[devmom]

I took the plunge sort of. I ordered a few books to see what they'll do for us. I got <span style="text-decoration:underline;">Raising Your Spirited Child</span>, and <span style="text-decoration:underline;">Easy to Love; Difficult to Discipline</span> - both recommended by the GD board at MDC.<br><br>
It should be interesting, maybe we can avoid the stuff that happened last night and this morning. Now if I can only find <span style="text-decoration:underline;">Getting Your Dh's Arse in Gear</span> for sale on Amazon at a good used price I'd be in business! Did I mention he got his head stuck up his rear end last night? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: That combined with my feeling of horrible Mommy-ness at leaving my screaming children at the daycare has put a bit of a cloud on my day. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"> I'm about -> <- this close to calling and turning off all our 'extras' and putting my car up for sale. Then maybe I can finally waltz outta here (meaning my FT job). Josh already complains how miserable his life is, why not cut his cable too? Then he wouldn't have any choice but to deal with his family. And maybe actually like it.<br><br>
It's not that he doesn't at all, just that he does but to different extremes. Like last night he wouldn’t even sit and play ball with Justy for like 2 mins cos “he was going to bed”. Just thinking about it ticks me off majorly. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"> When he holds her for me so I can take care of something else, half the time he just holds her, and lets her scream for me, like “I can’t do anything so why even try” and then the other half the time he’ll cuddle with her and distract her and she’ll be fine until she sees me again. He does the same thing with Connor, half the time he just lets him go off, like oh well. Then other times he’ll actually get his attention and calm him, and the rest of the time he just bellows at him.<br><br>
I don't understand how he thinks this flip-flop-i-ness is being a good parent or role model to his kids? I mean - I'M NOT PERFECT and have never claimed to be, but I TRY to approach them the same every time, with gentleness and caring, and only when things start getting wacko do they see me....I don't know, I guess lose it. But not like crazy, just that you can see the build up of no-cooperation leading to stressed out Mommy who may or may not yell when it reaches that point - I'm still trying to control that better. Not out of nowhere from the next room "CONNOR YOU BETTER STOP THAT RIGHT NOW" like he does. He thinks that a two-yr old is capable of being totally voice-directed, and I don't think our VERY "spirited" and highly sensitive son can measure up to that yet. I think that he still needs you to go and GET him, or look him in the eye, or physically move him where you want him to go.<br><br>
For example, he pushes this big metal Tonka truck all over the house, and runs it into whatever is in his path. So we tell him Don't run it into things, Don't hit stuff with your truck. Josh uses his bellowing tone a few times, and Connor proceeds to push his truck over to the table and then lightly hit it - I guess he figures no noise, no problem? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/headscratch.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="headscratch"> So Josh is launching into another bellowing session - gee, didn't work the past three times, so yell louder? And I get down on the floor with Connor and push his truck around the same way he does - except when I was about to hit something I'd say STOP! Don't hit the table! STOP! Don't hit sister! STOP! Don't hit the toys! And made it fun, or at least tried to.<br><br>
Josh's attitude? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banghead.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banghead"> "Now he's going to make a game of 'almost' running into stuff." Like the game wasn't <i>actually</i> running into stuff before? :ignore So he did start playing that way, but he didn't slam his truck into stuff like before. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> Then last night it starts all over again and Josh is expecting our 2yr old son to remember his ineffective bellows from the night before. I'm sorry, what is the single biggest thing any toddler lacks? Oh yes, <b>IMPULSE CONTROL</b>! So why would you expect him to all of a sudden remember this one little thing? Yes, eventually he can be expected to KNOW that we don't slam our truck into things, but since this is pretty new am I wrong to think we'll be reminding him that we shouldn't do that for a while still?<br><br>
It's just making me crazy, and Josh won't read anything I bring home to help explain what I think and what I want to do - he just treats it like some big stupid idea that I got in my head. So I guess all I can do now I lead by example - but he's still their father! Am I supposed to interfere when HE'S trying to discipline them in his way - which is now a lot different than my way. I've told him that I don't want to spank anymore or even threaten it. He just gave me the eye-roll. Then just the other day he threatened Connor with a spanking by a belt!! A BELT?! Even when I condoned spanking I NEVER threatened with any kind of object, especially a belt! I remember spankings with "The Belt" and it's not a fond place in my memories. I don't want to undermine him with our children, but I walked in the room and say Hey! when I heard that and shot him a WTF look. He dropped it, so hopefully that was a decent way to get the message across without verbally ruining his authority?! I don't know, but it just shows me how much he is totally ignoring my approach and ideas - not only is he continuing on the same path as before, he's trying to up the ante!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/splat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="splat"><br><br>
I guess I just wanted to vent, I don't really know what else to do except persevere! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent">

