Mothering Forum banner
1 - 14 of 14 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,457 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We co-sleep with our 17-month old DD. She is a BIG mama's girl. She follows me everywhere, cries if I leave the room without her, etc. If I'm around, she's not a whiney kid, though. I have nursed her down for her naps and for every bed time for her whole life.

For the last two weeks or so, she's been really difficult about her nap (she only takes one). She has been somewhat hesitant to go to sleep at all, and then she has refused to let me sneak away. Every time I extricate myself, she wakes up just enough to chase me and re-latch. This means that she gets a crappy nap because I keep trying to get away, and I have to lie there for the whole nap. Given that she's such a mama's girl, this means that I have no time to myself during the day. We live on three floors, so this makes it really hard if I have some sort of chore to do that isn't on the ground floor, where we spend most of our time.

I decided yesterday that daddy (who works from home) is now nap man. At least I decided that he would get to do it today. I nursed her downstairs and then he took her upstairs and changed her and went into the bedroom with her. We had the monitor on so I could listen. She cried when he took her from the room where I was (this is typical), but settled down by the time they were changing her diaper. Then he took her into the bedroom and she started crying. I don't know exactly what he did since he's still up there with her. I told him to say "ni-night" a lot, since that's what we say and I figured that him napping with her would probably confuse her. I wanted her to get the idea of what was going on. So he didn't say it at all and she was crying rather hard so I spoke over the monitor and said "say ni-night." I was afraid that hearing me might upset her, but I figured that she was already upset and certainly hadn't forgotten about me. Well, right after I spoke, she started screaming. I ran upstairs thinking that she had hurt herself. She hadn't hurt herself, so I held her for a minute and gave her back to her father and told her that he was having ni-night with her, etc. She cried a lot when I left, and persisted with her crying for 5-10 minutes. It felt like an hour to me, so I'm not sure how long it really was. It progressively got less, and then about 10 minutes ago she fell asleep.

Now I can hear that my husband is clearly trying to escape and is having as little luck as I usually do, the difference being that he has no boob to reinsert when he rouses her with his attempts to leave. So she keep letting out a few little sobs and then going back to sleep.

I'm down here feeling horrid. On one hand, I think that it's good for her to be able to be with her father and feel safe and secure. On the other hand, I feel like I'm forcing that on her and basically making her CIO, albeit in his presense. I am pretty sure that she's lying on top of him, so it's not quite CIO, but it is in the sense that she wants ME and I'm not going.

Note that I'm going to have to start a class three mornings per week soon (related to immigration, so it's mandatory), so I'm particularly interested in getting them more comfortable together soon.

Please tell me if you think that I should forget this nap thing and go back to lying with her myself, or if I should persist in making this daddy-daughter time.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
42,757 Posts
As long as someone is present and offering comfort, holding the baby it is not CIO, IMO.

To me, CIO is about the absence of a parent and the baby is left to cry alone.

My Dh would read Popular Science to my dd in "soothing voice" as it calmed her down. Now that she is older he reads to her all the time but when she was a baby he figured he could get away with reading anything as long as he used a soothing voice.


Sleeping duties can be tough, I can see how it might wear you out but your dh might be a little bewildered since this was just recently assigned to him. It does help for fathers to bond to have these type of things to do.

You could probably encourage or help him by seeing if he would like to read some things to her or singing silly songs.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,040 Posts
I don't think it is CIO either. And I think it is wonderful for your dh to have this time with your dd. My dh does almost all of the naps/nighttime. So I nurse (sometimes she falls asleep, sometimes not), then he takes her and sings to her in the bedroom until she goes to sleep. I think this is great bc it allows her to focus on sleeping rather than nursing because there's no option for nursing there. In fact, dh is singing to dd in the bedroom right now!
I'm sure it'll take a little time for her to adjust, but as long as dh is there, it is not CIO. Hang in there, I bet it will get better! And good for you to take some time for yourself as well!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
160 Posts
Gosh, I was just wondering about the same sort of thing. Our situation is that I have always nursed our son to sleep and if he didn't want to sleep I would let him get up and play and try again later. It is getting really difficult though, because the last couple of days he just doesn't seem to want to sleep ( he is really starting to test his limits.) Today and yesterday I nursed him and then he wanted to get up and play so I put him in his crib with two nap/bedtime books and three stuffed animals he likes to cuddle with. I stayed in the room and pretended I was sleeping. At first he thought it was interesting, but then started to fuss and then to cry for me and make the sign for nursing, so I took him out and tried to nurse him. But he got really upset and said "down" (his word for downstairs) and struggled to get out of bed. I said "no, we have to sleep now" and put him back in the crib. This went on for 45 minutes this afternoon, until he finally did fall asleep nursing. I feel bad, but we can't go on like this either. Last night he woke up in the middle of the night and I let him go downstairs to play. He screemed until his dad came too, and then screemed when his dad or I weren't in the room and playing with him. My poor husband; he left late for work this morning with no breakfast and without his lunch. I feel bad for Joseph, but things have to change, and I also feel that if I am in the room either talking to him (he fights physically to get out of the bed if he is in mine) or trying to nurse him it is not CIO.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,654 Posts
No, I don't think it's CIO.

