kid, her kid was old enough to have a personality and I didnt want our kids to share the same name because I everytime I thought of the name, I thought of her kid. Just remember, as the one who is having kids first, you are getting first pick of all the family names. I've been accused of the "Holly is the oldest, so by the time we all have kids all the good family names will be taken".

Was you sister closer to grandma?
Is your sister married, or planning on having kids anytime soon?
Have you explained the middle name tradition and the fact that our kid would be called Iris?

I'd probably ask my mother to talk to her.

 

[Brisen]

That's tough. IMO, you can't claim a name -- it's not like your sister's (potential future) dd will be the only Lila out there; she's taking it from someone else already, since she's naming her dd after someone. And using it as a middle name? Even people in my own family forget my kids' middle names at times. Not a big deal.

But, of course, you don't want to hurt her feelings. Even if she's being unreasonable. Part of me would just go ahead and use the name; I might have not even asked in the first place, and gone the asking forgiveness instead of permission route. You're right, you have just as much claim to the name as she does.

I have a family name I would love to use for a girl, and it's not a popular name. But I haven't told anyone, just in case someone else in my family decides the like it and has a girl before I do.

So I do kind of feel like I'm trying to claim the name, but by not giving anyone else the idea to use it. But if someone else uses it before I do, I'll have to figure out if I still want to use it, or go with a different name. I'm not going to tell someone else not to use it. Especially since I might never have a girl; I would hate for the name to not be used at all, just so it could be "saved" for me to maybe use it.

 

[crunchy_mommy]

If you hadn't asked her, I'd say go ahead & use it. I had names I wanted (not 'claimed' but might as well have!!) but once I conceived and having a baby was a reality, I had a totally different idea of what names I wanted. So even if she does have kids eventually, she may change her mind on the name.

BUT, you asked her, and she said straight out that she'd be mad, so you have to weigh which is worth more to you -- the name or the relationship with your sis?

 

[philomom]

Names are so personal and everyone can have different and strong feelings about it.

My sister re-used my stillborn son's name... which was a family name. I asked her not to.. she did anyway.. we no longer speak. Ever. I dread my parents dying because I'll have to interact with that B*tch.

In your case, you are pregnant first and your sister is not even planning a pregnancy, right? Then I'm not sure how she can "lay claim" to a name.

 

[Adaline'sMama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by philomom

Names are so personal and everyone can have different and strong feelings about it.

My sister re-used my stillborn son's name... which was a family name. I asked her not to.. she did anyway.. we no longer speak. Ever. I dread my parents dying because I'll have to interact with that B*tch.

In your case, you are pregnant first and your sister is not even planning a pregnancy, right? Then I'm not sure how she can "lay claim" to a name.

Wow. I dont even know what to say to that. What an awful decision on her part.

 

[bethany42309]

Quote:

Originally Posted by radicaleel

I say use the name. You are the one with an actual real child on the way. Saving a name for someone else's hypothetical future child is just silly. There is no guarantee she will ever have a daughter! Plus you are right--especially if it's just a middle name and she'll be going by her first name, it really doesn't matter. Your sister will get over it.

Could not agree with her more!

This sounds like me and my sister. But she's had only boys and I've had only girls. If she ends up never having a daughter you would probably soooo regret not giving your daughter the name that you love! I've got cousins who share middle names and it's totally not a big deal. Just means you have a very loved grandma! I say go for it!

 

[SierraBella]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama

Was you sister closer to grandma?
Is your sister married, or planning on having kids anytime soon?
Have you explained the middle name tradition and the fact that our kid would be called Iris?

I'd probably ask my mother to talk to her.

I was the closet to this grandmother. They were close, yes, but not nearly as close as she and I were.

My sister is not married. She wants children, but is with someone who has kids and doesn't want any more. And it probably kind of matters that she is on-and-off-again lesbian, so most of her relationships don't have the anatomy to conceive a child.

She does know that we've started the tradition of giving the middle name to honor a family member.. DS1's middle name is the middle name of his paternal grandfather. DS2's middle name is the middle name of my father (his maternal grandfather). My children go by their first names. So she would be called Iris, and not Lila.

Asking my mother to talk to her wouldn't work- they have a very shakey relationship.

 

[crunchy_mommy]

What if you used a variation of Lila -- like Lily, Layla, Lillian, Laya, Leah, etc. (wow I just realized how many variations there could be!!) Then you could still honor your grandmother AND preserve the relationship with your sister.

 

[Peony]

I'll agree with all the others, that you can't claim a name. It would be one thing if she was pg but she isn't. And you aren't wanting to use it for the first name. I'd probably tell her that you respect she wants to use it as a first name, you don't want your child called Lila but also would like to honor your grandmother by using it in the middle name spot. And phase it in a way that says you are not asking for her permission to do so but letting her know ahead of time.

 

[Adaline'sMama]

Use the name. You were closer to grandma than she was. Thats the dealbreaker for me.

I might switch the spelling to Lyla, but I dont think its going to keep your sister from being mad. But, I have now added Lyla to my List of Arguable Girl Names. (This is the list of names that I like, but know that I would have to argue to get DH to like them too.)

