BIL and SIL are having problems with their 2.5 year old dd, and I'm not sure how to help. They are asking for ideas, so I thought if I could find a book, it might help. They did not AP dd as an infant - totally mainstream, and grandma lived with them and did alot of the baby care. DD is high need with a really explosive personality - she has thrown loud tantrums from babyhood. They have a hard time getting her to sleep, and cosleep with her out of desperation. She doesn't take naps and appears tired in the afternoon but they say if they let her take a nap she won't sleep at night. She is very bright - they keep her plugged into the computer or TV most of the time. She can surf the web herself; she knows her numbers - not just counting, but the actual symbols. They are very proud that she can use the computer herself, but it also seems to be a coping strategy just to keep her happy. She is not very social and does not give hugs or want to chat or play pretend type games. She actually seems angry - not just frustrated - when she is told to do something she doesn't want to do. Her tantrums are ear splitting, and she does not get over them quickly, and there seems to be alot of anger directed at her mother. She's very aggressive with other children. Parenting-wise, they seem to have no unified strategy. They are permissive some of the time, then get angry and punish, then exhausted and just give in an pacify her. I don't have any answers on this one. I know they are looking at my kids and wondering why they are so sweet and cuddly and basically cooperative, and why theirs isn't. But I don't know how you get a child attached to you at 2.5. What might be a good GD beginner book that would address this kind of situation? Any ideas? I would tell them about 1,2,3 Magic, but I'm afraid they will miss the nuances of the technique that make it successful, and it will just go down as another thing that won't work. They need a basic education in AP as well. Thanks!
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<i>Easy To Love, Difficult To Discipline</i> is a good read. It's by Becky Bailey. It seems to get the concept of GD very well without the sickly, happy, overtone that some GD books have. (I'm not that type of mommy, I don't like feeling "on" all the time or having a book pressure me to be so). Its focus is right around the toddler years but the ideas work well and grow with the kids.<br><br>
ETA: <i>Kids Are Worth It!</i> (Barbara Coloroso) would be helpful to them, too. It's a very easy read and shows the balance of a backbone family vs. jellyfish (permissive) or brickwall (strict). I think it's out of print, but you can usually find a copy cheap on Amazon.
ETA: <i>Kids Are Worth It!</i> (Barbara Coloroso) would be helpful to them, too. It's a very easy read and shows the balance of a backbone family vs. jellyfish (permissive) or brickwall (strict). I think it's out of print, but you can usually find a copy cheap on Amazon.
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I agree that Becky Bailey's Easy to Love Difficult to Discipline would be a great "beginner" gd book, not that it isn't also good for long-term gders. She also has a book called I Love You Rituals. It's got a bunch of songs, rhymes, and fingerplays that would help with attachment, and also an introduction that covers some of the same basic concepts as ETLDTD. I know she writes about things like staying calm yourself even when dc is freaking out.
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I might suggest Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, because it addresses situations specific to the early years and has strategies. I hesitate because it is a little against cosleeping and that sounds like the last thing they need, but I think the rest of the book might make up for it. It outlines the situation, giving comfort that its common enough to be in a book LOL and then tells ways to approach it positively. I think it's a pretty good book for beginners.
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Not to minimize the importance of a strong attachment, but I would be very, very surprised if simply using mainstream parenting had destroyed their attachment with her. I mean, think of the population we would have if every child really was suffering from attachment disorder simply as a result of mainstream parenting. Fortunately it takes more than that to really disrupt the process.<br><br>
How about 1-2-3 Magic? It sounds like it might be up their alley...punitive, but in a calm way. And if they both read it, they could have more of a united front. My very mainstream friend uses it and loves it.
How about 1-2-3 Magic? It sounds like it might be up their alley...punitive, but in a calm way. And if they both read it, they could have more of a united front. My very mainstream friend uses it and loves it.
I'm not sure "mainstream" is really the way to describe what happened with this little girl the first 2 years -<br>
* mom came from a culture that schedules c-sections because they "don't want to push" - so she was a scheduled c-section and was very militant that it was "the" way to have a baby<br>
* mom didn't want to nurse<br>
* mom didn't just go back to work - she actually went job hunting because she didn't want to be a stay at home mom<br>
* grandma lived with the family and cared for the baby for almost a full year<br>
* dad's way of interacting is to teach the baby "tricks"<br>
* mom's way of interacting is to buy the baby new clothes and toys<br>
* when she cried mom told her to shut up, and acted embarrassed that her baby was so disruptive<br><br>
I don't want to just paint them with a broad brush, but the behavior they are seeing out of their child makes plenty of sense when compared to their parenting. Now they seem to really be trying to fix things, but she's a really difficult child to tolerate.<br><br>
I use "1, 2, 3 Magic" myself, but I'm really afraid they won't pay close enough attention to the details. The "magic" is in parental attitude, not punishment. Maybe some of these other books would be better, so that they can at least start thinking about how their attitudes affect their daughter's behavior...