 

[mama23k]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> s, first of all. I know exactly what you're going through. Maybe you need to make an effort to get your husband's undivided attention (without grouching at him first lol) and tell him how important it is to you that he at least TRY to hear you out about this. I know my hubby can't STAND it when I interfere while he is getting on to the kids. However, we agreed on a certain signal that we can use when the other parent is going a bit overboard and beginning to lose their patience. It sure beats challenging their authority in front of the kids, KWIM? If the kids see that very much, they get VERY confused. I would just ask him if he thinks a child is going to learn not to yell by yelling at them not to do it, or not to hit by hitting them, etc. As in our case, you may have to help unteach all that was "taught" to him (and you! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> ). It truly will be a learning process for both of you. If all else fails, you set the good example and maybe, after a time, he will pick up on the fact that being patient and using "get off your butt" parenting actually DOES work better than sitting on your rear and yelling at them. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">

 

[MsMoMpls]

I could be a millionaire and be on Oprah and on the New York Times best seller list if I could right "Getting Your DH's Arse into Gear". Do I have permission to use that... I will dedicate the book to you and send you a copy. Maybe if you threw the parenting books at him they might make a dent. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><br><br>
Ok- I have no idea how to get men to read parenting books. I have no idea why men think that they were born knowing how to parent. I have no idea why "when I was a kid..." is a plan. I think this is just a vent. I don't think I have any ideas really. For some reason, I do get men to listen when I see couples come in together- maybe they need to hear it in person, from someone with a fancy degree on their wall. (Although that does nothing for my dh.)<br><br>
My best tactic so far is trying to be the best mommy possible and lots of eye rolling when his way doesn't work. How is that for advice? If I write a book that recommends eye rolling I don't think they will publish it. Good luck- we are all there with you.

 

[devmom]

MsMoMpls - you definitely have my permission, so long as I get a free copy of this wonder-book!! Throw the books at him to make a dent, eh?! Not a bad idea....<br><br>
Okay, I shouldn't joke like that. And I know that my own actions in the past aren't exactly the pinnacle of AP and GD parenting. But what I can't get him to see is that I don't just want to be a pushover, I want to treat the people I love BETTER, including him! But I can't maintain that unless he's on board and supporting me in it. It's just going to turn into major conflict.<br><br>
The other part that makes it hard - we never have time to ourselves. Ever. He goes to bed before both kids are down too, so not even like 5 mins at night. And if we do manage to catch a moment where the kids are happily playing then he refuses to discuss things of import with me. He's so difficult.<br><br>
He's a lot like Connor, and I see it - so instead of being so harsh with our son (like HE was treated by his father, which in turn has made him cynical and a somewhat unhappy type of person) why won't he try something new?!<br><br>
Just have to keep trying! Thanks for the support!

 