The one suggestion I would make is to let them find their own routine together. Trying to replicate what you do with her might just make her more sad about you not being there. Reading books, listening to quiet music, singing their special song with a gentle dance around the room... anything but what you do with her. He's not daddy-standing-in-for-mama... he's Daddy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,190 Posts
No, it's not CIO.

We were having some bedtime problems, too, and Dada came to the rescue. I always nursed Ani to sleep, but it was taking longer and longer and then she'd wake up every 20 minutes for several hours. It was horrible. I'd spend literally two hours nursing her only to have her wake up right away again.

So now, DH puts her jammies on, brushes her teeth and reads her a story while I get the room ready -- turn off lights, pick up toys, make beds, etc. Then I rock her and nurse her in the dark for 15 minutes. Every 5 minutes or so, I say "in a few minutes, dada's gonna come rock you and mama's gonna go bye-bye." The first time she said "no" and complained a bit when I handed her off, but that was it. Now, we do this every night and she falls asleep for DH in 10-15 mintues. And stays asleep. For HOURS. It has changed my LIFE!

I realize your dd is a little younger, DD is 20 months, but I would still give it a try. And try to remember that she's not crying all alone, but in the loving arms of her daddy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,997 Posts
I agree, it's not CIO, IMO.
One - she's old enough to know that you and daddy love her and are there for her. She may not like this routine at first, but I believe she knows that you guys haven't "abandoned" her. (I think that's what infants feel when parents do CIO)
and Two - your dh is there with her, so it's not CIO.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,082 Posts
My dd will go to sleep for both myself and dh. One suggestion I have is to maybe leave the house and say goodbye to your dd before your dh lays down with her for her nap. I know that if I'm home and I nurse dd and pass her off to dh she will cry for a minute as they go into the bedroom and for another minute or two in the bedroom before she snuggles up and falls asleep. If I am out (even just for a quick walk), dh says she just walks down the hall, crawls into bed, snuggles up and goes to sleep with not even a whimper.

I agree with the others, it is not CIO. For us we started daddy putting her to sleep because she would want to take 1-2 hours to nurse to sleep and I was going crazy. I was also missing out on the bedtime routine with my ds.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,005 Posts
I don't agree with the "arms of a loving adult" thing as an absolute rule. But here, your dd is old enough to KNOW that she's in the arms of a loving adult. She wants mama, but she knows daddy is her caretaker too.

I'm only pointing this out because recently, I've seen people use this "arms of a loving adult" rule to apply to a 6-week-old and a 6-month-old, and to me that is CIO.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,457 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thanks for all the replies. Yesterday's nap was just shy of two hours -- way better than her usual (lately) 35 minutes.

We weren't able to have a repeat performance today because DH took her to the zoo and she fell asleep in the bicycle on the way home. This morning was the first day of my class. I had to be gone from 9-12. She cried for a minute as I left, but was distracted by a delivery man who showed up just as I left. DH says she was fantastic after that. Really pleasant and easy, which isn't typical of her when she's around him. She's often like that with me, though. Apparently she was fantastic at the zoo; pleasant and interested and affectionate. Whether that has anything to do with an increased sense of closeness with DH based on her nap yesterday, I don't know. Seems like a bit too much of an effect too quickly to me, but who knows.

We'll try the nap again tomorrow.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,123 Posts
I don't think that's cio either. We nightweaned our dd at 16 months and had my husband put her back to sleep when she woke up. I didn't like to hear her cry at all, even with him, but I really knew in my heart that she was ok. It was amazing how much better she started to sleep and she only cried for 5-15 minutes with him at first and then not at all. In our experience fixing my burnout issues wasn't completely tear free, but I don't think dd felt unloved or abandoned.
 
1 - 14 of 14 Posts
Top