 

[Smokering]

Ahh, tricky. My sister has claimed a name - a family name of her DH's, which isn't a family name on our side. I quite like the name, and mentioned to Mum that it was a shame my sister had called dibs on it - and to my surprise Mum snorted and said "Go ahead and use it". But I didn't. There were plenty of other names I liked, and I knew it would annoy my sister, so... meh. It did annoy me a little that she'd "dibsed" a name when she's not even pregnant, though.

But in your situation, given that the name belongs to your side of the family as much as your sister's, and you're wanting to use it for a sentimental reason, and so on... it seems like your sister has a pretty weak case. You know you didn't "steal" the idea of the name from her, so it seems like you have a perfect right to use it. But, well, sibling relationships are tricky! So I understand your hesitation.

As far as middle names go - two of my sisters have the same name. Sister #2 is Something Ruth, and sister #5 is Ruth Something... basically, Mum wasn't expecting to have so many girls, so she "wasted" a perfectly good middle name, Ruth, on her second child... and by the time she got to baby number five and had gotten herself stuck in a tradition of using Bible names, she sort of ran out of options, and reused Ruth. And it totally doesn't matter - Sister #2 was tickled pink at the time, and she never goes by her middle name anyway. I imagine it would be even less of an issue with cousins.

 

[Adaline'sMama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Smokering

As far as middle names go - two of my sisters have the same name. Sister #2 is Something Ruth, and sister #5 is Ruth Something... basically, Mum wasn't expecting to have so many girls, so she "wasted" a perfectly good middle name, Ruth, on her second child... and by the time she got to baby number five and had gotten herself stuck in a tradition of using Bible names, she sort of ran out of options, and reused Ruth. And it totally doesn't matter - Sister #2 was tickled pink at the time, and she never goes by her middle name anyway. I imagine it would be even less of an issue with cousins.

As sisters with shared middle names, I hate it.
My great aunt was Emma Marie and my mother was named after her, Tammy Marie.
She had me, Holly Marie and my two sisters, Heather Marie and Lisa Marie.
However, it was also the most common middle name when I was growing up, so aside from sharing it with family, I had to share it with half of all the girls I knew. But two of my cousins share Elizabeth as their first names (they both go by their middle names) and they are content with it.

And she was SHOCKED when I didnt use the middle name for DD.

 

[Mulvah]

I would have a hard time using the name without telling my sister. I would tell her that I thought about it and that I'm using Lila as a middle name and she is free to use it as a first name. I do not think you should change your desired, family middle name. She may not have children, may not have girls, etc.

 

[SierraBella]

Well, DF and I have come up with another middle name that we like.. Margaret. It doesn't honor any one in our family, but it does honor 2 of our favorite women in history: Margaret Mead (we are both anthropology majors) and Margaret Bourke White (the photographer). I feel like Iris Margaret flows better than Iris Lila, but I still LOVE Lila, so much. So, right now it's between these two names, and we're going to give it some time to contemplate and maybe some time for my sister to really think things over. She and I are really close, I don't want her to resent me for the rest of my life. However, I feel like I'd resent her if she never ended up using the name in the long run and "forbid" me from using it. This isn't our last child, so maybe in a few years from now, if we don't use Lila this time, we might then (if we have a girl).

 

[Smokering]

Quote:

As sisters with shared middle names, I hate it.
My great aunt was Emma Marie and my mother was named after her, Tammy Marie.
She had me, Holly Marie and my two sisters, Heather Marie and Lisa Marie.
However, it was also the most common middle name when I was growing up, so aside from sharing it with family, I had to share it with half of all the girls I knew. But two of my cousins share Elizabeth as their first names (they both go by their middle names) and they are content with it.

And she was SHOCKED when I didnt use the middle name for DD.

Heh. Marie's my middle name too - not shared with a sister, but with my mother, grandmother and grandmother's aunt. I always thought it was cool that I "got" the family name, especially because I'm daughter number three, not number one... and yes, I did pass the middle name down to DD. The only issue I've had with it is a snarky comment from SIL that it's funny we used the name, because we're not Catholic (SIL is). Because apparently Catholicism owns the name Marie... But the sharing aspect never bothered me at all. I have grown to dislike sharing my incredibly common first name with half a billion people, though...

 

[Thing1Thing2]

I would say that unless she comes up with a baby and fast, the name is yours. What happens if she never has a baby? What happens if she has all boys?

It's not right to "hold" a name hostage when you don't have one in the oven...

 

[Snugglebugmom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BonnieNova

I would say that unless she comes up with a baby and fast, the name is yours. What happens if she never has a baby? What happens if she has all boys?

It's not right to "hold" a name hostage when you don't have one in the oven...

I totally agree!

 

[L'lee]

I also agree that you can't claim a name. I even think that if cousins had the same first name its not the end of the world.

OTOH, you actually asked for her permission, and she said no, so it would be nice and sisterly of you to respect that. (Maybe you shouldn't have asked, especially since you feel you were closer to your grandma!)

I think the alternative of using Margaret is very generous of you, but if I were you, I'd tell her that you plan to use Lila if you have another girl and not give her a choice in the matter.