[delighted.mama]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> Men! Can't live with 'em and can't (fill in the blank of your choice)!<br><br>
Seriously, it sounds like you are doing an admirable job to try to find constructive ways to communicate with your children. DH sounds like he's already got it all figured out and is undermining what you are doing. Maybe a lot of it comes from his childhood? We all tend to fall back on things that we saw our parents/guardians do as we were growing up. The problem with that is that, maybe, just maybe, they DIDN'T do it right! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: Why follow in footsteps that don't fit your family?<br><br>
Anyway, my dh isn't much into reading/surfing the net as much as I am, but he is more receptive if I relay the information from him as I read it. For example, I have read chapters from Dr. Sears and from the Spirited Child book, and then I give him a synopsis of what it said. Once, I asked him why he doesn't read the same stuff. He pointed out that he gets all the info via my reading. Oh well! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> As long as he is getting the info and implementing it, it doesn't matter who reads it.<br><br>
Also, when I relay something to him, I try not to make it sound judgmental of something he is doing. More likely than not, it is something that I have done as well, so I present it as a better alternative to the way "WE" were doing things.<br><br>
Open dialogue is also soooooo important. We have had numerous conversations of how our parents raised us and the techniques that they employed....both good and bad. We've also self-analyzed how it has affected us, both in a positive and negative way. I think when you can understand how your upbringing helped form your views, it is easier to move away from rigid stereotypical ways of doing things "just because your parents did it that way" KWIM? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br><br>
I also found that if I printed something easy to read, like off of this board or on other parenting cites, he was more apt to read it. A book is sometimes intimidating, especially if you aren't a big reader or if you aren't totally into the subject. I love to read, so reading about parenting is a pleasure for me. For my DH, however, it is a chore and something that relates to "studying", a topic that does not evoke good memories for him. Everyone is different.<br><br>
**HUGS*** to you! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> Hang in there and be patient (which I'm sure isn't an easy thing to do with 2 little ones running around!) YOu are doing a terrific job.<br><br>
Libby

 

[devmom]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mama23k</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">However, we agreed on a certain signal that we can use when the other parent is going a bit overboard and beginning to lose their patience. It sure beats challenging their authority in front of the kids, KWIM? If the kids see that very much, they get VERY confused.</div>
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I meant to ask you, what is your signal? I really like this idea and think it's a much better way than "Hey!" in the middle of something! I just can't think of anything except snapping my fingers and he HATES it when I do that (I already use that as a noise to get other's attention, cats AND kids!) I think you're totally right in what you said about challenging his authority, I really don't want to do that. But I'm also NOT going to be able to sit meekly while he threatens a 2yr old with a belt.<br><br>
Why did they make parenting so hard?!

 

[captain optimism]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>devmom</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It's just making me crazy, and Josh won't read anything I bring home to help explain what I think and what I want to do - he just treats it like some big stupid idea that I got in my head.</div>
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Okay, this might not be a great idea, but it occurred to me so I'm sharing it. How about picking out a couple of really persuasive pages from each book and photocopying them for him? Give them to him as the "executive summary" of the books. You can tell him, "These ideas worked for some other moms and I thought we could try them, but I can't do it alone."<br><br>
(My dh is a really slow reader and that sometimes gets in the way of his reading things I think are important.)<br><br>
If it won't get in the way at work maybe you can also engage in some email correspondence to develop a united front. Now there's a mainstream concept if ever you saw one!

 

[rgarlough]

Just want to give you a big <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> and tell you that our dh's were separated at birth!<br><br>
My dh is EXACTLY the same way with Mason. Mason is VERY spirited as well and dh's preferred method of 'disciplining' our boy is to YELL at him. Obviously, Mason doesn't have a clue what dh is trying to get him to do or not do. Duh. I've stepped on dh's toes a number of times not to protect our son but in order to demonstrate a more effective and positive method to get ds to understand what is expected of him. I'm sure it pi**es dh off but I've explained to him over and over that certain 'techniques' like yelled and spanking are not allowed in our house and I do not want Mason to 'learn' they are acceptable.<br><br>
I think in some ways, dhs are like toddlers... They sure seem to have a lot of similarities... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll">

 

