[User101]

X posted in mindful home management

My six-year-old has been making some odd comments about our lifestyle lately. The other day he wanted "a tissue" so I reminded him where the hankies are. He said "I wish we could afford paper tissues."

He made a comment about paper towels, too. We've talked about caring for the earth, reduce/reuse/recycling, etc, but he's really fixated.

He has broken two dressers. Today I bough a sterlite plastic set of drawers. He was all upset that "people" were going to "make fun of him" for not having a proper dresser. I asked what people, and he said "friends." I asked why they would make fun of him, and he said he thought they would think we didn't have enough money to buy a "real" dresser. I tried explaining that this was a real dresser, but that in a way he was right. He had broken two dressers, and we can't afford to keep replacing them, so this would have to do for now. He finally asked if he could keep it in his closet, which we were going to do anyway. Then he said he would make sure to shut his closet door when he had friends over.

He is making me so sad!

Another issue we're having is chemicals. He has a hissy fit about them. Before he gets a drink, he'll say, all panic-y, "There are CHEMICALS in the sink, are there?" He's freaking out. Where did I go wrong!?! I mean, we've talked about chemicals and explained why we do organic food and everything, but we don't dwell on it. He was practically in tears when we had to have the termite people come, because he thought we were all going to die.

Where am I going wrong?
How can I help him understand the why of natural family living, and not feel deprived? We're not rich, but we have what we need and some extras. He takes cello lessons, he's in cub scouts, he goes to camp, he's taken swimming lessons. He's just not living the joyfully simplistic life I've imagined my child would be living!

 

[AngelBee]

I have no advice....just wanted to give you a hug.

 

[Pynki]

I say give him the TV.. But I'm evil and mainstream that way.. :LOL

Really.. I have no idea.. Talk him through it..

 

[MilkbarMom]

I always tell our 2 girls that Daddy works very hard to earn our money, so that I can stay at home to care for them..and that we have to be very careful of how we spend that money, so that we can do fun things like take trips and such. I tell them that everything is a choice, either throw away paper products or saving to go on a great family trip...and ask them what they would prefer. We also take a weekly trip to the landfill, and they see exactly why we do not want to throw away more than we have to. As far as the dresser, you can explain it the same way, saying that 2 of them have already been broken and that until he can care for what he has, it can not be replaced. Maybe you could have him help you find a used one, and he could help you re-do it for him. If he helps to create it, he might take better care of it. Hope that helps a little.

 

[User101]

Thanks all! I have said things like that before- I don't feel like I've pushed the whole "we're poor" thing, although I have stressed that we need to not waste $$ since we work hard for it. For example, when he screws around during cello, I remind him that lessons cost $$$ and it is wasteful for him to mess around during lessons. I don't know. Maybe this is my problem more than his. I just don't want him to feel deprived.

 

[PoppyMama]

My dd says stuff like that sometimes, usually in the grocery store LOUDLY. I have given up being all upset about it. Kids have to have something they can gripe about and something to tell the therapist later on :LOL .

 

[GoodWillHunter]

:LOL, A. You're funny. My DS1 who is 10 is oddly proud of our lifestyle.

Maybe your DS is going through a phase and is just trying to set you off, Annette?

 

[DaryLLL]

Annette, is he in public school and getting lots of peer (consumerism) influence?

 

[User101]

Nope homeschooled. And we're fairly protective about his playmates and stuff. Also, no TV. I don't even really take them to the store with me all that often (trying to avoid the consumerism!) and when I do, it's usually Wegman's and they go to the kids' club.

 

[MsMoMpls]

Just remember that some kids are going to feel "less" no matter what we do. They need help being more optimistic, they need encouragement to see the sunny side of life. It might have happened if he had a TV, it might have happened if you lived in a dirt floored hut. Some kids are just a bit darker. I suggest you help him look for the great things in his life, the things he is proud of, the things he cherishes. One thing I work on with my kids, and always have- even with the oldest, is count our blessings at night. Not a really serious thing, just "What a great day we had, that was so much fun when..." And then let him be. He has a right to feel... it isn't really about you or the choices you have made, it is about him facing that all families make choices (that kids can resent.)

 

[mamaroni]

annette, my first thought upon reading your OP was similar to GWH's. . .maybe it's just a phase kind of thing? another thought. . . perhaps he'd be having issues or whatever no matter your lifestyle. . .just an age thing? At any rate, I think you are doing just fine and he'll adjust and be just fine.

A funny story, my mom says that my little brother (now 25) went through a phase as a young kid thinking they were poor because they couldn't afford pop! My mom would explain to him that juice is actually more expensive than pop but it just didn't matter because "everyone" else always had pop.

 

[mamaroni]

oh, I cross-posted with maureen. yes, that's basically what I was thinking.

 

[maya44]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsMoMpls Just remember that some kids are going to feel "less" no matter what we do. They need help being more optimistic, they need encouragement to see the sunny side of life. It might have happened if he had a TV, it might have happened if you lived in a dirt floored hut. Some kids are just a bit darker. I suggest you help him look for the great things in his life, the things he is proud of, the things he cherishes. One thing I work on with my kids, and always have- even with the oldest, is count our blessings at night. Not a really serious thing, just "What a great day we had, that was so much fun when..." And then let him be. He has a right to feel... it isn't really about you or the choices you have made, it is about him facing that all families make choices (that kids can resent.)

Exactly! And some while some people (like MANY here) are born with an independnant spirit, others are born with an absolute need to fit it.

They notice what others have and HATE it when they are different. For the a NFL lifestyle is embarrasing and not "joyfully simplistic"

It seems like maybe you got one of those kids!