* mom came from a culture that schedules c-sections because they "don't want to push" - so she was a scheduled c-section and was very militant that it was "the" way to have a baby<br>
* mom didn't want to nurse<br>
* mom didn't just go back to work - she actually went job hunting because she didn't want to be a stay at home mom<br>
* grandma lived with the family and cared for the baby for almost a full year<br>
* dad's way of interacting is to teach the baby "tricks"<br>
* mom's way of interacting is to buy the baby new clothes and toys<br>
* when she cried mom told her to shut up, and acted embarrassed that her baby was so disruptive<br><br>
I don't want to just paint them with a broad brush, but the behavior they are seeing out of their child makes plenty of sense when compared to their parenting. Now they seem to really be trying to fix things, but she's a really difficult child to tolerate.<br><br>
I use "1, 2, 3 Magic" myself, but I'm really afraid they won't pay close enough attention to the details. The "magic" is in parental attitude, not punishment. Maybe some of these other books would be better, so that they can at least start thinking about how their attitudes affect their daughter's behavior...
Raising Your Spirited Child: Always recommended for spirited children. Ds is not like that so I haven't read it.)<br>
Positive Discipline: The Early Years (yes, except the recommendation not to co-sleep). I own this one and take many things from it.<br>
The Explosive Child by Ross Greene -- I've heard it's really good.<br><br>
I would recommend researching (anybody else know which one?) a good book for young gifted children. She may be so ahead mentally she frustrates everyone around her, including herself.
Positive Discipline: The Early Years (yes, except the recommendation not to co-sleep). I own this one and take many things from it.<br>
The Explosive Child by Ross Greene -- I've heard it's really good.<br><br>
I would recommend researching (anybody else know which one?) a good book for young gifted children. She may be so ahead mentally she frustrates everyone around her, including herself.
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i preferred "Kids Parents and Power Struggles" by Kurcinka to "Raising Your Spirited Child", (same author) but RYSC is usually recommended. both books cover a lot of the same territory. i'm not sure if they would be my top choice for a 2.5 yr old. a more preschool specific book might be better.<br><br>
i've heard a lot of good things about "you are your child's first teacher", but i haven't read it.<br><br>
maybe one of those "this is your 2 year old" books?<br><br>
i really do like the kurcinka books it's just that a lot of it deals with school age kids. it might be the best bet, though.<br><br>
i'll think on it and if i get any brain storms i'll post again.
i've heard a lot of good things about "you are your child's first teacher", but i haven't read it.<br><br>
maybe one of those "this is your 2 year old" books?<br><br>
i really do like the kurcinka books it's just that a lot of it deals with school age kids. it might be the best bet, though.<br><br>
i'll think on it and if i get any brain storms i'll post again.
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I have the perfect book for them: <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FSleepless-America-Child-Misbehaving-Missing%2Fdp%2FB000MGAI0E%2Fref%3Dpd_bbs_sr_1%2F104-4424090-8342310%3Fie%3DUTF8%26s%3Dbooks%26qid%3D1182897268%26sr%3D8-1" target="_blank">Sleepless in America</a> by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sunnysideup</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8483430"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I have the perfect book for them: <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FSleepless-America-Child-Misbehaving-Missing%2Fdp%2FB000MGAI0E%2Fref%3Dpd_bbs_sr_1%2F104-4424090-8342310%3Fie%3DUTF8%26s%3Dbooks%26qid%3D1182897268%26sr%3D8-1" target="_blank">Sleepless in America</a> by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.</div>
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Oh, boy, definately <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I don't know how they do it. It's a simple thing, but it definately could be the source of alot of the tension.
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sunnysideup</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8483430"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I have the perfect book for them: <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FSleepless-America-Child-Misbehaving-Missing%2Fdp%2FB000MGAI0E%2Fref%3Dpd_bbs_sr_1%2F104-4424090-8342310%3Fie%3DUTF8%26s%3Dbooks%26qid%3D1182897268%26sr%3D8-1" target="_blank">Sleepless in America</a> by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.</div>
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Oh, boy, definately <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I don't know how they do it. It's a simple thing, but it definately could be the source of alot of the tension.