[Tanibani]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>devmom</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It's just making me crazy, and Josh won't read anything I bring home to help explain what I think and what I want to do - <b>he just treats it like some big stupid idea that I got in my head.</b> So I guess all I can do now I lead by example - but he's still their father! Am I supposed to interfere when HE'S trying to discipline them in his way - which is now a lot different than my way. I've told him that I don't want to spank anymore or even threaten it. He just gave me the eye-roll. Then just the other day he threatened Connor with a spanking by a belt!! A BELT?! Even when I condoned spanking I NEVER threatened with any kind of object, especially a belt! I remember spankings with "The Belt" and it's not a fond place in my memories. I don't want to undermine him with our children, but I walked in the room and say Hey! when I heard that and shot him a WTF look. He dropped it, so hopefully that was a decent way to get the message across without verbally ruining his authority?!</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I totally relate!!!! I have the same freakin' problem. (Except DH doesn't threaten with a belt or spank.) But DH DOES GET VERY ANGRY <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"> which makes DS feel absolutely awful (shamed). <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/splat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="splat"><br><br>
I like Capt. Optimism's answer.<br><br>
The only thing I can think of is that I NEED TO BECOME THE EXPERT. Then I can effectively (and confidently) communicate with this twit!<br><br>
THe other thing is <b>modeling</b> which sucks because again it puts the burden on you (and me) but it's also a good thing, because YOU are taking control of the reins.<br><br>
At my son's preschool it has been WONDERFUL to have the Director intervene with discipline problems at school. SHe has been my model. It has really helped me to do the right thing, because I've seen HER do it.<br><br>
1. Approach calmly.<br>
2. Kneel down, make eye contact...<br>
3. Don't raise your voice.<br>
etc...<br><br>
There is a list of simple rules at school... I'll write them down and post them. I have to post them on my fridge!!!<br><br>
I also have Becky Bailey's book right now from the library. That's the book I need to memorize back and forth.<br><br>
Another book that might help you is <a href="http://www.fabermazlish.com/problem.htm#Punishment" target="_blank">How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Faber/Mazlish</a><br><br>
Men need information. You can say, "The reason Punishment doesn't work is... it makes the child feel weak and makes THEM angry, which makes them plot revenge (you are creating an enemy instead of someone who wants to cooperate with you), which is the LAST thing you'll want... so you'll see the problem keep cropping up."<br><br>
When I explained that, I actually had DH agreeing with me!<br><br><b>The only reason they resort to spanking is because they don't know what else to do!</b> They haven't been taught (and refuse to read books/take classes <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: ) So it's up to us to show them. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br><br>
So it is possible. But boy does he have a long way to go. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shake.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shake"><br><br>
THe irony is, my DH <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> loves to read! He just won't read discipline/how to books. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:

 

[mamalisa]

Sometimes I think my dh forgets how much reading I do on raising kids that he thinks I'm just making stuff up. Does your dh read in the bathroom? If I find something I think he should read I leave it in there. Maybe you could use a highlighter and post its to direct him to the stuff you find important?<br><br><br>
I know that both dh and I don't remember our parents "redirecting" us. We were told to stop it, and we did. It is really hard to learn how to parent differently than we were parented. I totally agree with Tanibani that it sucks to have to be the role model. But it works pretty well for me. Sometimes I get resentful, but I know it's the best thing for ds.

 

[mama23k]

devmom - you asked about our "mysterious signal" lol, so here goes. It is different every time (so the kids don't catch on), but it is any of these things:<br><br>
1. cough<br>
2. throat clearing<br>
3. loud BUUUURRRRRP <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/blush.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="blush"> (no, I'm not kidding!)<br>
4. or it has even been, a time or two,(are you ready for this?) a loud FART!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">: (the last two help get their attention because they break the tension! ) <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/Sheepish.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Sheepish">:<br><br>
You have to just find something that you will both recognize, and that the kids will NOT recognize and think "Ooooh, mom thinks dad is a moron so she must wear the pants in this house!" hahahaha Above all else, try to help maintain (or build) the kids' respect in EACH PARENT rather than just one of you. HTH <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">

 

[devmom]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mama23k</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
1. cough<br>
2. throat clearing<br>
3. loud BUUUURRRRRP <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/blush.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="blush"> (no, I'm not kidding!)<br>
4. or it has even been, a time or two,(are you ready for this?) a loud FART!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">: (the last two help get their attention because they break the tension! ) <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/Sheepish.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Sheepish">:<br></div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/biglaugh.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="laugh">:<br>
That's awesome, I'm going to print some of this stuff out and talk to him about it, he'll get a laugh out of the farting idea! But it's way better than somebody piping up right there in the middle of stuff.<br><br>
Thanks so much for all your input, I've got some great ideas for new approaches now! I'm going to try a little bit of everything and see what he's most receptive to!

 

[Pookietooth]



<br>
I like how you worded that! Where did you find that, or is that just your own?

 

[annab]

I like Tanibani's book recommendation about How to Talk. DH never reads any parenting books either. However, I have started reading 'interesting' passages to him when he is around. The great thing about How to Talk is that it is available on tape. DH listens to books on tape to and from work, so I got this one from him. He never would have read it, but he listened to it and enjoyed it.