 

[UUMom]

He's probably trying to figure certain things out right now, and not unhappy about living more naturally. Just keep remind him why you use cloth and not paper. He's just trying to sort it out, I think. My 16 yr old loves to tease about my 'hippie tendancies', but he is proud of us. Sometimes he'll tease me in front of friends, "You would like a *soda*? I'm sorry, we only have water, and *sparkling* water here. My mother boycotts *high fructose corn syrup*. Doesn't *everyone*? " Then he'll laugh. He doesn't complain and hands over a nice cold glass of water to a friend. He might add "She's like that hippie mother on Dharma and Greg', which yk, settles everything. :LOL He cracks me up. He himself is a crazy liberal and I enjoy him more than I can say.

This same child asked at about 5, "When we are not poor, can we go to McDonald's?" I had no idea he was thinking that. So i told him we weren't poor and that we don't go to McDonald's because they don't serve actual food, but processed food with color and preservatives that do nothing to help a body grow healthy. He was surprised we weren't poor.

 

[Breathless Wonder]

I've gone through similar things with my oldest.

It has taken a lot of talking about our reasons for doing things the way we do them, and talking about other people, how they live, and reasons why they do things their way, to get through to him.

We stress MINIMIZING our exposure to chemicals and other "bad" things, MINIMIZING our impact on the Earth. We talk about weighing the pros and cons of a decision, what the benefits of a decision are, and what the costs are, and how frequently, the lists on both sides seem very long. We talk about working with the information you have, and how that influences a decision, and how, sometimes, we make the best decisions we can, with the information we have, and later we get more information that shows us we have made the wrong decision. We also talk about ignoring information, and why people do it. We talk about facts and feelings and outside influences, and how those variables influence the choices we make in our life. We talk about where things come from, the effects on the earth of making those things, caring for those things, and eventually, disposing of those things- and how those things effect us, the animals, the water, the land, now, and in the future.

And for some kids, knowing their statistical chance of becoming ill from bug sprays, for example, can help. Also, kids like to feel control. They need to know, for instance, the things that they can do, that they can control, that will help them deal with things they fear (in the case of bug sprays- not walking on the spray when it is wet, not being in the house when it is done, opening windows, and airing things out, washing toys, clothing and surfaces that potentially came in contact with the spray, and proper hand washing (before meals, before putting hands in your mouth).

It is a long, and ongoing process.

HTH.

 

[User101]

I like the minimizing tip, thank you!

The more I think about it and observe him, the more I think he is yanking my chain. I really think he's annoyed I'm not getting him another dresser he can break. He likes to stand on them and tie things to them.

I do think he is starting to notice differences- he doesn't have tons of toys, he loves to play ballet and dress up, he doesn't get to watch TV and movies, stuff like that. I don't think he has necessarily been teased for it, but he definitely notices.

 

[zipperump-a-zoomum]

I think it is a phase many kids go through, both in nfl families and in more non-nfl families. When I was five my best friend convinced me her family was so poor that they couldn't afford food. I remember her actually crying. I was so distraught that I convinced my mom to pack up a grocery bag full of food and help me take it over to their house. Her mom was really confused, because they had plenty of food, and no money issues. I think she got in a bit of trouble over it, but I think some of it was just role playing.

If your son isn't getting any external input that's making him feel that way maybe it's a bit of the same thing?

Kaly

 

[bri276]

no kids yet, so I wouldn't presume to give you advice from that angle, but my mom was always pretty crunchy, and it bothered me growing up. just being "different" bothered me, even though I wasn't teased because of it or anything. Going to school and seeing my friends eat pb&fluff on white bread in a sandwich bag while I had turkey on whole wheat in wax paper, for example (lol). never having soda in the house. not being allowed to watch certain tv shows that were very popular at the time (you can't do that on television, 90210). It's not that it wasn't explained to me well. I just didn't agree with the reasoning (and to some extent I still don't but that's a different story)
I guess the bottom line is she had the right to decide what was going on in her house. Now that I'm an adult I can take what I learned and modify it to what I like. I did feel deprived at times. However, now I can see how ridiculous that was. Any child who has a loving family and safe home is not deprived of anything important. What I think I'm trying to say is your child doesn't have to like or agree with all of the choices you make- that's why kids have parents, to make decisions about what they believe is best for him. Although maybe he does need a better explanation of the whole chemical thing just to avoid any paranoia? lol

 

[Breathless Wonder]

Quote:

I really think he's annoyed I'm not getting him another dresser he can break. He likes to stand on them and tie things to them

Again, I've had similar issues with one of my children. I don't think he wants another dresser because he intentionally wants to break it. I think with things, children, in general, truly want to take care of them, so that they have them, but the long term ability to do so is still developing, not developed. At 6, he probably still needs some reminders. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk has a whole section on this problem.

Also, brainstorming with him to find an acceptable outlet for the climbing, and tying (I assume tent building type activities?) will go a long way towards reducing it in the house.

Right now, you are angry and upset. You sound like you are feeling used and abused. Take a day or two, calm down, and try to remember what it was like for you as a kid. It really helps to gain some perspective on why you are feeling the way you are feeling, and where your son might be coming from. Besides the money issue on the dresser, is there anything else bothering you about that? And why is the "we must be poor" thing hitting you so hard? Are there other things contributing to your reaction to that (outside negativity, self doubt, etc.) Also, think about how you are reacting- is it knee jerk? Are you channeling one of your parents? Do you want to, if you are?

Good luck. It's way easier to be on the outside of this, looking in, than it is to be embroiled in it.

 

[2GR8KIDS]

My son is close in age to yours and I think at this age they are just hyper-aware of what everyone has and is doing. It's like the start of peer awareness and peer influence. So partly it may be his age. I think kids this age are somewhat in flux and are concerned about fitting in until they find their own place and identity.