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I don't know if this is a great beginner book or not, but it's one of the first books i've picked up: Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. I'm only on page 38, but I'm hooked - everything in this book makes complete sense, and there's lot's of good advice on how detrimental punishments can be to a child.
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>graye_pearl</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8489958"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't know if this is a great beginner book or not, but it's one of the first books i've picked up: Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. I'm only on page 38, but I'm hooked - everything in this book makes complete sense, and there's lot's of good advice on how detrimental punishments can be to a child.</div>
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that is an awesome book, loved it! I just got the DVD from the library for DH to watch. The book is a heavy read, so if your BIL and SIL aren't into reading, the DVD would be easier and get the point across.
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>graye_pearl</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8489958"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't know if this is a great beginner book or not, but it's one of the first books i've picked up: Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. I'm only on page 38, but I'm hooked - everything in this book makes complete sense, and there's lot's of good advice on how detrimental punishments can be to a child.</div>
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that is an awesome book, loved it! I just got the DVD from the library for DH to watch. The book is a heavy read, so if your BIL and SIL aren't into reading, the DVD would be easier and get the point across.
I really got a lot out of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. I thought it was excellent. However, judging by the OP's description of her friends, I don't know if they will be open-minded enough to really want to understand or implement Aldort's insightful ideas. It sounds like at this point they're at their wit's end with their daughter.<br><br>
I read the book because I was having some minor problems with my 3-year-old and needed a refresher. Boy, it was JUST what I needed. We have restored and enhanced our relationship and I think we're even better than before <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
I read the book because I was having some minor problems with my 3-year-old and needed a refresher. Boy, it was JUST what I needed. We have restored and enhanced our relationship and I think we're even better than before <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Wendy~</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8490029"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">that is an awesome book, loved it! I just got the DVD from the library for DH to watch. The book is a heavy read, so if your BIL and SIL aren't into reading, the DVD would be easier and get the point across.</div>
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Oh wow, there's a DVD! I'm going to check the library database for my area and put it on hold if I can. I told dh i wanted him to read it too, but i know he doesn't have enough time - so the dvd is the perfect alternative for him! Thanks for mentioning it, Wendy <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Wendy~</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8490029"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">that is an awesome book, loved it! I just got the DVD from the library for DH to watch. The book is a heavy read, so if your BIL and SIL aren't into reading, the DVD would be easier and get the point across.</div>
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Oh wow, there's a DVD! I'm going to check the library database for my area and put it on hold if I can. I told dh i wanted him to read it too, but i know he doesn't have enough time - so the dvd is the perfect alternative for him! Thanks for mentioning it, Wendy <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
your welcome Graye_pearl! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> There were only 2 in the whole state, so I had to wait a few weeks before I could get one sent to our library. Worth checking out!
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"Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn changed my life -- I actually purchased the DVD and DH & I watch it every few months to refresh ourselves. Worth every penny!<br><br>
"Connection Parenting" by Pam Leo -- easier to get through than "UP" but very similar concepts.<br><br>
Good luck! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
"Connection Parenting" by Pam Leo -- easier to get through than "UP" but very similar concepts.<br><br>
Good luck! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
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The link below is a poll I posted a few weeks ago asking MDC moms to vote for their favorite GD books. I thought it might be of interest. I used it to plan a shopping trip at the book store and I am getting through a lot of the books right now.<br><br><a href="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=677706" target="_blank">http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=677706</a><br><br>
I really like Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles: Winning for a Lifetime." It gives real practical solutions and examples (which I found to be lacking in Kohn's "Unconditional Parenting."<br><br>
Good luck!
I really like Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles: Winning for a Lifetime." It gives real practical solutions and examples (which I found to be lacking in Kohn's "Unconditional Parenting."<br><br>
Good luck!
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Playful Parenting would be an excellent book for reconnecting with their child.<br><br>
Also, i wanted to mention, that from your description, their DD might have Aspergers or hyperlexia. It would fit many of the "symptoms" in her you describe. I mean I guess it could be their parenting style...but maybe it's also that their daughter has some issues and their parenting style is just aggravating it.<br><br>
You could post on the SN board and see what others think.<br><br>
peace,<br>
robyn
Also, i wanted to mention, that from your description, their DD might have Aspergers or hyperlexia. It would fit many of the "symptoms" in her you describe. I mean I guess it could be their parenting style...but maybe it's also that their daughter has some issues and their parenting style is just aggravating it.<br><br>
You could post on the SN board and see what others think.<br><br>
peace,<br>
robyn
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