 

[Tanibani]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Pookietooth</strong></div>
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">TanibaniMen need information. You can say, "The reason Punishment doesn't work is... it makes the child feel weak and makes THEM angry, which makes them plot revenge (you are creating an enemy instead of someone who wants to cooperate with you), which is the LAST thing you'll want... so you'll see the problem keep cropping up."</td>
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I like how you worded that! Where did you find that, or is that just your own?</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/ROTFLMAO.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rotflmao"> I WISH I were that smart! Thanks for the compliment though. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
Nope, I "gathered it" from various sources... primarily by skimming the How to Talk Book and frankly, by observing my own DS when he gets angry, and I respond with anger (yanking something away, usually because I'm so <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/splat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="splat"> and don't know what else to do at that moment and NEED for him to "stop this instant" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> ) making him feel like I am Big and Powerful (which I am) making him feel Small and Weak. The books say to avoid doing that for that reason (and it has WONDERFUL examples of how the OTHER person feels when you say <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/blahblah.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="blah blah"> X, Y or Z, and <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2Fexec%2Fobidos%2Ftg%2Fdetail%2F-%2F0060007753%2Fqid%3D1100930796%2Fsr%3D8-1%2Fref%3Dpd_csp_1%2F104-0931004-7557550%3Fv%3Dglance%26s%3Dbooks%26n%3D507846" target="_blank">Becky Bailey</a> is all about remaining CALM because 1. You need to MODEL the appropriate behavior 2. You won't be discplining effectively if you are out of control with rage yourself. The parent must remain calm and avoid "going off the handle."<br><br>
Anyway, I have observed that phenomenon myself. When I have "come down hard" on DS (taking something away suddenly) which triggers his "it's not fair" feelings, I have observed him WANTING TO LASH back at me (either at the moment or later on.) The How to Talk book explains it... But other books touch on the same thing.<br><br>
Or worse - when a DH just instills fear... and nothing else (no positive instruction - and that's our job as parents BTW, to TEACH them!!! Show them HOW! Show them "Do this" instead of saying "don't do that" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/blahblah.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="blah blah"> "stop that" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: ) that does nothing good for the child. It just makes the child fearful of the parent (and why would that child feel "safe" going to that parent in the future if he/she knows that parent will just "go off" irrationally.)<br><br>
The other problem with punishment/shaming/being the "angry" parent is that the child won't "learn" how to problem solve... and instead the child will learn to * hide * undesireable behavior (so he won't get caught next time.) THAT I learned from <a href="http://www.nancysamalin.com/tips/index.html" target="_blank">Nancy Samalin</a> who said in a recent Parent Talk I attended when you tell a child "Don't Let me Catch You Hurting Your Sister..." the child learns, OK, I will hide it! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/duh.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="duh"><br><br>
sorry for the bad grammer/typos - nak<br><br>
Annab - that is wonderful about the tapes! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">

 

[wyattwranglere]

Wow!!So I'm not the only one married to a bonehead! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> It's, um, kinda good to know that so many dhs are like mine. From the (Booming, self-important voice here) "It was good enough for my parents" school of parenting. I think a lot of it comes from the male need to always "Do Something." We had a big blow-out the other night after he had gone out with an old college friend. In dh's poll of 10 random people he met at the bars that night, all of them said that they spanked their children. Well, boy howdy, that's good enough for me!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nut.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nut"> His declaration at the end of things was that I had to agree to spank myself or move out and take ds with me. If I chose to leave he wouldn't have anything to do with me or ds b/c I would be raising a brat. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/jaw.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="dropjaw"> I slept in the guest bed that night and started plotting my escape.<br><br>
Things cooled off the next day, his previous night's rage having been exacerbated by pent up frustration and beer. He even stopped himself from threatening a spanking, which was an improvement over what's been going on recently. I take it (cautiously) as a hopeful sign. I've been GDing (or so I thought) without much research and clever almost 5 yo is beginning to outpace me. I will be ordering books, and from reading this thread I won't even assume for one minute that dh will read them. I am so glad I read all this!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"> Let the summarizing begin. Yes, I've only given birth once, but I have two little boys living in my household.